Saturday, March 30, 2013


And so this thing was in motion. I didn't really know how I would do it but I was going to do it. I was going to remove the thing that was inside me.

At this time in life, I do not believe that I knew a God. I had known him fleetingly in the past but not now. When people at work would ask who wakes me up in the morning, I would tell them that it was my alarm clock. I thought they were hilarious and they gave me looks of pity. I hated their questions because it reminded me of high school. It seemed that you just couldn't get away from the high school mentality.

I started calling clinics in the area to get a quote of what my abortion would cost. The cheapest price that I hapt upon was around $350 and so I made plans to get up the money for the procedure.

Meanwhile, I grew sicker and sicker with morning sickness. I told no one but Venum about the things that I was going through...well, not until I found out Shirazz was still living in Memphis and I needed her to help me find a clinic. After a week or so, I found a clinic and made my appointment to get the procedure done.

One night at work, I got so sick that I had to leave. I went to the Boonevill hospital and told the doctor that I needed something for sickness. He made me go through an examination to prove my pregnancy. After the examination was over her offered me some prenatal viatmins. I told him that I didn't need the vitamins because I was going to terminate the pregnancy. He tried to get me to reconsider killing the baby and that many couples would be glad to adopt the child. I told him to mind his own business, jerked the perscription out of his hand and left the hospital. When I got in the car, I cried again but I knew I couldn't change my mind...I was alone in what I was feeling


The day came for the procedure and so me and Venum traveled to Memphis to meet with Shirazz. She said she would go with us the next morning to the clinic. All I wanted to do was sleep until it was all over. I just wanted to be done with it and to have my body back the way it was. We arrived at her apartment on Highland and I curled up in a ball underneath a blanket on her floor. She apparently had no extra beds for us to sleep in. Over the course of that night, I kept waking up and peering from underneathe my blanket. Each time, I saw Venum and Shirazz talking away and laughing about something. I begged Venum to lay down with me but he preferred to stay up and talk to my friend. I felt so alone and I didn't understand why he wouldn't comfort me.

Morning of the occurance

We arrived at the clinic sometime around was located somewhere in Midtown but I just cannot remember exactly where it was. Venum and Shirazz decided to stay in the car while I was in the clinic and so I went in alone. I checked in and found a seat between two other women who were discussing how easy the procedure was. Apparently, this was not the first time that they had had an abortion. I was terrified and growing sick to my stomach. They didn't pay that much attention to me at first and so I watched the televison in the corner of the room. Every now and then I heard someone scream and yelp in pain.

The first room

The first room was the  education room. That is what I call it because that is what it was. A nurse came in to talk to a small group of girls at a time. She wanted us to see what the baby looked like at any given term of life. The more she talked, the sicker I got. She explained that most of us were only a couple weeks pregnant and how the pain would be different according to how far along we were.

The second room

The second room was a room in the attic of the small house. Most abortion clinics in the 90s were located in a house which had been transformed for the medical procedures. In the attic, I shared my story with other girls. One woman was here for her third abortion. She talked lightly and even laughed at times about how many living children she had and how many babies she had killed. To her, she was not killing babies at all, she was mearly removing a parasite. That was her words at least. Some of the other girls cringed at her included. But nothing I heard could deter me from my destination and what I had come here for. I wanted to be free but I don't even think I knew the definition of the word.

The third room

Here, we waited and here we could hear them..the ones before us...crying and moaning in pain and disgust. I could also hear a doctor telling the women to be quiet and take the pain that they asked for. I was appalled...but I still didn't leave.

The changing room

In here, I removed all my clothes and prepared for examination

The Killing room

I arrived at my destination and lay upon the table. My feet were strapped into stirrups and two other people entered the room...women...all women. I was examined first off to see how far along I was. I was around 6 weeks pregnant. They didn't speak very much, they just alerted me to the fact that it would hurt and there would be no anestesia. They said that this was my decision and that I should take the pain like an adult. Two nurses held down my arms and the one between my legs reached in and pricked me somewhere inide my vagina. I felt a slight tug and pain. Then I saw this horrific machine being pulled toward me and in between my legs. The thing looked like a vaccuum cleaner. I saw the doctor place the hose within my vagina and flick a switch. At first, I felt pressure and then the pain came.

I felt it...ripe and hot and horrible. The pain tugged and cramped my abdomen in knots. I contorted with the pain and growled. I felt like someone was ripping my whole lower body from my upper body. I cramped again and again and I looked up at the nurse to my right whom wa holding my arm down. I pleaded and begged for her to stop hurting me. She had no expression in her face but she spoke.

"You wanted you be quiet and take the pain."  She twisted and shoved me back down.

The pain pulled harder and wrenched me up off the table. The nurse to my left dropped my arm and shoved my abdomen back down.

I heard the doctor speak.
"Almost done...just about got it all." She turned up the dial and the machine continued to suck the new life from my body. I screamed again and dropped down onto the table in a pool of sweat. I felt a sharp object enter my vagina and move around. It stung and i bit my lower lip.

The nurses let go of my arms and I lay there in shock. I was so cold.

"I will clean you up and then you can go in the other room and lie down."

The recovery room

I lay there for an unknown time with a huge pad between my legs. I was told that I would probably bleed for three weeks and that I needed to get on birth control as soon as possible.
I was offered the Depo Provera and I took it.

