The lost entry

Peter,

I have to say these things because I do not know If I will ever have the courage to clear the air with you. It is not that I am a coward it is just that I do not wish to make things any more awkward than they already are.

I guess I should start off by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry for the strange way that I act and by now, you probably know why. Believe me when I say that I had no idea where my mind was leading me...I had no idea that it was leading to you. You were just another friend of mine and it never really crossed my mind to think of you in any other way. I cannot pin point when it happened exactly but my mind shifted in my thinking...way before we ever 'talked'. Because, to me, it is important that you know that it was all my doing and nothing that you did.

I would assume that the reason why you limit conversation with me is because of the fact that you know how I feel and you are making sure that I know that I cannot cross any lines, which is totally understandable. What you do not know, however, is that when I am the only one who you "ignore", I feel like a peice of shit. I guess this is not really any concern of yours and I was wrong about the fact that I matter at all. But when my friends talk about the friendly conversations they have with you and when I see you laughing for long periods of time with others, I feel so left out and yes, a little jealous. Not, jealous in the way you might think, just jealous because I cannot laugh and talk with you as others do. It is a very hurtful feeling and I wish I could rewind time to before I saw you differently.

And sometimes I know I over-react and seem pretty creepy. That is never my intention at all. I guess I just kind of let myself be...as I am. I feel freedom and did not realize that I was letting myself and my soul go to wherever it wanted to go. I lost track of reality and saw things as I saw them...which is so much different than the way some others see them.

I am truly sorry for being the way I am

Anna