124

2003

The members of our church cooked meals for us as I was healing from Dorian's birth. For a whole week, we recieved a whole meal from a different member. Then Melissa came over to see the baby and brought food...even as forgiving as I had become, I still felt strange vibes from her. Of course I showed my appreciation for the food she brought. She had had a baby as well, about a year previous and she brought him with her. I noticed that her son and Dorian looked a lot alike. I also tried to put this out of my head and try to do as God would want me to do.

It wasn't that things were always as they should be, it was just that I dealt with it in a different way now. The church was teaching me to give everything to God and he would handle it, he would be my vidicator. There was no need for revenge. Whenever Spirit would rise up to say something about injustice, I would quiet her and sit alone for a while until she was settled down. She would get giddy and excited and so we would sing songs or pray in the secret language. With Spirit inside, my prayers were furious, strong and forceful. It was an odd sight to be honest and sometimes, I would recieve pats on the back for my testimonies....but they still didn't know where my furvor came from.


2004

Winter

It was cold and wet and water was all over the floor. Despite Venum's changes, he was still reluctant at fixing our home. The roof had been leaking for quite some time and I was now putting all my pots and pans on the floor to catch the rain water....and I would pray. I would pray for this and for that and the other thing. I prayed all the time while grinding my teeth together and they would stoke me on. The elders kept telling me to not give up on what i wanted...that God would give me my heart's desire in his will.



2004

Winter

I returned to school and resumed my major in FAshion Marketing. Gavin, one of the youth from church, also went to college where I attended. Gavin was a wonderful young guy who was only 18...fresh out of college and very close to God. He was part of the praise and worship team at church and could play guitar. He was very funny too and many times we all shared a good laugh. He had majored in liberal arts and I saw him everyday at school...then on Sundays and Wednesdays as well. Some days when things weren't going so well, he would smile or say something nice and it would make my day just a little better.


2004

Winter

It started again. Venum lost his job at Masterbuilt for wrestling with some girl. He hurt her shoulder and she told on him getting him fired for horseplay. It was his third offense. Venum landed a job through the temporary agency and started to work only two weeks after he was fired. During this time, he started seeing Melissa again. She was calling over and over and she was coming by the house when I wasn't there. I know this because the neighbor kids would tell me about it in passing. When I asked Venum about it, he said she would sit with him on the porch and talk but they wouldn't even go inside the house. When I asked one of the kids about it, they said that they went into the house and didn't come out for quite some time. I felt crushed..all this time that I thought things were different, they were not. Many times, when his phone rang, he would go outside and pace in the yard talking. One day when he hung up the phone, I called Melissa and asked if she had called him. She told me that she didn't but I could tell that she was lying. After I told her that she wasn't telling me the truth, she got angry and let it all out. She said that they were friends and that there was nothing that I could do about it. She laughed at me and told me that Venum had told her so many things that I had done to him and that she felt so sorry for him. She said that they were really good friends and that they understood each other. I told her that I would get him to see that what he was doing was wrong and she called me on it. She laughed and told me good luck...that he loved her.

That phone call sickened me...sickened me to the point of wanting to pull her hair out...but I couldn't. The church had taught me to turn the other cheek. I told them about what happened and they said...."let's pray about it" They told me to be still and just trust God.


2004

It didn't stop... She had my number now...my house number and she was sick. It is one thing to have an affair and to be the other woman but it's another thing entirely to threaten and stand up to the man's wife. That very idea was just impossible for me to fathom. Everyday when Venum would go to his second shift job, she would talk to him on his breaks. I know this because of what she started doing to me. Every one of his breaks, i knew them...the exact times. They would talk but then she would dial my number and as soon as I picked up the phone, she would hang up on me. This happened every single weekday until I felt like I was going insane. She then had the nerve to call me and ask me if I was calling and hanging up on her. I was astonished at how evil she was...how hurtful. Like I said, it was enough to be fucking my husband...but did you have to torture me with the fact that you were...and more so...I think she enjoyed being evil. Spirit raged within...raged so hard and strong that I had to bite down on something to hold her in. I wanted to find Melissa...go to her house and beat her and ram her head into the floor...but I didn't do that...because...it was ungodly.

So, I kept praying.


2004

Summer

No matter how hard I tried to give this issue to God, I still had anger. I questioned Venum about everywhere he went, I would try to get his phone and look at it when he wasn't around. I even opened the bathroom door and demanded to see his phone. He refused and that was his right. I know I was being a crazy woman but I didn't know what to do. I took care of my babies but I was so distracted that I mindlessly did everything. I tried to concentrate on teaching Dorian things, tried to concentrate on my school but it was just so very hard to do. I told Venum that I knew about everything but he still denied that he was having sex with Melissa. We even took one weekend without the kids to go camping. I was so numb by then and I would just wander off without warning. I said very little but tried to keep the peace between me and Venum. While we were there, Melissa sent him a text message; but he was asleep and did not answer it. I reached and got his phone out of curiosity and read it. The text said...

"You wanted to be alone with HER???  How could you do this to me?"

I put the phone back down and just sat there. I couldn't understand what it all meant. I had just come to the realization of how serious this thing was. I woke Venum and showed him the text. He just deleted it and talked about something else. He refused to talk about what he was doing. As we put the canoe out into the water...I wanted to jump in and sink to the bottom. I wanted to die.