Going home

I was such a sick bastard...guess what I did when I left the clinic and Venum took Shirazz home...I went shopping for a new dress to celebrate my new body.
and the death of my child.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I knew you were there...inside me. I could visualize you as you were curled up inside. I even kept a journal and I drew a picture of you there. I wrote poetry all around your embryonic body and I put my hand on my tummy.
I have that journal somewhere...somewhere at your father's the attic. I even talked to you a couple times before I found out that you was really real.
Then...when there was no room for doubt, when everything was lain upon the table and tears were shed....I made my plans to murder you.



I was pathetic at times and I knew it. I had trouble finding the balance between pitching a fit and giving in. It is really harder than you think to make the right decisions in this case. Life in Tupelo was no easier than life in Booneville. It was just the same old shit, same old people...just a different town...oh, and did i mention....the same old job as well.
I was just a temporary employee as I stated before. Venum had just got hired on full time around 1995 because he had been there for a year before I came along. It seemed that a year was the magic time limit of being a temp at Bio Clinic. Around the beginning of the year of 1995, the company closed down one of its facilities and moved us across the street to the other. I had to learn to get along with new employees and new situations. I was never really the best for change.
I met some very interesting people who never ceased to drive me nuts...people who still thought we were all in high school. That in itself should make a long story short. I was now working really close to Aaliyah's mother every night and telling her that I had no money for diapers. Meanwhile, Venum would avoid her at every turn. Many times, I told him that I was wrong about how I acted before when I would complain about his child and that he should deal with her himself, he should give her money. But that was his situation and I had problems of my own.
Like I said...I was pathetic at times and did not know how to deal with situations. I was not the best "people person" by far. But I did have a heart and sometimes the decisions that I made, I regretted later on...not that i could take back my words. Sometimes that thing inside just spoke exactly how it felt...and it could be very cruel.


I knew it would happen eventually. There was always this thing I would say about Christie. We could only be civil for the first hour that we were together, then all hell usually broke loose. Sometimes it was quiet hatred and sometimes it was arguing about something stupid...mainly her brother. We had vastly different opinions on how a relationship was supposed to be and so we usually butted heads about it.
I, for one, knew something odd was going on with Venum. So many times, he would insist on having his conversations with people away from me. I knew there were secrets and it drove me crazy. When we would go places, he would always tell me to wait in the car. When people would come to the apartment, they would honk their horn and he would go outside. More times than not, they would never come inside. My curiosity got the best of me one day when we were all on our way to work. It was me Venum and Christie and we were stopping at her uncle's house to pick up Tricky. Venum told us to wait in the car while he went inside. When he returned some time later, I had to ask the question that had been eating at me for weeks.
"why do you always leave me out of things? If we are together, why am I always in the dark?"
Before Venum could answer me, his sister joined right in and told me not to worry about it and to calm down. She could see that I was irritated.
I spoke again more assertively. "NO, I want to know why."
Venum just looked at me funny and didn't say a word. Christie laughed under her breath and looked at Venum. They exchanged a look between the two. I grew angrier and just couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I was in MY car and I was driving them around...and I couldn't be included in anything. Either I was hiding or I was chaffuering. I did not feel like a girlfriend to Venum.
"NO, I mean...I just don't think that everything is none of my business to be honest." I stated matter of factly.
Christie looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but my brother's business is his business and none of yours."
"Oh really, well I thought I had some right to be involved in something seeing as that he lives with me, drives my car and  we are together!"
Venum piped up and started to speak. "hey, hey...this is not necessary..."
"Look, you need to stay out of my brother's business!" Christie pointed her finger at me.
"NOt while he is in my car and you should keep your mouth shut too. Looks like I am the one who is driving you to work." I spoke in anger. The thing inside would not stop. She was taking full control and would not relinquish it either.
Christie got extremely angry because her eyes got huge. She grunted and said "hell no!"
Christie had this thing where when she said 'hell no' you expected her to explode any minute. She just sat and fumed for a minute.
"If you ride in my car, then you don't tell me to stay out of your brother's business. I think he can speak for himself."
"Then let me out! I mean it, let me out this car!"
I smiled and pulled over somewhere between Christie and Venum's uncle's house and turned off the key. "fine, be my guest."
Christie got out of the car and started walking back toward her uncle's house. YOu could see that Venum was angry and he sat and fumed. I didn't say much for the first ten minutes as I drove toward the town of Booneville. Then, as the thing quieted, I started to feel bad. I started to talk to Venum but he ignored me. As we neared the first gas station, he told me to pull over and he got out to call his uncle to pick up his sister.
He didn't speak to me the rest of the day. Half of me cared while the other half did not. I tried to pry words out of him and he just milked it. I had just had it with their bullshit....the using, the secrecy and damnit...I didn't want to be hidden in that fucking back seat.


