127

2004

The more that I tried to get Gavin off my mind, the more that I thought about him. I think I tried too hard to get rid of him. But honestly, I don't think I really wanted to get rid of him. He was simply beautiful, inside and out. He was 10 years younger than me but that wasn't the point. I saw him as a man who was very intelligent; far more intelligent than most men his age...and I saw him as being very attractive. And I always saw him, day after day...he was there. Even the days that I would walk onto campus with my head down...i would manage to look up just as Gavin would pass by, thus catching my eye. He really had no idea the way that I felt because he continued to smile at me. I figured that he would freak out if he knew and he would probably never smile at me again. Even though I thought there was a connection, I just could not be sure enought to do anything about it. And I was married...even though my husband cared not to sleep with me nor did he care to be intimate in other ways. So, my brain focused elsewhere. I am not sure when it happened but I think I crossed a line between friendship and into crushing with Gavin...I am sure of it....just don't know the exact time.

I remember when we had to sell tickets for the Battle of the Bands and I saw Gavin in the lobby. I remember talking to him and he just stared at me. I knew he was staring at me because I was staring at him too...or was he staring because I was staring....you see, these things are always so hard to figure out. I just felt hot and bothered and felt giddy the rest of the day after trying to talk to Gavin. He said that he was not going to be in the contest but he would buy a ticket...so that was enough for me.

I wanted to ask him to skip class with me but I chickened out. Me and a friend of mine, Lanice were walking to class when he was getting in his truck. It was a big red chevy and I remember how I called the back fender "hips" because that is how I always knew when I saw him drive by or park or whatever...yes, obsessed is the right word...sigh. So, he talked to us for a moment about why he cancelled with the band and all..says one of the other members quit. I was just looking at him talk..looking at his eyes and then down to his lips...just mesmerized by his presence...and then he smiled. I remember what that felt like too...to look at his smile...how his eyes would close when he smiled and he would just light up the place. I remember wanting to ask him to take me somewhere but I knew I couldn't miss another Accounting class or I would be in trouble...so I just said goodbye and went with Lanice to class. I couldn't concentrate at all...and so I doodled on my notebook.
There were so many little moments here and there...passing on the boulevard, in the hallways, through the park....so many times that our eyes met...but the timing was just awful. One day, I wanted to skip science class and so I did. I lay in the park by the library and just stared up at the trees and birds. After I took a short nap, I walked to the library because I was bored and I saw Gavin there. He was looking up at me and when he saw me looking he looked down and pushed up his glasses...I thought he didn't want to be bothered so I just walked thru the library and thru the other door to the outside again. I just couldn't tell what he was thinking. So many other people were easier to read but not this one. I just felt strange around him or anywhere near him.

Around the time of the Battle of the Bands, I started to feel guilty...really guilty and so I asked Venum if he would come with me to the show. He really didn't want to and he even told me to ask Gavin to take me. I didn't know what to say because it caught me off guard. I just told him that I didn't want to go with another man, I wanted to go with him. He reluctantly said he would go and so that was that. I know why I did this. I did this as a way to keep from doing something that was wrong in case the timing was right for this thing to happen...whatever it was. I thought that this might be the time that Gavin said or did something and I had to do the right thing and ask Venum to go with me. So Venum went and we watched the band for a while. AFter a little bit, Gavin came in and sat behind us and talked to Venum. I joined in a little bit and then I stood and danced with the crowd which was thrashing around quite a bit. I loved the music...metal and and grunge style but with new elements. I was enjoying the music and then Venum said he had to go to the truck and take a nap because he was sleepy. I danced some more and turned trying to get Gavin to join me dancing. He just waved his hand towared me and smiled. After a while, I sat down and rested. I turned and Gavin had disappeard. He stayed gone for quite some time and I watched the show alone. With no warning, I felt a hand in my hair. The hand touched the top of my head and rubbed all the way down the back of my head. I turned and saw that it was Gavin. He smiled and sat behind me. I was thrown a little, not expecting him to touch me but I just kept watching the show. Soon, I turned again when I felt brave enough and he was gone. I didn't see him again all night.


2004

I know that I could have been wrong about it but I thought he liked me...I mean really liked me. Sometimes, You don't really have much to go on except your intuition. I had nothing really...a uncountable amount of hugs from church, a handful of long conversations, a hair rub, a couple handshakes, arm touches, waves, smiles and eye contacts....yep, that obsessed; but I had nothing really. But I felt something and to me, that was something. So, I was reading my poetry book one day and then I knew what I was going to do...and so I talked to Lanice, who, by the way, was good at keeping secrets. I told her that I wanted to tell him how I felt but I was scared. She didn't have lots of advice so I said I would think of something myself then....no thanks to Lanice.

I was reading my poetry book one night at home after the kids were asleep. I came across one of my favorite poems even now. It was called "Neither Spirit nor bird". I felt something as I read this poem and I wanted to give it to Gavin. I wrote it down on a peice of paper and stuffed it into my back pack. The next day, I told Lanice what I wanted to do.

"Lanice, I want to put this in his truck...somewhere in the door or the crack of the window." I held up the peice of paper folded.

"what is it?" Lanice asked.

I smiled nervously..."It's a poem...better yet...can you re write this for me so that it is not in my handwriting?"

Lanice looked at me funny and then said sure, that she would do the deed.

So, I gave Lanice the paper and asked her if she could tuck it somewhere in his door jam or his window or something when he finished it and she said yes.


And here is the poem that I gave to Gavin in 2004 when I was 28 and he was 18:


Neither spirit nor bird;
A Shoshone love song
 Neither spirit nor bird
That was my flute you heard
 Last night by the River.
 When you came with your wicker jar
 Where the river drags the willows,
 That was my flute you heard,
 Wacoba, Wacoba,
 Calling, Come to the willows!

Neither the wind nor a bird
 Rustled the lupin blooms,
 That was my blood you heard
 Answer your garment's hem
 Whispering through the grasses;
 That was my blood you heard
 By the wild rose under the willows.
That was no beast that stirred,
 That was my heart you heard
 Pacing to and fro
 In the ambush of my desire,
 To the music my flute let fall.
 Wacoba, Wacoba,
 That was my heart you heard
 Leaping under the willows.

And Lanice threw that poem into the back of his truck. I never knew...never and not today whether or not Gavin actually found that poem. It will always remain a mystery...like so many other horrid unanswered questions just sitting in the corner of my mind bringing wonder.