103

2000

Winter

We talked and talked and some times I think his mind was just in another world. His eyes would glaze over and he would ask me what I said as if I had never even spoke above a whisper. I didn't want to shout at him.

I went through days and even weeks of watching his drug abuse. He would go into the back yard and then into the rat room and there he would get high. I tried to stop him and even tried to find out who his dealer was. I knew who he got the weed from but I did not who was supplying his cocaine and brown addictions. I found razor blades with residue on them, I found straws and shortened ink pen casings and these were used to snort the powder. I then found burned areas on the bottoms of my spoons and I found metal tubes that were crammed with scouring pads used to scour pots with ...but with this...they were used to filter the crack. I found crack rocks lying around in different places around the house and brown powder as well. I noticed residue in our weed pipe which sent me into a frensy. I realized that the pipe that we had been smoking weed out of was possibly also a way that he had been smoking crack. I came to the conclusion that the drug was probably in my system as well and this disgusted me. So then, I used my taste buds to decipher which things I found to be rocks. I know it is disgusting to hear that I tasted little white rocks like things that I found but I think I was losing my mind already by then and I was desperate to find things to confront him with. I would confront him about drugs, I would cofront him about women. I was slowly driving myself further insane by trying to catch him at doing something. He didn't quit either just because I was finding things...he just learned to hide them better.

One night, he was geeking and I knew it. I confronted him about it and he ran out of the house. I drove to the weed dealer's house to see if he was there and he wasn't and so I started back home. I remember Damian being in the car with me that night and he was so good and quiet. I also remember having a flat tire and someone helping me change that tire as well. When I got home, Venum was standing in the living room with a stupid look on his face. You see, there are signs that someone has been smoking crack. Their lips will not be together...one will be twisted slightly toward the opposite direction. Their eyes will be huge and glassed over and they will be overly polite and cannot possibly eat a single bite of food. I have tried to make Venum eat proving that he was on drugs. He would get angry and throw the bowl or plate. Well he was standing in the living room just staring at me when I walked in the door. I put Damian down and he ran into his room. I walked toward Venum and then something odd happened. I felt something come over me...sort of like a tingle as if some part of my body had fallen asleep. I heard myself giggle and then I punched Venum dead in the face. He was so surprised by this that he ran out the back door. This time I didn't follow him. I went and played with Damian.

The next day, he agreed to go to rehab and so we went to a center in Tupelo to make an appointment. We sat and talked to a councellor for a bit and she told us that the decision had to be Venum's. He agreed to go to rehab and so we made the appointment. When the time came for him to go to his first visit, he dressed really nice and left the house. It was not long that I figured out that he wasn't going to the center at all...he was going to get high.

At that point, I think...that very point in my life, I realized that I would never truly be alone again. Because at that point, I called her home.

The thing within...

I had had enough...no more that life would be as this. I would not be Venum's wife, or Venum's woman or Venum's old lady....I would be me. And I would make me happy.


2000

She kept a low profile because she knew she needed to. I cooked everyday and went to work. I took care of Damian and did what I needed to do. At night, I started to listen to more and more music..dancing and singing to different songs that I loved. Venum didn't pay much mind to me because he was usually high. Sometimes I would talk to him about his addiction but then she would pull me away and say things like "forget about it" or "leave it alone" and I would walk away and start humming some song.

Damian was beautiful and he started to show signs of something different within. I saw the magic blooming inside him and I saw his gorgeous face light up when staring at corners of the room or the ceiling. The television started to come on and off randomly and doors were slamming by themselves. Venum never believed in such things but even he was frightened by the strange happeneings.
There were several kids whom we had grown to love that wandered the neighborhood. From the time that we had moved into that house, they would wander up and visit. I would cook for them and Damian and we would all play around the yard. Even Venum would turn on his car radio and play music for them. They were mostly young girls from the age of 8 to the age of 12. Then there were several young boys who would also come and hang out when they heard the music. I always had children coming to eat and play and run amuck around my yard. The more the thing within showed itself, the more they would come and hang out. I think they were attracted to its silly giddy nature and so they would laugh and sing with me.

There were bonfires with grilled meats and we would dance around the fire making merriment. I remember those days of summer when I lost so much weight and my hair grew to well below my waist. I would wear only wraps and scarves and dance half naked around the fire with those children. We would chant and  do spells from a voodoo book that I was studying at that present time. I had fashioned drums and found my turtle rattle which we would play to the music. We would go on ghost hunts and even run through the night as VAmpires and demons to scare the neighbors. One time, we almost go shot for playing aroudn with my 'scream' mask and brandishing knives in the neighbor's windows. There was so much fun with these children and I watched them grow up year after year that I remained at that house. When the thing within came back to me, they seemed to never leave my home. They loved her....they wanted her company. I remember the nights that me and 4 of the girls stayed up all night and watched horror movies with Damian...who would hide underneath the covers at a very young age. We would run into the bedroom adn jump on the bed as Venum slept. When he would wake up angry, the thing within would laugh in his face and run away with the other girls into the night. She had come...and she had created a legion of frolicking, chaotic children who loved her very much....that this time, knew her for more than Venum's wife...they knew her as momma...sherrie...and maybe something they could not name.

Then he said it...Damian said his name...said Matt's name. We were sitting in the living room and he came to me out of the blue and started talking.

"Momma, I saw Matt." his little voice was timid and scared.

I looked at him in curiosity. "who??" For there was no other Matt that I knew except Nasha's dead boyfriend from years before. No one other than the Matt that I had loved.

"I saw Matt, momma...he lives here with us sometimes but he lived in that other house." his little voice was very articulate and he tried to give me a sincere look.

I looked at him again and asked a question I was afraid to ask. "...is he here with us now?"

"yes" he looked behind me and he smiled.


2000

summer

Damian said that momma was here too and that he seen her. He always called her mamaw. I took some pictures and seen odd things in them but nothing I could conclusively detect as my mother.
I was angry one day and I was yelling at Damian. I knew that little robot of his didn't work because its arm and leg was broken off and it had no batteries in it. So why did it stand up and speak?
"I come in peace...peace peace" It repeated this statement over and over and then fell back down. I rememberd my mother's words when she was delirious. I remember her tongues obsession with the word peace.

I felt the chill pass through me and so I grabbed Damian into my arms and told him that I loved him and that I was sorry.