107

2000

I was learning more and more martial arts from Venum. As he went to his classes, I would then ask him to teach me things. Even though he was out with who knows who....whenever I got the chance I would ask him to show me what he learned. He was so proud of what he learned and I think he loved to show off what he learned, so he never minded showing me those things. Some times he was drunk but he would still show me what he knew. One time in particular, he picked me up, swung me around and slammed me down on our glass table...breaking it into peices. I was shocked but I still came to him to learn more. I was put in the center of the room and told to make defensive stances over and over. He would yell commands and I would move, then he would yell a different command and I would move again...this would last for quite some time. Then I would take the sword and do the Skinkendo stances...turning a circle and swining the wooden sword that I practiced with. Then I would stand and throw punches at Venum and have them deflected each and every time. I grew exhausted from the practicing. At some point, he told me to punch him and I did. Then he said harder and I did that as well. Then he laughed at me and told me that I was holding my hands and thumbs wrong and so he showed me how to throw the right punch. I hit him and he said it was better but I must practice. The thing within loved to learn these things and so we kept trying..night after night...during the day, I would talk to Rides about 'other things'.


2000

Fall

I told Rides lightning that I wanted to come over on some Friday that we didn't have to work. So I got dressed and left as though I was going to work. I went up to George's house and knocked on the door. Since there was no answer, I went around and knocked on the windows. A girl looked out the window at me and frowned so I went round to the other window and knocked. George looked out the window and smiled...then he shut the curtains. I heard feet thumping the floor as he ran to unlock the door for me. I went inside and looked around. It was just a hippie den or something. I looked at all the posters on the walls, the bongs on tables and I could see the drum set in one of the other rooms. There in front of the drums, a girl rose from the floor and rubbed her head. She walked into the living room where George was letting me in the front door, and she smiled at me. she said her name was Ellen. I shook her hand and then followed them into the room with the drum set. Ellen said she was Josh's girlfriend and that Josh was George's roomate. I sat on the floor with them and just waiting for someone to start the conversation. George and Ellen started to talk as they rolled a joint. Smoking weed was normal for me and so I just waited to join in on smoking. As we talked and smoked, George moved around and sat behind me putting his legs around my waist and his arms on my shoulder. I was playing with the sucker that I had in my mouth when he started to nuzzle into my hair....sniffing my ear. I felt him and it gave me shivers. I heard him whispering into my ear about his other, but I couldn't make out exactly what he was saying. I licked my sucker and stared at Ellen as she laughed and laughed about some silly thing. Her voice began to fade into the background with the sound of the stereo. Rides lightning was here and George was gone...I heard him say that and I turned toward his face. He kissed me and pushed my hair from my face. His eyes were blue again and he was smiling. His hair was darker and his face held some ancient thing that I could not explain. I just knew that I had no power as long as Sherrie was here and I did not know where my other was...or why she wouldn't come to save me from whatever might happen. Rides scooped me up and carried me to his room. He took off all his clothes and then proceeded to take off mine. I then felt her presence moving up my body like a wave of fire and I giggled. I rose from the bed and then stood upon the mattresss.

"I am here now, Rides...no need to pursuade me with your boy like charms."

I stripped down to nothing and pulled him to me. And this was what my other desired....and so it was.
It was intense to say the least and there was words that came and went of some other language...German, I believe. I heard things that wafted up and around as he pumped so deep inside. I took his breath into my own body and then expelled it back into his mouth. I could almost see the spirits moving back and forth between us. I was there..inside my body screaming and crying with shame....but I was there as well, moving and writhing with pleasure. It was the oddest things a human could imagine...being trapped within their own desires. My other shhhhd me and told me that it was alright and that I deserved this. That God would approve of this because of my pain. I listened to her and I quieted my whimpering inside...locked inside...and I let go.

When it was over, I stared at the clock knowing that I had to take Venum his lunch. I remember staring at George's alarm clock for a very long time and then pushing him off me. I told him that I might not be able to do this again and that I felt really bad. I left and went back home.

When I got into the shower, I cried horribly...I scrubbed myself so hard that I almost bled on several parts of my body. I was horrified and shamed. I was hoping that I could wash away what I had done but I knew that it was impossible. I screamed thinking that my screams could make the past not be real but it was.

I got out of the shower and cooked lunch for my husband. When I got to this work, he got in the car and kissed me. We started talking about things and in my mind, I was hoping that he didnt' notice anything odd about me. I was always such a paranoid person that I thought people could see my soul and what i had done in secret...but who knows. I will never forget what Venum said at lunch that day though and it made me feel horrible. He said that he was starting to think that it wasn't worth it to do wrong anymore....it never paid off. I really don't know what he meant by that but I keep thinking of it as if It were God telling me that he was going to get me.


