133

2007

Spring

I remember right before Venum left for basic training and how I had to take him to Little Rock. Me and Venum's mother traveled in our car to take Venum to some sort of classses in Arkansas for a whole month. I remember spending that whole month alone and feeling a small bit of what it felt like to live alone...but it wasn't enough to really understand living alone and so It didn't really stick with me all that well. I remember when he returned, how he had to make an excuse to go see Melissa. He often made excuses to go see her, otherwise she would go mental and start blowing up his phone. I never understood how he endured her for so long.

When Venum was gone to basic, I gradually got a feel for living on my own. The first few weeks were okay and then it was hell for me. The Army did not send in Venum's money until a month after he was gone which meant that every bill was a month late. I had not made any preparations to work and so I was on my own. I had both babies that I was trying to raise and I only had Damian to help me at home.  During the first month away and without any pay it was very hard. I had a bird at the time and I had to feed my bird cereal and that killed him. I was too dumb then to know that rice killed birds; I was just trying to find something to keep him alive. I  had no money for bird food and only 5 dollars for gas. I used the 5 dollars to go to my parent's old house to stay with my brother so that we could eat. It was the summer and so school was out, that made things a little easier. I got on the computer and I started to email, I got on the phone and I called the recruiter as well and asked him why there wasn't any money in the account. Venum had assured me that there would be money in the account just a couple days after he left. The recruiter told me that I would have to wait until the first of the next month to get money. He also asked me why I didn't have access to Venum's recruiting money and I told him the truth. Venum had told me that he needed all that money and he could not give me any of it for my basic needs. He had told me that I could only use a certain amount of his pay as well when it hit the bank. I was actually given an allowance to live on. The recruiter told me that Venum had 4 thousand dollars in his recruiter account and that it was nonesense that he kept it all...but he did. And so I waited and lived off my brother until the money went into the bank.

When the money hit the bank, I had to pay double the bills and food as well. The sewage backed up and i had to pay to have the lines fixed too. I had various problems with the car and with other aspects of the house. After everything was taken care of, I was so angry and I took about 300 dollars and went shopping with a girlfriend. Sometimes when he made me half way starve, I got angry like that. Especially when he was buying computers and clothes with his recruiting bonus. I found out later that he had plenty of money and was getting fed for free as well. I have respect for soldiers, I do, but they can choose between right and wrong just like anyone else and when they are wrong, they are wrong...same as you and I....and to let a family go without...is just wrong even if the mom is a stay at home mom. You protect us and give us freedom....but you are not supposed to neglect us while putting on a face for society.


2007

I learned that I was likeable...at least to a certain point. I started to socialize a bit and when I didn't socialize, I would sit outside and read a nice book. No one yelled at me from inside...no one expected anything from me at all. It was about two months before I got the first letter from Venum and I started to wonder if I had just been alone all this time and had dreamed of him for a spell.
When the letter arrived, I saw that he was lonely. I read the letter and prepared to write back. I told him about everything that had happened after he left. I told him about what the boys were doing and how the property looked. I kept the letter peaceful and sent the return as fast as I could. EVery week, I would get two letters at least and Venum would worry if I didn't send a letter back as soon as I got the first one. He said that the only way he could keep contact was through writing  because they kept them on severe lock down most of the time. The letters started to get more beautiful the longer that we wrote and I started to soften toward Venum. I started to write in colored ink and he started to do the same. I even wrote a poem to him and he started to tell me what the stars looked like where he was. In my mind, I saw us getting closer adn it made me smile with contentment. I would wait by the mail box everyday and wonder if I was going to get a letter. AFter a while, I actually got a letter almost everyday.

Meanwhile, me and the boys became so close to one another. We would rent movies and have pizza almost every weekend. We took trips to the zoo with my aunt and my brother and tried to stay busy with good things. At night, I would jump on the trampolene and listen to my ipod and during the day, I would roam the woods and play with the things of the forest. My hair grew and grew to my waist again. I kept it trimmed to just above my ass. I stayed in the sun  and I was always very thin. I gave in and let Spirit have free reign of my body except when I would write the letters. Then I would make her be quiet and so Sherrie would talk to Venum. I was happy then, I remember it so well and yet, I do not recall very much at the same time. But I learned something valuable.

Only Sherrie was a friend to Venum. Spirit was never passionate toward him unless it was anger oriented. I do not know why exactly that this is but it centers around the fact that Venum was always very controlling. Spirit would only come around at Sherrie's rescue. If Venum tried to bring Spirit out of Sherrie, Spirit would just growl under her breath and bury her face in Sherrie's mind. Sherrie would stay there and try to be the good wife that Venum wanted.

Some are a friend of both....and they are very special indeed...they can talk to both of me and never miss a beat. While some are just a friend to one or the other, which is much more common.

But, I say that it is hard to say goodbye to a friend of both...very hard indeed...and these are usually the ones who go away.