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2003

Summer

I started to dream at a frequent rate. The dreams were the same as they had always been, they were about my dead children...a little girl with dark brown hair and a little boy with very light hair. They were about the same age and I never understood why, in my dreams, that these children always seemed around the age of 7. But regardless, they were there and they were staring at me, sometimes they would shiver from some unknown chill in the air and sometimes they would be crying. I had to stop this vision, this image....but somehow I guess I deserved to have them here as long as they seen fit. I had not yet told the members of my church about what happened with my dead children and I guess I needed some sort of absolution.

But I dreamed of something different too. In my dream, I saw my father, my earthly father and he was reading from a very big book. The book was so large that it was on a table and it covered half of that table. On closer inspection I saw that the book was a bible. My father's eyes scanned the pages quickly and then he turned to the next pages. He then lifted his head and called to my husband. As Venum entered the spectrum of the dream, my father called him again and motioned for him to join him at the reading of the book. Then my father looked up at Venum and spoke.

"Samuel"

And that was all my father said.

When I woke, I told Venum about my dream and he contemplated the words and then went about his business.

Only two days later, it was Sunday and we went to church. As Damian went up to the children's sunday school, Venum and I went up to the adult sunday school which was being taught by the pastor's son. We crowded into this small room and opened our bibles. The pastor's son started his lesson and he turned to the part in the bible about Samuel. As the pastor's son said the name, Venum and I looked at each other and smiled. Then the pastor's son told the story of how Samuel's mother wanted a child so badly and she prayed to God over and over. When God blessed her with her baby, Samuel, he also told her that she had to give her child to God by taking the baby to the temple and this is where he would stay. So, she was blessed with a child but she also gave him up to God.
when the lesson was over, we told the pastor's son about my dream. He had the strangest look on his face and then he said we needed to talk to his father. So I talked to both the pastor and his wife about the dream and they said that it was prophetic. They said that they were unsure of its meaning but It was from father to son...hence the symbolism with my father and Venum. And so I had confirmation of something that I had known for quite some time. Sometimes, things came to me and they were insites into what was to be. Thing is, I am never sure what to do with these things.


2003

Fall

I had to return to the college to pick up some of my paperwork. I was determined that after Dorian is born, I would indeed be going back to school. I wasn't there long that day either, just in and out and on my way home once more. On my drive home, I thought about lots of things as I always did when I drove. Sometimes, I would pray and sing songs from church. I was well over the first couple of hills on Hwy 30E and I started to rub my huge pregnant belly. I felt Dorian kicking happily and I smiled. I thanked God for giving me a son and I started to pray.

Venum had worked on some of the broken down vehicles that we had in the yard and put together something for me to drive. I was driving the Ciera again but it was some timey.For a while, I had been having trouble with my brakes on my car and Venum had just worked on them again. Well, the car was stopping just fine. EVerything at that moment seemed so very peaceful and tranquil. I was relying on God for so many things in my life and it seemed that maybe I had found the answer that I had been looking for.

I came over another rise and that is when I saw it. In the road, ahead of me was a log truck and it was broken down. On the right side of the log truck was another truck in which someone was out and working on the log truck. On the left bank of the road was a huge van parked there for some reason and there were people milling about everywhere. The traffic from the other side was slowling coming around the log truck and going past me. There was a long line of cars and trucks creeping by the log truck. Basically, the whole road and even the banks on each side were filled with vehicles. I groaned and started to put on the brakes....but they did not work. I pumped the brakes again and nothing. My car was going pretty fast because I had gotten carried away with singing my spirituals. I realized that my brakes were completely gone again. And so I started to panick and then to pray. I knew in my heart that I could possibly survive this accident...it was possible but there was no way that Dorian would survive this too...because he was vulnerable. This was my thought anyway and so I started to pray to God for my child. I said...please God...save my baby...I asked God for my baby and there was nothing more that I wanted. I put my hand on my stomach and cried while keeping the wheel straight. I pumped the brakes furiously as my car neared the commotion. People began to stare at me and probably wondering why I wasn't slowing down. I screamed as I neared the progess.

