15

Once upon a time, I was a young girl...I changed
Things that made me feel uncomfortable, I learned to bury. I watched Cami digging a hole in the dirt on the playground. I stood there in my little skirt and sandals watching intently as she dug frantically into the soil of the playground. Her little stick splintered and broke then she got another one. She was crying, crying so hard that the dirt got wet and balled up underneathe her stick. I felt sorry for her. I approached her and stood watching.

Her second stick broke and she looked around for another one. That is when she saw me and fell backwards. Her face was in shock. The hole that she was digging was big enough to hide my foot if I was to place it there. I looked into her eyes and she dropped her head. I asked her what she was doing. At first she said nothing and picked up her stick. She started to dig again, slowly at first then she picked up the pace. I squated down in front of her and asked her what she was doing.

"I am digging a hole...a hole to hell. So, that the devil can come and get you." She looked up at me in a mix of anger and fear.

I tilted my head and lifted her chin to see her face. I felt sorry for her but I had to be honest.

"YOu shouldn't do that, Cami. It just could not be good for you." I smiled.

"why?" she stammered.

I smiled. "Because, if you send for the devil, then he will take you."

I walked away. She continued to dig.

1982

Sometime in the beginning of the year of 1982 was when I spent most of my time with my male cousins, Jake and Grant. Jake was two years younger than me and Grant was two years younger than Jake. I found both of them very interesting to play with but sometimes, I was revolted by them because they were males. Most of the males either beat me, touched me or treated me in a negative manner. The only males who I felt safe around was my brother and sometimes my father when he wasn't angry. I looked at males with a mixture of excitement and hatred. At this time, I did not know that some males could have good souls. I was a child and children call them as they see them.

I played with my cousins in the woods, in the yard and would visit with them at my aunt's house. We watched horror movies together and fought each other quite frequently. Over the course of 1981 and 1982, I learned to loved them and learn that not everyone wanted to treat me in an inferior manner. In fact, I developed a crush on Jake and loved it when he would hug me and ride four wheelers with me. The feel of my body against his was nice. I wasn't being molested by George, I was equal...I felt in control of my emotions. It was something new to me.

One of our favorite games was to throw green apples over my aunt's house. One of us would stand in the back yard while the other one would stand in the front. The third one would stand watch until my aunt came outside to see what was going on. The apples would thump thump across the roof and we would catch them and throw them back. She  would become angry and make us go inside. I know it was mischevious, but it was fun.

1982

I started hiding from George sometime in the year of 1982. I would hide in comforting places like behind my grandmother's huge chair in her room. I would hide in the woods at times when mom and dad were not looking. I would watch George go inside the house then watch him come back out and look around. He searched the entire yard looking for me. Then he would walk, or more so, shamble up the road back to his house. I would come back into the yard and sit on the porch. I felt a sudden wave of relief knowing that I did not have to meet his demands that day.

 As time went on, I felt more and more disgust at what George did with me. Over time, I managed to avoid him several times within a week. I cherished those days, it was as if I had won a battle with something. But I knew that it was going to get harder to do as George started to figure out that he was being rejected. I remember the day so clearly that George figured out that he was being rejected. One day, George came back down the road only minutes after I had returned from hiding. He saw me and started walking faster. I remember my shoes scrambling backward up the front steps and my grandmother asking me something through the screen door. I couldn't make out what she was saying but I knew she had seen me stumble. I ran inside and went to my grandmother's room. Grabbing a blanket, I coverd myself from head to toe and waited quietly in hopes that he would get tired of me and decide to go home. I thought I had locked my grandmother's bedroom door and was being very quiet....but nothing could stop him from finding me.

I heard the door when it creaked, I heard the steps grow closer to my huddled mass and then I heard his breathing. George was a mouth breather, He was the kind of guy that seemed to be standing right over you at all times until you ran away, screamed or just sat revolted...frozen.

He lifted the blanket and looked at me. Then he spoke two words. Laying one finger against his lips he spoke.                                   

"Don't tell."

Then he pulled my roughly from under my covers.othing could stop him from finding me.

I heard the door when it creaked, I heard the steps grow closer to my huddled mass and then I heard his breathing. George was a mouth breather, He was the kind of guy that seemed to be standing right over you at all times until you ran away, screamed or just sat revolted...frozen.

He lifted the blanket and looked at me. Then he spoke two words. Laying one finger against his lips he spoke.                                  

"Don't tell."

Then he pulled my roughly from under my covers.