75

1995

I was pathetic at times and I knew it. I had trouble finding the balance between pitching a fit and giving in. It is really harder than you think to make the right decisions in this case. Life in Tupelo was no easier than life in Booneville. It was just the same old shit, same old people...just a different town...oh, and did i mention....the same old job as well.
I was just a temporary employee as I stated before. Venum had just got hired on full time around 1995 because he had been there for a year before I came along. It seemed that a year was the magic time limit of being a temp at Bio Clinic. Around the beginning of the year of 1995, the company closed down one of its facilities and moved us across the street to the other. I had to learn to get along with new employees and new situations. I was never really the best for change.
I met some very interesting people who never ceased to drive me nuts...people who still thought we were all in high school. That in itself should make a long story short. I was now working really close to Aaliyah's mother every night and telling her that I had no money for diapers. Meanwhile, Venum would avoid her at every turn. Many times, I told him that I was wrong about how I acted before when I would complain about his child and that he should deal with her himself, he should give her money. But that was his situation and I had problems of my own.
Like I said...I was pathetic at times and did not know how to deal with situations. I was not the best "people person" by far. But I did have a heart and sometimes the decisions that I made, I regretted later on...not that i could take back my words. Sometimes that thing inside just spoke exactly how it felt...and it could be very cruel.

Christie

I knew it would happen eventually. There was always this thing I would say about Christie. We could only be civil for the first hour that we were together, then all hell usually broke loose. Sometimes it was quiet hatred and sometimes it was arguing about something stupid...mainly her brother. We had vastly different opinions on how a relationship was supposed to be and so we usually butted heads about it.
I, for one, knew something odd was going on with Venum. So many times, he would insist on having his conversations with people away from me. I knew there were secrets and it drove me crazy. When we would go places, he would always tell me to wait in the car. When people would come to the apartment, they would honk their horn and he would go outside. More times than not, they would never come inside. My curiosity got the best of me one day when we were all on our way to work. It was me Venum and Christie and we were stopping at her uncle's house to pick up Tricky. Venum told us to wait in the car while he went inside. When he returned some time later, I had to ask the question that had been eating at me for weeks.
"why do you always leave me out of things? If we are together, why am I always in the dark?"
Before Venum could answer me, his sister joined right in and told me not to worry about it and to calm down. She could see that I was irritated.
I spoke again more assertively. "NO, I want to know why."
Venum just looked at me funny and didn't say a word. Christie laughed under her breath and looked at Venum. They exchanged a look between the two. I grew angrier and just couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I was in MY car and I was driving them around...and I couldn't be included in anything. Either I was hiding or I was chaffuering. I did not feel like a girlfriend to Venum.
"NO, I mean...I just don't think that everything is none of my business to be honest." I stated matter of factly.
Christie looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but my brother's business is his business and none of yours."
"Oh really, well I thought I had some right to be involved in something seeing as that he lives with me, drives my car and  we are together!"
Venum piped up and started to speak. "hey, hey...this is not necessary..."
"Look, you need to stay out of my brother's business!" Christie pointed her finger at me.
"NOt while he is in my car and you should keep your mouth shut too. Looks like I am the one who is driving you to work." I spoke in anger. The thing inside would not stop. She was taking full control and would not relinquish it either.
Christie got extremely angry because her eyes got huge. She grunted and said "hell no!"
Christie had this thing where when she said 'hell no' you expected her to explode any minute. She just sat and fumed for a minute.
"If you ride in my car, then you don't tell me to stay out of your brother's business. I think he can speak for himself."
"Then let me out! I mean it, let me out this car!"
I smiled and pulled over somewhere between Christie and Venum's uncle's house and turned off the key. "fine, be my guest."
Christie got out of the car and started walking back toward her uncle's house. YOu could see that Venum was angry and he sat and fumed. I didn't say much for the first ten minutes as I drove toward the town of Booneville. Then, as the thing quieted, I started to feel bad. I started to talk to Venum but he ignored me. As we neared the first gas station, he told me to pull over and he got out to call his uncle to pick up his sister.
He didn't speak to me the rest of the day. Half of me cared while the other half did not. I tried to pry words out of him and he just milked it. I had just had it with their bullshit....the using, the secrecy and damnit...I didn't want to be hidden in that fucking back seat.

1995

I realized that I was much too pale. I mean, I was beyond pale and it just didn't seem natural...to them anyway. The majority were always tanning themselves to be sexier and I was just standing out like an alien. I decided to start laying in the tanning bed to get some color. I wanted to be normal, to fit in and I wanted to be more attractive to Venum.
I was going to the tanning bed for about a week when I started getting sick. At first it was a little queasiness that would pass after a few minutes or so. Then, it was like clockwork....every morning at the same time. I had no idea, at first, what It could be.
I was pregnant. I came to the realization after another week. I stopped going to the tanning bed and scheduled an appointment at the doctor's office, the free one. I couldn't afford the clinic bill because I simply never had any money. So many things began running through my mind but I did not tell Venum about what was going on. I was going to wait until I saw the doctor first and knew for a fact whether or not I was pregnant. My mind was rusing and I was sick...so very sick. I felt so ugly as well. I went to the store and bought an over the counter pregnancy test because I was so impatient. I started to feel incredibly happy about the prospect of becoming a parent. I started to visualize what it would be like if I had a little girl or little boy with Venum. I smiled a while then I frowned at the thought of losing my figure to pregnancy. I was torn but I was beginning to lean toward being happy about the whole thing. I took the test and it was postitive. I was definitely pregnant but I still hid it.
On the morning of the appointment I was nervous. What if the test was wrong? What if the test was right? Both questions held so much weight in my mind. By the time I arrived I was a mess....meaning I was emotionally excited in an odd sort of way.
The test was positive again and I plopped down in my car and started to think things over. I wandered about the fact that I would get big and lose my figure but then my thoughts would entertain me with visions of little hands and feet and little baby things...and so I smiled at the thought. I laughed and thought about my baby all the way back to the appartment. When I pulled in the driveway, I thought about Venum. For the first time all day, I remembered the father and instantly I felt guilt about that fact. I knew I had to tell him and I had to tell him now.
I ran into the apartment and called his name. He was walking out of the kitchen and he just stopped in his tracks. I told him to sit down and he did because he actually had no idea what I was about to say and quite frankly, he looked a little odd.
"I am pregnant." I blurted out.
Venum's mouth fell open and then he spoke.
"What?! Are you sure?" Venum started. "Did you take one of those store bought deals?"
"Yes, I did and I just got back from the clinic too."
Venum mumbled and then he motioned for me to come sit by him.
"I am kind of excited, Venum. I mean, I know it is a big, huge thing but...but we are gonna have a baby...I mean...what do you think"
Venum frowned and took my hands in his. He pulled me down to the floor and we lay beside each other.
"Listen, I don't think...I mean"
I spoke up. "Are you saying we should get rid of it?"
"Well, Sherrie...we are too young to have a baby. I mean, we haven't even been together that long." Venum spoke quietly and soothed me by rubbing my hair.
I was so confused but I wanted to do what made him happy. I was changing my mind...right there...right at that time...while lying beside him.
"But, I don't know...do you really think so, Venum?" I asked.
"I do....I mean, I hate it but we are not married and who knows...we might not even be together forever."
I stared off into space as Venum pulled me near and held me tight.
At that moment....I murdered my child....not later....right then.