Once upon a time, I was a young girl...I changed
Things that made me feel uncomfortable, I learned to bury. I watched Cami digging a hole in the dirt on the playground. I stood there in my little skirt and sandals watching intently as she dug frantically into the soil of the playground. Her little stick splintered and broke then she got another one. She was crying, crying so hard that the dirt got wet and balled up underneathe her stick. I felt sorry for her. I approached her and stood watching.
Her second stick broke and she looked around for another one. That is when she saw me and fell backwards. Her face was in shock. The hole that she was digging was big enough to hide my foot if I was to place it there. I looked into her eyes and she dropped her head. I asked her what she was doing. At first she said nothing and picked up her stick. She started to dig again, slowly at first then she picked up the pace. I squated down in front of her and asked her what she was doing.
"I am digging a hole...a hole to hell. So, that the devil can come and get you." She looked up at me in a mix of anger and fear.
I tilted my head and lifted her chin to see her face. I felt sorry for her but I had to be honest.
"YOu shouldn't do that, Cami. It just could not be good for you." I smiled.
"why?" she stammered.
I smiled. "Because, if you send for the devil, then he will take you."
I walked away. She continued to dig.
1982
Sometime in the beginning of the year of 1982 was when I spent most of my time with my male cousins, Jake and Grant. Jake was two years younger than me and Grant was two years younger than Jake. I found both of them very interesting to play with but sometimes, I was revolted by them because they were males. Most of the males either beat me, touched me or treated me in a negative manner. The only males who I felt safe around was my brother and sometimes my father when he wasn't angry. I looked at males with a mixture of excitement and hatred. At this time, I did not know that some males could have good souls. I was a child and children call them as they see them.
I played with my cousins in the woods, in the yard and would visit with them at my aunt's house. We watched horror movies together and fought each other quite frequently. Over the course of 1981 and 1982, I learned to loved them and learn that not everyone wanted to treat me in an inferior manner. In fact, I developed a crush on Jake and loved it when he would hug me and ride four wheelers with me. The feel of my body against his was nice. I wasn't being molested by George, I was equal...I felt in control of my emotions. It was something new to me.
One of our favorite games was to throw green apples over my aunt's house. One of us would stand in the back yard while the other one would stand in the front. The third one would stand watch until my aunt came outside to see what was going on. The apples would thump thump across the roof and we would catch them and throw them back. She would become angry and make us go inside. I know it was mischevious, but it was fun.
1982
I started hiding from George sometime in the year of 1982. I would hide in comforting places like behind my grandmother's huge chair in her room. I would hide in the woods at times when mom and dad were not looking. I would watch George go inside the house then watch him come back out and look around. He searched the entire yard looking for me. Then he would walk, or more so, shamble up the road back to his house. I would come back into the yard and sit on the porch. I felt a sudden wave of relief knowing that I did not have to meet his demands that day.
As time went on, I felt more and more disgust at what George did with me. Over time, I managed to avoid him several times within a week. I cherished those days, it was as if I had won a battle with something. But I knew that it was going to get harder to do as George started to figure out that he was being rejected. I remember the day so clearly that George figured out that he was being rejected. One day, George came back down the road only minutes after I had returned from hiding. He saw me and started walking faster. I remember my shoes scrambling backward up the front steps and my grandmother asking me something through the screen door. I couldn't make out what she was saying but I knew she had seen me stumble. I ran inside and went to my grandmother's room. Grabbing a blanket, I coverd myself from head to toe and waited quietly in hopes that he would get tired of me and decide to go home. I thought I had locked my grandmother's bedroom door and was being very quiet....but nothing could stop him from finding me.
I heard the door when it creaked, I heard the steps grow closer to my huddled mass and then I heard his breathing. George was a mouth breather, He was the kind of guy that seemed to be standing right over you at all times until you ran away, screamed or just sat revolted...frozen.
He lifted the blanket and looked at me. Then he spoke two words. Laying one finger against his lips he spoke.
"Don't tell."
Then he pulled my roughly from under my covers.othing could stop him from finding me.
I heard the door when it creaked, I heard the steps grow closer to my huddled mass and then I heard his breathing. George was a mouth breather, He was the kind of guy that seemed to be standing right over you at all times until you ran away, screamed or just sat revolted...frozen.
He lifted the blanket and looked at me. Then he spoke two words. Laying one finger against his lips he spoke.
"Don't tell."
