And would you heal me, oh dearly departed one?

Who am I and who is she...so mixed, so intertwined and yet so clearly defined. And who indeed is death's friend and who walks with death as his foe, talking, debating and discussing against one another in the wastelands of my mind.

And who are you....are there more and will they come to join my chaotic throng of madness until I am drawn thin and ready for death and his final words?

And yet...in all this horrible weaving and flowing of strange words, dark words....

I still hear your laughter

I hear you giggling as if everything is full of glee.

135

2007

Winter

Venum came home just before Christmas and landed a job at Piper. Our Pastor was the Safety Manager there and so it seemed like a cinch. It was odd with him back home and having to answer to someone again. I struggled more with keeping Spirit contained and out of trouble. I did notice, however, that Venum was still very secretive and was still staying out after he would get off work. Several times when he was gone, my phone would ring and when I picked it up, they would hang up. I knew Melissa had my number again but wondered how. I had changed our home number at least three times since she started to become so crazy.

I asked Venum about her some time after he returned from training and he just denied ever having any relations with her at all. I was stunned at how he still denied it...but I dropped it for now.


2007

Winter

Damian was in his last year of elementary school and he was very excited about growing up. I started to picture him growing up and moving away and it was just too much for me and so I pushed the thought away for the time being. Dorian was in head start and Devon had one more year to be home with momma, in fact; Devon was in line to be going to head start in the next school year.

Venum started talking about me getting a job and I really wasn't happy about it. I wanted to work for myself so badly that I couldn't stand it. There were many reasons why I wanted to stay home. One reason was quickly disappearing and that reason was because I wanted to raise my babies....i had accomplished that and they were leaving for school. Another reason was because for years I had worked off and on to help with the bills only to have Venum spend his money on drugs, alcohol, toys and women. I was disgusted by this and it made me stubborn. The other reason was because Iknew I was different and sometimes, I had problems with dealing with 'normal' people...and not to mention, the pure joy and freedom that I got when staying at home. And so we disagreed about it all. In the end, he won...as he usually did and I started looking for a job.


2008

Spring

I met one of my best friends and her name was Angel. I knew he from the neighborhood in passing and from the grocery store. But one day, she came to my house to ask if her son could play with mine and so we started to talk. Venum was there and he met her too. She seemed like a good person and so I invited her to come hang out with me sometime. I told her that I was looking for a job and that I might not always be around to hang out with her during the day and so we might as well get to know each other now...and we did.

Angel had car trouble one day and Venum stopped and helped her get her car started. He told me that she was so excited that she hugged him and she didn't even really know him. At the time, I thought it was cute.

I learned things about Angel...private things that kind of shocked me. I heard that she and her husband had an open marriage. I told her in so many ways that I wasn't interested. There was more than one reason why I wasn't interested in having an adventure with them. Although, I must add, she never really formally asked me to anyway. One reason was because I did not trust Venum with women at all  at this point. Another reason was because I was just not interested at the time and I was confused about love and life. I was still very fixated on Gavin and nothing else could take his place in my mind.

And so, me and Angel talked of other things as I got used to the facts of what she told me. I wanted to be her friend no matter who or what she was and so I did that.


2008

Spring.

I met Darla and she was sweet. But I just met her, and at first...she was just an aquaintance. After a while, I got to know her better and then I met her sister in law, Tracey. I noticed that Darla seemed to talk to Gavin lots and she smiled at him too. It became apparent that she liked him and maybe even as I liked him. Thing was, Darla was just 19 and much more suited to Gavin than I was. At this time, I was 33, Gavin was 23 and she was 19. The math showed the simple solution in age...you would think. But I just couldn't put him out of my mind. I decided then and there that the only way I would be able to stop wanting Gavin was to write about him.


2008

I started something and it was odd. I decided to create the story of Spirit, the Dark Faerie... And so I did. Spirit was born to fairy parents, or so the story went. She was born but she was very sick and so the fairies didn't want her. One night....the fairies crept up to a small farm house where a couple, a son and a newborn daughter were sleeping. The fairies, they snuck into the window of the nursery and switched Spirit(the sick fairy baby) with the human child. The little boy, who was seven(my brother Allen) he witnessed the whole thing and that is why he always hated Spirit. Little did he know, but when he was an infant, he was switched with a demon...which is much more controversial. Because of such demented children, the parents would go mad and the youngsters would run away into the forest and create a normal life in their heads before returning to society. Spirit would become a college professor while Allen and his dark demon half...would become quite famous in the world of Horror and Sci fi. This was my story and yet there was more. When the young man(Gavin) would register for college...little did he know, he would be taking one of Ms. Kimana's(Spirit, the dark faeries) classes and they would fall deeply in love.

This was my plan to get rid of Gavin. I would write him away until at the end of the story...he would die to save Spirit from the evil faeries. Then in real life, Gavin would never know about her love for him...and she would be free from the agonizing reality of never being with him.
Seemed like a plan....but nothing ever really goes according to plan, does it.


2008

Spring

I wrote and wrote and wrote and the more I wrote, the less I cared about what Venum was doing. I would read parts of my story to Damian to see if the magical parts would make him smile. He seemed to love the story but I would stop just short of anything disturbing. I wrote first in pen and then I got high speed internet. At fist, I never really used the internet...I only used the documents to created my chapters on my book. I rewrote and rewrote the story until I thought I had it in full. I then let my brother read it who said that it really needed a lot of work and sounded kinda childish. So I wrote it again. I had manuscripts all over the place, stuck in the book shelf, in duffle bags, in boxes and then finally I started to rip up old manuscripts and rely on two forms of the story only. Then, when I was confident...i told Angel about GAvin...bit by bit...I told her. I think it was the first time I realized that I could trust her. Then I told Angel about the story and she seemed to really enjoy the whole idea.
I never really realized that with every moment that I created the story, Spirit took a breath. She grew stronger and stronger with every line and every edit. I had no idea what I was doing. Thing is...I never even realized where the whole idea came from. But one night, in a dream...she came to me.


2008

The Spirit dream

I was sitting in the darkness where I love to sit and just be with me. It was quiet there at first, just like it was most of the time. I dreamed now on many occasions where I am sitting in the darkness touching my face and smiling. I am knowing myself without the influence of anything, or anyone. I am alone.

But then I hear a voice, a distant voice and it is a sound and pitch that I had forgotten some time ago. I listen intently as the voice grows nearer to me...and then I see a small light growing. And then there is a face, a small freckled face framed by the reddest hair...and imprinted with green green eyes. She smiles and I know her...Anna. She comes and sits with me putting the candle at our feet. She reaches over and caressed my face and then she looks sad. I speak to her.

"I am so sorry for what happened to you, Anna." I frown and I know that because I feel it.

She smiles again "No need for sorrys, I am here to help you. I was gone for way too long and death is no excuse."

I tilt my head in wonder at her beautiful voice "But death cannot be helped, Anna. It is not your fault."

She laughs and the sound tickles my ears. It is not like Spirit's laugh but it is innocent and beautiful. "I am here to balance you.....and her. You are headed for disaster if you do not control her...she is dangerous...deadly, I might even venture to say."

When Anna spoke those words I feel fear...fear of something near to us. "She is here, Anna...I feel her."

"Yes, she is and she loves you because she is you. I am not saying that you should punish her at all. She deserves her freedom and she deserves everything that she desires...because she is simply you...uninhibited by anything...anything at all." Anna pauses then rethinks her statement. "She deserves everything but....true freedom can be very dangerous unless you know how to balance. I am here for that. I am your logic, your reason."

I frowned again and yes, I felt it crack across my face and knew it for the negative feeling it gave.

"But Anna, if Spirit is freedom and you are logic...then what am I...what is Sherrie?"

A tear descended from Anna's cheek and hit her breast which was speckled all over with freckles. She looked very sad. "Oh...my dear, Sherrie is unhealed pain....horrendous pain. Sherrie cannot filter the pain through...  pain and darkness...she is also unihibited...but if left with her own devices...Sherrie will soon end her suffering. sherrie is truth, stark and bitter truth of her insanity, madness and torture. Sherrie forgets nothing,  nothing especially herself. She is quiet and timid giving everythign of herself to benefit others but she is punishment, she is hurting and pulsating fear...this is Sherrie." Anna looks around at the darkness surrounding her and looks back at me. "Sherrie is here, you are her and Sherrie is hearing this with her physical soul. Sherrie is the little girl who died so long ago in the arms of death and so lives again through death...do you remember Death, Sherrie?"

At that moment, memories flashed through my head of broken dolls and little bottles of poison, Cami's face as I was choking her and my parent's death as a dark figure stood just at their bedside. I gasped and my breath came fast and in spurts. "I...I ...I know death...I sent him away."

Anna smiled a sad smile and then she said..."No, he dug a hole inside you...there..." she poked my chest just where my heart would be. " he dug a hole and then he climbed right in. Death walks with you and you walk with death."

At that moment, the words of Rides Lightning came to me of Spirit's meaning. "Spiritwalker, walks among the dead."

That moment...that is when I heard the other laughter. It was her laughter and it was mocking yet very comforting at the same time. I heard Spirit laugh at me because she was free...

And maybe, just maybe she wasn't the one we had to worry about.
......................
I woke and I started to write...not just about Spirit and her story...but I wrote everything. I took a notebook and filled it with various thoughts and random shit. I wrote from front to back and on the cover itself. Then I found another notebook. I wrote until my fingers cramped and swoll. I waited a while, fed my children, watched television a bit and then I wrote again. By the end of the day, there were several files on my computer filled with writings...notebooks stacked on the chair filled with scribbles....some pure nonesense and some revelations. I wrote it out and that night, I lay awake, things rushing through my head...I just could not sleep. The light from the bathroom reminded me of Anna. I spoke to her just to see what would happen. Inside my head, I heard a small still voice.
"Yes, I am here."
............
And then there were three.

134

2007

Late summer

Me and the boys and my aunt as well; we all went to Kentucky at Fort Knox to see Venum graduate from basic training. It was a long trip and the kids were ill and tired most of the way. When I didn't drive, I sat in the passenger seat and listened to my ipod. After about 6 hours or so, we were at Fort Knox and was able to settle in for graduation.

