129

2005

January

I wasn't feeling well and I had been eating everything in sight. I didn't seem very concerned at first because I knew that there was lots of pressure on me and that this must be normal nervous stomach and anxiety. I kept doing the things that I was doing only being concerned when I started to gain weight around the middle. My pants were getting tighter and tighter and something was definitely wrong with me.

I went to the doctor and talked to her about all sorts of things like how my studies were taking so much of my time along with my two children. I told the doctor that I had many personal problems as well that I was trying to deal with in my head. Right before I started to notice that things weren't right with my health; I was told by my fashion teacher that I had to get a job for internship. Which meant that I had to work at some clothing store for nothing but a grade, as well as go to school and then also cook and raise two children. I was very frustrated by all the responsibility and the nurse said that It was probably nerves that were making me feel bad and gain weight. The nurse did several blood tests and took a urine sample. As I waited in the examining room, I thought about all the things that I was going to have to accomplish. I thought about my messed up relationship with my husband and wondered if it could possibly be saved. I said that prayer again that I had been saying for years. I asked God that if it was possible to save my marriage I wanted to do that very thing....if for no other reason than for the happiness of my two children. I prayed for quite some time before the nurse came back into the room. When she entered, she was smiling.

"Ms. Sherrie, I have some good news. You are pregnant...three months pregnant at that. You mean to tell me that You had no idea that you were with child?"

I was floored; I just sat there and tried to take in what she was saying. Her voice began to fade away slowly into the distance. I looked at her and tried to clear my head.

"What did you say?" I asked her

"I said that you are pregnant!!! Congratulations!!!" she smiled like a crazy little teenager while I just sat there and realized that life just didn't get more complicated than this. Now what?

I gathered my things and went home. I didn't smile at her, I didn't smile at Venum when I got home and I just fed Dorian and Damian like a zombie...in a daze and I realized suddenly why Dorian had been getting mad lately at my lack of milk. He had been biting and clawing at my breast because the milk was going dry. My body had been preparing for a baby whether I knew it or not. My body knew better than I did apparently. But what of all the nasty things and things that Spirit had been doing. Spirit had beaten my ex boyfriend, she had strutted around flambouantly flirting and carrying on and she had been hating and conspiring...even fantasizing about doing terrible things to Melissa...and with this innocent creature growing wildly within her. What did that mean, if it meant anything at all?
I just went about my routine...wondering when I would tell my husband about the new baby. I knew he would be unhappy...so I waited.


2005

January.

I landed an internship at the Salvation Army. It wasn't really what my teacher wanted me to do but it was a good place to get experience in sales and fashion. It is complicated to explain, really. Considering my responsibilities as a parent and my location, it was the best I could do. I didn't know much about my boss there or her sister who was also an employee but  I just went in and done my job as I thought I was supposed to. I was there two weeks when I had my first break down. I was alone in the back room sorting clothes when I started to get depressed. I was familiar with this feeling...so very familiar that I knew what was coming. I looked down at my abdomen and frowned. I knew this new baby was going to ensure that I would never get my husband back to myself. I knew that I would never be skinny again and he would leave me finally for Melissa. The thoughts raced through my head pulling and tugging at me from all corners. My boss's sister came into the room and asked me if I was okay and I waved her away...even she didn't know I was pregnant. When she left I felt like I couldn't breathe and I knew what I had to do. I gripped the table tightly and started to weep. Then something took me over and I began to hit myself in my abdomen...like before, when I killed the other one...the little boy. I hit myself a couple times then I stopped to listen for the others in the front room of the shop. When I saw it was quiet, I did it again. I squeezed with all my muscles and bent over the table pressing as hard as I could. I wanted it out of me. I wanted it out so bad that I hated myself and I hated everything. I just wanted to have control of myself and not be fat, not be unattractive. I wanted a chance to win my husband back to me. I wanted a chance to be as pretty as I could be and then maybe he would notice me over Melissa. I stopped ramming my stomach into the table and I listened for the boss. I didn't hear her so I hit myself again and again and again then I starte to hurt very badly in my abdomen.

Then I stopped...I stopped everything and wished that I had done enough...but I couldn't do anymore. I was in such pain inside and out. I was officially the most degradable, horrible and disgusting monster that I knew in existance. I ran in the bathroom, locked the door and then I cried. When I pulled down my clothes, I bled into the toilet.


2005

January

A couple days later, I felt a pain and hatred toward myself that you could never imagine. I knew what a monster that I had become...I knew it all too well. I knew what I had done at the shop was the last straw with myself. I wanted to end it all right then...I wanted to blow my fucking brains out because I knew what  deplorable human being that I was. I know exactly how dark and demented and also twisted I was. I wanted to end this poor excuse for a human life...that was me, that was spirit...but I could not. The only way I could fix this...fix my soul was to let him live. I went to the doctor again because I was bleeding. The doctor said that the baby was fine.

I knew then that my life was his life and I would live for him. I had tried to kill him and I owed him everything and more and things I could never give him. If he hated me for the rest of my life, I deserved it. I could see this clearly now. Every blow and every strain to push him from my body sent me into convulsions of weeping when no one was around. Damian would see me crying and he would ask me what was wrong. I would lie to him and tell him that I just didn't feel good. Dorian would scream for attention and climb onto my belly. When his little ear would press against my belly, he would grow quiet and he would listen...only then would he smile. He would babble and poke at my belly. These moments made me cry worse. I knew that I did not deserve them at all. If the world were to come and take them away from me, it would be as knives thrusting into me but I would deserve it and they did deserve better. These thought raced through my head as I lay there and just wept...wept because I could not end it all for me. I was the vessel in which this innocent angel was to grow before gracing the world with his beauty. He was a miracle...just as the two before him.
And all I could do was hate myself..and I did that very well.


2005

Spring

I tried to make things right with my baby inside, with God...because I know that God forgives. I went to school everyday and then to work after school. Venum watched Damian when he got off the bus and I picked up Dorian after work from the daycare. Even through our disfunction, we managed to do what we were supposed to do. I told Gavin that I was pregnant one day at school and we started to talk to each other less and less...but I never stopped thinking of him. I still felt a strong pull toward him but I tried to focus on my children. By the end of the semester, I had finished all my work, speeches, shows, displays and etc and I was ready to graduate. I had finished school, despite the hell that I had been enduring and making...I had managed to finish school. I was to be graduating a month before Devon's birth. I remember going to rehearsal, getting my gown and then missing my graduation altogether. That year, my brother and neice were both graduating and Dorian had come down with a stomach virus. My aunt wanted to see my brother graduate as well and there was no one else to watch and take care of Dorian. He was so sick and he was throwing up horribly and there was no way he coudl go to the graduation. His father was working nights still and it turned out that I was the only one who could be there for him. I took a picture with my brother in my cap and gown and then watched them leave for graduation. I took off my cap and gown and  went to take care of my son, feed Damian and sit with Devon as he kicked my stomach wildly. AFter a little while, I took all the kids outside and took pictures of them in the yard playing...it helped my soul.