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2005

Summer

After Devon was born, neither Venum nor I had a job for at least a month. During this time, we lived off whatever he made doing body work on cars in the back of the house. Even though we didn't really have much money, Venum bought a pool and we all played in the pool off and on during the day. Venum's friend Cody came over and we all hung out and played in the pool. After a while, Venum started managing a shop again and making whatever money he could according to the jobs that he had. It didn't take me long to find out that he was seeing Melissa again. I went to take him lunch one day and saw her truck parked in the shop. I asked him about it and he said that her husband needed some work done and he was working on the truck for him. On another occasion, I went to the shop and she was there. As she was leaving she told me that Venum was with her when I was calling him to come to the hospital for Devon's birth. She said she kept telling him that he should be with me but he wouldnt leave. If hadn't had Devon in my arms that time, I might have hit her. I never quite had the opportunity to do what I wanted when I seen her. She jumped in her care, laughed at me and drove away. When I asked Venum about what she said, he denied it. He always denied he. He had this gift of taking my face into his hands, rubbing my hair from my eyes and telling me that he promised that she meant nothing to him, that she was crazy and she was a liar. It was weird...I somehow felt sorry for her because of the way my husband fucked her and then called her crazy. The world was such a disgusting place filled with some of the most dispicable people and I wasn't the only dispicable one.


2005

Fall

I went to visit my father and took the kids. He wasn't doing to well by then and I wanted to try and spend as much time with him as possible. Ever since my mother died, he hadn't been the same. Every Christmas and every other holiday in which they had spend together, he was miserable. His health began to decline gradually since her death and he was now having dialysis twice a week, had endured another heart surgery and other small things were wrong with him. The most recent problem he was having dealt with his nerves. He was losing the feeling in his fingertips. This seemed to disturbe him the most and he talked to me about it. He told me that it was horrible to him because he wanted nothing more than to feel the boy's soft curls beneathe his fingertips. He said that the inability to do that made him very sad. The doctors said that the feeling was was also going away because of his diabetes and that it was getting much worse. The doctors said that his diabetes was the root of most of his problems and that he needed to eat better. My father's opinion on eating better was very strong. He felt that if he couldn't eat whatever he wanted, he had rather die. My father's health deteriorated at a rapid rate when he decided that he just didn't give a fuck anymore. I took my children to see him on a more regular basis and he grew to really love Devon. I can say that he had the opportunity to meet them all.


2005

Fall

Cody, Venum's best friend, joined the National Guard and both Venum and I thought he was insane. No much longer after Cody joined, he had talked Venum into joining as well. I was shocked but there was really nothing that I could do to change his mind. Venum brought a recruiter to the house to talk to me and tell me what the Guard consisted of. Before the recruiter left, we were promised so many things to help us out as a family...most of which were lies. We did recieve a nice bonus for Venum joining. He was to report to take his test in a couple of weeks... and so he started to study for the test.

2006

Spring (April)

My father's health had gotten much much worse and he was giving my aunt a very hard time with is attitude. He was irritable and then other times he would just sleep. His eyes began to get glassed over and drawn. I decided to go see him more often and I tried to do that. One day, I decided to go was on a Sunday. I took the children with me and decided to cook lunch for him. My father was used to my mother's cooking and he was always so very critical of my cooking. He never had a completely positive thing to say about my cooking. Even though I thought I could cook pretty good, nothing could compare to mother. That day, I should have known that somethign was wrong because he ate everything on his plate and said that it was very good. And I had followed his diabetic cookbook to the T. I talked to him at the table and noticed that his eyes were even more glassed over than before. He seemed like he was on some drug. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I let the kids sit in his lap and hug him as well. He had just had a procedure done the day before which consisted of having some sort of clot pushed out of his arteries. I never really understood what it was about and so I talke to my aunt while I was there as well. Before I left, daddy went to bed and slept. I tried to rouse him to say good bye but he mumbled. So I left him there with my brother.
Deep within the night, my brother called and said that they had to rush him to the hospital. When morning came, I we all went to Tupleo to the hospital to see my father. They said he was in the intensive care in a coma....the outlook was bad.


2006

April

The family said that he had gotten out of bed sometime within the night and fell on his face. He did not get back up. When my brother found out he was in the floor, he turned him over thinking he was dead. My father was still breahting and my brother called 911. The report was that when the procedure pushed out the clot, it traveled to my father's brain and he suffered from an aneurism. The doctors said that it was very unlikely that my father would survive this...and we just had to wait and see what happened. They said if he lived he would simply be brain dead. So we waited and hoped for a miracle because our church family believed in prayer. The elders came, the other family came and we waited. From Monday until Friday, we waited and we came and went. During the day, we played poker in the waiting room and we read magazines. My brother in law came with my sister and their two kids and he was forced to be face to face with Venum. Finally, after all these years, they made peace with each other. But honestly, I didn't know if I really cared anymore. I was wanting my daddy to talk to...I was wanting my mommy to talk to and I had neither of them to talk to. I went to my brother because he was the only one who understood me at all. He was there with me until the end and I am forver grateful for that. On Friday, my father's blood pressure dropped drastically and my memories started to flood me again...like with mother. I rememered that I was always my daddy's little girl. Everywhere that he went, i wanted to go. Although he beat me and he was hard on my by screaming and yelling at me; he was my daddy..my hero...and he was leaving me forever. My heart started to really hurt and finally I felt the full pain. Everyone and everything around me disappeared and it was only me and him. It is truly sad that we do not recognize how much someone means to us until we are watching them leave us....it is true. WE wait and we wait and we think that there will be another day when there is none left...it is over. And so that day was here and I was rotten to myself again...I was wishing back my whole life and time that I left him alone with his grief. I wanted my daddy and so I went to his bedside and lay my hand on his cheek. I only knew one thing that I wished to say to him.

"Daddy, I love you and I will always be your little girl."

Now, you have to understand. The doctors said that he could not respond, he could not see, nor could her hear anything. He was only breathing and he was leaving gradually. They said we could talk but there really was no need because he would never understand what we were saying. But I think they were idiots.

I told my daddy that I would always be his little girl and I saw something amazing. A tear rolled down my daddy's cheek and I saw him smile. It was amazing, I tell you...that smile. I was just like when he would look down at me when I would get dirty or I would tug at his pants leg. I fell on his chest and cried...then I had to leave the room. As soon as I left, I heard them yell and call for me. When I came back to his bedside, he was gone.