The ceremony was beautiful and the auditorium was so crowded that I had to stand behind many rows of soldier's families just to get inside the building. I held the video camera above my head and angled the screen down toward my eyes so that I could see what was in front of the rows of people. I ended up getting a fairly good video of what was going on but not as good as I should have gotten. I think we were late getting to the graduation hall.

They did not allow us to spend much time with Venum before they send him back to his barracks. We were allowed to eat lunch with him and talk but we didn't even have the opportunity to spend the night with him until we had to get ready to go back home. After basic training was over, they would be sending him to Maryland, near Baltimore, to AIT training for an additional 3 months. It would be some time before the family was reunited.


2007

Venum was in AIT for a month and then he decided that I should come and visit. I was at once very frightened by the idea. Going to Maryland would require an airplane ride, not to mention two trips in the air. At once, I started to argue with Venum about making the trip. But he was adamant about the whole thing. He said he really needed to see me and he needed some sexual relief. This made me blush and I was instantly more willing to make the trip.

I started searching for cheap airfair online and found a very affordable price through one of the online travel sites. I told Venum while making the plans about all the money that I had to spend to get caught up with the bills. He seemed to think everything was okay but I could sense some resentment. I went ahead and scheduled the flight and dropped the subject for mow. I would be leavin in 2 weeks to fly to Maryland to see my soldier.


2007

I was going alone and I had found a cheuffer to drive me around when I got to Maryland. He seemed quite expensive but I was told to use whatever money I needed to use to get to Venum....Venum's words exactly. During the next week, the week of my birthday, I had decided to get my back peirced. I knew that Venum had seen several pictures of exotic peircings and he had commented on how sexy they were. I thought I would be a pleasant surprise if I got my back peirced before my trip to Maryland. I made plans to go to the tattoo shop with my brother and get the job done.

 Before Venum had left for basic training, we had gotten a new puppy and now the puppy had grown so very big. The night that I went for the peircing, I left Mix (our half wolf half siberian Labrador) outside to roam around. I guess that was a bad idea because of what was to happen.

I left for my peircing the afternoon of my birthday and was lying on the gurney by 6 oclock. I lay still while the artist shoved a needle the size of a crochet needle through one piece of skin and out the other side of the folder meat. I felt it...raw and sharp with pain. The first two peircings were okay and I could handle the pain but the last two were smart...hurting much worse than the first ones. I lay there and waited for the last one to happen and then it was on me. With this last one, I came up off that gurney and arched my back in pain. But no matter how bad it hurt, I would not yelp, I would not cry and I would not whimper. Instantly, i thought of the nurse in the abortion clinic and how she had told me to shut up. She had said that this was what I wanted so why should I cry. It made sense and so I pushed myself back down and relaxed. I felt the blood pour down each side of my body and pool on the gurney. I smiled.

After the job was done, they bandaged me up and sent me on my way. Me and my brother talked about all sorts of things as we road back to my house. The kids had gone to my aunts for the week and were to stay there until I got back from Maryland. It was just me and my brother and we were talking about spending the rest of the night roaming the back roads and taking pictures of old cemetaries in the area. When we pulled in my driveway, we changed our mind about the whole night's plans. Mix lay dead at the edge of the road. Apparently, she had been hit by a car while I let her roam the yard.


My birthday

2007

I had to call Venum and tell him of Mix's death. While I was talking to him, I started to cry and then I fainted. We had become very attached to that dog just as all the other pets that we once had. He told me to get myself together and go find someone to bury her.

I got off the phone and looked at my brother. He gave me a strange look because he knew why I was looking at him. We were to dig a huge grave that night and he realized suddenly what a job lay ahead of him. And so we went outside to find a shovel.

The ground was hard, it was cold then...colder than usual for that time of year and the moon was huge and full. It was a really creepy night. We found a pick ax and a shovel and we started working on the hard ground with our tools. Before long, we had just a shallow hole and we were out of breath. I looked down and saw blood dripping from my wrist and onto the ground.

"damnit"

My brother looked up at me with his dark eyes. "what...what is it?"

I smiled a crimson smile and my burgundy hair fell into my eyes. My dark eyes must have glimmered in that moon light...I felt Spirit very near. "I am bleeding again."

I held up one arm clad in my black jacket and I let the red drop hit the dirt.  Then I stopped digging and pulled off my jacket. The blood had soaked through my shirt and was running down my arms.
"Seems as though they clipped both my wings, huh?" I laughed at my brother and he just sneered.
"You need something done with that. It will get infected." he grumbled and then his ebony hair fell in his eyes as well. For a moment, I saw his other smiling and then suddenly it disappeared. I never really knew his other because he always suffocated it for no one to see.

"We have to dig this grave first...then we can tend to my wounds...deal"

he shook his head and then continued to dig.

My neighbor, a former wrestler, saw what we were doing and wandered over to help us. With us three, we had the hole dug in no time and lifted Mix to her resting place. We covered her and then shed a few tears. Then, I knew it...I had to clean my wounds...inside and out.


My birthday

2007

My brother worked at the hospital as a Radiology Tech and he got me in through the back entrance. We found the supply room and found a nurse who didn't talk too much. The nurse cleaned me up and I was good as new. We went back to my house and watched movies until we fell asleep. It took a few days for me to get used to the peircings and their pain.


2007

Winter

My brother drove me to Nashville to catch my flight because leaving from Nashville is 200 dollars cheaper than leaving from Memphis...no joke!

I left for Maryland on a plane and I was terrified. The moment the plane took off, I was scared and I was watching everyones reactions to the flight. There were women in the seats across from me and they were crying..this upset me more. I was never happier when my plane landed in Maryland. But then what was I to do. I wasn't to meet my cheuffer until the next morning and I had nowhere to stay for the night. I caught a shuttle to College Park, which was right outside Maryland and when the shuttle stopped, I eyed a hotel. There was a vacancy there and so I snagged it quickly. I was on my own and it was frightning in ways. I landed a nice stay that night in College Park. The hotel had a bar and restaurant and so I got dressed up and went downstairs to enjoy a drink. Spirit was pushing and pushing to get out and start some mischevious adventure but I told her no. I told her that it was too dangerous and she might bite off more than she could chew. She only half way listened because I skipped to the elevator and then skipped to the bar. I swung around the bar seat and ordered a Margarita. Some guys were playing pool in the corner adn they kept trying to talk to me. I pinched the underbelly of my arm to keep Spirit at bay. She gripped that bar so hard and she bit my lip in retaliation. She wante to play...she wanted to own and she wanted to be free. I sat there for a while and one of the guys came to sit with me. He talked and talked about things that I just cannot remember. I just remember spirit turning to him and smiling.

"So, you wish to come  over here and talk to me...never knowing what or who I am?"

The guys reaction was strange. He frowned and then he laughed at me. "I am sorry ma'am, I didn't
introduce myself properly. My name is Adam and your name?"

I looked at him and leaned back against the man behind me whom turned in shock at my sudden touch. "I am Spirit and I know who you are. The question is...do you really know what I am?

The man frowned and looked surprised then he rebounded with a smile. "Uh...no, but you could show me."

I felt her smiling and then some girl came up to Adam and whispered into his ear. Then she punched him in the side and he yelped.

"I am sorry, uh..Spirit. I have to go now."

I smiled and finished my drink. The man behind me started to talk to me but I ignored him. I rammed my knee into the bar making an explosion of pain erupt through my knee cap. I grimaced and put my face on the bar. I had to stop her, she was ridiculous and uncontrollable. I ordered a to go box of food and retired to my room...I hobbled half the way up and cursed Spirit.

When I got to the room, I made three incisions underneath my upper arm just to remind her that she had been bad. She never bothered anyone else that night...The door remained locked and I slept the whole night through.

The next morning, I met Jobo, my cheuffer at the front entrance. From here, he was to take me to the base to pick up my soldier. We arrived mid morning and Venum got into the limosine. We left to return to College Park but to a different hotel. I thought it would be best. When we arrived, I showed Venum my peircings and he loved them. He was so turned on that he couldnt keep his hands from under my mini plaid skirt while I was checking us into our room. When we got to our room, we fucked for hours...over and over. It was hot, it was kinky and it was unusual from what we usually experienced. We had been apart and now it was   different from our mundane sex life. After the sex, we order food and watched television till morning.

The next day, we walked around the town of College Park and enjoyed the various shops and sites. We stayed drunk most of the time and we would wander the streets intoxicated. At some point, Venum's eyes became extremely irritated and he could not hold them open. We were already out on the streets, miles from our hotel; so I had to lead him like a blind man. I saw a three story beatnik coffee house and I begged for Venum to go there with me. He said I could lead him into the building and have a coffee and so I did. It was an odd sight. A red haired green eyed (i had recently started wearing green contacts) lady with a plaid mini skirt, fur boots and see thru top guiding a blind man who dressed as a thug...leading him into a coffee house filled with hippies and beatniks and listening to classic rock while drinking exotic coffee. I loved it, to be honest. I was enjoying the oddness of everything and I didn't want to go home just yet. Besides, we were already drunk and everything seemed so sureal.

The next morning, Venum had to report back to the base and I had to go home. I was very sad and i think he was too. The thing is, he never really showed as much emotion as I did so I never really knew how he felt. I would miss him so and I held his hand all the way back to the airport. We went our seperate ways I climbed aboard my flight.

The only condolences I got were from the cute man who comforted me during my turbulent flight home. It wasn't as bad as it sounded, I was really scared, i was suddenly very lonely and yes, he was attractive. After an hour or so, I was seeing the lights of the city of Memphis. IN another 30 minutes, I was standing outside the airport watching my babies waving at me from my aunt's car. I was suddenly very very glad that I was back home. I was glad I had to leave and come back. My true loves were here.

non flammable

I listen to you talk and I can taste your words in my mouth. Your eyes are as deep as mine, filled with things that have brought you here to me...things of secret and of pain. I listen to your words and I hear other words encased in the sentences you speak. It is as if there were prisons erupting from your mouth and the things within them were screaming to be freed into their destinies. I listen to you speaking and I know you every time your tongue moves behind your lips. I want to kiss you and to feel the words before they are born. I want to taste your reality as thick as the reality you hide away. I want to breathe you and to know that which you have left buried beneath the man who they would want you to be.

