96

1998

I bought a car from the dealer; the one whom had acquired my red grand am a few years back. It was partially a trade off, really. The car was a gold Ciera and it ran pretty well...well enough for me to get to work everyday on my own. Things were changing and I was never good with change. Thing is, when you have no choice, change miraculously become much much easier.

Venum and I had to find a daycare for Damian so that we could both work day shift. He was still with Masterbuilt and I was really liking my job at Landau. We looked in several different places for the perfect child care. We thought of the daycare in which Damian had stayed for a while when we were living in Tupelo but that was not our final choice. We found a little house not far from our home where a lady kept babies. Her name was Quay. We talked with her for a couple days before making up our minds if she was the right one. Then Venum left the rest up to me. I asked her many many questions to make sure our baby was going to be safe there. At some point I saw that she was the right one and so we packed his things and sent him for his first day at daycare.

It was horrible for me to leave him there and I spent every little minute with him before realizing that I would soon be late. I thought about him at work too...all day long, and I wondered if he was missing me. I will never forget that afternoon when he smiled so big when I saw him. I took him in my arms and kissed him all over because I missed him so. I knew by the way things went that these people here at this little house would take excellent care of Damian while I was working and I felt so comfortable with the decision.


1998

 At work, when I woudl be sewing and listening to my headphones; I couldn't stop thinking of Nasha and I wondered where she was. It had been years since I had seen her face. I told Venum about us and our odd relationship. Of course, as most men are, he thought it was hot that I had been with another woman. In fact, during our whole relationship, he bugged me to no end about being with another woman. This actually would make me angry. It was not the fact of what he thought it was sexy or hot, it was the fact that he never shut up about it. It was a constant thing with him. Lots of times when we would go out, he would point at a woman and ask me if I would fuck her. It did get old after a while. Being bisexual is not some thrill ride, it just is. Anyway, back to subject at hand. Nasha, I didn't know where she was but I wanted to  find her and at least hug her. So, one day, Venum and I took a picture of her to Holly Springs and started looking for her by asked locals if they had seen her. I remember one place took a look at her picture and they all made funny faces...but they denied knowing her. I left my number with the people of the store in hopes that if they saw her, they would tell her to call. I got tired of looking for her after about two weeks and so I returned home resolved that I might not ever see her again.

Then I got a phone call. It was deep winter of 1998 and I was working everyday...doing the usual. I had dyed my hair bright red just for the hell of it and I was learning all the martial arts that Venum was learning. I had a normally unusual life, chaotic and strange but I was staying alive. And one day, the phone rang and it was Nasha's boyfriend Bin. Bin immediately began quesioning who I was and why I was looking for Nasha. I told him who I was and so he settled down and gave the phone to Nasha. He remembered me from when Nasha and Matt were together. You see, Bin was Matt's cousin and he had wanted to be with Nasha for years and years.  As we talked I figured out why Nasha and Bin were so skittish. They had been robbed about a month earlier and beat up; they thought that the people looking for them were connected with the crime. I assured them that It was just me and that I was missing my friend. So, we all made plans to meet up and hang out a while. Me and Nasha had so much catching up to do.

She arrived one morning very early before I had to go to work. She told me that Bin had to work and would be over to pick her up when he was off. Venum left and so I talked to her for a while before I had to leave. I had forgotten how short she was and how very beautiful. I had the quick opportunity to look into those captivating gray eyes that always give me the chills. Yeah, seems I got an eye fetish or something..hehehe I hugged her and inhaled her into me. It had been so long. I got to meet Nasha's little girl, Mina. She was beautiful...like her mom. I left for work and thought about my friend the whole time that I was there....well, when I wasn't thinking about Damo...and that was lots of thought. I think at one point, I turned off the music and just sat there thinking. It's always hard to concentrate on the task at hand when you are impatient and excited.

