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2003

Finding Religion

So, the concensus may be that I am evil...monstrous and beyond understanding by the norm. And I fell ya, I really do. But despite what you may think, things are not clean cut , black or white;neither are they good or bad. According to my religion as of late, there is only good or bad and there is no gray area to speak of.

I have done and said terrible things...thoughts have been far from innocent as well. I have wished bad upon those who I felt abused, manipulated and confused  me. But do I really admit to anymore than you all have thought of in secret thought and revealed to no one?

I have mutilated reputations and spread wide the names of those who played parts in my life story. My deepest and most sincere apologies to everyone dead or alive.

My belief system in 2003 consisted of all the normal do good responsibilities. We didn't smoke,drink,lie or commit adultry. Of course, no human truly goes without lying all the time...but we try harder to save our soul from damnation.

I thought of Spirit and the meaning of her name. It was proposterous. I had to think of my immortal soul and how I would somehow get it thru the gates of heaven. I had to gain control of Spirit, come to some agreement or cast her out again as I had done before.

I write this now in emmense pain. I see those eyes who judge me, those heads which drop in shame and the whispers of condemnment. I have opened a box that now cannot be closed....and none of this can be unwritten.


2003

I had become some sort of holey roller of sorts. I danced in the isles for hours and chanted for longer than that. On one occasion, I marched around the church until we felt that our prayers had destroyed the symbolic gates which kept us out. I was a soldier for my god...speaking truths to all who wished to hear and to some who did not. I was on a mission here on home soil but I wanted to do more...I wanted to be a missionary...a missionary like those who had taught me of the previous Mormon religion. This one was different, we were apostolic, which is closest to Pentacostal. And we did believe in the Pentacost and the fire of the tongues.

But I did not yet have my tongues...not that I knew of anyway. I had let Spirit speak through me in German as she and Rides made love. Yet, I had not let go completely to let this thing inside called the 'spirit' speak through me as a secret language between myself and my god. I wanted to know what it was like and so I begged in my prayers for my secret language. For, I did not know what it was in reality. I watched the others as we were all supposed to have our eyes closed...but mine were not, for I watched. I watched as at first their lips began to quiver and their bodies began to sway..then I heard the oddest sound lifting all over the sanctuary. It was a low hum of many tongues wiggling inside mouths. I know that now because I asked to watch as the tongue became animated of its own...non attachment to our own brains. I heard the hum rising louder then I heard words here and there flitting throughout the large room. I listened intently as the voices rose to several different types of languages and words. I heard bits and peices of Spanish, then something that sounded like Japanese ( I had previous learned a coupld Japanese words and had been studying Spanish with Venum.) I began to sway and I reached up to feel my mouth...there was nothing there...no quivering, no shaking. Then one of the congregation fell to the floor and then another. I watched as at least four members fell to the floor shaking. The voices grew so loud that I could almost fell the thickness of the sensation. Amidst the hum of the languages, I heard the word 'spirit' several times. Inside, something stirred and fluttered.


2003

Damian had joined the boyscouts and we were doing so very much with him in his hobby. We had to attend various classes and meetings so that Damian could learn different survival skills. I found the membership to be good for him and he seemed to love all the fun he was having. The den had scheduled a camping trip for the early fall and we were excited about going. I asked Venum what he thought of me going pregnant and he seemed to think it was okay.

We were now down to one vehicle, Venum's father's truck. After his father died, there was a despute over who would get what among the family. Venum got his father's truck and just drove away with it. At that time, my car had broken down and we needed something to drive. Although the truck didn't have any tail lights, it was still viable for the daylight hours. We did what we had to do to survive and to stay right by God.


2003

Every now and then, I would hear things about Michael and Melissa and how Venum had gone to see them. They had moved to the other side of town and he would go there and talk to them about God...that is what he said. I was always a little paranoid about them but Venum reassured me that he was only trying to help them to get their life straightened out. We had started going to a study group on Wednesday nights and the subject arose about how to guard yourself against temptation and even the elders at the meeting told me to not worry and to trust my husband...and so I did this...trying desperately to make things work. I had not yet given up on us.


2003

I wanted it so bad and I was willing to spend time alone and talk to God about it...the tongues. I wanted for me and him to be able to talk in a secret language all our own. You see, the tongues was a way that the devil could not understand what we were saying to each other...a code, you might say, with God. When we are born, we are born with the ability to speak in any given language the word over...but our concious cannot remember these things. As you know, we only use a certain portion of our brains to function, disreguarding those vital parts that we are gifted with as well...those parts which make us more than ordinary humans. Well, this language sits dormant...or these language abilities...until we either open up our minds to them or until we work constantly in some foreign language classes learing what we already know and have stored inside our subconcious or the unused portion of our cerebrum. And more than that, we are gifted with the abilities to scrambled these languages in an infinity of ways in order to create a code between us and our maker.

And so, it is God who releases this. And it is I who wanted this as well. I stayed at home alone one day with all doors locked and no sounds in the house. I started to pray to him...to the one who created me. I prayed to be gifted and to accepted to speak with him in our own language. seperate from any other...in which it was. I began to cry because I was saddened by not having these abilities. I wept openly and fell to the floor. I held my face in my hands and wept until my heart ached so badly that i wept some more...and then I felt something. When it first comes, there is an intense heat which makes the body break out in sweat. Then the shaking comes followed by the tingling sensation in the face. And the weirdest thing happens as the brain tingles. I started to feel my lips quivering and i heard a voice in my head.

"Push your breath out, my dear." It was a calm and beautiful voice which made me feel safe. and so I exhaled.

It spoke again..."harder, push harder....now growl, scream, grunt ...you can do this." I was astonished by the personal way in which the voice spoke and I smiled...I grew angry. But not angry as in feel mad at anyone...just a determined anger at wanting something so badly.

I pushed the air out and I grunted loudly....growled and then I felt my tongue wiggling in my mouth and I howled...leaning my head back. I heard a sound, then a consonant and then a word...a strange word. And then I heard languages....broken but pouring from my lips. My lips quivered and my tongue was going very fast. I released the sounds and then let go completely. I was talking, flowing as if I was talking to someone very far away in a language that I did not understand. My heart formed english words in my head, pleading an begging for God's love and loyalty to ease me of my pains. I could hear the words inside my head but when they came out of my mouth, they were something else....they were secret and they were safely between me and the saviour...I could only understand a few of the words but I know that I was telling God that I loved him...I heard the German words for I love you...

"Ich Leibe dich" I smiled with recognition and each time I could recognize the words, I would find myself becoming closer and closer to him.