30

Looking for home.



September 15, 1989



I really liked Timmy and he seemed to like me. He would wink at me in the hallways and grab my ass between classes. We had Agriculture class together and I got to sit by him. He often rubbed my leg with his and licked his lips. He was so handsome to me.



Today, he asked me to be his girlfriend, but on a couple conditions. He said that if I lost weight, got rid of my acne and got contact lenses, he would be my boyfriend. He also told me that he didn’t want me to tell anyone that we were together, since I was unpopular and all. I was so happy about this that I went right to work on my plans to improve myself.



October 2, 1989



I got my contacts last week and my facial peel a couple days ago. I just have to lose this weight and I can be Timmy’s girlfriend. I have an idea that will help me to lose the pounds. I will not eat until I get home. NO breakfast or lunch and just a small dinner at home, should have me at my ideal size. I am so excited!



I told Timmy about my plans during Ag class. I passed him a note so no one would see us talking to each other. When I get all my looks together, he will not be ashamed of me anymore. I love Timmy.



January 8, 1990



We make out after class between the Ag classroom and the shop. Sometimes, we use the girl’s dressing rooms when no one is around. I love kissing Timmy and the way he runs his hands up my shirt. I am so scared too. I have never been with a boy before. I dont know what to do next. Timmy has been talking about meeting me somewhere when I spend the night with my cousin Ruth. My daddy would never let me see Timmy. He is black and my parents do not believe in mixing. But I will find a way, somehow. Timmy wrote letters to me and said he wanted to take me to Hawaii and get married. The other day, he kissed me on the cheek before the bell rang. I hope no one saw him.



January 10, 1990



Daddy beat me last night. He hit me so hard that I had red marks all over my legs and my stomach. I was almost bledding. He said that Ruth’s mom told him that I had been kissing a black boy. He warned me over and over again and he hit me with his belt. He even used the belt buckle too. When I went to school, Timmy got really mad and asked to see all my bruises and cuts. I had to wear a skirt because I was hurting so bad.



Timmy keeps asking me if I am still gonna go to my cousin Ruth’s house to meet him. I am scared now. Next time daddy may beat me worse



February 24, 1990



I can’t believe she would betray me like that. She knew I loved Timmy and she had sex with him. HE had the nerve to tell me that he thought we were broke up. I can’t speak to Ruth right now and not to Timmy either.