I wanted nothign more than to save my baby and I promised God that I would devote him to the lord. I would teach him things about God and show him the way he should go. I promised that if God let me have my baby, I would give him back to God in teaching him how to worship God. I meant it too. And as I drew so near to the pile up, I held my breath. Just as I started to reach the back end of the log truck, the traffic parted and pushed to the left bank of the highway. I slid in between the log truck and the first car that was trying to get by. I went past the first car unscathed and as the next car went by me it moved just enough to let me slide by. I could feel the air between us compressed...but we never touched. I slid out of the trap and into the open lane. I was amazed at what just happened. I looked back and saw the gap that I had went through and it was no way I could have fit through the tightness that I had obviously just came through. I pulled over to the side of the road and cried. Then I called Venum and told him about what just happened. When I got off the phone, I looked down at my belly and smiled.

"Samuel....Dorian Samuel"

The dream was not about Venum but about my baby. My father was telling Venum what his son was going to do and how we were to name him.

And I knew what my dream meant and I knew that we would teach him. To this day, he always desires the things of God and he keeps me straight.


2003

Fall

The time had come and passed for his birth. During my pregnancy with Dorian, I was diabetic, had carpal tunnel in both hands and my feet swelled horribly. On top of that, I had terrible heartburn. He was very active inside as well...tossing and turning and even shoving his little feet way out and making a tiny footprint on my belly. This would make me laugh until i hurt. But he didn't want to come into the world adn I believe he realized how safe it was in there. Two weeks after the due date, after sex with his father, I felt the first contractions come but my water never broke. We had no vehicles except for Venum's father's truck and it had no tail lights...and it was 2 in the morning. But we had no choice, we had to go now. So we put Damian up into the truck and we headed to the hospital. I had done this before and i knew the pain that I was in for...and I didn't like that part. This time I was leaving earlier and not screaming and clawing the roof like before.

We get to the hospital and I calmly get in my wheelchair and get settled into a room. Hours went by while I gauged the growing elevation of my contractions. After a couple hours, my aunt arrives along with my father and they take Damian to get something to eat. I wanted him to stay with me but they thought it was better if he didn't. As I felt the contractions getting worse, I start to pray in my secret language...not to disturb anyone but to comfort me...for I kept it as quiet as I could...because your prayers must be done in private and not for the eyes of others.

I felt Dorian pushing downward and the doctor came in to break my water. He inserted this very long rod into my vagina and it hurt. Suddenly the pain intensified and I grabbed hold of the table next to me. They brought me some pain meds then and I felt a little relief. But let me tell you, no matter what they give you, you will feel the pain...unless of course you get an epidural...in which I always refused because I did not want to be numbed from the waist down, it frightened me.

Dorian's birth was easily my most painful birthing of the three. He pushed down and I screamed. Finally they wheeled me into the delivery room and I am foggy about details. I remember bits and peices of his birth but since I recieved the pain meds earlier than with Damian, things are a little blurry. I just remember having him and hearing his very very loud screams. This child screamed so loud that your ear drums rattled...and he still does. He is a very vocal child. When he settled down a bit, the nurse brought him to me and I put him on my breast. I was to breast feed this one as well. I believe firmly that a mother should feed her child in the natural way because it was important in many ways. For one, it si healthier and it was healthier for the bond between mother and child.
As I lay there with Dorian and his father stroked his little bald head...I knew he was special as well as Damian was special and I already knew that they were as different as night and day. Damian came running in and yelling about seeing his little brother...he ws 7 years old then. His little face lit up and he beamed. He begged and begged to hold Dorian but we wouldn't let him because Dorian was just so very fragile. Dorian opened his eyes and looked at his brother and he was quiet.

At that moment...my heart was so full.