101

1999

August

As those things that live have needs, so those things that die have needs as well. The needs of the dead are few but the chore of doing them seems to be the hardest things to accomplish. The time wags by so slowly while making those preparations and the heart gets ripped open over and over as the pages are turned, the fabrics are pulled forth and the voices from the other rooms shift and waver like the atmosphere. Understanding the feeling of death and enduring the aftermath of death is very tricky and sickening indeed. And so we embarked upon this mission that would change us all.
Willie Nelson is what I was listening to when I decided to return home from my mother's house. "You were always on my mind"...that was the one, I believe. I had stayed with my father and brother for 3 days after my mother died. After the funeral, after the visits...and they were solomn and horrible. Faces of my mother's family would pass through and I would not know them. My father had denied us for years from knowing my mother's family because they were different. They were mostly of Native American descent and my father thought they were dirty, simple people. I will no longer lie for him as I will no longer lie for myself in saying that most of the people who were related to my mother...I did not know. I did however know a handful of her family that I loved and still love dearly. I saw my uncle there at the funeral and my little cousin Bobby. My sister, who was also my second cousin, was by my side despite the looks from her husband, as my husband came near to us. Despite my mother's death, there was still racism that flowed freely amongst my family but I met it with a hateful glare as soon as I saw the seeds of the monster.

I did return home, though, as I said and things should have been different. But they were not any different than before. Venum still went out to buy drugs, I still had to return to work and Damian still cried for me when I would cry for his father and thus the cycle continued.


1999

I remember the night that Tiffany came over and she took sexy pictures of me. I remember having a rather heated kiss with her that Venum watched and was turned on by while he hid my son's eyes from the spectacle. But, nothing else happened between us. I remember Tiffany promising to give me the pictures but she never did.

Another time that she came over, I saw the looks between her and my husband and I knew that if something hadn't already ocured between them, then it soon would happen. I decided to stay away from her and see if she wandered back over here again.


2000

I was told that I had to have surgery. The endometriosis had gotten worse and my uterus was really playing havoc on my backbone. I went in for surgery one morning with the nurse telling me that there might be a chance that I would not wake up. That terrified me until I heard that they told that to everyone who had surgery.

I woke in my room after the surgery to see Venum and Tiffany in the room. I hadn't even told Tiffany that I was having surgery that day or any day. Even though I was under the effects of drugs and I was dizzy; I was angry to see Tiffany in the corner talking to my husband. I tried to say something but I was in so much pain that I fell back to sleep. When I woke up, she was gone and only my husband was there in the room with me. My aunt had Damian again while I was in for surgery so I wasn't worried about my son at all. I rose from the bed and looked at Venum for a moment. We talked about the surgery and when I was going home. Then I asked him if I really had seen Tiffany there in the room. He said that she was there and that he had told her to come see me. I just kept everything else to myself but I was feeling angry. I decided right then and there that I would keep my friends away from him. I know it seemed nice of him to invite her to come see me but I was getting a feel for Venum's real intentions. I was beginning to see through the thin veneer of what was my husband. I know it seems ridiculous...but I knew that there was more to it than Tiffany's concern for me....she was there to be with Venum as much as anything. Us women, we know these things.


2000

It got worse...the infidelity. The secrets that no one thought I knew about. Venum started carrying two phones. One was for business and the other was just his personal phone. The truth is...one was for normal calls and the other was for the ones that I wasn't supposed to know about. I know now how this works. One was for the women whom he wanted to see behind my back. I have learned over the years that there are so many ways to get away with something that you don't want anyone to know about. I can say, that I have become an expert on the subject by mearly being a victim. No kidding here, in this aspect. It got worse. Melissa would call Venum because I would see their number on the 'business' phone. Venum would be busy doing something and his drug state would make him forget that he left the 'business' phone on the table inside the house. It would ring and I would pick it up to carry it to him. I would happen to see the number and realize that it was Michael and Melissa's number. You see, Michael was an asshole but I tried to tolerate him. So sometimes, I would like to answer the phone with a joke or insult...just trying to be funny before I gave the phone to Venum. More times than not, it was his wife Melissa that was calling to talk to my husband. Not long after Venum got off the phone, he had to go out. He stayed gone sometimes for hours. One time when he walked past me, he smelled funny. I hate to admit this...but being bisexual, I recognized the smell of pussy on my husband and so I questioned him. I was very angry and we fought for a long time. I told him that I would find out what he was doing and he laughed at me.


2000

summer

I remember the day so clearly. I remember that Venum and I had been arguing and arguing for a long time about his drinking. Since the accident, Venum had stopped drinking for a while. Then, right before my mother's death, he started drinking again. He was worse than before, he would drink so much that he would pass out in the yard, in the floor and sometimes in his car in the blinding heat. So we talked about it again and he reluctantly agreed to stop drinking.

One day...that fated day...I got the feeling that he had been drinking because he came home and went straight to bed. He smelled funny too. I asked him if he had been drinking and he denied it. When he was fast asleep, I opened his trunk and found both beer and whiskey that had been opened. I went inside and woke him up fussing and ranting. He got up and started to get mad at me. We argued for a long time until he got in his car and drove away. I was alone with my anger. I picked up Damian and sat on the porch swing thinking things over. The longer I thought about things, the sadder I got. I went into the house and put Damian in the playpen and started to pace the floor. Suddenly, my mood dropped again and I started to cry. I tried to call Venum but he wouldn't answer. I was going to apologise for being so mean to him..for fussing and arguing and trying to make him do something that he didn't want to do. I grew darkened on the inside suddenly, as if a cloud had passed over me and was raining down black drops covering my mood turning it rotten.

