100

1999

to step back a moment takes no time at all....doesn't really matter anyway, does it?

spring

They told my father that they could do no more for my mother. They had exhausted all possible ways to save her. They had done Radiation, Chemotherapy and they had administered direct radiation to the tumor in hopes to shrink it for surgery. All of these options had failed...and yet no one would tell her that she was dying. The doctors said that my mother would not be coming back to the hospital and that they would appoint a hospice to take care of her and make her comfortable. They would provide all the drugs needed to help her during the dying process.

My father brought my mother to visit in the spring of 1999. Before the car caught on fire, before I killed another child in my womb and before I realized that I was not a person with no name...just a wife. Yeah, before all this...my father had to come see me and tell me that my mother was dying. Venum's sister was visting that day as well...she is a sweetheart and was always a sweetheart. Me and his sister, we had our differences but funny thing is...I forgot to write them down here...so that tells alot aobut her. Anyway, my mother, father and brother came to visit and it was for a major purpose. After we had all visited around for a bit and they had played with Damian. My father asked me and my brother to go outside for a minute and he made some excuse that I do not remember. He walked out in the yard, far away from hearing distance of the house and this is where he told me. Of course my brother already knew but he knew my reactions and how they were.

When I was 18..my father got mad because my dress was too thin and so he told me to change it. I refused and so he took my car keys away from me. I grew angry and walked out of the house. I kept walking until I was miles away. Many people came to pick me up and but I would swing at them and scream. At some point I found myself digging into the gound with my bare hands...breaking nails buising and cutting myself. I don't know what I was doing but I had dug a pretty big hole when my cousin pulled me into his truck. He said that I was saying I was trying to dig a hole and climb into it to get away from everyone.

so, I guess they were wondering what I would do and so it took a minute for my father to tell me. He said that my mother had 6 months to live at the most. I don't know for how long, but I was numb...then I was angry...then I was sad. It came in cycles...over an over. I did fall to the ground and weep...weep for a while too. I screamed and my brother held my mouth and told me to be quiet because mother did not know. I looked at him with anger and said.

"She knows....she knows more than you think she knows. Don't you think she is aware that her time is very limited???"

They shook their heads at me and told me that they were not going to tell her. That she should have peace for the rest of her life.

I stood and started to run into traffic but Venum's sister caught me and told me to calm down. She held me until I regained what senses I had. It took a while before I could return to the house to face my mother.

I had to lie to her the rest of the day when she kept telling me to do things when she was gone. She kept telling me to make sure I did this adn that. I would just grow angry at lying to her. Her eyes told me that she knew I was lying and they questioned me as to why I was lying to her. This was a very hard day....not just for us but for a woman who never lied to us.


1999

Summer

I would visit my mother a little more during this time as most bad kids do that never really visit their mother as they should. I took Damian to see her and she was now bed ridden but she could talk to us. It had gotten to the point where she couldn't walk at all. I remember the day that Damian was watching cartoons all day long while moma was trying to rest. I told him to cut the television off and have some respect for my  mother. My mother heard me fussing at Damian and she got really upset with me. She told me to have peace with him and let him do things that children do. She kept repeating the word peace for some reason and I think it was the drugs. My father was skinny now, he was greiving horribly and sometimes he would lash out in anger at us kids. I tried not to take it seriously. I saw the hurt in my father and I saw the guilt at how he had treated my mother....the abuse. It was killing him inside. He lost so much weight and I am sure, a little more sanity.


1999

Fall

The days were horrible. When I visited my mother I helped to feed her and I would listen to her talk when she could. The hospice lady told us that she was quitting when mother passed because of something that my mother said to her...and because of the relationship that they had developed. My mother had confessed to the nurse that she was scared and that she did not know if she was going to heaven or hell. My mother was terrified and she most definitely knew that she was dying. The nurse said that my mother had shared so many personal things with her because she wanted someone to tell her that she was not going to hell. The hospice nurse was never the same after talking with my mother. After my mother lost cognition, the nurse would just come and go through the motions and hug us all. It was a slow painful process as it must have been so much worse for my mother. As I write this...on mother's day, I am heartbroken and hollow. I can wish for my mother with all my breath, I can scream for her...tear out my hair...but she will  not be back as she was before.
But, I felt her today...here with me because she knew I had to write her death on this day. I don't know how it fell this way but it did. It came to me today and nothing can take its place ...here in my mind.

