17

My school life at this point was odd. I never really gained any popularity and the second grade was much like the first. The  segregation of students into little groups became the norm.. I was always fascinated by the way that certain people would group together and reject others from their tight knit circles. This was something that I would struggle to understand for most of my life, considering that adults are not that much different.

There were boys that I found interesting in school but most of them saw me as strange and would stay away from me for the most part. One of them, a very tall boy with blonde hair, caught my eye. At this point in my life, I had already tasted rejection and was terrified by it. I wanted to let the boy know that I was interested in him but I had no idea how to accomplish the feat. I wanted him to speak to me first, helping me to break that horrified wall that  surrounded me. I had no idea how to make my feelings known and was so scared of the rejection and how it would probably happen to me. NO one really saw me as attractive except my cousin George.

 Without warning, he was looking at me and apparently interested in me as well. I panicked and stood staring in disbelief. I remember the feel of the dry brick as I picked it up. I held the brick high and gave the boy a mean look. My feelings were so strong that they turned into an odd form of anger and irritation. How dare him put me in this position, how dare he make me feel this way. I was so frightened by his smile that I launched the brick at him, missing him by only inches. He dodged the weapon and turned to look at me. At first he looked angry then he smiled. I ran away.

Another boy that I found interesting was playing in the playground with his friends one day. I decided to gather the courage to go up to him and say hello. My heart was beating so hard that I thought it would leap out and say hello first....or run away again. It seemed forever as I walked up to him. When I finally got to his group of friends, I smiled at them and said hello. The boy that I was fixated on, turned to me and frowned. He didn't seem so nice and it made me back up a few steps. He started to walk towards me and he spoke.


"Go away." he spoke loudly and shook his head.

I wanted to be brave and so I walked toward him. Before I could understand what was happening, he ran  and shoved me to the ground. The wind was knocked out of me and my hair went all into my face. I felt him climbing on top of me and holding me down. I reached up pleading with him, not understanding why he was doing this thing. I grasped upward taking hold of his crotch because I thought it would give me leverage to get back up. I felt fists hitting the top of my head over and over. He was beating me up. I screamed and grasped harder but he just hit me harder than before. I looked up without thinking to maybe catch his eye and ask him to stop but I caught several fists in the face. By that time, the teacher had pulled him off me. I lay in the dirt until I was lifted and carried inside. By the time I came to my senses, something else was inside. I felt cold and hard, I felt numb....I was shocked but not angry at all. I sat for a long period of time, staring at the wall why the nurses mouth moved in front of me. I could not hear her and just looked at her like she was some alien. My head tilted to the side and then all of a sudden I could hear her. She was asking me if I was okay. I had few words and none could express how I felt. I sat and listened to her talk and I made no response.

There was one boy who was good to me and I have fleeting memories of him. I can remember that his name was Clay and he was plump and round and like a teddy bear. I would watch him play on the playground and he was often by himself. He would talk to himself and point his fingers at the air making shooting sounds. I would laugh as I looked from behind a tree. I wanted to talk to him and day after day, I crept closer. He saw me and smiled but continued to play. ONe day, I walked up to him and said hello. He smiled at me and said hello as well. I was instantly happy, happy as a child should be. I felt welcome and wanted. I sat down in the dirt with him and listened to him talk about being a cowboy. One day he kissed me on the cheek and sang a song to me. It was "Home on the Range." I never forgot him. When he moved, I was very sad and lonely again.

One of the other boys, Jernigan, dared me to eat dirt one day. I thought that dirt looked easy enough to eat so I ate some. I remember pulling my dress up in front of all the boys just so I could use the material to wipe the horrible horrible dirt from my mouth. When they laughed at me, I turned and punched Jernigan in the mouth. The bell rang before he could catch me.