Then he pulled my roughly from under my covers.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
14
1981
My anger grew as I moved through the motions of life. George visited everyday and i Numbly let him have my young body. My mind was very far away from this scenario he created. Mom was at work and daddy was somewhere. Daddy could not keep a job and so he hunted or built things for friends. But they never stayed at home with me. My grandmother cooked nice things for me and let me watch television with her until George came and she made me go "play " with him.
ONe afternoon when moma and daddy were home, a strange boy and his father came calling. I remember the way they looked as they whipped into the driveway and jumped out of their truck. Their faces were pale as the moon. My daddy went out the door and I watched them talking. My daddy dropped his head then ran back toward the house. Daddy told me to go to my grandmother's room and be a good girl. I went to her room but quickly doubled back and snuck down the hallway. Allen came out of my grandmother's room and walked to the front of the house. I heard daddy yell at him to go back to the room. The shadows in the hallway covered me as I crawled back toward my parent's room. I heard them whispering and my mother gasped. As they talked very low, I could make out enough to understand what was going on. The men were hunters and they had found a body in the woods. My father was telling my mother that he had to go check it out since he was the town deputy. Yes, my father was law enforcement at the time and he was responsible for such happenings in the town when the sheriff wasn't available.
Father made adjustments and grabbed a gun. He then headed out the door to follow the men to where the body had been found. I was so intrigued and could not concentrate on anything the rest of the night. When father returned, I went to sit my him. He seemed so strange to me...distant and alien. I smiled up at him and lay my head on his shoulder. After some time, I heard him tell my mother that he had to go back out the same night.
I wanted to go with my father. I wanted to see what he saw. As men gathered in the yard to continue the search for the body, I went up to my daddy and tugged at his sleeve.
"Can I go with you?" I asked. I was surprised when he said...
"sure"
1981
Only parts of the body were found at a time. A foot, an arm and then the rib cage. It was like an alien world in those woods that night. I beleive my brother went with us too...I cannot remember...I was just so enamored by the whole ordeal. Curious and wanting to see more. I did remember seeing a sock with something in it. Yes, it was a foot. I can still remember the way my father sounded when he found that sock. I can remember the air coming from his lungs as the sadness welled up inside.
They all knew...deep down...they knew who the body belonged to. Some time before a teenage boy had gone missing from Falkner Ms. His name was Steve Brown and he was murdered on a hunting trip. He was murdered in the woods across from my home. I tilted my head in wonder at the whole of it.
I didn't really know sadness but I knew finality. I knew that death and his work. He was rather enjoying this and slid up beside me in the dark.
"seeeee....see, this is how you end a dispute." I was confused
but death was not...
ref: facts detailing incidents from the true story about Steve Brown and Mike Miskely, see the motion picture, Deperate for love with Christian Slater.
Cami tried to bully me only once again. One time at school, I was staying inside the first grade classroom because I wanted to be alone. I preferred to be by myself at odd times as those. I was quietly freaking out and trying to fit the peices of the weirdness together. She came inside with a very big girl; I know this girl was twice her size. She spied me sitting in the corner of the classroom. I turned to see her smirk and then laugh. I do not know where her courage came from but she pulled if forth and spoke to me in authority. I remember her words like they were words spoken to me an hour ago.
"You are not allowed to be in here during recess." She spoke confidently.
I am sure she was not afraid because of the large girl at her side. I rose and walked over to her and looked into her face. Her smile dissapeared but she gathered some fool courage regardless.
"You heard me." Then she pushed me.
ONe push, one push is all it took for me to ignite. I say ignite because that is the only possible way to explain what occured in my brain. I grabbed her and went blank. Blackness devoured me. I could not see, I could not feel or hear anything. My vision cleared and I saw her there. Three rows of desks were turned over and she was crumpled in the midst of them. she screamed and cried horribly. I looked around and saw the big girl cower from me. The door swung open and our teacher stormed into the room. She was very angry and she scanned the room and all the damage. ONe of the desks was broken and Cami's lip was bleeding. I backed away timidly and held my hands to my mouth. The teacher glanced at Cami crumpled on the floor crying and walked briskly toward me. I knew I was in a world of trouble based on how Ms. Graves looked. She smoldered then slowly started to smile.
She took my arm and led me out the other door into the hallway.
She looked into my face and smiled sweetly, then she spoke.
"Sherrie, I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself." She rubbed my face. "But you need to go clean that mess up in there...NOw." She frowned then turned to walk away.
I had no thoughts but I heard laughter from somewhere behind me. Death spoke again
"Almost there...now just a little harder. Kill her."
I had enough of him. I hated death and I wanted him to go away. I screamed.
"Go away!!!!!! Leave me alone!!! I will not do it! It's wrong!"
