27

A new level of hell

Fall
1986

For a moment, a short moment, I felt hope. I felt that somewhere someone might give me a chance to feel normal. I watched the skinny girl, with glasses and short curly hair as she twirled her hair and I thought about being normal. Was she abnormal and disgusting like I was or was this the hidden secret of being normal. What was normal?

Was it normal for him to touch me?

He stole things from my house too. One day I saw him drinking out of the cola bottle. He was just standing there chugging soda for a long period and then turned to me smiling. I ran of course. I tried to avoid him but fate had place me in the kitchen door as he pulled the bottle to his nasty lips and started to drink. I never even knew he was in the house until it was too late. Even after I locked the bathroom door behind me, I could still hear him drinking the soda. Then he burped. After a few minutes I heard him breathing from the other side of the door.  So I waited until he left the house, then quietly moved outside bathroom and into my room where I locked that door as well.

I thought about Karen, the skinny girl again and wondered if her home life was better than mine. I wondered if he father got angry at her and beat her. There were so many things which passed through my mind and turned into blocks of colorful sorrow and regret. These thoughts floated passed my eyelids as I slept at night and created dreams.

Then death would speak softly into my ear and caress my cheek. I could feel death sittin gon my chest staring down into my face. I could feel his breath on my lips. I would open my eyes and see nothing but the light from the hallway.

Underneath the covers, my pajamas were wet again. I had soiled myself throughout the night. Someties this happened, not often, but sometimes I just couldn't contain the hell inside.