I want to listen and to sit still as you make me still...and they are with me...smiling, loving and embracing your presence.

The dark, the logic and the spirit....are one in your presence. I have seen you time and time again and I am never adapt at capturing you....your soul has passed in and out of my existence many times before, in many forms...surprising and enticing me.... and I would know you as the others know you

You would calm, unite and heal....

As I said ago when my souls knew the secret of you...


you keep me still...

133

2007

Spring

I remember right before Venum left for basic training and how I had to take him to Little Rock. Me and Venum's mother traveled in our car to take Venum to some sort of classses in Arkansas for a whole month. I remember spending that whole month alone and feeling a small bit of what it felt like to live alone...but it wasn't enough to really understand living alone and so It didn't really stick with me all that well. I remember when he returned, how he had to make an excuse to go see Melissa. He often made excuses to go see her, otherwise she would go mental and start blowing up his phone. I never understood how he endured her for so long.

When Venum was gone to basic, I gradually got a feel for living on my own. The first few weeks were okay and then it was hell for me. The Army did not send in Venum's money until a month after he was gone which meant that every bill was a month late. I had not made any preparations to work and so I was on my own. I had both babies that I was trying to raise and I only had Damian to help me at home.  During the first month away and without any pay it was very hard. I had a bird at the time and I had to feed my bird cereal and that killed him. I was too dumb then to know that rice killed birds; I was just trying to find something to keep him alive. I  had no money for bird food and only 5 dollars for gas. I used the 5 dollars to go to my parent's old house to stay with my brother so that we could eat. It was the summer and so school was out, that made things a little easier. I got on the computer and I started to email, I got on the phone and I called the recruiter as well and asked him why there wasn't any money in the account. Venum had assured me that there would be money in the account just a couple days after he left. The recruiter told me that I would have to wait until the first of the next month to get money. He also asked me why I didn't have access to Venum's recruiting money and I told him the truth. Venum had told me that he needed all that money and he could not give me any of it for my basic needs. He had told me that I could only use a certain amount of his pay as well when it hit the bank. I was actually given an allowance to live on. The recruiter told me that Venum had 4 thousand dollars in his recruiter account and that it was nonesense that he kept it all...but he did. And so I waited and lived off my brother until the money went into the bank.

When the money hit the bank, I had to pay double the bills and food as well. The sewage backed up and i had to pay to have the lines fixed too. I had various problems with the car and with other aspects of the house. After everything was taken care of, I was so angry and I took about 300 dollars and went shopping with a girlfriend. Sometimes when he made me half way starve, I got angry like that. Especially when he was buying computers and clothes with his recruiting bonus. I found out later that he had plenty of money and was getting fed for free as well. I have respect for soldiers, I do, but they can choose between right and wrong just like anyone else and when they are wrong, they are wrong...same as you and I....and to let a family go without...is just wrong even if the mom is a stay at home mom. You protect us and give us freedom....but you are not supposed to neglect us while putting on a face for society.


2007

I learned that I was likeable...at least to a certain point. I started to socialize a bit and when I didn't socialize, I would sit outside and read a nice book. No one yelled at me from inside...no one expected anything from me at all. It was about two months before I got the first letter from Venum and I started to wonder if I had just been alone all this time and had dreamed of him for a spell.
When the letter arrived, I saw that he was lonely. I read the letter and prepared to write back. I told him about everything that had happened after he left. I told him about what the boys were doing and how the property looked. I kept the letter peaceful and sent the return as fast as I could. EVery week, I would get two letters at least and Venum would worry if I didn't send a letter back as soon as I got the first one. He said that the only way he could keep contact was through writing  because they kept them on severe lock down most of the time. The letters started to get more beautiful the longer that we wrote and I started to soften toward Venum. I started to write in colored ink and he started to do the same. I even wrote a poem to him and he started to tell me what the stars looked like where he was. In my mind, I saw us getting closer adn it made me smile with contentment. I would wait by the mail box everyday and wonder if I was going to get a letter. AFter a while, I actually got a letter almost everyday.

Meanwhile, me and the boys became so close to one another. We would rent movies and have pizza almost every weekend. We took trips to the zoo with my aunt and my brother and tried to stay busy with good things. At night, I would jump on the trampolene and listen to my ipod and during the day, I would roam the woods and play with the things of the forest. My hair grew and grew to my waist again. I kept it trimmed to just above my ass. I stayed in the sun  and I was always very thin. I gave in and let Spirit have free reign of my body except when I would write the letters. Then I would make her be quiet and so Sherrie would talk to Venum. I was happy then, I remember it so well and yet, I do not recall very much at the same time. But I learned something valuable.

Only Sherrie was a friend to Venum. Spirit was never passionate toward him unless it was anger oriented. I do not know why exactly that this is but it centers around the fact that Venum was always very controlling. Spirit would only come around at Sherrie's rescue. If Venum tried to bring Spirit out of Sherrie, Spirit would just growl under her breath and bury her face in Sherrie's mind. Sherrie would stay there and try to be the good wife that Venum wanted.

Some are a friend of both....and they are very special indeed...they can talk to both of me and never miss a beat. While some are just a friend to one or the other, which is much more common.

But, I say that it is hard to say goodbye to a friend of both...very hard indeed...and these are usually the ones who go away.

132

2006

Summer

Venum had passed his test and he was now a member of the military. He would not be leaving for basic training until late 2006/2007 and so he decided to work as a recruiter until it was time for him to leave. The only other job that Venum had was working part time at the shop he managed. He and Cody worked together and made money as the jobs came...which wasn't very often. Meanwhile Venum would work on cars behind our house in the makeshift garage he had. I remembered doing work for Venum when I was pregnant with Devon. Once he had messed up some door jams because the paint wasn't mixed right and I had to sand off the paint while Venum was at work. I helped Venum quit often when he worked on cars to make side money. I knew how badly we needed the money and so I was willing to work in all sorts of conditions. At this point we were hurting pretty badly for money and all we had were side jobs. I wasn't working at this time because I had quit my job with the Salvation army and was staying at home with Devon. Venum was always trying to get me to go back to work but I wanted to stay at home until Devon could start kindergarten at least. He was just one year old and I was just making sure that I got to spend as much time with the kids as possible. At this time, I got to stay with both Dorian and Devon and witness a big part of their growing up. I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Another reason that I stayed at home is because I knew that If I worked, Venum would make me pay all the bills while his money went to whatever he wanted for pleasure...that was how it usually was and so I stuck with my stubborness.


2006

Summer

I also nursed Devon for a very long time. I remember going fishing and having to squeeze the milk from my breasts onto a towel that Venum had in his truck. I had gotten used to this by now and so it wasn't such a problem. When I returned home, I fed Devon and went about my business. I would miss having babies. When I was brought out of the delivery room, Venum instructed the doctor to go ahead and tie my tubes to prevent any more pregnancies. It was not exactly done with my consent and when I awoke, I was angry. It was just something that I had to deal with as time went on. I still want more babies, to be honest, but I guess it is too late for that.


2006

Fall

I dreamed of her...Melissa. I dreamed that I walked into this room with white walls and saw them standing in the corner...Venum and Melissa. As they talked I walked closer to them. Melissa turned around and she smiled at me. She spoke and I will always remember what she said to me.

"Hey, watch what I can do to him."

Melissa grabbed hold of Venum and forced her breath into his mouth. It was a creepy thing, really. I saw her face turn white and it started to spin round and round like the exorcist. A demon passed from her into Venum and he started to scream. Both their heads started to turn rapidly and they walked toward me. They wanted to give me the demon and I woke up. I woke screaming at the top of my lungs and Venum woke up too because I was screaming. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that it was after me....I never said what it was. I climbed onto the couch and pulled my feet up.  I sat there for a very long time and shivered.


2006

I never forgot Gavin because I couldn't forget him... I still saw him every Sunday. When I saw him, I loved to have him smile at me. And every time that I saw him, I realized that I was still so very smitten with him. He was simply beautiful. And why shouldn't I enjoy looking at Gavin, Venum was still seeing Melissa. Just a few days before I had asked him to stop talking to her and he told me that If I forced him to make a choice then he would probably make one that I did not like...which meant he would dump me for her. And so I left it alone and just spent my time thinking of Gavin instead. I guess my fantasy at least kept me from other drama. I even had these fantasies of him. I would dream of him kissing my with his full lips and I would dream of him taking my breast into his mouth. Oh, I had such sordid fantasies and dreams of Gavin. Even during church service, I would dream of him taking me in the bathrooms, the storage closets and even on the desks in the pastor's office. I was so bad.


2006/2007
Winter

The time had drawn near for Venum to leave for Basic training. I had mixed emotions but I sincerely loved him. I cannot say if the love was the same as before, but I knew that I wished him well and that I would miss him. I remember the day that he left and that he downloaded some music to his computer to listen to. It was a song by staind that we listened to when he left. We drove to Memphis and listened to that song, we drove to the building where Venum would be getting on the bus and we listened to that song again. We listened to that song and I cannot remember the name...but we both liked it really well. When he left that day and I watched him get on the bus with his fatigues on, I kept listening to that song over and over to remind me that I loved him...I know it sounds silly but it helped me in ways. I didn't want him to go and I did not know what I would do without him. AFter he left, I cried... and then I slept for a whole day.

131

2005

Summer

After Devon was born, neither Venum nor I had a job for at least a month. During this time, we lived off whatever he made doing body work on cars in the back of the house. Even though we didn't really have much money, Venum bought a pool and we all played in the pool off and on during the day. Venum's friend Cody came over and we all hung out and played in the pool. After a while, Venum started managing a shop again and making whatever money he could according to the jobs that he had. It didn't take me long to find out that he was seeing Melissa again. I went to take him lunch one day and saw her truck parked in the shop. I asked him about it and he said that her husband needed some work done and he was working on the truck for him. On another occasion, I went to the shop and she was there. As she was leaving she told me that Venum was with her when I was calling him to come to the hospital for Devon's birth. She said she kept telling him that he should be with me but he wouldnt leave. If hadn't had Devon in my arms that time, I might have hit her. I never quite had the opportunity to do what I wanted when I seen her. She jumped in her care, laughed at me and drove away. When I asked Venum about what she said, he denied it. He always denied he. He had this gift of taking my face into his hands, rubbing my hair from my eyes and telling me that he promised that she meant nothing to him, that she was crazy and she was a liar. It was weird...I somehow felt sorry for her because of the way my husband fucked her and then called her crazy. The world was such a disgusting place filled with some of the most dispicable people and I wasn't the only dispicable one.