I wept
My anger grew as I moved through the motions of life. George visited everyday and i Numbly let him have my young body. My mind was very far away from this scenario he created. Mom was at work and daddy was somewhere. Daddy could not keep a job and so he hunted or built things for friends. But they never stayed at home with me. My grandmother cooked nice things for me and let me watch television with her until George came and she made me go "play " with him.
ONe afternoon when moma and daddy were home, a strange boy and his father came calling. I remember the way they looked as they whipped into the driveway and jumped out of their truck. Their faces were pale as the moon. My daddy went out the door and I watched them talking. My daddy dropped his head then ran back toward the house. Daddy told me to go to my grandmother's room and be a good girl. I went to her room but quickly doubled back and snuck down the hallway. Allen came out of my grandmother's room and walked to the front of the house. I heard daddy yell at him to go back to the room. The shadows in the hallway covered me as I crawled back toward my parent's room. I heard them whispering and my mother gasped. As they talked very low, I could make out enough to understand what was going on. The men were hunters and they had found a body in the woods. My father was telling my mother that he had to go check it out since he was the town deputy. Yes, my father was law enforcement at the time and he was responsible for such happenings in the town when the sheriff wasn't available.
Father made adjustments and grabbed a gun. He then headed out the door to follow the men to where the body had been found. I was so intrigued and could not concentrate on anything the rest of the night. When father returned, I went to sit my him. He seemed so strange to me...distant and alien. I smiled up at him and lay my head on his shoulder. After some time, I heard him tell my mother that he had to go back out the same night.
I wanted to go with my father. I wanted to see what he saw. As men gathered in the yard to continue the search for the body, I went up to my daddy and tugged at his sleeve.
"Can I go with you?" I asked. I was surprised when he said...
"sure"
1981
Only parts of the body were found at a time. A foot, an arm and then the rib cage. It was like an alien world in those woods that night. I beleive my brother went with us too...I cannot remember...I was just so enamored by the whole ordeal. Curious and wanting to see more. I did remember seeing a sock with something in it. Yes, it was a foot. I can still remember the way my father sounded when he found that sock. I can remember the air coming from his lungs as the sadness welled up inside.
They all knew...deep down...they knew who the body belonged to. Some time before a teenage boy had gone missing from Falkner Ms. His name was Steve Brown and he was murdered on a hunting trip. He was murdered in the woods across from my home. I tilted my head in wonder at the whole of it.
I didn't really know sadness but I knew finality. I knew that death and his work. He was rather enjoying this and slid up beside me in the dark.
"seeeee....see, this is how you end a dispute." I was confused
but death was not...
ref: facts detailing incidents from the true story about Steve Brown and Mike Miskely, see the motion picture, Deperate for love with Christian Slater.
Cami tried to bully me only once again. One time at school, I was staying inside the first grade classroom because I wanted to be alone. I preferred to be by myself at odd times as those. I was quietly freaking out and trying to fit the peices of the weirdness together. She came inside with a very big girl; I know this girl was twice her size. She spied me sitting in the corner of the classroom. I turned to see her smirk and then laugh. I do not know where her courage came from but she pulled if forth and spoke to me in authority. I remember her words like they were words spoken to me an hour ago.
"You are not allowed to be in here during recess." She spoke confidently.
I am sure she was not afraid because of the large girl at her side. I rose and walked over to her and looked into her face. Her smile dissapeared but she gathered some fool courage regardless.
"You heard me." Then she pushed me.
ONe push, one push is all it took for me to ignite. I say ignite because that is the only possible way to explain what occured in my brain. I grabbed her and went blank. Blackness devoured me. I could not see, I could not feel or hear anything. My vision cleared and I saw her there. Three rows of desks were turned over and she was crumpled in the midst of them. she screamed and cried horribly. I looked around and saw the big girl cower from me. The door swung open and our teacher stormed into the room. She was very angry and she scanned the room and all the damage. ONe of the desks was broken and Cami's lip was bleeding. I backed away timidly and held my hands to my mouth. The teacher glanced at Cami crumpled on the floor crying and walked briskly toward me. I knew I was in a world of trouble based on how Ms. Graves looked. She smoldered then slowly started to smile.
She took my arm and led me out the other door into the hallway.
She looked into my face and smiled sweetly, then she spoke.
"Sherrie, I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself." She rubbed my face. "But you need to go clean that mess up in there...NOw." She frowned then turned to walk away.
I had no thoughts but I heard laughter from somewhere behind me. Death spoke again
"Almost there...now just a little harder. Kill her."
I had enough of him. I hated death and I wanted him to go away. I screamed.