2000

I said I wounldn't go back but I did go back. The next day, I went back to George and let Rides play with my other. They seemed to be very compatible with each other. After sex, we sat and talked about spiritual things and things that most people that I knew did not talk about. He would stroke my hair and place kisses upon my cheek and then he would whisper into my ear about how he wanted me again. I moved my hand to his crotch and felt his hardness against his jeans and it would excite me to no end. As usual, we would have wild sex as we mumbled words in foreign languages. The whole atmosphere would change around us and my spirit would rise and fall within my chest. Rides Lightning would whisper into my ear and say that he knew her...my other.

"I know you....I know your name and we are meant to be together my dear one."

When he did these things, I would rise up in his bed and stare into his eyes. His eyes would catch me, making me gasp and hold still. He would trace his finger along the curve of my lips and down my chin...down my neck and along my chest. He would rest just above my heart and he would call to something.

"Spirit....there....you...are..."

I would feel my heart swish and thumb as my heart murmur would act up again. I would feel a pain in my chest, a flutter then a swish again. I held my breath for a moment and I was very frightened. Then he would speak again as he stared at my naked chest.

"Come forth, great one and live...live as you have never lived before."

I felt a tug and pull at my chest as if I was being pulled from the deep of the ocean and I was drowning. I remembered suddenly as a child when I was sleeping in my aunt's bed one night. That night, I had woken as if I was drowning and I felt like someone was pulling me from the deep...pulling and hold me dragging me through the layers of the water. I could feel my breath coming back to me as the water's receeded. This is what I felt when Rides would command  that thing within to come forth...when he would touch my chest and when he would look at me.

"Spirit....Spiritwalker, one who walks among the dead....come to me."

I don't remember what happened then because apparently, I blacked out. I woke in George's bed with him smiling at me....lying beside me...and his eyes were green again.


2000

He tried to talk to me about what happened but I was scared and I shied away. I still saw him every friday and ate lunch with him. We would talk about bands and the social scene...and it was about drugs of course. He told me stories about bad trips on acid and X and I listened intently. I was hoping that George was not heavy into drugs and that he was better with his life than Venum...but there was something else there instead. Everytime I looked into George's eyes, I saw Rides Lightning. I saw the Lakota there more when I saw Rides and he taught me how to use herbs that my mother did not work with. Although my mother was great with herbs and natural remedies in her meekness, she was from Mississippi and he was from South Dakota. There were different things to be learned from him and so I listened intently. Then, when he was finished with his lessons, I would teach him mine....my darkness would pour forth from my mouth to teach him the ways of the deep south, the ways of Hoodoo and the Pagan religions...of my ghosts and my demons. I think that when we were finished with each other, we were both a little more twisted and broken than before.

One day, he took me in his arms and refused to let go. He said he had to teach me one thing if nothing else.

"Sherrie...I want you to know who you are."

"What do you mean?" I would look at him with strange eyes...confused a little, I guess.

George would smile and then he would grimace as if he was holding somthing in that pushed at him. I asked him what was wrong and he would say that he was trying to keep himself calm and contained. Then he would smile again and continue.

"Sherrie, I know the other part of you. I could see her when we first talked that day at work. I know her and I know her name. I would tell you what she is but I don't want to alarm or frighten you."
I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. He had definitely captured my attention. "I am afraid that I am a little confused by what you are saying, George. Do you mean....you can see her?"

"Oh yes, I see her. I see her sometimes when you are not here...in my dreams...in the trees at night outside this house. I saw her once at work when you were not there...in the corner...by the bathrooms. I saw her even....well, before we ever met. I know exactly what she looks like. In fact, I drew a picture of her once. Woudl you like to see it?"

I wasn't sure if I wanted to see the picture or not but I nodded. George reached back and pulled some stacks of paper from his top dresser drawer. He shifted through the pics and then stopped at one picture. He paused and held the picture in front of me.

I starred at the drawing and then I smiled. It was her that I saw sitting against the trees in the park when I made her stay away. It was her in the mirror at the club when I was 18 years old. And it was her that leaned into me on the ground after my mother had died. It was her with the wings that told me that she would bring me back from the dead. IT was her and he knew her.

"George, how do you know these things about me?" I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.

He smiled and rubbed my tear away. "I don't know her, my other knows her and he tells me. As he told me what your name is...or rather, what her name is."

I waited then he spoke those words that would haunt me forever and ever.

"Spirit.....Spiritwalker, one who walks among the dead."