2005

Fall

I went to visit my father and took the kids. He wasn't doing to well by then and I wanted to try and spend as much time with him as possible. Ever since my mother died, he hadn't been the same. Every Christmas and every other holiday in which they had spend together, he was miserable. His health began to decline gradually since her death and he was now having dialysis twice a week, had endured another heart surgery and other small things were wrong with him. The most recent problem he was having dealt with his nerves. He was losing the feeling in his fingertips. This seemed to disturbe him the most and he talked to me about it. He told me that it was horrible to him because he wanted nothing more than to feel the boy's soft curls beneathe his fingertips. He said that the inability to do that made him very sad. The doctors said that the feeling was was also going away because of his diabetes and that it was getting much worse. The doctors said that his diabetes was the root of most of his problems and that he needed to eat better. My father's opinion on eating better was very strong. He felt that if he couldn't eat whatever he wanted, he had rather die. My father's health deteriorated at a rapid rate when he decided that he just didn't give a fuck anymore. I took my children to see him on a more regular basis and he grew to really love Devon. I can say that he had the opportunity to meet them all.


2005

Fall

Cody, Venum's best friend, joined the National Guard and both Venum and I thought he was insane. No much longer after Cody joined, he had talked Venum into joining as well. I was shocked but there was really nothing that I could do to change his mind. Venum brought a recruiter to the house to talk to me and tell me what the Guard consisted of. Before the recruiter left, we were promised so many things to help us out as a family...most of which were lies. We did recieve a nice bonus for Venum joining. He was to report to take his test in a couple of weeks... and so he started to study for the test.

2006

Spring (April)

My father's health had gotten much much worse and he was giving my aunt a very hard time with is attitude. He was irritable and then other times he would just sleep. His eyes began to get glassed over and drawn. I decided to go see him more often and I tried to do that. One day, I decided to go was on a Sunday. I took the children with me and decided to cook lunch for him. My father was used to my mother's cooking and he was always so very critical of my cooking. He never had a completely positive thing to say about my cooking. Even though I thought I could cook pretty good, nothing could compare to mother. That day, I should have known that somethign was wrong because he ate everything on his plate and said that it was very good. And I had followed his diabetic cookbook to the T. I talked to him at the table and noticed that his eyes were even more glassed over than before. He seemed like he was on some drug. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I let the kids sit in his lap and hug him as well. He had just had a procedure done the day before which consisted of having some sort of clot pushed out of his arteries. I never really understood what it was about and so I talke to my aunt while I was there as well. Before I left, daddy went to bed and slept. I tried to rouse him to say good bye but he mumbled. So I left him there with my brother.
Deep within the night, my brother called and said that they had to rush him to the hospital. When morning came, I we all went to Tupleo to the hospital to see my father. They said he was in the intensive care in a coma....the outlook was bad.


2006

April

The family said that he had gotten out of bed sometime within the night and fell on his face. He did not get back up. When my brother found out he was in the floor, he turned him over thinking he was dead. My father was still breahting and my brother called 911. The report was that when the procedure pushed out the clot, it traveled to my father's brain and he suffered from an aneurism. The doctors said that it was very unlikely that my father would survive this...and we just had to wait and see what happened. They said if he lived he would simply be brain dead. So we waited and hoped for a miracle because our church family believed in prayer. The elders came, the other family came and we waited. From Monday until Friday, we waited and we came and went. During the day, we played poker in the waiting room and we read magazines. My brother in law came with my sister and their two kids and he was forced to be face to face with Venum. Finally, after all these years, they made peace with each other. But honestly, I didn't know if I really cared anymore. I was wanting my daddy to talk to...I was wanting my mommy to talk to and I had neither of them to talk to. I went to my brother because he was the only one who understood me at all. He was there with me until the end and I am forver grateful for that. On Friday, my father's blood pressure dropped drastically and my memories started to flood me again...like with mother. I rememered that I was always my daddy's little girl. Everywhere that he went, i wanted to go. Although he beat me and he was hard on my by screaming and yelling at me; he was my daddy..my hero...and he was leaving me forever. My heart started to really hurt and finally I felt the full pain. Everyone and everything around me disappeared and it was only me and him. It is truly sad that we do not recognize how much someone means to us until we are watching them leave us....it is true. WE wait and we wait and we think that there will be another day when there is none left...it is over. And so that day was here and I was rotten to myself again...I was wishing back my whole life and time that I left him alone with his grief. I wanted my daddy and so I went to his bedside and lay my hand on his cheek. I only knew one thing that I wished to say to him.

"Daddy, I love you and I will always be your little girl."

Now, you have to understand. The doctors said that he could not respond, he could not see, nor could her hear anything. He was only breathing and he was leaving gradually. They said we could talk but there really was no need because he would never understand what we were saying. But I think they were idiots.

I told my daddy that I would always be his little girl and I saw something amazing. A tear rolled down my daddy's cheek and I saw him smile. It was amazing, I tell you...that smile. I was just like when he would look down at me when I would get dirty or I would tug at his pants leg. I fell on his chest and cried...then I had to leave the room. As soon as I left, I heard them yell and call for me. When I came back to his bedside, he was gone.

130

2005

Spring

After the graduation, I felt a little relief. I had left work on maturnity leave and I would not go back either. Apparently, the ladies who were managing the Salvation Army were very racist. On several occasions during my pregnancy, they had made comments about my unborn child, about how I was better to african people and how their church would never allow me to attend because husband was black. They made many many comments which hurt me but the one which i will never foget is the comment they said right before my maturnity leave. The boss was looking at a book with pictures of babies in it and she asked me if I would miss having white babies. I didn't really understand the question in its entirety because, to be honest, I had never had white babies. I was hurt, though, by the comment and decided at that very moment that I would not be returned to Salvation Army as an employee. When I left that day, I drove up to the daycare to pick up Dorian. Before I went inside, I cried about the statement. No one knows how much racism hurts until they are faced with it and it directly affects their families and loved ones.


2005

Spring

Venum and I got into a terrible fight one day about Melissa. We were at Wal Mart and they were talking. I noticed that he was so very nice to her and  just stood there right in front of me and talked to her as if they weren't fucking, as if they had nothing to do with each other outside of public. It sickened me. We then had to go to a friend of mine's house to drop off Damian and Dorian to spend the night with my friend's son. By the time we got to her house, Venum and I were fighting terribly about Melissa. When we got out of the car and took Damian and Dorian inside, Venum walked back out and walked down the road. He refused to get back in the car. Me and my girlfriend both walked after him trying to get him to get back in the car. I even apologized about the whole argument and promised to not talk of it again. He refused to come back to the car. I was 8 months pregnant and I was chasing my husband down the highway...followed by my girlfriend who was also crying. She was very close to us and had been for years and did not want to see us unhappy. Eventually, I had to go back and get in the car. I followed him for quite some time before I decided to go home and try to call him.  I called and called his phone for quite some time and then realized that he would not call me back. I went inside and then I heard his father's truck cranking up. I looked outside and noticed that he was leaving in his father's truck. He stayed gone for hours and hours on into the night. When he came home, he was drunk. I went out to the truck to try and get him to come in and go to sleep but he wouldn't. I climbed into the truck and slept there beside him all night. The next morning we talked and then went to his father's grave. There he greived and I stood with him, supporting him all the while. On the way home, he looked at me and motioned for me to come and sit near him in the truck. He put his arm around me and was silent...I was silent too.

I didn't know how much longer we could do this.


2005

June

I was doing my housework and wondering when Devon was going to come.  I was already dilated quite a bit but the doctor said that I just had to wait. Dorian was talking and jabbering to Devon constantly. Dorian would climb upon my belly and sing to Devon, he would poke at him and he would talk. It was the cutest thing you will ever see. I could have sworn that they were twins if one wasn't already born. Every moment that Dorian was home, he was on my belly or lying next to me. HIs little eyes would get wide and he would look up at me and say..."Momma"...then he would gasp then he would giggle. Damian would put his ear to my tummy and laugh. He was now in the second grade and he was still in gifted class. His grades were phenomenal and I could not have been prouder. He had made second place in the derby races and he was winning awards in his church classes as well. The hell that surrounded Damian did not seem to bother his intellect at all. I was so very proud of them for overcoming the home life that they were brought up in and this made me want to do better by them.

I remember cooking every day and sometimes three times a day back then...washing everything even the baseboards and walls. I was nesting and everything was spotless. Despite my unhappiness in my relationship, I tried desperately to make my own happiness. Spirit came and she went as she would. When she came, Damian and Dorian would laugh with her and dance around her as if she was just another kid. Then when she left, Damian went back to his chores and work because he knew that it was serious time again. Over time, the children adjusted to the switching pretty well. It was not until years and years later that I would discover just how difficult it was for Damian dealing with my mood changes. I found out and it broke my heart in ways that he....preferred Spirit.


2005

June 27

I went to the doctor's office and they told me that I should just admit myself to the hospital right away. They said that it was time for Devon to be born. I went to the daycare to see if they would keep Dorian for me for a while. He had not been staying at the daycare since I had quite my job but I needed someone to watch him so that I could go to the hospital. I had called their father but he was too busy to come and help me. He had taken a job at a Auto shop and was now manager there...for cash money only. He had also met a new friend named Cody and they were both working at the shop together. Venum said that he could not leave yet and that he would be at the hospital soon. So, I took Dorian to the daycare and went to the hospital by myself. They admitted me and then let me rest for a while. AFter an hour or so, they broke my waters and I began to contract. Around this time, Venum arrived and sat down in the corner by the window. He made jokes and pretty much irritated me while I was in labor. My aunt arrived and brought Dorian and Damian back up to the hospital. Then they pushed me into the delivery room. I was not hurting quite so bad as I had hurt with Dorian but it was bad enough. I recieved only one shot and then the doctor started to stretch my  vaginal muscles to aid in my delivery. I lay there and started to pray. Devon was an easy labor. I think by the time the meds took their hold on me, I had passed out. When I woke, I saw a screaming baby being handed to me. He was beautiful and brown. He was little too and he had one aspect of him that everyone in the room was oohing and ahhhing at. His hair was red, really read. My father was there by that time and he laughed and laughed. Everyone was commenting on how Devon passed down the Irish red. I cooed at Devon and spoke to him.