"Go away!!!!!! Leave me alone!!! I will not do it! It's wrong!"
I wept
Saturday, December 15, 2012
13
1981
I listened to Cami for a long time. She told me what to do and how to do it and I would comply with her. I knew that death was wrong about all of them being inbred fools. In my heart, I knew Cami had good intentions, or so I thought. I wanted to beleive this, maybe...I wanted to beleive these things because it was easier than to stand up for myself. I tried so hard for a long time to give Cami the benefit of the doubt before I changed my mind. I did not do lots of thinking or planning when I changed my mind about Cami, I just acted.
One of those days that Cami came down the little dirt road to play with me, we decided to play with my dolls. We had something to drink while moma cooked dinner then we went to my room. There we got all my barbies from the box underneath my grandmother's room (which was my room too).
Cami told me that we should light candles and pretend that the dolls were on dates. I disagreed and told her that it was a bad idea to burn candles in my grandmother's room. Cami told me to be quiet and continued to light the candles. We sat on the floor and arranged little barbie tables and candles in an area that we called our restaurant.
I picked up a dress and started to put it on my barbie.
"No, not that one, it's mine!"
I looked at the dress and then handed it over to Cami. She slapped the dress out of my hand an motioned for something else.
I looked at her and spoke. "What do you want?"
" That doll is mine. I don't want that ugly dress. I want my doll."
I gave my doll to Cami and picked up another one. I dressed my doll and sat her by the dollie furniture.
She glanced at what I was doing. "
and Cami said no. She told me that the dress that I picked was hers and the doll was too. So I had to hand over my doll for another one. Then I dressed my doll and sat her at the little barbie table nearest to me. and said no. She said that I should not be sitting; I should be standing and talking to the ken doll. I did as Cami said. I could feel the fumes from the candles wrapping around me and I grew a little aggitated. I picked up my doll and started to take her dress off, I wanted another one. Cami stopped fussing with her doll and looked at me. She reminded me that it was not time to take the dress off the doll. I gripped the doll tighter and looked at Cami. She had a stern look on her face and she frowned. I started to take the dress off again and she reached out taking the doll from my hand.
The mind is strange. It has episodes when it just shuts off entirely. Things are put in the wrong order and sometimes just erased. I do not remember rising from the floor, I do not remember leaping on top of Cami but I do remember choking her.
I had both hands around her neck and I was strangling her. I slammed her head onto the floor countless times as she made a gurling squealing noise through the opening that she had left in her throat. Her hands were wrapped around mine trying to pry me loose from her. I only let her go long enough to reach for some weapon with my right hand. I grabbed one of the barbie furniture peices that had sharp corners. I beat her face with the furniture while keeping my other hand around her neck. My thighs held her body down as well. I screamed at her not remembering what I was saying. Then I was pulled roughly from Cami. My mother was there and she was yelling at me.
My mother pulled me from Cami and saved my little friend that day. All the time she soothed me, death chided.
"see, I told you...she is an inbred fool. YOu should have killed her."
I was ashamed at how I felt and I ran outside.
1981
I stopped listening to death. I felt him near but I ignored him. Even when George was touching me, I let the pleasure pass through me. I had no desire to be as death wanted me to be. I was no killer, I was not that sort of evil and I had everything that George wanted. I think I beleived at some point that George loved me.
I started to approach him and take his hand in mine. I would draw him to my room and help him to find my special place. I know, I was a special knid of evil maybe. I was an evil that had time to grow and time to develop into what I should be. I had let him touch me, showed others how it felt when he touched me and now I was desiring that touch. I would alternate between lust and guilt. I would approach him and let him touch me and then, at other times, I would fight him and push him away.
All these thoughts should never have passed through this little child's mind but they did. I was chipping and coming apart. I could feel the surface leaking out some black fluid. The pink surface gave way to gray and my smile would turn deeper and my eyes slightly closed.
the things I learned were many, the pain I endured was horrendous...these things I gave away...my soul
I listened to Cami for a long time. She told me what to do and how to do it and I would comply with her. I knew that death was wrong about all of them being inbred fools. In my heart, I knew Cami had good intentions, or so I thought. I wanted to beleive this, maybe...I wanted to beleive these things because it was easier than to stand up for myself. I tried so hard for a long time to give Cami the benefit of the doubt before I changed my mind. I did not do lots of thinking or planning when I changed my mind about Cami, I just acted.
One of those days that Cami came down the little dirt road to play with me, we decided to play with my dolls. We had something to drink while moma cooked dinner then we went to my room. There we got all my barbies from the box underneath my grandmother's room (which was my room too).
