1

So much is blurred between then and now, it seems. I know that I fell in love periodically with different boys and different girls. The girls never responded but the boys did. I was still protective of my virginity and would only go so far, thus ending the lust and infatuation.

I remember seeing one redhead that resemble Archie from the comic book and several black guys, one who wanted badly to be Prince. Nothing went very far because of my virtues with sexuality. I was so frightened of my father and scared as well of the boys. I had a sense of wanting to keep control of my body and was afraid of lending it out, so to speak.

Of course I would make out and get felt up, that was no problem, it was just something about crossing a boundary which to think of it now kind of puts me in the mind of losing your sanity. It seems that the loss of virginity is akin to the blurring and the loss of that line which takes away control. Of course I overthink and thought most things in that manner.

The one I liked the most was a guy named Timmy, even though his requirements to love was very degrading and hurtful. But how many choices did I have considering I was an unpopular virgin who was ...by the way, nuts.

Winter
1988
The night was always beautiful to me. I loved to leave the house and wander round. And the night was so much more, horrible and stark bare in its pure evil. I never really had a plan, I would just walk through the garden and talk to myself and to whoever had the urge to listen. Sometimes I might get scared but not very often. I found myself, at times, when fear would assault me, to stare defiantly into the darkness and threaten the unknown.
"Come on...I mean it, come on. What, exactly can you do? I want to know, show me. The pain you inflict can be nothing...nothing."
The rants were different from time to time when I would walk at night. But they revolved around an invitation, a strong will and rebelious fighting spirit. Inside I invited them to end my torment, whoever and whatever stalked the night. By the end of my rant, i found my face awash in tears and my lips quivering. I wanted to battle fear in the most horriying way. Not in strength of prayer, but to invite the thing which rambled and shambled on the edge of darkness to take a bite of me...and then to allow me to show it my sharp teeth as well.