The days were horrible. And a year before, I had become a mormon and was baptised in that faith. For months, I had been visited by the missionaries as they taught me the ways of the mormon. I learned about the book of mormon and how it was the lost books of the bible. I was searching for God and at this time, this is where I found him. I had been pentacostal, methodist, baptist, pagan and many more religions and at that point in 98 and 99, I was a mormon. I learned to speak in chruch and learned that If I did not pay my tithes, that I had to have an explaination. That was the ways. There were ancient ways as well that I will not speak of in respect of the faith...in which I no longer agree but I did agree with then. There was the conept of the three levels of heaven in which I was very enamored with at the time and learned so much by the missionaries visit. I was thinking of leaving with them too and traveling as a missionary myself but that never happened with my mother's sickness, my baby and my husband.

The days were horrible and I would kneel with the missionaries and pray for my mother. At some point, my prayers changed. I remember kneeling at the toilet in the bathroom at work and saying to God.

"I know she is going home, God...but I just want to pray that we all can have peace and your love."

And that was it...that was all that I prayed to him because I did not know what to do anymore. I told my supervisor at work that at some point, I may have to leave...because of my mother's impending death. She said it was okay and so I made other plans.

I dreamed of my mother, I dreamed of my dead daughter, my dead son (I always know what my babies are...call it a curse) I dreamed of many things and it was always dark and bloody. In my dreams, my mother had found a new body that she wanted and my fahter was so happy for her. We killed the other woman and gave her body to my mother. I had my mother back and I was so happy...then she died again. My babies were crying in my dreams and all I could do was hold the knife...the same knife that I held before that I did not cut myself with. I held it to my wrists and instead of killing myself I wrote something  into my flesh with the tip of the knife.

 please help me


1999

The day she died....something else died.

I was working that day and I finished the day with a headache. I remember things weren't right in the atmosphere and you can laugh at that if you want..but it wasn't right. It was thick and muggy. Venum was working at a second job he had acquired to support his drug habit. (which is a fact now but was only speculation then)

I came home from work and I could hear a woman's voice in the neighborhood calling to a child. I shrugged it off and walked into my house. I couldn't stop thinking that I should be going to my mothers to be with her but I just sat on the couch. I heard the voice again and I went back outside. I was worried that someone had lost a child and it concerned me. I looked around and saw no one. I went back inside and I heard it louder there. I suddenly realized that It was my mother's voice but my mother hadn't spoken in weeks. I knew in my heart that mother wanted me with her and so I called the missionaries to come and pray for me before I left to go to her side.

The missionaries arrived and prayed for me, giving me the strength to go see my mother. After they left, I heard my mother call me and I could understand what was being said. I heard my mother call my name! I grabbed my purse and left.

When I got to the house, my father was at my mother's side and my aunt was there with Damian for she had been keeping him that week. They said that they couldn't get her to eat anything and so I tried. Everything that I tried to feed her just fell back out of her mouth. I wept openly. Everyone was asking where my sister was and so we started calling for her. Someone finally found her and told her to come quickly that my mother's blood pressure had dropped. He condition worsened so very fast. I called Venum several times but he said he couldn't come till he got off work. I tried to convince him that my mother was not going to make it till then but he said he could not be there. My sister arrived and my mother's blood pressure dropped again. She was totally unresponsive in voice or movement by this time. The nurse said that she had to change my mother's pillow for a clean one. She asked me if I would hold my mother's head up while she changed the pillow and so I did. After the nurse replaced my mother's pillow and I lay her head down upon the pillow....that very moment that I let go of her head, her heart stopped.

My hands were the last ones to touch my mother when she died...and to me, my father was right. I had killed my mother. The hatred in his eyes when I told him that mother forgave him for the things that he done to her, they came back to my mind as I looked at him across the bed. He gave me the funniest look and so I ran from the room. I tried so hard to climb behind the stove where a there was a hole in the wall. I pulled at the stove and pulled but my brother came to grab hold of me. I wanted away...so far away...I just wanted to go away.

I wanted to go where I couldn' hurt anyone else. I looked up at my aunt who held Damian and cried, I looked at my father who stood over me with his hand over his face and I saw my husband standing there reaching for me and I shouted.

"NO! NO!!! NOoooooooooooooooooo! and then ran again....out into the yard. There I looked into the sky at the rolling thunder clouds and I just fell to the earth and wept.

I felt a hand upon my face and turned to see something that looked like an angel. I think I saw myself but a prettier version...I saw a younger version of my mother, maybe. Thing is...I am not sure what I saw...but it giggled and it had wings...and then I realized what it was.

It was the dark thing that I had put away. And she whispered to me.

"You died. So I am here to bring you back....if you want." 

she giggled again and disappeard.