128

2004

I talked to my aunt and told her about the affair with George. While I was telling her about the affair I remembered the letters that George and I had written to each other and I wished I had gotten them back. I told her about my temptation and about what Venum was doing to me. I admit, I should have probably kept those things to myself but I was being eaten alive by guilt, hurt and hatred...not to mention vast confusion. I didn't know which way to turn. I only knew that I wanted to be loved so badly that I ached for it and spent my time daydreaming about it.


2004

I found out that George was living near the Northeast Campus in an apartment complex. I made plans to go see him and get all my personal belongings back. I thought it would be easy enough; just go there, knock on the door and then tell George that I wanted my things back...no problem right, wrong.
I did go there adn knock on the door and Marla answered. Marla was a really fast cycling bi polar and at that time, I had no idea that I was bi polar...so the words freaked me out. I just know now why she seemed so cool to me....she was me in a younger form. I walked into the apartment and she skated out on roller skates. I closed the door behind me and George came out of the other room. He was smiling and started to hug me. I hugged him quickly and proceeded to talk.

"How are you?" I asked first genuinly hoping that he was okay.

he answered quietly that he was okay.

"I came here for my things." I stated frankly

George looked confused then he realized what I was talking about "What things...your letters, pictures and stuff?"

"Yes, my stuff...all of it."

"I cannot give you everything. I want to keep some of it to remember you." George looked very sad.

I didn't care...because I wasn't there....she was...Spirit. "No, I want all my things, George."

I stood and looked around. "where are my things...my letters?"

George stood as well and went to the back room. I followed him into the darkness of his bedroom. There in the corner was a large basket and George opened the top revealing letters and pictures. I gasped at the realization of my things and that I was so close to them but they were not in my grasp.

"This is all of them but I cannot let you have them all. As I said, I want to keep some of them to remember you by."

At this I spoke in anger. "Listen, I have to have those...for my protection. I cannot let there be evidence out here of my infidelity...are you kidding me."

George stood and took my shoulders in his hands "It's okay...i will never do that to you...never hurt you with these letters and no one else will ever have them. I promise you that."

I grew angrier and started to smile. I had recently hurt my previously broken arm and had to put it back in a sling during school and so it was hurting again at the moment. The angrier I got, the more the pain inflamed and thus making me angrier. "You don't seem to understand what I am saying to you! I want my fucking stuff back!"

George picked up the basket as if to guard it and he looked at me in a strange way. I grabbed for the basket and he pulled away. I started snatching letters, pictures and whatever I could grasp from the basket. He grabbed my hand and pulled it from the basket trying his best to keep from getting all my stuff. I started to punch him in the face with my free hand as I grabbed tighter with the other. I saw his glasses fly from his face and then we both toppled into the floor. I forgot about the letters and continued to bash at his face with my fists, my elbows and my knees. I pushed him into the corner and beat him over and over until I felt I could grab my things. I grabbed as many letters, pictures and charms as I could and ran from the apartment. Marla was coming in just as I was running out and I almost knocked her down. I didn't turn back to see what he was doing, I just split. Sherrie was trying to get Spirit out of there before she killed him. Spirit giggled half the way home while ripping up letters and pictures. When we got home, we made a little fire in an old pot and burned away the proof of our sins. Spirit and I sat by the smoldering embers until Venum came home and asked what we were doing...Of course he didn't know Spirit was there and so he wasn't afraid...but he should have been.


2013

So you must see a monster here...you must see someone who is beyond understanding. Humanity is a strange thing and you just don't know the extint of how strange it can be. The human mind is so very fragile and it can bend and waver only so much until it is broken. I know that I am broken...because of the bones that have been broken, the hearts that have been broken and the lives that have been broken. I see myself as human...with the capabilities of any other human if pushed far enough to experience such desperate acts of survival. I am but a part of you that you are afraid of...a part that maybe you have not had the opportunity to use yet...but who knows, maybe you will someday...when someone has you in the corner or trapped underneath the weight of their world...Someday, you may rise up punching, come out fighting and attack for you your own sense of security...no matter how senseless the rest of the world may see it....or no matter how insane it may seem....you may, in time become the animal which rests inside.


2004

Winter

I don't know what happened with George, if he was okay or what...but I just didn't care anymore. I was furious...angry at the world for the life I was in. The only solace that I found was being with Damian and Dorian and obsessing over Gavin. Damian was in school and every afternoon, I would hold Dorian and nurse him singing him songs. I felt the weather getting colder as I was growing colder. I hated how my heart began to harden...I hated how things seemed to change all around me as Spirit took more and more time into her own hands. In church now, every time the songs would say "spirit"...I would giggle causing some of the church members to look at me funny. To counteract this, I would sing stronger and stronger hoping to drown Spirit out altogether but she had grown so very strong since I let her come back. She had her good qualities mind you, she was vibrant and hyper...dancing round and round, singing...but don't piss her off, never ever piss her off because Spirit harbored a rage.


2004

Winter

I tried again to make amends with Venum during the holiday season. The holidays were always the times when the family got closer together and as we all know...mistresses hate the holidays...not to mention, birthdays, anniversaries, valentines and other such holidays. I knew that Melissa was fuming with anger when Venum chose to spend the holidays with his calls to a minimum. Things were actually quieter than most other days and things went peacefully. I told Spirit to behave and I tried to enjoy time with my husband. As I said, calls were minmum but I am sure he had his ways and times to keep his alternative life going...I just tried to ignore it and keep a calm head for his relatives. Because whenever I raised my voice, they never thought he was doing anything wrong...I was always the bad one. My relatives that I associated with were few...my aunt, my brother and my father...and when I fought with vEnum around them, they acting like nothing was even happeneing. So, to make things better, I was just numb to it all and tried to make the best of it.