"You don't listen to them." I took him into my arms, plopped a tit in his mouth and apologised profusely for trying to kill him in the womb.. I had tears flowing down my cheeks...and my heart was breaking

129

2005

January

I wasn't feeling well and I had been eating everything in sight. I didn't seem very concerned at first because I knew that there was lots of pressure on me and that this must be normal nervous stomach and anxiety. I kept doing the things that I was doing only being concerned when I started to gain weight around the middle. My pants were getting tighter and tighter and something was definitely wrong with me.

I went to the doctor and talked to her about all sorts of things like how my studies were taking so much of my time along with my two children. I told the doctor that I had many personal problems as well that I was trying to deal with in my head. Right before I started to notice that things weren't right with my health; I was told by my fashion teacher that I had to get a job for internship. Which meant that I had to work at some clothing store for nothing but a grade, as well as go to school and then also cook and raise two children. I was very frustrated by all the responsibility and the nurse said that It was probably nerves that were making me feel bad and gain weight. The nurse did several blood tests and took a urine sample. As I waited in the examining room, I thought about all the things that I was going to have to accomplish. I thought about my messed up relationship with my husband and wondered if it could possibly be saved. I said that prayer again that I had been saying for years. I asked God that if it was possible to save my marriage I wanted to do that very thing....if for no other reason than for the happiness of my two children. I prayed for quite some time before the nurse came back into the room. When she entered, she was smiling.

"Ms. Sherrie, I have some good news. You are pregnant...three months pregnant at that. You mean to tell me that You had no idea that you were with child?"

I was floored; I just sat there and tried to take in what she was saying. Her voice began to fade away slowly into the distance. I looked at her and tried to clear my head.

"What did you say?" I asked her

"I said that you are pregnant!!! Congratulations!!!" she smiled like a crazy little teenager while I just sat there and realized that life just didn't get more complicated than this. Now what?

I gathered my things and went home. I didn't smile at her, I didn't smile at Venum when I got home and I just fed Dorian and Damian like a zombie...in a daze and I realized suddenly why Dorian had been getting mad lately at my lack of milk. He had been biting and clawing at my breast because the milk was going dry. My body had been preparing for a baby whether I knew it or not. My body knew better than I did apparently. But what of all the nasty things and things that Spirit had been doing. Spirit had beaten my ex boyfriend, she had strutted around flambouantly flirting and carrying on and she had been hating and conspiring...even fantasizing about doing terrible things to Melissa...and with this innocent creature growing wildly within her. What did that mean, if it meant anything at all?
I just went about my routine...wondering when I would tell my husband about the new baby. I knew he would be unhappy...so I waited.


2005

January.

I landed an internship at the Salvation Army. It wasn't really what my teacher wanted me to do but it was a good place to get experience in sales and fashion. It is complicated to explain, really. Considering my responsibilities as a parent and my location, it was the best I could do. I didn't know much about my boss there or her sister who was also an employee but  I just went in and done my job as I thought I was supposed to. I was there two weeks when I had my first break down. I was alone in the back room sorting clothes when I started to get depressed. I was familiar with this feeling...so very familiar that I knew what was coming. I looked down at my abdomen and frowned. I knew this new baby was going to ensure that I would never get my husband back to myself. I knew that I would never be skinny again and he would leave me finally for Melissa. The thoughts raced through my head pulling and tugging at me from all corners. My boss's sister came into the room and asked me if I was okay and I waved her away...even she didn't know I was pregnant. When she left I felt like I couldn't breathe and I knew what I had to do. I gripped the table tightly and started to weep. Then something took me over and I began to hit myself in my abdomen...like before, when I killed the other one...the little boy. I hit myself a couple times then I stopped to listen for the others in the front room of the shop. When I saw it was quiet, I did it again. I squeezed with all my muscles and bent over the table pressing as hard as I could. I wanted it out of me. I wanted it out so bad that I hated myself and I hated everything. I just wanted to have control of myself and not be fat, not be unattractive. I wanted a chance to win my husband back to me. I wanted a chance to be as pretty as I could be and then maybe he would notice me over Melissa. I stopped ramming my stomach into the table and I listened for the boss. I didn't hear her so I hit myself again and again and again then I starte to hurt very badly in my abdomen.

Then I stopped...I stopped everything and wished that I had done enough...but I couldn't do anymore. I was in such pain inside and out. I was officially the most degradable, horrible and disgusting monster that I knew in existance. I ran in the bathroom, locked the door and then I cried. When I pulled down my clothes, I bled into the toilet.


2005

January

A couple days later, I felt a pain and hatred toward myself that you could never imagine. I knew what a monster that I had become...I knew it all too well. I knew what I had done at the shop was the last straw with myself. I wanted to end it all right then...I wanted to blow my fucking brains out because I knew what  deplorable human being that I was. I know exactly how dark and demented and also twisted I was. I wanted to end this poor excuse for a human life...that was me, that was spirit...but I could not. The only way I could fix this...fix my soul was to let him live. I went to the doctor again because I was bleeding. The doctor said that the baby was fine.

I knew then that my life was his life and I would live for him. I had tried to kill him and I owed him everything and more and things I could never give him. If he hated me for the rest of my life, I deserved it. I could see this clearly now. Every blow and every strain to push him from my body sent me into convulsions of weeping when no one was around. Damian would see me crying and he would ask me what was wrong. I would lie to him and tell him that I just didn't feel good. Dorian would scream for attention and climb onto my belly. When his little ear would press against my belly, he would grow quiet and he would listen...only then would he smile. He would babble and poke at my belly. These moments made me cry worse. I knew that I did not deserve them at all. If the world were to come and take them away from me, it would be as knives thrusting into me but I would deserve it and they did deserve better. These thought raced through my head as I lay there and just wept...wept because I could not end it all for me. I was the vessel in which this innocent angel was to grow before gracing the world with his beauty. He was a miracle...just as the two before him.
And all I could do was hate myself..and I did that very well.


2005

Spring

I tried to make things right with my baby inside, with God...because I know that God forgives. I went to school everyday and then to work after school. Venum watched Damian when he got off the bus and I picked up Dorian after work from the daycare. Even through our disfunction, we managed to do what we were supposed to do. I told Gavin that I was pregnant one day at school and we started to talk to each other less and less...but I never stopped thinking of him. I still felt a strong pull toward him but I tried to focus on my children. By the end of the semester, I had finished all my work, speeches, shows, displays and etc and I was ready to graduate. I had finished school, despite the hell that I had been enduring and making...I had managed to finish school. I was to be graduating a month before Devon's birth. I remember going to rehearsal, getting my gown and then missing my graduation altogether. That year, my brother and neice were both graduating and Dorian had come down with a stomach virus. My aunt wanted to see my brother graduate as well and there was no one else to watch and take care of Dorian. He was so sick and he was throwing up horribly and there was no way he coudl go to the graduation. His father was working nights still and it turned out that I was the only one who could be there for him. I took a picture with my brother in my cap and gown and then watched them leave for graduation. I took off my cap and gown and  went to take care of my son, feed Damian and sit with Devon as he kicked my stomach wildly. AFter a little while, I took all the kids outside and took pictures of them in the yard playing...it helped my soul.

128

2004

I talked to my aunt and told her about the affair with George. While I was telling her about the affair I remembered the letters that George and I had written to each other and I wished I had gotten them back. I told her about my temptation and about what Venum was doing to me. I admit, I should have probably kept those things to myself but I was being eaten alive by guilt, hurt and hatred...not to mention vast confusion. I didn't know which way to turn. I only knew that I wanted to be loved so badly that I ached for it and spent my time daydreaming about it.


2004

I found out that George was living near the Northeast Campus in an apartment complex. I made plans to go see him and get all my personal belongings back. I thought it would be easy enough; just go there, knock on the door and then tell George that I wanted my things back...no problem right, wrong.
I did go there adn knock on the door and Marla answered. Marla was a really fast cycling bi polar and at that time, I had no idea that I was bi polar...so the words freaked me out. I just know now why she seemed so cool to me....she was me in a younger form. I walked into the apartment and she skated out on roller skates. I closed the door behind me and George came out of the other room. He was smiling and started to hug me. I hugged him quickly and proceeded to talk.

"How are you?" I asked first genuinly hoping that he was okay.

he answered quietly that he was okay.

"I came here for my things." I stated frankly

George looked confused then he realized what I was talking about "What things...your letters, pictures and stuff?"

"Yes, my stuff...all of it."

"I cannot give you everything. I want to keep some of it to remember you." George looked very sad.

I didn't care...because I wasn't there....she was...Spirit. "No, I want all my things, George."

I stood and looked around. "where are my things...my letters?"

George stood as well and went to the back room. I followed him into the darkness of his bedroom. There in the corner was a large basket and George opened the top revealing letters and pictures. I gasped at the realization of my things and that I was so close to them but they were not in my grasp.

"This is all of them but I cannot let you have them all. As I said, I want to keep some of them to remember you by."

At this I spoke in anger. "Listen, I have to have those...for my protection. I cannot let there be evidence out here of my infidelity...are you kidding me."

George stood and took my shoulders in his hands "It's okay...i will never do that to you...never hurt you with these letters and no one else will ever have them. I promise you that."

I grew angrier and started to smile. I had recently hurt my previously broken arm and had to put it back in a sling during school and so it was hurting again at the moment. The angrier I got, the more the pain inflamed and thus making me angrier. "You don't seem to understand what I am saying to you! I want my fucking stuff back!"