Cami told me that we should light candles and pretend that the dolls were on dates. I disagreed and told her that it was a bad idea to burn candles in my grandmother's room. Cami told me to be quiet and continued to light the candles. We sat on the floor and arranged little barbie tables and candles in an area that we called our restaurant.
I picked up a dress and started to put it on my barbie.
"No, not that one, it's mine!"
I looked at the dress and then handed it over to Cami. She slapped the dress out of my hand an motioned for something else.
I looked at her and spoke. "What do you want?"
" That doll is mine. I don't want that ugly dress. I want my doll."
I gave my doll to Cami and picked up another one. I dressed my doll and sat her by the dollie furniture.
She glanced at what I was doing. "
and Cami said no. She told me that the dress that I picked was hers and the doll was too. So I had to hand over my doll for another one. Then I dressed my doll and sat her at the little barbie table nearest to me. and said no. She said that I should not be sitting; I should be standing and talking to the ken doll. I did as Cami said. I could feel the fumes from the candles wrapping around me and I grew a little aggitated. I picked up my doll and started to take her dress off, I wanted another one. Cami stopped fussing with her doll and looked at me. She reminded me that it was not time to take the dress off the doll. I gripped the doll tighter and looked at Cami. She had a stern look on her face and she frowned. I started to take the dress off again and she reached out taking the doll from my hand.
The mind is strange. It has episodes when it just shuts off entirely. Things are put in the wrong order and sometimes just erased. I do not remember rising from the floor, I do not remember leaping on top of Cami but I do remember choking her.
I had both hands around her neck and I was strangling her. I slammed her head onto the floor countless times as she made a gurling squealing noise through the opening that she had left in her throat. Her hands were wrapped around mine trying to pry me loose from her. I only let her go long enough to reach for some weapon with my right hand. I grabbed one of the barbie furniture peices that had sharp corners. I beat her face with the furniture while keeping my other hand around her neck. My thighs held her body down as well. I screamed at her not remembering what I was saying. Then I was pulled roughly from Cami. My mother was there and she was yelling at me.
My mother pulled me from Cami and saved my little friend that day. All the time she soothed me, death chided.
"see, I told you...she is an inbred fool. YOu should have killed her."
I was ashamed at how I felt and I ran outside.
1981
I stopped listening to death. I felt him near but I ignored him. Even when George was touching me, I let the pleasure pass through me. I had no desire to be as death wanted me to be. I was no killer, I was not that sort of evil and I had everything that George wanted. I think I beleived at some point that George loved me.
I started to approach him and take his hand in mine. I would draw him to my room and help him to find my special place. I know, I was a special knid of evil maybe. I was an evil that had time to grow and time to develop into what I should be. I had let him touch me, showed others how it felt when he touched me and now I was desiring that touch. I would alternate between lust and guilt. I would approach him and let him touch me and then, at other times, I would fight him and push him away.
All these thoughts should never have passed through this little child's mind but they did. I was chipping and coming apart. I could feel the surface leaking out some black fluid. The pink surface gave way to gray and my smile would turn deeper and my eyes slightly closed.
the things I learned were many, the pain I endured was horrendous...these things I gave away...my soul
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
2012
I do not know how much longer I can do this...this playing pretend to be a normal human being. As memories flow through my brain like a putrid river, I grow more inward and find it harder to breathe. Those things you see as me are not real;they are make believe. This, this book of demons is what is real.
I am not a monster...
Please cover my mouth, my eyes and bind my tongue.
Some things should never be spoken, some regrets undone and some wings....
should remain broken
broken permanently
I do not know how much longer I can do this...this playing pretend to be a normal human being. As memories flow through my brain like a putrid river, I grow more inward and find it harder to breathe. Those things you see as me are not real;they are make believe. This, this book of demons is what is real.
I am not a monster...
Please cover my mouth, my eyes and bind my tongue.
Some things should never be spoken, some regrets undone and some wings....
should remain broken
broken permanently
Sunday, December 2, 2012
She held me down, forcing the tobacco into my mouth.
"Close your mouth." She said
I closed my mouth and whimpered. I hated the sour taste but knew I could not dis obey her. I started to cry as a line of brown spittle erupted from my lips. My vision blurred and swayed.
Death was there, standing behind Cami. Death was even laughing at me.
Then blackness came.
"Close your mouth." She said
I closed my mouth and whimpered. I hated the sour taste but knew I could not dis obey her. I started to cry as a line of brown spittle erupted from my lips. My vision blurred and swayed.
Death was there, standing behind Cami. Death was even laughing at me.
Then blackness came.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)