67

Things are cloudy now or what was once...reality. I know that I was excited to say the least. I had met someone...someone very attractive and interesting. Work became fun at times, watching him and interacting with him. For a long time, it was just us three...Venum, Tracy and I...on lunch break, driving round and getting high. Every day, I found a way to fuck Venum. Whether it was right after work, during lunch break when Tracy wasn't at work or just some moment inbetween. It was fast...and fun and there was no thinking about what I was doing. I remember asking Venum if I would get pregnant and he told me that I wouldn't as long as he pulled out. I trusted him and just let myself go completely.

There were times where things seemed odd...I noticed his interest in the blonde and even some of the other girls and I must admit...I was jealous. I never meant to feel that way and didn't really act upon the jealousy much...but I tried harder to please him.

I had to visit home very often as well and would leave my friends. I enjoyed spending time with my parents because I missed them. They were hard on me, asking questions and making me feel guilty for leaving but I had to put that aside and just pretend like it wasn't happening. I saw my sister, my nieces and tried to stay sober while with my family. I felt like I was living a double life again. I felt that giddy girl, that silly little thing in the back of my mind and she wanted out...she wanted to rule the world. I told her to be quiet and stay still around my parents...my parents would hate her, as they hated the aura of death which hovered over me as a child. They never said anything to me about that side of me but they would give me the looks that they had given me when they caught me outside with the dog, letting it lick me between the legs when I was around 9 years old. The look they gave  me when they jerked me up and kicked the dog....then preceeded to get me ready for church. The look that said I was going to hell if I didn't change.

No, I couldn't let her out....not now and how, oh how, dear god did I know it was a she that both

Sometime in August of 94

I found a dark place...a place away from my friends. It was after work when I was traveling back to my apartment to pick up Marvin. Yes, I still managed to keep Marvin despite of my time spent with Venum. But I knew it was only a matter of time until I had to break up with him.

But I stopped...there...on the side of the road halfway between work and my apartment and I turned off the car. I just sat at first and waited to feel her....to feel that part of me or that thing which was always with me....well, unless she saw fit to disappear out of mirth or some kind. I waited but not for long. She came...and I will describe what it feels like when she does.

It tickles...here *points to chest somewhere near center.* A giggle bubbles up inside and a feeling cascades throughout me. It is similar to adrenaline but more suttle at first. Then it is as if an animal had taken residence inside...a cat...a wolf.... a thing, a hungry thing. She comes then in the back of my mind and puts her hand over Sherrie's mouth. She whispers to me..."shhh" then backs away allowing me to see her.

The first time I saw her, she was me. She was plain as I was and timid...but now she looks different. I think she reveals herself more to me as time goes by.

So, I watched her materialize in my mind and I waited. I addressed her. And I guess to anyone who could see me talking to myself would worry...but not to worry, this was for a good cause.

"I need you to go away." I spoke sternly.

The image looked angry and hurt but I did not care.

"I need you to go away....I want a normal life." I spoke again.

She spoke back and it sounded so beautiful, so tempting and so alive.

"I will leave in one years time...I give you this." She paused then spoke again

"I just need to know him too so that I can protect you if I need to. Give me this...."

for the time being, she was gone...