I realized that I was much too pale. I mean, I was beyond pale and it just didn't seem them anyway. The majority were always tanning themselves to be sexier and I was just standing out like an alien. I decided to start laying in the tanning bed to get some color. I wanted to be normal, to fit in and I wanted to be more attractive to Venum.
I was going to the tanning bed for about a week when I started getting sick. At first it was a little queasiness that would pass after a few minutes or so. Then, it was like clockwork....every morning at the same time. I had no idea, at first, what It could be.
I was pregnant. I came to the realization after another week. I stopped going to the tanning bed and scheduled an appointment at the doctor's office, the free one. I couldn't afford the clinic bill because I simply never had any money. So many things began running through my mind but I did not tell Venum about what was going on. I was going to wait until I saw the doctor first and knew for a fact whether or not I was pregnant. My mind was rusing and I was very sick. I felt so ugly as well. I went to the store and bought an over the counter pregnancy test because I was so impatient. I started to feel incredibly happy about the prospect of becoming a parent. I started to visualize what it would be like if I had a little girl or little boy with Venum. I smiled a while then I frowned at the thought of losing my figure to pregnancy. I was torn but I was beginning to lean toward being happy about the whole thing. I took the test and it was postitive. I was definitely pregnant but I still hid it.
On the morning of the appointment I was nervous. What if the test was wrong? What if the test was right? Both questions held so much weight in my mind. By the time I arrived I was a mess....meaning I was emotionally excited in an odd sort of way.
The test was positive again and I plopped down in my car and started to think things over. I wandered about the fact that I would get big and lose my figure but then my thoughts would entertain me with visions of little hands and feet and little baby things...and so I smiled at the thought. I laughed and thought about my baby all the way back to the appartment. When I pulled in the driveway, I thought about Venum. For the first time all day, I remembered the father and instantly I felt guilt about that fact. I knew I had to tell him and I had to tell him now.
I ran into the apartment and called his name. He was walking out of the kitchen and he just stopped in his tracks. I told him to sit down and he did because he actually had no idea what I was about to say and quite frankly, he looked a little odd.
"I am pregnant." I blurted out.
Venum's mouth fell open and then he spoke.
"What?! Are you sure?" Venum started. "Did you take one of those store bought deals?"
"Yes, I did and I just got back from the clinic too."
Venum mumbled and then he motioned for me to come sit by him.
"I am kind of excited, Venum. I mean, I know it is a big, huge thing but...but we are gonna have a baby...I mean...what do you think"
Venum frowned and took my hands in his. He pulled me down to the floor and we lay beside each other.
"Listen, I don't think...I mean"
I spoke up. "Are you saying we should get rid of it?"
"Well, Sherrie...we are too young to have a baby. I mean, we haven't even been together that long." Venum spoke quietly and soothed me by rubbing my hair.
I was so confused but I wanted to do what made him happy. I was changing my mind...right there...right at that time...while lying beside him.
"But, I don't you really think so, Venum?" I asked.
"I do....I mean, I hate it but we are not married and who knows...we might not even be together forever."
I stared off into space as Venum pulled me near and held me tight.
At that moment....I murdered my child....not later....right then.

Sunday, March 17, 2013




I was told to move or evict the extra tenant. I come to the realization that it was time to go looking for an apartment somewhere else.

At this point, me and Venum had the oddest conversation. He was wondering if I wanted him to move with me or whether I wanted him to return to his grandmother's house. I was frustrated and angry and I think i had to have some time to think first. I finally told that we were in this together and we would find a place together. Venum suggested moving to Tupelo and that is where we started to look for a place to stay.

We found several places which really didn't suit us at all. We found a trailer that was way too small and a set of apartments in the downtown Tupelo area. We searched until we found our future home.

Chez's Place...Apartment 19

We came to an old motel on the edge of Tupelo used to be called Chez's Place. It was a long white old motel turned apartment complex. The manager of the apartments met us at one of the vacancies and showed us what was included in the rental agreement. It was a very small apartment, much smaller than Number 7 Skyline in Booneville. There was a living room, a walk through kitchen and a bedroom with attached bathroom. It was small but doable. The rent also included electricity and cable...kind of affordable but it just had to do at this time. We didn't have very long to vacate the other apartment. Christie was not happy with our move to Tupelo because we would be farther from her. This meant that either we traveled further or we just didn't go pick her up. For months, we had picked her up, carried her to school and then picked her up and took her to work. This arrangement was going to be different but for now, we would continue to pick her up. It seemed that things were not as simple as thought before.

We signed the contract together and took the apartment. It didn't take long to move in since I still hadn't moved all my things from my parent's house. There was still so much to be done.
The manager's name was Gene. He was a strange sort of man who constantly rubbed alcohol on his face and hands. He seemed nice though and closely resembled Kenny Rogers, the country singer. I liked Gene and soon met his best friend, Kenny. Kenny was also interesting. Kenny was always drunk before 9 a.m. and never went to work sober. Kenny was a average sized man with short beard and receding hairline. They were a pair and they welcomed us when we first came to Chez's. It seemed like they had been there forever.

My parents still had no idea that Venum lived with me and neither did my aunt. I was terrified of what happened if they did know.


We were never what they called us at birth...not to Venum. To Venum, I was Doll, his sister was lefft and her boyfriend...of course was Tricky. Even Tracy was called...Sis. To him, he created who he thought we should be. I now think it was just his way of keeping control of his life. He said I looked like a Doll with my big dark brown eyes and that his sister had a killer left hook hence the name..."Lefft". Tricky was sneaking which is self explanatory and Tracy, he said , was like a sister to him. That was an odd statement since he kissed her on the lips more than once. I never knew a brother to do that to his sister...not since Cami and her brother. I saw death in my mind again as I thought of those incestuous children. I wondered where they were and what they were doing...but I didn't wonder too was passing me by way too fast to dwell on deaths intentions. Besides, I had a thing inside that kept me plenty of company.

