130

2005

Spring

After the graduation, I felt a little relief. I had left work on maturnity leave and I would not go back either. Apparently, the ladies who were managing the Salvation Army were very racist. On several occasions during my pregnancy, they had made comments about my unborn child, about how I was better to african people and how their church would never allow me to attend because husband was black. They made many many comments which hurt me but the one which i will never foget is the comment they said right before my maturnity leave. The boss was looking at a book with pictures of babies in it and she asked me if I would miss having white babies. I didn't really understand the question in its entirety because, to be honest, I had never had white babies. I was hurt, though, by the comment and decided at that very moment that I would not be returned to Salvation Army as an employee. When I left that day, I drove up to the daycare to pick up Dorian. Before I went inside, I cried about the statement. No one knows how much racism hurts until they are faced with it and it directly affects their families and loved ones.


2005

Spring

Venum and I got into a terrible fight one day about Melissa. We were at Wal Mart and they were talking. I noticed that he was so very nice to her and  just stood there right in front of me and talked to her as if they weren't fucking, as if they had nothing to do with each other outside of public. It sickened me. We then had to go to a friend of mine's house to drop off Damian and Dorian to spend the night with my friend's son. By the time we got to her house, Venum and I were fighting terribly about Melissa. When we got out of the car and took Damian and Dorian inside, Venum walked back out and walked down the road. He refused to get back in the car. Me and my girlfriend both walked after him trying to get him to get back in the car. I even apologized about the whole argument and promised to not talk of it again. He refused to come back to the car. I was 8 months pregnant and I was chasing my husband down the highway...followed by my girlfriend who was also crying. She was very close to us and had been for years and did not want to see us unhappy. Eventually, I had to go back and get in the car. I followed him for quite some time before I decided to go home and try to call him.  I called and called his phone for quite some time and then realized that he would not call me back. I went inside and then I heard his father's truck cranking up. I looked outside and noticed that he was leaving in his father's truck. He stayed gone for hours and hours on into the night. When he came home, he was drunk. I went out to the truck to try and get him to come in and go to sleep but he wouldn't. I climbed into the truck and slept there beside him all night. The next morning we talked and then went to his father's grave. There he greived and I stood with him, supporting him all the while. On the way home, he looked at me and motioned for me to come and sit near him in the truck. He put his arm around me and was silent...I was silent too.

I didn't know how much longer we could do this.


2005

June

I was doing my housework and wondering when Devon was going to come.  I was already dilated quite a bit but the doctor said that I just had to wait. Dorian was talking and jabbering to Devon constantly. Dorian would climb upon my belly and sing to Devon, he would poke at him and he would talk. It was the cutest thing you will ever see. I could have sworn that they were twins if one wasn't already born. Every moment that Dorian was home, he was on my belly or lying next to me. HIs little eyes would get wide and he would look up at me and say..."Momma"...then he would gasp then he would giggle. Damian would put his ear to my tummy and laugh. He was now in the second grade and he was still in gifted class. His grades were phenomenal and I could not have been prouder. He had made second place in the derby races and he was winning awards in his church classes as well. The hell that surrounded Damian did not seem to bother his intellect at all. I was so very proud of them for overcoming the home life that they were brought up in and this made me want to do better by them.

I remember cooking every day and sometimes three times a day back then...washing everything even the baseboards and walls. I was nesting and everything was spotless. Despite my unhappiness in my relationship, I tried desperately to make my own happiness. Spirit came and she went as she would. When she came, Damian and Dorian would laugh with her and dance around her as if she was just another kid. Then when she left, Damian went back to his chores and work because he knew that it was serious time again. Over time, the children adjusted to the switching pretty well. It was not until years and years later that I would discover just how difficult it was for Damian dealing with my mood changes. I found out and it broke my heart in ways that he....preferred Spirit.


2005

June 27

I went to the doctor's office and they told me that I should just admit myself to the hospital right away. They said that it was time for Devon to be born. I went to the daycare to see if they would keep Dorian for me for a while. He had not been staying at the daycare since I had quite my job but I needed someone to watch him so that I could go to the hospital. I had called their father but he was too busy to come and help me. He had taken a job at a Auto shop and was now manager there...for cash money only. He had also met a new friend named Cody and they were both working at the shop together. Venum said that he could not leave yet and that he would be at the hospital soon. So, I took Dorian to the daycare and went to the hospital by myself. They admitted me and then let me rest for a while. AFter an hour or so, they broke my waters and I began to contract. Around this time, Venum arrived and sat down in the corner by the window. He made jokes and pretty much irritated me while I was in labor. My aunt arrived and brought Dorian and Damian back up to the hospital. Then they pushed me into the delivery room. I was not hurting quite so bad as I had hurt with Dorian but it was bad enough. I recieved only one shot and then the doctor started to stretch my  vaginal muscles to aid in my delivery. I lay there and started to pray. Devon was an easy labor. I think by the time the meds took their hold on me, I had passed out. When I woke, I saw a screaming baby being handed to me. He was beautiful and brown. He was little too and he had one aspect of him that everyone in the room was oohing and ahhhing at. His hair was red, really read. My father was there by that time and he laughed and laughed. Everyone was commenting on how Devon passed down the Irish red. I cooed at Devon and spoke to him.

"You don't listen to them." I took him into my arms, plopped a tit in his mouth and apologised profusely for trying to kill him in the womb.. I had tears flowing down my cheeks...and my heart was breaking