George picked up the basket as if to guard it and he looked at me in a strange way. I grabbed for the basket and he pulled away. I started snatching letters, pictures and whatever I could grasp from the basket. He grabbed my hand and pulled it from the basket trying his best to keep from getting all my stuff. I started to punch him in the face with my free hand as I grabbed tighter with the other. I saw his glasses fly from his face and then we both toppled into the floor. I forgot about the letters and continued to bash at his face with my fists, my elbows and my knees. I pushed him into the corner and beat him over and over until I felt I could grab my things. I grabbed as many letters, pictures and charms as I could and ran from the apartment. Marla was coming in just as I was running out and I almost knocked her down. I didn't turn back to see what he was doing, I just split. Sherrie was trying to get Spirit out of there before she killed him. Spirit giggled half the way home while ripping up letters and pictures. When we got home, we made a little fire in an old pot and burned away the proof of our sins. Spirit and I sat by the smoldering embers until Venum came home and asked what we were doing...Of course he didn't know Spirit was there and so he wasn't afraid...but he should have been.


2013

So you must see a monster here...you must see someone who is beyond understanding. Humanity is a strange thing and you just don't know the extint of how strange it can be. The human mind is so very fragile and it can bend and waver only so much until it is broken. I know that I am broken...because of the bones that have been broken, the hearts that have been broken and the lives that have been broken. I see myself as human...with the capabilities of any other human if pushed far enough to experience such desperate acts of survival. I am but a part of you that you are afraid of...a part that maybe you have not had the opportunity to use yet...but who knows, maybe you will someday...when someone has you in the corner or trapped underneath the weight of their world...Someday, you may rise up punching, come out fighting and attack for you your own sense of security...no matter how senseless the rest of the world may see it....or no matter how insane it may seem....you may, in time become the animal which rests inside.


2004

Winter

I don't know what happened with George, if he was okay or what...but I just didn't care anymore. I was furious...angry at the world for the life I was in. The only solace that I found was being with Damian and Dorian and obsessing over Gavin. Damian was in school and every afternoon, I would hold Dorian and nurse him singing him songs. I felt the weather getting colder as I was growing colder. I hated how my heart began to harden...I hated how things seemed to change all around me as Spirit took more and more time into her own hands. In church now, every time the songs would say "spirit"...I would giggle causing some of the church members to look at me funny. To counteract this, I would sing stronger and stronger hoping to drown Spirit out altogether but she had grown so very strong since I let her come back. She had her good qualities mind you, she was vibrant and hyper...dancing round and round, singing...but don't piss her off, never ever piss her off because Spirit harbored a rage.


2004

Winter

I tried again to make amends with Venum during the holiday season. The holidays were always the times when the family got closer together and as we all know...mistresses hate the holidays...not to mention, birthdays, anniversaries, valentines and other such holidays. I knew that Melissa was fuming with anger when Venum chose to spend the holidays with his calls to a minimum. Things were actually quieter than most other days and things went peacefully. I told Spirit to behave and I tried to enjoy time with my husband. As I said, calls were minmum but I am sure he had his ways and times to keep his alternative life going...I just tried to ignore it and keep a calm head for his relatives. Because whenever I raised my voice, they never thought he was doing anything wrong...I was always the bad one. My relatives that I associated with were few...my aunt, my brother and my father...and when I fought with vEnum around them, they acting like nothing was even happeneing. So, to make things better, I was just numb to it all and tried to make the best of it.

127

2004

The more that I tried to get Gavin off my mind, the more that I thought about him. I think I tried too hard to get rid of him. But honestly, I don't think I really wanted to get rid of him. He was simply beautiful, inside and out. He was 10 years younger than me but that wasn't the point. I saw him as a man who was very intelligent; far more intelligent than most men his age...and I saw him as being very attractive. And I always saw him, day after day...he was there. Even the days that I would walk onto campus with my head down...i would manage to look up just as Gavin would pass by, thus catching my eye. He really had no idea the way that I felt because he continued to smile at me. I figured that he would freak out if he knew and he would probably never smile at me again. Even though I thought there was a connection, I just could not be sure enought to do anything about it. And I was married...even though my husband cared not to sleep with me nor did he care to be intimate in other ways. So, my brain focused elsewhere. I am not sure when it happened but I think I crossed a line between friendship and into crushing with Gavin...I am sure of it....just don't know the exact time.

I remember when we had to sell tickets for the Battle of the Bands and I saw Gavin in the lobby. I remember talking to him and he just stared at me. I knew he was staring at me because I was staring at him too...or was he staring because I was staring....you see, these things are always so hard to figure out. I just felt hot and bothered and felt giddy the rest of the day after trying to talk to Gavin. He said that he was not going to be in the contest but he would buy a ticket...so that was enough for me.

I wanted to ask him to skip class with me but I chickened out. Me and a friend of mine, Lanice were walking to class when he was getting in his truck. It was a big red chevy and I remember how I called the back fender "hips" because that is how I always knew when I saw him drive by or park or whatever...yes, obsessed is the right word...sigh. So, he talked to us for a moment about why he cancelled with the band and all..says one of the other members quit. I was just looking at him talk..looking at his eyes and then down to his lips...just mesmerized by his presence...and then he smiled. I remember what that felt like too...to look at his smile...how his eyes would close when he smiled and he would just light up the place. I remember wanting to ask him to take me somewhere but I knew I couldn't miss another Accounting class or I would be in trouble...so I just said goodbye and went with Lanice to class. I couldn't concentrate at all...and so I doodled on my notebook.
There were so many little moments here and there...passing on the boulevard, in the hallways, through the park....so many times that our eyes met...but the timing was just awful. One day, I wanted to skip science class and so I did. I lay in the park by the library and just stared up at the trees and birds. After I took a short nap, I walked to the library because I was bored and I saw Gavin there. He was looking up at me and when he saw me looking he looked down and pushed up his glasses...I thought he didn't want to be bothered so I just walked thru the library and thru the other door to the outside again. I just couldn't tell what he was thinking. So many other people were easier to read but not this one. I just felt strange around him or anywhere near him.

Around the time of the Battle of the Bands, I started to feel guilty...really guilty and so I asked Venum if he would come with me to the show. He really didn't want to and he even told me to ask Gavin to take me. I didn't know what to say because it caught me off guard. I just told him that I didn't want to go with another man, I wanted to go with him. He reluctantly said he would go and so that was that. I know why I did this. I did this as a way to keep from doing something that was wrong in case the timing was right for this thing to happen...whatever it was. I thought that this might be the time that Gavin said or did something and I had to do the right thing and ask Venum to go with me. So Venum went and we watched the band for a while. AFter a little bit, Gavin came in and sat behind us and talked to Venum. I joined in a little bit and then I stood and danced with the crowd which was thrashing around quite a bit. I loved the music...metal and and grunge style but with new elements. I was enjoying the music and then Venum said he had to go to the truck and take a nap because he was sleepy. I danced some more and turned trying to get Gavin to join me dancing. He just waved his hand towared me and smiled. After a while, I sat down and rested. I turned and Gavin had disappeard. He stayed gone for quite some time and I watched the show alone. With no warning, I felt a hand in my hair. The hand touched the top of my head and rubbed all the way down the back of my head. I turned and saw that it was Gavin. He smiled and sat behind me. I was thrown a little, not expecting him to touch me but I just kept watching the show. Soon, I turned again when I felt brave enough and he was gone. I didn't see him again all night.


2004

I know that I could have been wrong about it but I thought he liked me...I mean really liked me. Sometimes, You don't really have much to go on except your intuition. I had nothing really...a uncountable amount of hugs from church, a handful of long conversations, a hair rub, a couple handshakes, arm touches, waves, smiles and eye contacts....yep, that obsessed; but I had nothing really. But I felt something and to me, that was something. So, I was reading my poetry book one day and then I knew what I was going to do...and so I talked to Lanice, who, by the way, was good at keeping secrets. I told her that I wanted to tell him how I felt but I was scared. She didn't have lots of advice so I said I would think of something myself then....no thanks to Lanice.

I was reading my poetry book one night at home after the kids were asleep. I came across one of my favorite poems even now. It was called "Neither Spirit nor bird". I felt something as I read this poem and I wanted to give it to Gavin. I wrote it down on a peice of paper and stuffed it into my back pack. The next day, I told Lanice what I wanted to do.

"Lanice, I want to put this in his truck...somewhere in the door or the crack of the window." I held up the peice of paper folded.

"what is it?" Lanice asked.

I smiled nervously..."It's a poem...better yet...can you re write this for me so that it is not in my handwriting?"

Lanice looked at me funny and then said sure, that she would do the deed.

So, I gave Lanice the paper and asked her if she could tuck it somewhere in his door jam or his window or something when he finished it and she said yes.


And here is the poem that I gave to Gavin in 2004 when I was 28 and he was 18:


Neither spirit nor bird;
A Shoshone love song
 Neither spirit nor bird
That was my flute you heard
 Last night by the River.
 When you came with your wicker jar
 Where the river drags the willows,
 That was my flute you heard,
 Wacoba, Wacoba,
 Calling, Come to the willows!

Neither the wind nor a bird
 Rustled the lupin blooms,
 That was my blood you heard
 Answer your garment's hem
 Whispering through the grasses;
 That was my blood you heard
 By the wild rose under the willows.
That was no beast that stirred,
 That was my heart you heard
 Pacing to and fro
 In the ambush of my desire,
 To the music my flute let fall.
 Wacoba, Wacoba,
 That was my heart you heard
 Leaping under the willows.

And Lanice threw that poem into the back of his truck. I never knew...never and not today whether or not Gavin actually found that poem. It will always remain a mystery...like so many other horrid unanswered questions just sitting in the corner of my mind bringing wonder.

126

2004

College was definitely an escape from the hell of my dysfunctional family life. I had started school and had to find a babysitter for Dorian. The long time babysitter who had kept Damian was retiring as well and I had to find someone else to keep Dorian. I found a daycare in New Albany called the Playhouse which suited his needs. Dorian hated to be left though and he would cry and scream horribly each time that I left him there. Each day for about a month, the owners would complain that Dorian fought them and almost refused to take a bottle. He had been nursed and was still nursing and he didn't want anything differently. After a while, he got used to taking the bottle while I was at school.

My major as I said was Fashion Marketing Tech but I had classes in Science, Salesmanship and also Accounting...I hated math, by the way. There was just something about numbers which terrified me...well, mostly numbers mixed with letters...which was Algebra. So I had to pay close attention to anything dealing with equations. Science dealt with equations as well but I had guys who would be happy to give me the answers if I needed them too.