To hell with knicknames. I sat in the backseat of my own car while Venum and his sister talked about things I had no interest in. I scowled and pouted. Yep, a mean little evil babydoll I was....a mad one...tired of ducking behind this damned seat because I was so fucking porcelin white.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


Things never really changed or diverted from the routine we had developed. Tricky and Venum did not stay enemies for long, in fact, some times it seemed like his sister would fight as much as Tricky did. I started to notice strange discussions that the guys had when I was with them. I noticed how when we went to someone's house, sometimes I had to hide in the back seat....because I was white. Apparently, the guys who sold drugs would think I was a narc. These days were routine days for me. I have cluttered memories of weed baggies, scales and rolling papers. I also have many memories of whiskey bottles in paper bags and the sound of R&B music. Christie took over lots of times and drove my car while I would hide in the back. There was a distant anger, I feared, which grew and grew inside me. I hated a part of her so much that at times I wanted to shove her out of my car...while it was moving. Honestly, I wanted to shove them all out and let them find theif way back...but I wouldn't let that thing take over when we rode because I knew and felt its anger growing rapidly and I was just trying to keep it down. I had no idea how long I could subdue this.



The hot water stopped working in my apartment and I called the landlord to fix the issue. He did not come to help me and so I had to take baths and showers with cold water or water in which we boiled on the stove. I called day after day to get the landlord to fix the hot water heater but he still didn't come. After a couple weeks, I got the flu and missed a couple days of work. ONe day, I asked Venum to go get the mail for me and the landlord was standing in the parking lot. As Venum reached into my mail box, the landlord went up to him and asked him "why the hell was he in my mailbox?" Venum told him that I was sick and that I had been calling him to come fix the water. That is when the landlord told us that we had to move. He said he had been watching the place and that he knew Venum lived with me. I was the only one who was supposed to be living there, according to him.
Venum told me what the landlord said and so I started to try and figure out what to do. I was already late on the rent and it had to be paid before we left.

The rent, past due


The rent was late and I had no money. Venum said he had no money either but he knew how to get some. I asked him how we were supposed to come up with the cash and he said he would sell drugs. I thought he meant weed but he corrected me and let me know that we had to sell Crack or Cocaine to come up with the amount that we needed. He then told me that Tricky had sold it before and he would ask him if there was anywhere that we could get some and then re-sell it. I went along with it reluctantly because we had to have it but I hated the idea.
The next day we set out to either borrow money from his relatives or sell drugs...whichever we accomplished first. We traveled from Booneville on up to Corinth, stopping at his aunts and cousin's houses asking for money. We were turned down quickly and so we moved on. We traveled to New Albany and begged Venum's father and step mother for some money but they talked to us for hours only to say...."no." AFter that we went to Tupelo to look for drugs and ended up going all the way to Amory and along several backroads until we got back to Tupelo. To be honest, I do not remember where we got the crack rocks but I remember finally going home with drugs to sell. We were going to go home and sleep and then go sell the drugs to pay the rent. I remember watching Venum hiding the rocks underneath something on a table by the bed. I remember something else as well.
I remember waking up and seeing Venum tearing the room apart "looking" for something. He was wide eyed and very if he was freaking out. I remember him turning to me as I was waking and saying...
"I have lost them...I lost the stuff!"
I asked him what he was talking about as I checked where he had hid the rocks. They were gone. I looked at him and I knew immediately within my heart that he had smoked the rocks himself. I was furious with him but no matter how many times I asked him if he smoked them, he denied it.
I had only one choice left to pay my rent. I would have to contact my aunt and ask her for the money. I went to the car, cranked it and headed out to the nearest payphone to call my aunt and do what I didnt want to do...ask for help.

Thursday, March 14, 2013



The nights bled into days and days did the same for us. We were young and rushing into the future...a very uncertain future that I sat and contemplated about on various occasions.
There was always Christie and Tricky...sometimes there was Tracey. I remember going riding in Tracey's tracker with Venum, Tricky and Christie. We were always high or drunk and most of the time, we were lost down some back road somewhere in the Northern part of Mississippi. Things are blurry but I can remember strange cemetaries, woods and old houses...dilapitated houses where visions of playing SOS on rotten walls sticks in my mind. I remember breaking old furniture an making fires. We would hang out and drink like bums until it was time for Father Sun to rise.
One night, Tricky beat Christie up and Venum wanted to kill him. I watched Venum fashioning a weapon to use on Tricky while Tracey tried to calm him down. Apparently, Tricky had beaten up Christie while riding with them in Tracey's truck. When he realized that Tracey was about to go nuts on him, he bolted into the woods. That night me and Venum had been in my car riding behind them. We wondered why Tricky ran into the woods. Tracey said he had snorted too much coke.
I never really liked cocaine that much. I tried it once on its own but that is a later story.

