40

Walking with I -man.



July



1992



All life was in a haze…everything surrounding me was surreal. The birds, they were but paper airplanes, the trees were only distractions built to take our eyes off the blue sky and its seemingly limitless bounds and the people were zombies…yes, of course they were.



I closed my history book and stared into the woods to the left side of the little dirt road. I could hear something running in the brush, chasing its dinner maybe…a cat?

A whisp of wind sent a baby tornado across from the mailbox and rustled the wild strawberry. I exhaled all the pointless air from my lunges and swallow another country dirty breath. Everything was dirty and yet oddly clean and crisp.



I waited here in my long white gown, waiting for the angel with the gray eyes to come and keep company with me tonight. I had a bad feeling…no, an awkward one.



same night in July



1992



“What’s wrong?”



Nasha put her hand on her face covering her eyes. She began to sob.



“I don’t know…I just can’t concentrate,distracted.” Nasha pulled her hand down and looked at me. Her eyes were shining with tears.



I was such an impatient soul. I felt a panicking sensation spread up my body and into my throat. “Am I doing something wrong…I mean, does it not feel good?”



Nasha nodded and put her hand on my face. She raised up upon one elbow and placed her lips on mine. “Hey, I love you, Sherrie.” Her naked body was so near to mine that I could feel her heat radiating. “But,I feel bad about this. Matt, he doesn’t know and I feel so bad.”



I pretended to care but I didn’t, besides, it could have been her or her boyfriend in bed with me. It was all the same to me. I know how evil that seemed as I thought it, but it was the truth. Exactly who had those revelations anyway?



“Nasha, I..I can’t bear it.” I began to cry as well. I found it easy to cry when being rejected. At that point in my life, I had not yet understood why I felt so rejected…but I felt tossed aside. I felt the only way to win was to be as miserable without her affection as she was committing such a sin. And it is about winning, isn’t it…control?


Tysha reached to hold me and to help me to understand but I jumped from the bed and began to dress. When fully dressed, I swung open the door and went into my brother’s room. She followed me(dressed of course).



“Sherrie, don’t be mad at me, please. I am just confused.” Tysha pleaded for my understanding.



“No, leave me alone.” I drew further and further into my ball I created by wrapping both my arms around my head. I could hear her talking to my brother while watching some television show. I sunk into my dark little world of selfishness and loss of reason. Her scent grew stronger in my nostrils and so I held my nose to further push her from existence. If she wouldn’t give in then I would put her from here.



Before long she was rubbing my head and begging me to look at the show that was playing. Then she pulled my hand free and led me away and back to my room.



There she undressed again and gave herself to me.



August



1992



“But Matt, I do not understand what you are saying.” I leaned in and took in his musky scent again, then caressed one long brown lock.



“I, Man…capable of anything, I can have what I want by speaking one word of desire for that thing. I, man have the spirit or ghost of a man inside…another man. The man I speak of is more than a man, he is a god…and so are we.” Matt smiled assured of himself.



His words made my head spin but I loved the comforting sound of his deep voice. I curled up beside him and lay my head on his shoulder. “tell me more…please”



“Then there are these other ‘religions’, god I hate that word, that consider themselves ‘the one’. By this, I mean, they consider their ways to be right ways, their laws to be the only considerations and their punishments are to them duly given for the sin that was commited. The thing that is most unfortunate is the fact that we….or I, as man would speak of what sin is. we have completely erased the person relationship that we have for the man within. and we have given full authority to the man without.”



I smiled and looked up into his brown slanted eyes. “can I kiss you?”



Matt laughed and smiled back at me. “Only, and I say only if you let me show you…*pointed his finger at my chest*..the man within and what he can take from all..*waves both arms*..spiritualities.



I tilted my head and placed a sweet kiss on his high cheekbone. He responded with an mmm.



Matt’s eyes grew wide. “Let me show you something.” He stood and walked across the room. “ONe of the most beautiful goddesses of the ‘Voodoo’ religion, for example, is Erzulie. I have a book on this beautiful and passionate spirit.”



I sat up straight as Matt reached into his bookshelf and brought out a small ragged book and flipped through several pages. Walking to me, he lay the book into my lap. “See here, this is how you invoke her.”



The first symbol that I saw upon the stained page, was the symbol of a spiral and then I saw the hearts. I ran my finger over the page and sucked in a quick breath.



“But I thought you were Rastafarian, Matt.”



He smiled and chuckled. ” I am many things, everything and yet I am nothing. That is another prism of human spirituality. Bet you won’t find that one in that voodoo book either. My dear, stop trying to put yourself in a box. Take from things and build. Refuse followers and follow many…but only to take what you need before you leave that path as well. Make your own road, my dear an lay their ‘religious’ bodies down as your cobblestones.”



I jumped up and ran to him. Throwing my arms around him, I kissed him again. I just couldn’t help it, my head was still spinning.