33

1990-1991.



1990-winter



I saw Timmy today. He has a new friend, she is beautiful. I could feel the fires of jealousy push up into my throat but I tried to ignore it. I didn’t know her but I tried to hate her, simply because this was the raw feeling that I was having. I guess some part of me still loved him.



The more I saw them together, the more curious I was about her. Her hair was long with golden tresses woven throughout the brown. Her eyes were gray…the most whispy glittering gray I had ever seen. I would make excuses to talk to her and just stare into those icey eyes. My hatred for her through jealousy sparked something more. I think it was just my curiosity that I could not deny.



My lust for Timothy grew stronger as my interest in the girl grew as well. Her name was Nasha. I knew I would know her. I made it my quest. To learn, to stalk and to know her.



1990-winter



Kathy, my best friend at the time, was always there for me. I loved how we always sang together on break at school. It was usually Soundgarden or Guns and Roses that got us caught up in air guitar and our maniacal squealing. She got close to me, and I am not sure how. I was always mean to her before we became friends. But she was someone that I wanted to talk to..share the demons with.



A couple days ago, I told her about the abuse. Not what my father did to me, but the sexual abuse committed by my cousin. I had been in a strange denial for years but something within Kathy had drawn the filth from my soul and into the light. We lay on the levee for hours and talked about things that we never talked about any where else. We climbed through her window at night and walked for miles to the water tower. There we climbed up and shared the darkness with each other.



I tried to kiss her once but she pushed me away.



Spring 1991



I kept trying to talk to Nasha but I notice how withdrawn she is. But one day, I got her attention. I was reading Interview with the Vampire when she was leaving class. Just outside the Biology building, I was deeply devouring each word of my first Anne Rice novel when she saw me. It was as if I was her favorite person in the whole world. She ran up and looked underneath my gaze



“OH my god…what are you reading?”



I looked up into her gray eyes and smiled.



“It’s just a book…see.”



She sat beside me and licked her lips. Then she pulled my book from my hands and read the title. Her smile was inticing and I wanted to kiss it. Honestly, my first thought was to hold her face in my hands. She was beautiful.



“Can I read this when you finish?” she asked and smiled at me.



sure…