Fall 1994

My school work was failing miserably. I slept in class more than I paid attention. AFter a certain point, I just stopped going to school altogether. I found partying to be much more fun than sitting in class...well sleeping after partying that is. I began to take mini thins every day and drink every night after second shift. It was one friend's house to the next. Bobby welcomed us over to his house to drink with him and his wife. I remember tripping so hard while looking at their strange dog.
There was the night that me and Venum decided to sneak out to Bay Springs and skinny dip. I found out how odd it was to have sex while in the water. I could not swim and when he took me out to the deep end to help me learn, I climbed on top of his head and almost drowned both of us. I was a hot mess out there in the water. When we heard people coming, we decided to jump out and make way for home. Many times, we wandered the back roads near Bay Springs and we would get lost. Getting lost was fun in itself when you are finally found.
There were others though and many places in which we frequented while drunk or stoned. The memory becomes faded over time and muddled together. There were nights when I wandered strange places and forget where I was until I saw Venum's face again. At some point I figured out that Venum was doing stronger drugs. I noticed that he didn't just get stoned and drunk. I caught a glimpse of him snorting something off a notebook. I was coming back toward someone's back door after taking a walk in the dark. I saw it but it didn't register with me as to how serious it really was. I was always too  out of it to care. I just kept the memory hidden away for later.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Fall 1994

I remember her name...Babette. She was a little rat snake that me and Venum caught outside the factory on one of our breaks during work. She was a beautiful silvery color and I just went nuts over her; of course I wanted to keep her. She was named after a women in the Vampire Chronicles, a woman that Louis was in love with but had no chance to be with because he became immortal. The name just fit her.
We carried her back to my our apartment and until we got an aquarium for her, we would keep her in a zipped up pillow case. The first night she was home, I played with her in the bed. I let her crawl all around my arms and hands marvelling at how soft and slick she was  and how warm even. But I played with her too much and she got lost in the bed covers. We never found her again. Babette was there and then she was very quickly.


Life with Venum was not always hectic and chaotic. Sometimes he would do things that was awfully nice for me. When I would come home from school at lunch, he would sometimes have the whole apartment clean and food cooked. He would be sitting in the corner smoking a Newport and smiling. I was so surprised and impressed that I would immediately kiss him and thank him.
Some days, he would pick me up from school and we would get a burger. Even though the little red Grand Am was mine that my father gave me; Venum drove it more than I did. He would get angry if I ever told him that he couldn't drive it. It was a brooding anger most of the time that I was afraid of. There were occasions though, that the thing would rise up and insist that he leave my car parked. That is when he would throw those tantrums and refuse to talk to me. It was an odd situation but I tried to keep the thing in check until she wanted to have fun with Venum. It was a criss crossed and very strange manner of relations between the three of us. When the thing wasn't around, me and Venum got along okay unless he wanted to go out drinking or partying...then I would try and be responsible about drinking and driving and such...but I was easily manipulated by Venum when he stood his ground and he usually go what he wanted. But, on the other hand, When the thing was around and giggling and roving inside me...she and he could party all night until they had a difference of opinion....then it was like war...broken bottles and brusises.


I started taking mini pills to stay awake in school. One day I took too many and when Venum picked me up, I threw up in the car. We were on the way to see my friends in Ripley and I just hurled all over myself. Venum stopped the car and let me clean up a little...I told him to take me home. On the way, I realized that I was very hungry. The sun was blasting over head and I felt dizzy. I needed rest.


I spent a weekend at my parent's house to get the rest of my things moved. My parent's did not know about Venum and I did not tell them for two reasons. Number one: He was black and my father was against interracial relationships. Number two: My parents were totally against co habitation. Whenver some one from my family would come to see my apartment, I would hide him in the closet until they were gone.
ONe weekend, I decided to return to the apartment early and be with Venum. When I got there and went into the bedroom, I was kind of shocked. I saw a used condomn in a cup by the bed. I woke him and asked him about it. He said he had masturbated and did not want to get 'cum' on the bed. I believed him at the time because I wanted to believe him but as you see....I never forgot it and I wonder how true that is.
Maybe I wonder  who she was.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


Fall of 1994

So, with talk of babies and such...this thing grew more complicated by the minute. The thing inside grew aggitated and angry. It's mind was troubled and defensive. I could barely keep a rein on the thing inside...she just wanted to rule.
Venum's sister made the assumption that since he lived with me, she could come and go as she pleased. She also had an asshole of a boyfriend named Tricky. OH, this was a unique one to say the least. He was tall and very dark and looked quite similar to the rapper, Bust a rhymes. Christie, Venum's sister was at my apartment at least 4 days out of the week and needed a ride to work and to school. I grew aggitated by her presence because of all the extra things that I had to do for her. I did not feel like she was part of the package in mine and Venum's relationship. She felt differently. I dropped hints at how she should stay at home but she didn't seem to take hints very well. She was just always there. I felt a hatred brew up and grow stronger with each passing day. Each time she and her boyfriend came in my front door and plopped down, I had a bad taste in my mouth. At some point, the thing inside grew even more angry and told Venum that enough was enough. That is when things got ugly.
The first time that I told him that his sister should stay at home more often, he tried to convince me that she would grow tired of coming over and so I waited a couple weeks. She never seemed to grow tired of being there at all, in fact, she started to come over every day. I couldn't take it anymore and so I talked to Venum about it again. I could see he was getting frustrated with the whole situation. I do not really know if it was me or her that he grew angry with but I could see a change in his demeanor. I pushed the situation, I pushed my remedy on him one more time and then he broke.
He was drinking already that night and the thing inside me did not care. She went up to him and insisted that he tell his sister to stop coming over all the time. It was pointless because he told me to do it myself and so I said okay. But before the night was over, Venum got so drunk that he started to throw things and scream. He called me names and ranted on and on about how I was being a bitch and blowing things out of proportion. He smashed his whiskey bottle against the wall and punched the wall as well. Then he started to threaten to kill himself. That is when I went to him and tried to hold him down. After throwing me off several times, he quieted down. I agreed to talk to his sister myself. And this I did.
She was angry to say the least but she complied. Finally, I had accomplished something and fixed one problem. But the things that I had seen in Venum the night before truly disturbed me. I glanced at the brusises on my forearm where he had thrown me off him and wondered what the hell I was doing here. The thing inside whispered to me and said


