98

1998

I remember when Damian took his first steps. I was sitting with him in the living room and we were both watching television. For months, he had scooted across the floor never really being able to crawl. I had tried everything to help him to crawl like other babies but it just wasn't working. I even asked his doctor why he wasn't crawling and so the doctor took an xray to check for any abnormalities. The xray showed that Damian had extra vertebrae and it was preventing him from crawling. Soon his little scoots led to pulling up by holding onto the couch. And then he was climbing.

One day Venum came in the front door and spoke to Damian. Damian stood and just walked over to him. There was no warning of what he was about to do. His little face just lit up and he wobbled over to his father and fell into his arms.


1998

Damian hated baby food...especially spinach. I would just shovel baby food into his mouth while watching television. I regret now that I didn't give him my full attention back then. I missed so many funny faces that he made...I am sure of it. I do however have so many pictures of him from times that we took him to the park and such fun things as that. I just wish I had spent every minute of my young adulthood paying more attention to my babies. Even the times when he would spit out some nasty new baby food that I was so proud that I bought. I missed those faces because I thought that those stupid shows on television were so much more important than my child.


1998

It was always me and Damian....well, most of the time. Sometimes it seemed like I was a single mother. I know this is wrong to say but it was how I felt. The days that Venum had martial arts classes, he would come in, run to the shower and then run out. Most of the time, he wouldn't get home until I was in the bed going to sleep or sleeping. Damian was almost always asleep when he came home. Most nights Venum had liquir on his breath and sometimes he was drunk. Yes, he was drinking and driving and he never really stopped. On the weekends, we sometimes had time together but more times than not, there was someone coming over to see Venum (it was usually about drugs but I wasnt' sure of it at that time.) Or they were coming to hang out with him, taking him somewhere to hang out or etc. I tried to get Venum to keep Saturday for us but it never worked. There was always something else that came between us. So, as I said, it was usually me and Damian. I would look at him and my mind would wander. Sometimes my depression would be so bad that I would just mindlessly feed him and mindlessly hold him. Some days, I would put him in his playpen and just wander around in the yard. On the really bad days, I would burn myself before starting the day. It could be cigarettes, joints or even candles. My heart was becoming strange and I was trying to be a mother. It was hard for me. Sometimes I just wanted to be alone and I would put Damian in his bed and fill it with toys so that he didn't bother me. If he got hungry, I would feed him hotdogs and then lay down and curl into fetal position. I called Venum many times during the day but most times, he was too busy, he was talking to someone or he wouldn't even answer the phone. Some days it was all I could do to stay alive. My mental state was deteriorating gradually. One day, I was cutting potatos to make potato salad for dinner. I started to fantacize about cutting my wrists and this time...ending it. I held the knife ther for moments while tears ran down my face. I could hear Damian start to cry for me but after a while it faded into the back of my head. My head and ears started to buzz and I grew dizzy. I gripped the knife tighter and tighter and brought it to my wrist. I dropped the potato and then put the knife to my wrist. Damian screamed really loudly and I snapped awake from my daze. I threw the knife into the sink and cried.  Then, ignoring Damian's cries, I ran outside, paced back and forth and cried some more.


1998

I secretly went to see a therapist because I was scared. I felt so empty inside and I needed someone to tell me what to do. I had no idea how to live the life that was given to me. I was weak and a terrible mother. I told the therapist about my life...everything, including my life with Venum. She listened and she told me, basically, that If I was unhappy, I coudl leave. She said that there were ways to help single mothers and that I shouldn't have to be afraid.

I never had any intention to leave Venum and so I left the therapist and wondered what option I had now. I loved Venum and I didn't want to break up our family.


1998

Winter

The hairdresser who had dyed my hair bright red, he damaged my hair horribly. I had to have it cut off very short. I was not used to having my hair short and it felt weird when I went outside. It was winter and the cold air on the back of my neck drove me nuts. But after a while, I got used to it and got used to the new look. Venum hated it, he prefered my short hair. He also preferred me to be smaller and so I started working out more. Every time, I gained weight, he would tell me that it was gross and tell me that I should work out more. I remember him telling me  after Damian was born that I had to get rid of that stuff...he was pointing at my belly which was stretched from being pregnant. I have been working ever since to get rid of my baby fat. I was almost there. For motivation, I told Venum to call me fat every morning so that I would get out of bed and work out. Every morning, not only would he call me fat but he would kick me out of bed so that I would work out...and I did.
I just wanted to be what he wanted....as hard as I tried...I seemed to fail.