97

1998
Those personal things.



Of course, after Damian was born, I had to take care of the problems concerning my female concerns. My gynacologist told me to make another appointment after my baby's birth and so I did this very thing. He told me that they would have to do cryogenic removal of the dysplasia on my cervix. I had no real idea what this consisted of but I did know that Cryo had to do with freezing...and I remember when I was a teenager and had acne so bad the dermatologist had to do a cryofreeze on the skin of my face. So I resevered myself to have the procedure done to remove all pre-canerous cells from my cervix.

The procedure was not fun because there was no anesthetic. It seemed the concensus lately to not give me any pain meds. I wondered secretly if the doctor enjoyed causing me pain and then I laughed it off. I sat again in those stirrups and felt the contractions in my uterus as the nurse performed the cryo surgery. It was not as bad as child birth nor was it quite as bad as the abortion....but it was worse than menstrual cramps. I remember looking at a poster on the wall as the nurse did the procedure. The poster was asking the patient to rate their level of pain. I just rolled my eyes and wondered how they come up with such bullshit. How could anyone compare pain to a number? Pain just couldn't be measured that easily.

After the procedure was over, I was told to abstain from having sexy for a couple weeks. That always caused problems with Venum and I because he always had sex with me before I was supposed to have sex. On several occasions, I had started to hurt because he just wouldn't wait and he was almost always rough. I was afraid of the pain that I might go through because of the pain that I felt in my female parts.

Maybe, I would be called a freak but not because I had many sexual partners...because besides my sexual abuse and my relations with girls; Venum was my first consensual male sex partner. I may be called a freak because I liked to experiment with different things. Some things I liked to do, some I did not and some still hang within the balance...

Sometimes, Venum wanted to have sex in different areas of my body...different orifices. At first I was scared and actually terrified. I remember the first time I had anal sex and how bad it hurt. He said it was because I just couldn't relax. I tried to relax but it was still very painful. Over time, I learned to relax and it wasn't as bad. Although, I did not do this on a very regular basis. I think maybe we experimented like this...oh, maybe once every 5 months or so. I wanted to please him and I was curious about it too. The first time we did this, he told me that other girls told him that they liked it and said it felt good. I only thought it felt good if he played with my clit at the same time. In that way, I did climax during anal sex...otherwise, it was just painful.

I tried to titie fuck him but my tits were never big enough. So I would hold them together and fuck him that way. I know my language is crass but that is just what it is...fuck is to fuck. I learned to suck dick pretty well because I did it on so many occasions. And when I was in pain, on the crimson wave or when I was fresh out surgery....that was the way I would please him. I learned things...not all things....but enough.

I realized early on that I loved certain things with Venum but certain things I just couldn't bring myself to do. I realized by myself that I loved bondage but I didn't really like for Venum to do this to me. He was already very dominant and violent at times. I really didnt feel comfortable with him being too rough on me....he already was rough enough. I dreamed of being able to let him tie me up, cuff me and pull my hair. Some times, I tried and let him do it for a while but deep inside, I was terrified of him. He didn't know how scared I really was of him. It was like walking on pins and needles. But I tried. You see...to be submissive in sexual relationships was to have respect and garner respect from the dom...I did not feel respected and so I could not become that part of me. I did, however try to retain the submissive quality as much as possible outside the bedroom.

Venum never pleasured himself in front of me and I never really knew what it looked like. When he was gone, I would pleasure myself and he never seen that either....not at this time. I had a small vibrator and at first he didn't know about it. When he found out that I had it, he got angry and made me throw it away. It wasn't bigger than him...in fact, it was smaller. He just didn't think I needed it because I had him. I reluctantly threw it away and when he was gone, I would just use my finger to pleasure myself. I hid this from him because I thought he would get mad.