Things were strained between Venum and I and Christie was not talking to me at all. After a while, Christie and her boyfriend wandered back over to my apartment again and quickly started wearing out their welcome. It was like a disease with them. It was a cancer...just when you think you have it cut out it comes back even stronger. The look that Christie gave me when she first came back to my apartment was one that said she had won some little victory. Tricky was as obnoxious as ever with his untrustworthy grin. I grew to hate being around them but I tried to stomach it because I was beginning to love Venum. The peaceful times when the apartment wasn't being barraged by crack heads and drunks was actually nice.
There were nights when me and Venum sat up all night long and talked about things that most people did not talk about. We would have sex all night and raid the refrigerator. Sometimes, we would sit outside and talk half the night or until it started to rain. On other nights we would run the streets of Mtown and drink until we could barely walk..then, right before dawn, we would rush home and pull the covers over our heads. We could hear the sunlight roaring as the sun made it's announcement right above the horizon.
Sometimes, the peabody hotel would keep us occupied all night. From penthouse to ballroom, we cavorted and drank fuzzy navals and whiskey. Right before the  dawn, we would go to the roof and watch the sky get its first colors. Then...again, we would race the sun and fall into deep sleep beneathe my grandmother's quilts.
We had our fun and so why were things so volatile?

We had a party one night that was absolutely  out of control. Although there was only 10 people present, we played truth or dare. Lori and Toni were already drunk when they arrived and the rest of us soon followed their lead. We played Truth or Dare and many ungodly things occured. There were joint shotguns, blowjobs and straight out sex. And we were seeing red...dripping red and blurry vision. hahaha  At least three couples had sex in our bed that night. I could hear them through the door and the rest of us put our ear to the door to listen. I know one girl had at least two partners, one of which was supposed to be a gay male...appartently he turned out to be bisexual. When me and Venum decided to turn in for the night, a girl came out of my closet with a guy after the lights were out and the door was shut.
By morning, some were angry at the things that they had done some were pale and hung over. Bottles and clothing were strewn all around the living room and the front door was wide open.
The mean old lanlord was standing outside his office evil eyeing the apartment as I closed the door and proceeded to clean the house. One by one or two by two, disheveled party goers gathered thier things and left.

Monday, March 11, 2013


August 1994
Apparently, there was a baby born the day of mine and Venum's first date. Of course, somewhere, there is a baby born every hour...but this baby had a significance. Venum's daughter was born on August the 17, 1994...her name is Aaliyah. I remember the conversation that we had a couple days before her birth. He had said that this woman he had sex with claimed that the baby was his but he was not sure. Now she was a couple weeks old and her mother was wanting Venum to see the child.
That day when me and Venum lay upon my living room floor talking about all sorts of things, he brought it up. He started to talk about his daughter and I couldn't control my temper. It was a silly thing, I know that now..this temper at that moment..but I was irritated.
"YOu know, I don't want to be with a man who has children. I am only 19 years old." I said with an attitude.
Venum looked at me. I know he looked at me but I do not remember what look was upon his face...and he spoke. "I am still not sure if she is mine or not but I was thinking about going to see her."
This irritated me further because I was a selfish bitch at the moment and lots of moments actually. "Well, you can leave me out of it...I mean it. Or better yet, It's me or the child. You are the one who couldn't keep his pants up when you was drinking."
I rose from my spot beside him and stood. That giddy thing came for a moment then turned was a feeling that I was not accustomed to. That being, that force inside me grew emmense and just stood staring down at Venum. Then in a swift turn on my heel, that thing inside sent me out the front door and plopped down on the porch.
The thing inside did not want to share its attention. That thing was angry and wasn't letting the sweet and charitable Sherrie come through at the moment. It sulked and pouted until it went back inside and went to sleep.
The last time it gazed upon Venum, it saw him drinking from a bottle of whiskey and frowning.