I had a strange dream one night about Gavin, the guitar player at church. The 18 year old youth member that was very handsome. Of course, before the dream, I never thought of Gavin in any inappropriate manner. The dream was odd, as I stated...or strange. I was walking along the boulevard on the NOrtheast Campus when I saw him standing on the sidewalk. He walked up and just started talking like we were best friends. I cannot remember what we talked about but I just remember being very happy and comfortable with him. Then, as he appeared, he disappeared just as quickly and I was sad. One day in real life, along the boulevard...on a very sunny beautiful day, Gavin was standing on the sidewalk. I immediately thought of my dream and so I walked up and started talkng to him. He was very friendly and just as the dream we started talking about all sorts of things like we were best friends. I thought of the dream and felt a warmth flow over me...a contentment. I looked up and into his eyes and felt a connection to him. This feeling sunk deeply and left me feeling giddy the rest of the day. Spirit twirled and jumped inside my mind and then i started to skip to each and every class like a silly little girl. When I realized what I was doing, I smiled and calmed myself down.
I started to speak to Gavin more in passing and he would smile so big. Once he stopped me to talk about my classes and my major. At one point, the club DECA, that I was in was looking for events to raise money and I thought of Gavin. I suggested that they have a Battle of the Bands and that his band (the youth band from church) would be perfect to compete. The club loved the idea and got to work on it right away. I asked Gavin about the idea and he seemed very enthusiastic. I think after that conversation, I started to think of things to ask Gavin just to get a better look at his smile. I noticed that Gavin had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and such a wonderful personality. I caught myself flirting with Gavin when he walked by and I could have sworn that he flirted back. Of course I wasn't completely sure and it could have been all in my imagination. There was a moment though, that when I passed by him and we caught each other's eyes that I could have sworn there was a connection between us...a spark. I felt what was happening, at least in my own heart. I am sure at times that it was one sided that Gavin didn't even consider me in any other light than a fellow church member or student but then I felt a connection...and this drove me crazy. I started to look forward to seeing him everyday. The more that Melissa called Venum, the more I wanted to dispear in my obsession of Gavin.
I didn't realize what I was doing and what my mind was leading me into ...frankly, I just didn't care. I wanted to be happy more than anything in the world. And when I was pretending or letting the giddy feelings pass through me...no matter how wrong it was...I just wanted to be happy....not forced...just happy.

125

2004

Summer

Dorian grew so fast and screamed so loud. His voice was demanding and you could never ignore him. I tried to stay focused on my little ones during my pain. I tried as hard as I could to keep my cool and let God do the work for me. I prayed and prayed over and over. I had brought home summer work to do and I tried to focus on that as well. I got to know the members of the church better and they even decided to go to a Christian camp for women. I agreed to go with them and so I left the boys with their father and joined the women of the church. It was very fullfilling to be there with those ladies in the little cabins in the woods. I found solice being away from problems and solice knowing that I did not have to deal with those things while I was gone. Although, at night...I missed my babies so badly. There was always vast amounts of food at the camp and so we ate very well and then there was devotional every morning. During the day, there were workshops and teachings by different elders of the church.

On the last night of the camp out...we had intense prayer. That is when the pastor's wife attempted to cast that evil spirit from me again. The pastor's wife said that I could not hold eye contact with her and I told her that I didn't know why. She said it was because there was something inside me. I started to pray in my secret language because, honestly, they were scaring me. As I started to pray, the pastor grabbed hold of me and starred into my eyes. She shouted for the 'thing' to stop mimicking God's language and I prayed harded. Several of the ladies grabbed hold of me and put me on the ground. They started praying loudly for the demon to leave me. As they shoved at me and cried, I passed out.

When I awoke, one of the elders, the pretty blonde lady, leaned over me. I could see her pretty green eyes sparkling. she smiled and spoke as she fumbled with the necklace that I was wearing.
"Can I have this?" She asked of the necklace.

I looked at her funny and then looked down at the necklace.. "uh...i guess"

"You see, there is something wrong with this necklace...it's not good. I cannot explain why, but I get bad feelings from this necklace." She smiled.

"Sure, take it."

The necklace was something that a girl from the neighborhood sold to me. This particular girl would be proven in the future to have been one of the women who had slept with my husband.
Sometimes, the ladies of the church really knew what they were talking about. One of the younger ones, took off her own necklace and gave it to me to replace the one that they had taken.


Sometime after 1998 and before 2000...during my time at Landau and after Damian's birth.

A flashback because I forgot to tell this part...

Sometimes, when you tell the story, you forget to tell certain things. Back before Dorian's birth and before I was saved by the grace of God...I was thinking lots about wanting to be with a woman again. I called dating services because Venum said it was okay. He understood my sexuality and at the same time was highly turned on by the fact. The girl I met did not was to have sex in front of my husband and Venum said for me to do it anyway and that he would think about it. So I planned to meet Nita in Memphis. Nita lived in a very upper class area. She was a beautiful black woman with a beautiful personality. We planned that I should park on the street and come on up to her house. I knocked on the door and went inside. Me and Nita talked for a while and then decided to talk in her room upstairs. We didn't talk long until we were both naked and making out. I found out that Nita loved to eat pussy and so I lay there and enjoyed the feeling. When she was done, I returned the favor. Then we both lay there and rested a moment. Then the weirdest thing happened. She jumped up and said her mom was home and then shoved me in the hall bathroom. She told me to get in the shower and be quiet. I think I stayed in that bathroom for hours. Finally, Nita came to get me and it was very late. The next morning, Nita had to leave the room and I was sitting there watching television. Joyce Meyers was talking about sin and at the time...I cared not about what I was doing in this aspect , anyway. The door opened and a lady that I did not know was starring at me. She said one statement.

"ARe you Nita's lover?"

I couldn't speak, I just grabbed my things and ran out the door. As I am driving away, Nita is running after me with a bag. I stop long enough to see what she wanted. She said she was sorry that she lied to me...that she was only 17.  She gave me the bag filled with beautiful red flowers....and then I told her goodbye.

I never saw her again....and it was for the best.



2004

And so I focused on school as well. I enjoyed learning different things about fashion. I cut my hair to my shoulders and started to lose weight again. I thought that maybe if I lost the weight that Venum would stop seeing Melissa. During the Fashion class, some of the really pretty girls decided that they wanted to give me a make over and so I let them. It was very exciting and I loved to walk down the Boulevard and get looks from others. It really boosted my confidence.


2004

I was breast feeding and my breasts would get so hard and hurt while I was at school. No matter how many times I would pump out the milk, my breasts would still become engorged and I would have to wear a triple layer of breast pads. One day, my boobs were so swollen and hurting that I went into the bathroom at Holiday hall and started to squeeze the milk into th toilet. I had already used all my bottles and had them packed away for Dorian. I had nothing left to put milk in. I remember standing over the toilet as If I was about to piss like a man. I held my breast downward and squeezed vast amounts of milk into the toilet until my breast was soft and smaller again. The size difference was very noticable before I squeezed the other one. I went to work on the other breast and then I felt so much better. When I straightened up, I noticed that I had squeezed milk all over the walls and the stall walls as well. There was milk on the floor and on the toilet seat. I guess I kind of understood at this point how hard it is for a man to aim. I cleaned up my mess and pulled my shirt back down. I walked out of that bathroom feeling like a new woman. Within an hour, my breasts were swelling again. I don't know how many messes I have made 'milking a cow' at Northeast Community college...but damnit, It helped.

124

2003

The members of our church cooked meals for us as I was healing from Dorian's birth. For a whole week, we recieved a whole meal from a different member. Then Melissa came over to see the baby and brought food...even as forgiving as I had become, I still felt strange vibes from her. Of course I showed my appreciation for the food she brought. She had had a baby as well, about a year previous and she brought him with her. I noticed that her son and Dorian looked a lot alike. I also tried to put this out of my head and try to do as God would want me to do.

It wasn't that things were always as they should be, it was just that I dealt with it in a different way now. The church was teaching me to give everything to God and he would handle it, he would be my vidicator. There was no need for revenge. Whenever Spirit would rise up to say something about injustice, I would quiet her and sit alone for a while until she was settled down. She would get giddy and excited and so we would sing songs or pray in the secret language. With Spirit inside, my prayers were furious, strong and forceful. It was an odd sight to be honest and sometimes, I would recieve pats on the back for my testimonies....but they still didn't know where my furvor came from.


2004

Winter

It was cold and wet and water was all over the floor. Despite Venum's changes, he was still reluctant at fixing our home. The roof had been leaking for quite some time and I was now putting all my pots and pans on the floor to catch the rain water....and I would pray. I would pray for this and for that and the other thing. I prayed all the time while grinding my teeth together and they would stoke me on. The elders kept telling me to not give up on what i wanted...that God would give me my heart's desire in his will.



2004

Winter

I returned to school and resumed my major in FAshion Marketing. Gavin, one of the youth from church, also went to college where I attended. Gavin was a wonderful young guy who was only 18...fresh out of college and very close to God. He was part of the praise and worship team at church and could play guitar. He was very funny too and many times we all shared a good laugh. He had majored in liberal arts and I saw him everyday at school...then on Sundays and Wednesdays as well. Some days when things weren't going so well, he would smile or say something nice and it would make my day just a little better.


2004

Winter

It started again. Venum lost his job at Masterbuilt for wrestling with some girl. He hurt her shoulder and she told on him getting him fired for horseplay. It was his third offense. Venum landed a job through the temporary agency and started to work only two weeks after he was fired. During this time, he started seeing Melissa again. She was calling over and over and she was coming by the house when I wasn't there. I know this because the neighbor kids would tell me about it in passing. When I asked Venum about it, he said she would sit with him on the porch and talk but they wouldn't even go inside the house. When I asked one of the kids about it, they said that they went into the house and didn't come out for quite some time. I felt crushed..all this time that I thought things were different, they were not. Many times, when his phone rang, he would go outside and pace in the yard talking. One day when he hung up the phone, I called Melissa and asked if she had called him. She told me that she didn't but I could tell that she was lying. After I told her that she wasn't telling me the truth, she got angry and let it all out. She said that they were friends and that there was nothing that I could do about it. She laughed at me and told me that Venum had told her so many things that I had done to him and that she felt so sorry for him. She said that they were really good friends and that they understood each other. I told her that I would get him to see that what he was doing was wrong and she called me on it. She laughed and told me good luck...that he loved her.

