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2003

I am pregnant...I felt him inside as no one else could feel a child. His essence and soul joined mine. I had a fashion show to conduct and so I did so in my pregnancy. Through the sickness and fatigue, I worked with my crew until the fashion show was over. Whether it was a sucess or not, It was done and I was able to move onto other things. The day of the show, I told Venum that he should go visit his father because they had fought and had not been speaking for a year at that time. He got angry with me and said that he would not go see his father because his father was an asshole. This was the second time that I tried to convince him to see his father because I knew the regret of losing a loved one and not being there for them as I should.

That day, his father died.

When his sister came to tell him of his father's death, he was drinking. So, he decided to drink more and to go to Booneville where the rest of his family were. I stayed with Venum in Booneville for the remainder of the week and  took a leave from school. During the week, Venum began to question me about God. I would tell him all that I knew but of course I followed a slightly different spiritual path than the norm. I told him what I thought was the truth and I left him with that information. During the funeral, Venum passed out and when he awoke, he said that he believed in God now.

I just stood and listened to Venum proclaim is faith and I didn't know what to feel. A couple days later, Venum and I sat on the porch swing and smoked a blunt. He talked of God while we sat there and then he asked me if I knew a good church that we could go to and I said yes. I thought about the tall man who had given me money when i needed food for Damian. I told Venum about the church and that maybe we should go and try it out. He agreed. At that moment, Venum was something different....someone that was lost and looking for a simple answer to his pain. Little did he know, there would be no simple answers and even this high would eventually fade. But for now, I planned to go to church with him. And I made the decision to  never see George again.


2003

I saw George at school when I returned and I told him taht I was pregnant. He said he wanted to remain my friend and I told him no. I told him that it was not possible for us to be friends because things would always be strange between us...leaving a chance to rekindle the relationship when things got complicated. George hated this and he cried bitterly. For quite some time, he followed me around campus hiding behind buildings when I looked his way or dodging into doorways when he would get too close. One time he tried to talk to me while he was with a group of girls and I told him to leave me alone or I would contact campus security. When I went to talk to campus security, they told me that someone else had said that I was stalking them. Apparently, he had gotten to campus security first and had told them that I was bothering him. This made me have a  hatred for him and I further realized that Rides had definitely become a wraith. He was withering away in his other....he was becoming something that I could not describe. After a while, he dropped out of school completely and I was relieved.


2003

Summer

 I took Venum to the church where the tall guy went and they all started to scream when they saw us. Apparently the tall man had told them about us and his wishes for us to come to their church. They welcomed us with open arms and made us feel at home...all that stuff, you know, the good stuff they say about their church...well, they projected that for us and we were immediately happy.

There was protocol of course. In order for us to be legitimate members of the church, we must leave our old lives at the door and start over worshipping God. I sat there in the pew and wondered what I was going to do about Spirit. Spirit was venomous, she was strong and rebellious. But as I learned the songs on the projector, I noticed that Spirit sang out loud and giggled at the end of the songs. I looked around nervously at the other church members and they giggled too. I learned very fast that these people were very animated and it might not be as hard as I thought to mask Spirit's behaviour. Spirit would dance too and I noticed that other members seemed to sway and dance with glee as the music got very emotional and the lyrics drew some to crying. I looked over at Venum's face and he was saddened by the music....tears poured from his eyes. Suddenly, I began to freak out....my breath became labored and I passed out.

When I woke up, several women were standing over me praying at the tops of their lungs and speaking in some foreign language. I opened and shut my mouth automatically and didn't know why I was doing this. I reached up and touched one of the ladies and she gasped. She told one of the other ladies that I had a demon. The other lady didn't hear her so she said "what???" The lady spoke again to the other lady and she said...

"She has a spirit!"

Then I leaned back arching my back and I screamed..

then Spirit giggled.


2003

They thought they had cleansed my of my "spirit". I guess I thought they had too. I sat under the big tree in the front yard and read my bible verses. I watched the sun pass behind the clouds and then I moved from my chair. Lying the bible down on its face, I lay down on the ground and closed my eyes.

"Please....find me....help me....and cure me."

I prayed until the sun came back out and warmed my face.