Tuesday, September 25, 2012


The year of my birth. At this point in time there is little to remember. November of 1974, late in the year at that. The only clear memory that I have is of screaming.
A man, not unike Kasey Kasem was standing above me with dark sunglasses on. I remember his hair being almost black and his skin very dark. Not dark as in African American or from India, but dark. He wore a light colored jacket. I remember his smile which slowly spread across his face as he reached down for me. Then I remember screaming, screaming so very loud and high pitched. I suppose he frightened me. That man was my grandfather. The first and last memory that I have of him.

Many things occured in 1974. This was the year of the Watergate Scandal, the year that the Rubix Cube was invented and also the year that 'Lucy' was discovered by anthropologists. As it seems it was also the year that Haile SAlasie was deposed by the Derg.

Of course I was oblivious to it all. I entered the light called the real world then cooed into the year 1975. While the world was changing around me, I was comfortable in ignorance...and innocence.
While October 31 was Halloween and November 1st, Day of the Innocents, was the first day of the dead, El dia de los Muertes. November 2nd, All souls day and second day in the Day of the Dead and that leaves my birthday..NOvember 3...One day after the Coronation of Haile Salasie, which was also on November second.

November 3rd of 1974 seems to be quite uneventful except for my birth. The higher powers must have known a great secret that I did not. Maybe my birth took too much energy from the cosmos, because my mom almost bled to death and I almost died from some sickness no one elaborates on. Guess it was just an exagerated story of the common cold which struck an infant.
Most things are exaggerated when tales are told, but one thing is for sure...I was born, born in 1974 to Ester and James and an older brother named Allen and a much older sister named Joyce, who would marry soon after my birth and move out.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012



Within the darkest places of your host, the one who birthed you, is a place of secret things which give to you your soul. A water world which bends and shapes the limbs in which you reach, a warm place where you, the parasite learn to be human.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

and now...the orgin of such terror and this terror which marries me to that inside within. That thing which is as not that which was born in this skin.


So much is blurred between then and now, it seems. I know that I fell in love periodically with different boys and different girls. The girls never responded but the boys did. I was still protective of my virginity and would only go so far, thus ending the lust and infatuation.

I remember seeing one redhead that resemble Archie from the comic book and several black guys, one who wanted badly to be Prince. Nothing went very far because of my virtues with sexuality. I was so frightened of my father and scared as well of the boys. I had a sense of wanting to keep control of my body and was afraid of lending it out, so to speak.

Of course I would make out and get felt up, that was no problem, it was just something about crossing a boundary which to think of it now kind of puts me in the mind of losing your sanity. It seems that the loss of virginity is akin to the blurring and the loss of that line which takes away control. Of course I overthink and thought most things in that manner.

The one I liked the most was a guy named Timmy, even though his requirements to love was very degrading and hurtful. But how many choices did I have considering I was an unpopular virgin who was ...by the way, nuts.

The night was always beautiful to me. I loved to leave the house and wander round. And the night was so much more, horrible and stark bare in its pure evil. I never really had a plan, I would just walk through the garden and talk to myself and to whoever had the urge to listen. Sometimes I might get scared but not very often. I found myself, at times, when fear would assault me, to stare defiantly into the darkness and threaten the unknown.
"Come on...I mean it, come on. What, exactly can you do? I want to know, show me. The pain you inflict can be nothing...nothing."
The rants were different from time to time when I would walk at night. But they revolved around an invitation, a strong will and rebelious fighting spirit. Inside I invited them to end my torment, whoever and whatever stalked the night. By the end of my rant, i found my face awash in tears and my lips quivering. I wanted to battle fear in the most horriying way. Not in strength of prayer, but to invite the thing which rambled and shambled on the edge of darkness to take a bite of me...and then to allow me to show it my sharp teeth as well.