54

01/07/1993




I returned to M town today. After spending a little while at my aunts, I went to Tucker street in Midtown. I had been away from Gina for too long, and I needed to tell her what happened on my holiday.



I arrived at the apartments and heard Shanal, Gina's roomate, screaming from within. Her voice was so loud and demandning that I could hear exactly what she was saying as I walked across the parking lot. I felt nervous.



Shanel opened the door, puffing on a cigarette and holding another crumpled in her right hand. "What the fuck?", she garbled before she recognized me. Her dark brown curly hair lay long and luxurious across her shoulders and her big brown eyes softened on realization of who I was.



"Hey Shanal is Gina here?" I spoke taken aback by Shanal's aggressive behavior.



Shanal stepped back and smiled. "She is in her room. Where have you been?"



I hugged Shanal and put up my finger to let her know I needed to talk to Gina a little first.



When I entered her room, she was lying on her mattress smoking a cigarette as well.. So many cigarettes.



She smiled a huge smile and reached for me. "ummmm my Sherrie pie." she exclaimed and pulled me down beside her. "I missed you."



1/08/1993



I spent the night with Gina. It was always pretty simple to get away with that. I just called my aunt and told her I was with Shanal.



During the morning, Gina and I went through an emotional discussion. I told her about Matt's death and she told me about her vacation.



At the moment, I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that she spent several days with another lesbian named Kim. Apparently they had just watched some movies, one being Howard's End, and hung out together as friends. So why was I having such a hard time believing what she told me? We had a fight and I left early.



1/15/1993



My relationship is on and off now with Gina . Something happened after out first fight...the one about Kim. Ever since that day, it has been different. some days we cannot stand each other and some days we are passionately in love again. I showed her the letters and that didn't help either. I really do not know what to do. Gina is running out of money and she may have to return home soon. I bought her a guitar the other day. It was a Fender Stratacaster, a cream one, just like the one Jimi Hendrix used. She loved it, but I know better, money, things...cannot buy you love.



1/29/1993



I had trouble walking a flight of stairs the other day. My aunt took me to the clinic to see if something was wrong. They ran an EKG to check my heart. I have a heart murmur. The doctor told me that it sounds like a butterfly when my heart beats, that it doesn't really beat at all...it just swishes. He said I will be okay for now and no medication is needed. I just couldn't over exert myself. Of course my aunt was way too concerned for me. After my appointment with the heart doctor, I went to my regular therapy session. Trudy, my therapist, gives me peach Jolly Ranchers. They are my favorite and you know what, they help me to open up to her.