I stopped pacing and I knew it was over...everything was over....it was over for us all. I went into the bathroom where I found a bottle of Tylenol and a bottle of something else. I didn't even read the label of the other thing...I have no idea what it was. I went into the living room and looked at Damian. I picked him up and put him into his bed because he was falling asleep. I kissed him on the head and said that I was sorry for what I was about to do. I told him that I couldn't bear it anymore and I was so sorry to leave him.

I opened the bottle and shook half the tylenol into my throat. I opened the other bottle and swallowed the three or four pills that were in that one as well. I took the tylenol bottle back into my hand and when I did, a car pulled into the driveway.

I ran to the door and it was Venum. He pushed the door open and told me to get the fuck out and that he wanted a divorce. I started to fight with him and tell him that I was sorry...but I was grabbing his arms and things like that. I went and stood in front of the front door to block his way and he turned back toward the living room. He screamed and beat his fists on the wall. Then he came for me...He put both his hands around my throat and pulled me to the floor. He choked me so long that I started to black out. Then he started punching me in my stomach, my legs and around my shoulders. For some reason, he wouldn't punch me in the face. I was climbing and crawling...getting away from him while begging him to stop...telling him that I loved him. I watched him stop for a moment and claw at his face screaming. He made for the door again and I jumped in front of him. He stopped and yelled at me spitting into my face. He told me if I did not move out of the way that he would kill me. I just wept and my vision was blurring badly. I felt my body shaking and my hands were going numb. I cried but I would not move. Venum turned and grabbed his sword and pulled it from the case. He told me again that If I did not move, he would kill me. I cried harder and slipped down onto the floor in front of the door. Venum drew the sword back and I reached up to sheild myself and maybe try and grab the sword from him. When I reached up, the sword came down against my wrist and cut it open. I saw the most beautiful plume of red blood squirt onto the sword and run wildly down my arm. I gasped at the sight and brought my wrist back to my face to look at it. I was high...intoxicated by the drugs that I had taken but I was still lucid enough to rise from the floor. Venum grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the living room while holding the sword in the other hand. He threw me onto the floor and went to the babies room. I heard Damian crying in the other room so I got back up and went to see about him. Venum had pulled Damian from his baby bed and was holding him. I rushed and took Damian away from Venum and started to cry harder. Blood was pouring out and down my arm. I had gotten blood all over my face and it was getting all over the rest of my body as well. It was coming out of my wrist pretty fast and was getting all over Damian. I went to the phone to call for help but Venum shoved me down again and cut the phone lines so that I could not call anyone. Then he ran out the front door.

I stood with Damian and wobbled out the back door. I saw my neighbors standing there wondering what all the commotion was. They saw me and gasped. The woman that was standing there, she put her hand over her mouth and her husband rushed back inside. I don't remember much until the ambulance got there. The police were there too and they said that my husband had fallen asleep on the front porch holding the sword in his hand. They asked me to tell them where the drugs were that he was on. I was so angry that I told them where the weed was because as far as the other stuff was concerned...I never knew where he hid those drugs.

I remember someone taking my baby...I remember riding in the ambulance and then I remember my father's sad face.

I remember lying on the hospital bed talking to a councellor while some nurse stitched up my torn wrist.

I just remember lieing to them and promising them that I wouldn't go back to him.

But I knew...even with my own blood all over my body, bruises covering every inch of me...that I would go back and nothing would stop me.


2000

Before the attack...


I was weak

I was very weak and I started having feelings for Venum's best friend at the time. Between the time that moma died and when Venum put me in the hospital, I starte to really like being around Jeff.
During the time that Venum was working all these second jobs, he landed one where he met a girl named Sam...yes another girl. Well, it came to my attention that he had tried to sleep with her as well. So, I would confide in his best friend Jeff as to what I thought was going on. Jeff had this bird too, and I loved that bird. I think it was a Cocatau or however you spell that. And of course, Jeff was a christian as well and I was attracted to the godliness of this man. He was kind, he was such a gentleman and he was so very funny. He was an older man, being 47 years my 25 year senior. But to me, that didn't matter. Well, the more he told me about Samantha and Venum's friendship, the more I drew close to him. After a while, I just drew closer to him regardless. I started to go over to his house with Venum's permission. Venum didn't seem to care at all and so I went with the idea of seeing the tropical bird. When I would go see Jeff, we would get closer. We finally kissed and then we made out. I never slept with him but I came close. One night when I was with Jeff and we were holding each other, he told me that he loved me. I think that is when I realized that I did not love him and I freaked out. I never went back there again. I was done with Jeff and regardless to whatever Venum was doing, I couldn't love Jeff.

When I was gone from Venum after the attack, I called to tell him about my feelings that I had had for Jeff during the past couple months. I wanted things to seem fair for us. I know that Venum had threatened to kill me, beaten me up and hurt me but I had been doing secret things behind his back as well. I had been kissing his best friend confiding in him. I felt so bad about it all and I just couldn't go forward with these things against my husband and nothing against me. I was not perfect either. So we decided to get back together which infuriated my family to no end. They said that I was damaging Damian by putting him through all this and we probably were....yes, we definitely were. My family went through hell because of me and I know that now.

It was just so much, the drugs, the infedelity and the hatred. I rode home with Venum in a car that his father had given him and I wondered waht was in store for us now. How could it possibly get any worse.

I thought of the dark thing...and the night that my mother had died. I wondered if it really was that simple. Just to call upon her and she would come back to me.

But how...what was her name...what was the way...

I thought of the Scorpians song....'send me an angel'. I cried silently while staring out the car window.