109

2001
The time I ran away

The cop dropped me off at George's house and he was surprised when he came to the door. I told him that I hated my husband and that I was done with him. I was leaving. I told George that my aunt had my son and I would have to go get him the next week and I had no idea what I was going to do.
George welcomed me in and we talked all afternoon. I even called my aunt to tell her what happened. I don't know why I always got her involved in my drama but I did none the less. People started to come over and listen to Josh play the drums and to get high with them. I joined in and took several hits off the blunt they were smoking. They also had X and I had a double stack and had sex with George. It was different but no more exciting than when I had sex as Spirit. Having sex as Spirit was always sort of otherworldly because she was dominant and passionate. So, with doing the drug X, it felt strange at first but no more strange than entertaining myself at certain times in my life. I wasn't a virgin after all, when it came to drugs.

We spent the night partying and I didn't think of Venum at all that night. The next day, I didn't go to work , after all it was only a matter of time until the plant was going to be closing and it really didn't matter how many days that I missed. I sat at George's house and thought about so many things. Then I started to think of Venum and how much I really loved him. I thought about all the things that we had been through and the fact that he had no idea where I was. I changed my thoughts and just started to draw things in George's sketchbook. Then I started reading his 'People of the Wolf' book. I found that I really enjoyed reading the book and so I continued. When George came home from work, I kept reading the book. He tried to talk to me and get my attention but I just wanted to read. I called to check on Damian and found that he was doing okay. So, then I read the rest of the book that night. When George left the next morning, I decided to walk down to the shop that our neighbor Rusty worked and get him to take me to pick up my car. When we got to my house, I saw that Venum was at home. When I went inside, he was cleaning up the house. I spoke with him but did not tell him where I had been. We started to talk about why I left and about trying to make things work. When I spoke of him doing the cocaine, he acted like he didn't do those sorts of drugs. But I wanted to go home, I missed him and I wanted things to work. In my mind, George was fading and Venum was taking his place again and I knew why. There had been years between us and only months with George...and I didn't really know George after all. He was only someone who could tell me who I was...not someone whom I longed to be with ....or at least this is what I was thinking at the tiem being. And so,  I told Venum that I had to leave for a bit but I would come back. I went to George's house and put the key under the door and I went back home to help Venum clean the house.


2001

George was hurt and angry by the fact that i went back to my husband. He was so angry that he left work and shaved all the blond hair from his head. He said that he felt as if something had died and when there is a death, the Lakota people would cut off all their hair. I found him to be proposterous and so I got angry too. I told him that we could only be friends and that he would just have to get used to this fact.


2001

Summer

Venum and I got a puppy from the neighbors and she was beautiful. She was a cream colored Husky and we named her Buffy. Buffy became good friends with Prince almost immediately. They played together and ran through the house like wild animals. She was just a baby but Prince showed her the ropes. It seemed like things were getting better gradually and I tried to have hope in this.


2001

Summer

But things did not get better. After Venum saw that I was content at home again, he started to drink heavily and stay gone for long periods of time. His father started taking him places that involved drinking, smoking and other things such as that. He started to beat the dog when he would have an accident in the house and he started to threaten the dog with his sword again. Instead of fighting with him, I withdrew and thought about George. I also started to think horrible things about Venum.  IF he had been cruel to me all the time, then it would have been easy to leave and stay gone. But it was the fact that he changed periodically from good to bad and he was manipulative and calulating that made it hard to be consistant in what I should be doing. I was, at this point lost in myself...I began to look again for my spirituality for some form of why God thought I should live. I turned to cutting myself again and to being self destructive. Only then...did I find peace in a strange way.

I went through spirit into the unknown. I started to talk to George again and borrow his books. I read every book he had on Native Spirituality and there I found where Spirit loved to be. I found somthing called the "One"

The "One" is the all of everything....where everything becomes nothing in its fullnesss of the One. The spiral of life flows through the One and into the nothing.

There...in the One...there is no death because we become nothing when we are in consciousness of our everything...which in turn is again nothing.


How can you eat the poisonous mushroom, drink the Alconitum and inhale the poisonous fumes?

You become that thing which wishes to destroy you...you become part of the everything of that moment....thus you become nothing and nothing has power over nothing and nothing can die.