August 1994
She came to me at work on several occasions asking for money..Asliyah's mother. At one occasion, she even just came out and asked for diapers. I grew angry every time she did that. During the weeks that followed I began to reconsider what I had said to Venum. I wondered what the baby looked like and I felt sorry for her for not having a daddy there. I quietly wondered whether I should tell Venum how I felt about it now. At the same time, I hated dealing with her mother and telling her that I had no money to give and that her baby was not my responsibility. I even considered leaving Venum alone and washing my hands of it all.
Days went by and finally Venum approached me with the prospect of going to see the baby. By this time, the thought had grown on me and I said that I wanted to go to. I told him that I was being rash before that I was sorry for the way I acted. I told him that if the child was his then he should be a responsible father and take care of her. So we went to see Aaliyah.
The visit was rather short but he held her. I watched the reaction on his face as he pulled her close. I looked at her pictures that her mother handed to us and I thought she was beatiful. But something changed in Venum's expression as he held her. I watched his eyes, his mouth and even the way his hands moved against her blanket. When Aaliyah's mother left the room to retrieve something Venum looked at me.
"I am ready to go." he had the strangest look on his face. "I am done here."
"What's wrong?" I asked..."I thought this is what you wanted...everyone to do what is best for the baby?
Venum didn't say anything else until he had gave Aaliyah back to her mother and we both had gotten into the car. In fact he did not speak until we were down the road about a mile away from their house. Then he spoke matter of factly.
"I don't think she is mine. In fact, I am sure of it." Venum looked angry and gripped the steering wheel tightly.
I watched his face and noticed he clenched his jaw over and over.."ARe you sure?"
"I am almost positive. She is trying to pin that baby on me to get money from me."
I proceeded to tell him that I was sorry about my selfishness from before but he waved it away. I am still not sure to this day if he made his decision because of my anger or if he really was confused about who her father was. I may never really know. I do know that he fought her mother and denied as much monetary benefits as possible. I avoided her as well because venum told me to stay away from her. Once she came up to me before I could run away and she accused me of keeping Venum from his child. I told her what I had said before and that I had changed my mind about the situation. From that point it had been Venum's decision to do what he was doing. She then proceeded to tell me that Venum told her...that it was me that kept him away. She said that Venum said many things about me and that I was the reason he would not take responsibility for his child.
Of course, I was growing to love Venum...rather quickly...and I just wouldn't believe her.
That thing deep down inside poked at me and said.
"watch your back!"

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The letter that was never sent

Dear, Peter

   And so, it has come to this. I am aware that you probably had no idea of the magnitude of how much I cared. I am sure of it now. And even though you are not available, I found it hard to ignore my feelings for you. This thing became a fixation, actually...kind of unhealthy to say the least. Oh, don't get me wrong, I very much, but since the feelings are not reciprocated, I must focus on things that are returned. I know , I is love...but there comes a time when you must put your energies on things that are going to make life better and not frustrating. And I was jealous and I did feel neglected which seemed to accelerate the decision of what I must do. I think anger made me realize that I was too important to spend my time stroking someone's ego and giving them attention when I was hurting just to be cared for...even if in the simplest forms of care..but unfortunately, you never noticed lots of small things that I said or done.

I will always respect you and love you...with a love that you may never understand. It is my choice to care but to distance myself from you. I have found something within you that makes it hard for me not to feel what I feel and so the only way I can sure myself is to limit my own to you.

I am not sure what has transpired or what games were played...I am not sure as to what you did or what I did to cause this strange and awkward atmosphere but I accept it for what it is. I hope that you are happy and really, it is very important to me that you are happy...even if I cannot make you happy myself. When I see you in pain, I hurt for you..silently, and sometimes you never know. When you are scared, I am unsettled and you have no idea that I feel that way. I may be silent about lots of things but I hold the truth inside. Sometimes, I write things down that I wished I could say to your face but I am scared.

Many were ridiculed in history for the way they believed or felt, I was ridiculed for the way I felt as well....once upon a time. Although, I stay silent and seem to be angry...I am not. I have just accepted things for the way they are. If the time comes that I must defend you, I would without question, but for now...I am done

                                                                                                                                     love always


And so it was, I decided to let her stay...stay within me. She was part of me, after all. And I was still young and not really of the understanding of this condition. As a teen in Mtown, I was diagnosed with Manic Depression; which to me, was just another version of depression. I really had no idea of what I was dealing with. This part of me was simply a part of my complicated disorder. I was entering adulthood with more than most had inside and I willfully carried it.
I decided to break up with Marvin. There was just nothing left of the covoluted relationship that we had developed. It was going to be tonight, the night of August 20th of the year of 1994. I left work and went by my apartment to pick him up. Of course, Marvin had been staying at my half empty apartment while I was working and as usual, I would drop by and pick him up to carry him home. We didn't talk much on the way to his apartment adm so I worked up the courage for what I had to tell him. When we pulled into his empty parking space, I readied myself for the ordeal.
I don't know how normal it is to be upset when you are the one who breaks up with another. By the end of my lengthy explanation of how things were just not working out, Marvin was the one who was comforting me. I cried because I didn't want to hurt him by my words and deeds. I didn't want to leave with such responsibility on my shoulders but I didn't want to pretend that there was any connection between us.
I left Marvin's feeling like a horrible person but still feeling strangely content in my decision.

