115

Her maddening pain....at this time could be asuaged. Her maddening pain was but a small prick in the finger of her otherwise rhythmic life. Her maddening pain would get worse in time.

5/18/02




The warrior stood frozen-still. He bore the scars of love and betrayal upon his still face. He was the dream guide and the shaman from my altered world. Standing high atop the peak of the tallest hill, he searched for her. She could not be found.



Rides Lightning seemed quiet and timid to most of our eyes but in truth he was hiding a very powerful healing touch. The emerald eyes betrayed kindness (often mistrued as weakness) and his face was like an angel from our childhood bible stories. The hair, chopped short because of the death of his soul and the betrayal of his mate. It was slowly regaining its long golden brilliance. He was still the great dream guide and had still had power over the storms. He waited, he watched for his love and it never ended. No one could take away the yearnings he claimed not the lonliness. Trusting his heart and his instincts; he called to her softly in his sore and tired mind. Time never seemed so long, than this time without her and no other could comfort him in his maddening pain. Slowly but surely she emerged smiling billiantly at her companion. Spirit walker kept her promise once more.

I awoke from my dream.



8/7/02



I've lost so much and gained so little, this is how it seems. I am tired, frustrated and confused. Prince died a month ago from a heat stroke when it was about 100 degrees. The passing was hard, extremely hard and I hav become more impatient with life. Losing some of my spirit did not help at all. I am afraid desperately afraid of my life to come. I feel like I should be hated for my neglect of Prince's needs and health. I know he despises us for killing him or actually just for not saving him. He now rests beside my rose bush on the east side of my porch. I guess he watches over me when I am sitting on the porch swing. I miss him desperately. He was my spirit helper.

But I can still hear him screaming and crying as he did when I was inside the house...when I had no idea that he was dying and I was yelling for the dogs to shut up. What a monster I can be.



September-



I think I may have to say goodbye to summer. Damian started kindergarten today and i am nervous about it. My first born is making a very big step and I feel like I am losing my baby. He cried for me today and it hurt me.



10/22/02



Buffy, my siberian/lab enjoys the sunshine whn the weather is cool. I think that she may be pregnant but I am not sure. Maybe I just wish that somehow Prince can live on in a form of some sort. I smile.



I guess I kind of enjoy the breeze and the sound of the angel wind chimes kind of comfort me. Life has seemed hard lately and I am not totally sure of what to do. Somewhere deep inside I feel as though everything is falling in place, and of course it is.