That phone call sickened me...sickened me to the point of wanting to pull her hair out...but I couldn't. The church had taught me to turn the other cheek. I told them about what happened and they said...."let's pray about it" They told me to be still and just trust God.


2004

It didn't stop... She had my number now...my house number and she was sick. It is one thing to have an affair and to be the other woman but it's another thing entirely to threaten and stand up to the man's wife. That very idea was just impossible for me to fathom. Everyday when Venum would go to his second shift job, she would talk to him on his breaks. I know this because of what she started doing to me. Every one of his breaks, i knew them...the exact times. They would talk but then she would dial my number and as soon as I picked up the phone, she would hang up on me. This happened every single weekday until I felt like I was going insane. She then had the nerve to call me and ask me if I was calling and hanging up on her. I was astonished at how evil she was...how hurtful. Like I said, it was enough to be fucking my husband...but did you have to torture me with the fact that you were...and more so...I think she enjoyed being evil. Spirit raged within...raged so hard and strong that I had to bite down on something to hold her in. I wanted to find Melissa...go to her house and beat her and ram her head into the floor...but I didn't do that...because...it was ungodly.

So, I kept praying.


2004

Summer

No matter how hard I tried to give this issue to God, I still had anger. I questioned Venum about everywhere he went, I would try to get his phone and look at it when he wasn't around. I even opened the bathroom door and demanded to see his phone. He refused and that was his right. I know I was being a crazy woman but I didn't know what to do. I took care of my babies but I was so distracted that I mindlessly did everything. I tried to concentrate on teaching Dorian things, tried to concentrate on my school but it was just so very hard to do. I told Venum that I knew about everything but he still denied that he was having sex with Melissa. We even took one weekend without the kids to go camping. I was so numb by then and I would just wander off without warning. I said very little but tried to keep the peace between me and Venum. While we were there, Melissa sent him a text message; but he was asleep and did not answer it. I reached and got his phone out of curiosity and read it. The text said...

"You wanted to be alone with HER???  How could you do this to me?"

I put the phone back down and just sat there. I couldn't understand what it all meant. I had just come to the realization of how serious this thing was. I woke Venum and showed him the text. He just deleted it and talked about something else. He refused to talk about what he was doing. As we put the canoe out into the water...I wanted to jump in and sink to the bottom. I wanted to die.

123

2003

Summer

I started to dream at a frequent rate. The dreams were the same as they had always been, they were about my dead children...a little girl with dark brown hair and a little boy with very light hair. They were about the same age and I never understood why, in my dreams, that these children always seemed around the age of 7. But regardless, they were there and they were staring at me, sometimes they would shiver from some unknown chill in the air and sometimes they would be crying. I had to stop this vision, this image....but somehow I guess I deserved to have them here as long as they seen fit. I had not yet told the members of my church about what happened with my dead children and I guess I needed some sort of absolution.

But I dreamed of something different too. In my dream, I saw my father, my earthly father and he was reading from a very big book. The book was so large that it was on a table and it covered half of that table. On closer inspection I saw that the book was a bible. My father's eyes scanned the pages quickly and then he turned to the next pages. He then lifted his head and called to my husband. As Venum entered the spectrum of the dream, my father called him again and motioned for him to join him at the reading of the book. Then my father looked up at Venum and spoke.

"Samuel"

And that was all my father said.

When I woke, I told Venum about my dream and he contemplated the words and then went about his business.

Only two days later, it was Sunday and we went to church. As Damian went up to the children's sunday school, Venum and I went up to the adult sunday school which was being taught by the pastor's son. We crowded into this small room and opened our bibles. The pastor's son started his lesson and he turned to the part in the bible about Samuel. As the pastor's son said the name, Venum and I looked at each other and smiled. Then the pastor's son told the story of how Samuel's mother wanted a child so badly and she prayed to God over and over. When God blessed her with her baby, Samuel, he also told her that she had to give her child to God by taking the baby to the temple and this is where he would stay. So, she was blessed with a child but she also gave him up to God.
when the lesson was over, we told the pastor's son about my dream. He had the strangest look on his face and then he said we needed to talk to his father. So I talked to both the pastor and his wife about the dream and they said that it was prophetic. They said that they were unsure of its meaning but It was from father to son...hence the symbolism with my father and Venum. And so I had confirmation of something that I had known for quite some time. Sometimes, things came to me and they were insites into what was to be. Thing is, I am never sure what to do with these things.


2003

Fall

I had to return to the college to pick up some of my paperwork. I was determined that after Dorian is born, I would indeed be going back to school. I wasn't there long that day either, just in and out and on my way home once more. On my drive home, I thought about lots of things as I always did when I drove. Sometimes, I would pray and sing songs from church. I was well over the first couple of hills on Hwy 30E and I started to rub my huge pregnant belly. I felt Dorian kicking happily and I smiled. I thanked God for giving me a son and I started to pray.

Venum had worked on some of the broken down vehicles that we had in the yard and put together something for me to drive. I was driving the Ciera again but it was some timey.For a while, I had been having trouble with my brakes on my car and Venum had just worked on them again. Well, the car was stopping just fine. EVerything at that moment seemed so very peaceful and tranquil. I was relying on God for so many things in my life and it seemed that maybe I had found the answer that I had been looking for.

I came over another rise and that is when I saw it. In the road, ahead of me was a log truck and it was broken down. On the right side of the log truck was another truck in which someone was out and working on the log truck. On the left bank of the road was a huge van parked there for some reason and there were people milling about everywhere. The traffic from the other side was slowling coming around the log truck and going past me. There was a long line of cars and trucks creeping by the log truck. Basically, the whole road and even the banks on each side were filled with vehicles. I groaned and started to put on the brakes....but they did not work. I pumped the brakes again and nothing. My car was going pretty fast because I had gotten carried away with singing my spirituals. I realized that my brakes were completely gone again. And so I started to panick and then to pray. I knew in my heart that I could possibly survive this accident...it was possible but there was no way that Dorian would survive this too...because he was vulnerable. This was my thought anyway and so I started to pray to God for my child. I said...please God...save my baby...I asked God for my baby and there was nothing more that I wanted. I put my hand on my stomach and cried while keeping the wheel straight. I pumped the brakes furiously as my car neared the commotion. People began to stare at me and probably wondering why I wasn't slowing down. I screamed as I neared the progess.

I wanted nothign more than to save my baby and I promised God that I would devote him to the lord. I would teach him things about God and show him the way he should go. I promised that if God let me have my baby, I would give him back to God in teaching him how to worship God. I meant it too. And as I drew so near to the pile up, I held my breath. Just as I started to reach the back end of the log truck, the traffic parted and pushed to the left bank of the highway. I slid in between the log truck and the first car that was trying to get by. I went past the first car unscathed and as the next car went by me it moved just enough to let me slide by. I could feel the air between us compressed...but we never touched. I slid out of the trap and into the open lane. I was amazed at what just happened. I looked back and saw the gap that I had went through and it was no way I could have fit through the tightness that I had obviously just came through. I pulled over to the side of the road and cried. Then I called Venum and told him about what just happened. When I got off the phone, I looked down at my belly and smiled.

"Samuel....Dorian Samuel"

The dream was not about Venum but about my baby. My father was telling Venum what his son was going to do and how we were to name him.

And I knew what my dream meant and I knew that we would teach him. To this day, he always desires the things of God and he keeps me straight.


2003

Fall

The time had come and passed for his birth. During my pregnancy with Dorian, I was diabetic, had carpal tunnel in both hands and my feet swelled horribly. On top of that, I had terrible heartburn. He was very active inside as well...tossing and turning and even shoving his little feet way out and making a tiny footprint on my belly. This would make me laugh until i hurt. But he didn't want to come into the world adn I believe he realized how safe it was in there. Two weeks after the due date, after sex with his father, I felt the first contractions come but my water never broke. We had no vehicles except for Venum's father's truck and it had no tail lights...and it was 2 in the morning. But we had no choice, we had to go now. So we put Damian up into the truck and we headed to the hospital. I had done this before and i knew the pain that I was in for...and I didn't like that part. This time I was leaving earlier and not screaming and clawing the roof like before.

We get to the hospital and I calmly get in my wheelchair and get settled into a room. Hours went by while I gauged the growing elevation of my contractions. After a couple hours, my aunt arrives along with my father and they take Damian to get something to eat. I wanted him to stay with me but they thought it was better if he didn't. As I felt the contractions getting worse, I start to pray in my secret language...not to disturb anyone but to comfort me...for I kept it as quiet as I could...because your prayers must be done in private and not for the eyes of others.

I felt Dorian pushing downward and the doctor came in to break my water. He inserted this very long rod into my vagina and it hurt. Suddenly the pain intensified and I grabbed hold of the table next to me. They brought me some pain meds then and I felt a little relief. But let me tell you, no matter what they give you, you will feel the pain...unless of course you get an epidural...in which I always refused because I did not want to be numbed from the waist down, it frightened me.

Dorian's birth was easily my most painful birthing of the three. He pushed down and I screamed. Finally they wheeled me into the delivery room and I am foggy about details. I remember bits and peices of his birth but since I recieved the pain meds earlier than with Damian, things are a little blurry. I just remember having him and hearing his very very loud screams. This child screamed so loud that your ear drums rattled...and he still does. He is a very vocal child. When he settled down a bit, the nurse brought him to me and I put him on my breast. I was to breast feed this one as well. I believe firmly that a mother should feed her child in the natural way because it was important in many ways. For one, it si healthier and it was healthier for the bond between mother and child.
As I lay there with Dorian and his father stroked his little bald head...I knew he was special as well as Damian was special and I already knew that they were as different as night and day. Damian came running in and yelling about seeing his little brother...he ws 7 years old then. His little face lit up and he beamed. He begged and begged to hold Dorian but we wouldn't let him because Dorian was just so very fragile. Dorian opened his eyes and looked at his brother and he was quiet.

At that moment...my heart was so full.