August 25 1994

I finally moved completely into my apartment and only went to my parent's house on the weekends. I was dating Venum and spending lots of time staying drunk or stoned. One night we invited two female friends over to my apartment to hang out and smoke weed. I still remember them clearly, Denise and Carla.
As the night grew long and we all grew quite drunk and high, that giddy thing in me came out to play. Venum noticed the change in me immediately and smiled at the uninhibited emotions erupting from my body. We both started to  talk freely of my interests in the Vampire Chronicles. Venum insisted that he was a vampire himself, probably to impress the other girls. I watched him with curiosity and realised that he did not really know that much about me. I reached to the ashtray and retrieved a razor blade that he had been using to cut open cigars and roll blunts. I looked at Venum and smiled handing him the razor blade. He paused mid humorous tirade and starred at me. I smiled wider and gestured toward the blade. I felt the words bubble up in my throat and play on the tip of my tongue. Then I spoke.
"I am hungry." I widened my eyes and giggled.
Venum took the blade and looked back at me. I do not know how much reservation he had but he held my stare...then he moved the blade toward the underbelly of his arm. I watched patiently. Then in one quick motion Venum slashed at his forearm, opening a small gash. The girls gasped and held each other. I rocked back and forth on my ass, laughing hard. I found the scene hilarious and fullfilling. Venum looked back up at me and smiled then took a small wine glass and filled it with his own blood.
After he had drained his wound, he handed me the glass and spoke.
" There you are, drink up."
I paused and glanced quickly at the girls then I drank Venum's blood. It was thick and coppery with a hint of sweetness.
Spirit writhed with pleasure and moaned. I licked his blood from my lips and  began to take off my clothes. Within moments, I was naked and letting the other girls look at my body. I showed them every part of me and lay naked enjoying everyone's company. It was not sexual, it was not silly. This night was a fullfillment of my immortal soul....her immortal soul. That silly little being giggled throughout the night and drained both bottle and glass in hopes of growing stronger
and that thing did grow stronger...feasting upon those who wished to see her.

The end of August

Attending college,working and having my own place was very difficult. I found myself relying more and more on the part of me that was controversial. I worked, stayed out all night and then barely attended school. I felt my responsible part slipping terribly but she wanted to manifest. Even during class, she would giggle and make fun of the professors. I caught myself talking to myself on many occasions and getting strange looks from the other students.
Venum moved in with me around this time as well because he didn't like living with his grandmother. I thought it would be a great arrangment seeing as he could help me with my rent. I helped him move his things in with me and was surpised at how quickly the move progressed. Apparently, he had left Detroit the year before with nothing but a couple shirts and jeans and two pair of shoes. He, it seemed...lived for the moment. While he got along quite well with the giddy, silly part of normalacy was a different story.
When I wanted to stay in and be calm, we started to butt heads.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Things are cloudy now or what was once...reality. I know that I was excited to say the least. I had met someone...someone very attractive and interesting. Work became fun at times, watching him and interacting with him. For a long time, it was just us three...Venum, Tracy and I...on lunch break, driving round and getting high. Every day, I found a way to fuck Venum. Whether it was right after work, during lunch break when Tracy wasn't at work or just some moment inbetween. It was fast...and fun and there was no thinking about what I was doing. I remember asking Venum if I would get pregnant and he told me that I wouldn't as long as he pulled out. I trusted him and just let myself go completely.

There were times where things seemed odd...I noticed his interest in the blonde and even some of the other girls and I must admit...I was jealous. I never meant to feel that way and didn't really act upon the jealousy much...but I tried harder to please him.

I had to visit home very often as well and would leave my friends. I enjoyed spending time with my parents because I missed them. They were hard on me, asking questions and making me feel guilty for leaving but I had to put that aside and just pretend like it wasn't happening. I saw my sister, my nieces and tried to stay sober while with my family. I felt like I was living a double life again. I felt that giddy girl, that silly little thing in the back of my mind and she wanted out...she wanted to rule the world. I told her to be quiet and stay still around my parents would hate her, as they hated the aura of death which hovered over me as a child. They never said anything to me about that side of me but they would give me the looks that they had given me when they caught me outside with the dog, letting it lick me between the legs when I was around 9 years old. The look they gave  me when they jerked me up and kicked the dog....then preceeded to get me ready for church. The look that said I was going to hell if I didn't change.

No, I couldn't let her out....not now and how, oh how, dear god did I know it was a she that both

Sometime in August of 94

I found a dark place...a place away from my friends. It was after work when I was traveling back to my apartment to pick up Marvin. Yes, I still managed to keep Marvin despite of my time spent with Venum. But I knew it was only a matter of time until I had to break up with him.

But I stopped...there...on the side of the road halfway between work and my apartment and I turned off the car. I just sat at first and waited to feel feel that part of me or that thing which was always with me....well, unless she saw fit to disappear out of mirth or some kind. I waited but not for long. She came...and I will describe what it feels like when she does.

It *points to chest somewhere near center.* A giggle bubbles up inside and a feeling cascades throughout me. It is similar to adrenaline but more suttle at first. Then it is as if an animal had taken residence inside...a cat...a wolf.... a thing, a hungry thing. She comes then in the back of my mind and puts her hand over Sherrie's mouth. She whispers to me..."shhh" then backs away allowing me to see her.

The first time I saw her, she was me. She was plain as I was and timid...but now she looks different. I think she reveals herself more to me as time goes by.

So, I watched her materialize in my mind and I waited. I addressed her. And I guess to anyone who could see me talking to myself would worry...but not to worry, this was for a good cause.

"I need you to go away." I spoke sternly.

The image looked angry and hurt but I did not care.

"I need you to go away....I want a normal life." I spoke again.

She spoke back and it sounded so beautiful, so tempting and so alive.

"I will leave in one years time...I give you this." She paused then spoke again

"I just need to know him too so that I can protect you if I need to. Give me this...."

for the time being, she was gone...