That afternoon, Nasha and Bin hung out with Venum and I. Venum had this bong like the one that the caterpiller on Alice in Wonderland had. You know , the one that four or five people could smoke out of at the same time. Well, Venum took out a bag of weed and loaded the bong. We all sit around and got stoned off our asses. Nasha was amazing...no one could hang with her. She was still toking when we all were coughing our heads off. Venum always had weed around and I didn't question it as much back then because I benefited from it. It was never the weed that made him angry, after all...it was the liquir. Sometimes I wondered if we ever quit smoking...I wondered if I could even deal with him at all. That night, Nasha and Bin confided in us about how broke they were. While Bin was talking to Venum, Nasha went out to the car with me to get high again. She talked and talked and then finally approached an odd subject. She begin to talk about prostitution and ask me questions as if she thought I was familiar with it. I told her that I had no idea about such things. In the back of my head I remembered how close that silly unihibited part of me had come to actually partaking in prostitution before I became a mother. I pushed it out of my mind quickly...but Nasha pushed forward with the questioning. Then she asked me something that I will never forget.

"Sherrie, I need help with something. I need to earn some money. Do you think Venum would pimp me out to make some money?"

I looked at her as if she was crazy and then asked her if she was serious. She said she was and that she had done it before...after she had worked with Richard. She said she needed the money desperately and that Venum had told her that he used to work prostitutes....in which he did. I just manuevered her around in the conversation and eventually the subject was changed. Things like this made me very uncomfortable....and it called back the thing within. I couldn't have that..I was doing so good. We soon went back inside and joined the men in their conversation. The prostitution did not come back up again.

Bin told us that he and Nasha were living right down the road from us but not for long. They were looking to move back to M town (Memphis). But for now, we could hang out. I remember that night, Nasha and Bin stayed with us and the next day, I went to work. Nasha was working at the local grocery store in the meat department...and so after work, I went by to see her. Venum had been buggin me about sleeping with her and I was thinking about doing it to make him happy. After all...I did miss her and was very much still attracted to her. I went to the store and asked her if she would spend the night with me. For some reason she was acting strange. She was giving me exuses as to why she couldn't come over. Earlier when I asked her if she would stay the night with me, she had said...yes.

I went home kind of sad about the whole thing but kind of relieved that I didn't have to put on a show. I was so tired of Venum pressuring me to be with other women. I loved being with women but it was always better when it was my idea and not theirs. Because it was my body. That is just the way it works with me. Besides, I had run that brave silly thing away a while back and I had very little courage of my own. When I got home, Venum was sitting in the recliner and Damian was in his playpen. I bent to kiss my son and then turned to Venum.

"Nasha doesn't want to come over." I spoke and tilted my head.

Venum shrugged and asked why. I told him what she had said and how she had acted. I asked him if he had talked to her and he told me that he had called her on his lunch break to ask her to give him a phone number to some place. I thought it was odd but didn't say anything.

A couple days went by and I did not hear from Nasha. I found out later that Venum had been calling her everyday to chit chat. He never told me about it. I wondered in the back of my mind if he had run her away somehow.

The last time I seen her, she came by to tell me about moving back to Memphis. I told her that I couldn't see her anymore. There were two reasons why I made this decision. One was the obvious one...I was trying to save my marriage. I didn't trust my husband and that was obvious too. There were many occasions that I was suspicious about his cheating...very good intuition and reasoning, I might add. The other reason is because I still had feelings for Nasha. I told her that it was the second reason and that I would always love her. I hugged her and she left.

I never seen her in person again.

.............................

What things have I forfeited for my soul? I would ask myself this question over and over. As time went by and I noticed things between women and my husband...I would withdraw more. You could say I was being silly if you want but I noticed things. Things never added up. When I would make friends, the good ones would disappear...and they were pretty. The other ones would stay and always spend more time with my husband than with me. I would come home and they were already there with Venum ...or he would go to their houses and their husbands or boyfriends weren't at home. These friends sometimes gave me gifts...and doted over my child but they would have a secret smile with my husband...I seen these things because I was observant. I think I denied this fact for many reasons. We had a child together and it was just unreal to think that he would do these things to me and I loved him...so very much. I loved him more than you could possibly imagine. But I was not blind...I had eyes to see and a heart to feel...and more than that.

I had a thing which never really went away...Even though I had sent the thing away...told it to leave me alone

It sat in the shadows and laughed at me....But I don't think it ever went away. It waited until the time was right.

and one day...it returned.

But not yet.....soon.