28

1987
At all costs, I kept him away from me. I decided that he would never touch me again, no matter how hard it was to keep him at bay. When I was alone, I would never let him into the house. When my parents were home, I would always stay with my mother or father, never leaving their side for long. I started going to basketball games with my father to avoid being at home at night. The time spent with my father seem to make the time go by so that all I had to do when I got home was go to bed. My dreams improved the more that I avoided death. My dreams were odd but peaceful without the influence of George. My mother would come into my room at night and kiss my cheek. She would watch me as I lay so still in the night. She thought I was sleeping but I knew she was there. Her love for me was evident and so very strong. She knew in her heart that something tormented me but she knew not what.

1987 winter
I joined the basketball team because my father told me to. I didn't go against my father's wishes because he was my father. I didn't want his wraith upon me. His wraith was heavy. I didn't go against my father's wishes for another reason as well. I wanted to get away from death.  I tried my best to keep up with the other girls and even played a game or two after school. I couldn't run for long before getting extremely tired and losing my breath. I didn't know why but I was no good at basketball. My father seemed very disapointed but he pushed me anyway. I could feel his intense stare from the bleachers as he yelled and screamed for my team. Of course I was on the b team and that was not as good as the a team to begin with. I felt his disappointment when we returned home and he told me that I should try harder. He had no understanding for the fact that i just couldn't run as fast or go as long as the other kids. To him, I was just not good enough or just didn't want to try at all. But I reserved a certain contenment in the fact that I was away from home and I was away from George. I had to accept one pain for the other. In order to keep him from touching me, I apparently had to cause more dissapointment from my father. I knew I couldn't win but I knew I could feel safe from one abuse by indulging in  another.

So much is blurred between then and now, it seems. I know that I fell in love periodically with different boys and different girls. The girls never responded but the boys did. I was still protective of my virginity and would only go so far, thus ending the lust and infatuation.

I remember seeing one redhead that resemble Archie from the comic book and several black guys, one who wanted badly to be Prince. Nothing went very far because of my virtues with sexuality. I was so frightened of my father and scared as well of the boys. I had a sense of wanting to keep control of my body and was afraid of lending it out, so to speak.

Of course I would make out and get felt up, that was no problem, it was just something about crossing a boundary which to think of it now kind of puts me in the mind of losing your sanity. It seems that the loss of virginity is akin to the blurring and the loss of that line which takes away control. Of course I overthink and thought most things in that manner.

The one I liked the most was a guy named Timmy, even though his requirements to love was very degrading and hurtful. But how many choices did I have considering I was an unpopular virgin who was ...by the way, nuts.

Winter
1988
The night was always beautiful to me. I loved to leave the house and wander round. And the night was so much more, horrible and stark bare in its pure evil. I never really had a plan, I would just walk through the garden and talk to myself and to whoever had the urge to listen. Sometimes I might get scared but not very often. I found myself, at times, when fear would assault me, to stare defiantly into the darkness and threaten the unknown.
"Come on...I mean it, come on. What, exactly can you do? I want to know, show me. The pain you inflict can be nothing...nothing."
The rants were different from time to time when I would walk at night. But they revolved around an invitation, a strong will and rebelious fighting spirit. Inside I invited them to end my torment, whoever and whatever stalked the night. By the end of my rant, i found my face awash in tears and my lips quivering. I wanted to battle fear in the most horriying way. Not in strength of prayer, but to invite the thing which rambled and shambled on the edge of darkness to take a bite of me...and then to allow me to show it my sharp teeth as well.

1988
Spring
I was kicked off the basketball team because I was just no good. I accepted this and was happy, to be honest. I never really liked the sport nor did I hate it. I was just very indifferent to it. All the popular girls were on the A team and made fun of us girls on the B team anyway. I was just happy to draw attention away from me for a while.
The skinny girl was holding short conversations with me lately and I looked forward to them. We talked of things just on the surface of abnormal. I watched what I said to her in fear of her judgement. The more we talked the deeper I dug into the real me, finally telling her things that made her look astonished. Then, in return, she would take out some secret little dark tidbit and share it with me. I would look astonished as a joke and it would make her laugh. AFter a while, she initiated conversation with me. Then, when we were both very comfortable, we would take our school breaks together and talk about other students. WE watched them and made jokes. We saw their lips moving from a distance, not knowing what words were coming out and we would provide new words for the ones we could not hear. IT was hilarious to us, we pretended that the others were puppets and they were controlled by our every whim.
We wrote songs and drew pictures and climbed deeper into a world all our own. This was a world that only we could open, explore and feel safe in. They started to notice us and stare. We could see them whisper and make disgusted faces as they looked at us.
We hated them, you know. We hated them so much that would would talk about killing them. And it was fucking hilarious.