126

2004

College was definitely an escape from the hell of my dysfunctional family life. I had started school and had to find a babysitter for Dorian. The long time babysitter who had kept Damian was retiring as well and I had to find someone else to keep Dorian. I found a daycare in New Albany called the Playhouse which suited his needs. Dorian hated to be left though and he would cry and scream horribly each time that I left him there. Each day for about a month, the owners would complain that Dorian fought them and almost refused to take a bottle. He had been nursed and was still nursing and he didn't want anything differently. After a while, he got used to taking the bottle while I was at school.

My major as I said was Fashion Marketing Tech but I had classes in Science, Salesmanship and also Accounting...I hated math, by the way. There was just something about numbers which terrified me...well, mostly numbers mixed with letters...which was Algebra. So I had to pay close attention to anything dealing with equations. Science dealt with equations as well but I had guys who would be happy to give me the answers if I needed them too.

I had a strange dream one night about Gavin, the guitar player at church. The 18 year old youth member that was very handsome. Of course, before the dream, I never thought of Gavin in any inappropriate manner. The dream was odd, as I stated...or strange. I was walking along the boulevard on the NOrtheast Campus when I saw him standing on the sidewalk. He walked up and just started talking like we were best friends. I cannot remember what we talked about but I just remember being very happy and comfortable with him. Then, as he appeared, he disappeared just as quickly and I was sad. One day in real life, along the boulevard...on a very sunny beautiful day, Gavin was standing on the sidewalk. I immediately thought of my dream and so I walked up and started talkng to him. He was very friendly and just as the dream we started talking about all sorts of things like we were best friends. I thought of the dream and felt a warmth flow over me...a contentment. I looked up and into his eyes and felt a connection to him. This feeling sunk deeply and left me feeling giddy the rest of the day. Spirit twirled and jumped inside my mind and then i started to skip to each and every class like a silly little girl. When I realized what I was doing, I smiled and calmed myself down.
I started to speak to Gavin more in passing and he would smile so big. Once he stopped me to talk about my classes and my major. At one point, the club DECA, that I was in was looking for events to raise money and I thought of Gavin. I suggested that they have a Battle of the Bands and that his band (the youth band from church) would be perfect to compete. The club loved the idea and got to work on it right away. I asked Gavin about the idea and he seemed very enthusiastic. I think after that conversation, I started to think of things to ask Gavin just to get a better look at his smile. I noticed that Gavin had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and such a wonderful personality. I caught myself flirting with Gavin when he walked by and I could have sworn that he flirted back. Of course I wasn't completely sure and it could have been all in my imagination. There was a moment though, that when I passed by him and we caught each other's eyes that I could have sworn there was a connection between us...a spark. I felt what was happening, at least in my own heart. I am sure at times that it was one sided that Gavin didn't even consider me in any other light than a fellow church member or student but then I felt a connection...and this drove me crazy. I started to look forward to seeing him everyday. The more that Melissa called Venum, the more I wanted to dispear in my obsession of Gavin.
I didn't realize what I was doing and what my mind was leading me into ...frankly, I just didn't care. I wanted to be happy more than anything in the world. And when I was pretending or letting the giddy feelings pass through me...no matter how wrong it was...I just wanted to be happy....not forced...just happy.