48

And what did I really want?

12/20/1993




The day was spent on the quarter, watching the jugglers in front of the St. Louis Catherdral. The fire eaters, the mimes and the clowns all congregated here for what little change they could gather from the tourists. My brother and I wandered for hours looking for the best place to get some red beans and rice. Meanwhile the local entertainment drew us closer. Amidst the crowds of teeming and impatient visitors was the hum and drum of the busy big Easy. Who could really tell if the faces were angry from trying to get away from the attractions or whether the irritation came from not being able to see above the heads of the crowds of excited foreigners. It was a mess and we moved around and outside of the majority. Down alleyways and into a side street, there we encountered a little cafe emitting the most beautiful jazz music. It's close but muffled harmony danced within my ears. I felt a sensation pass through me, something deep and euphoric. The music just almost told a story, recited a poem and even created a painting. It was the third to my artistic trinity. I gasped and grabbed hold of my brother's arm.



"Let's go here."



12/20/1993-nightfall



The night here, is what the day has had premonitions about. It is something different from night time anywhere else in the world. If magic truly exists, it exists here and even if magic is unreal, it defies all reality on this very spot.

I looked down at my maryjanes and smiled. I could hear him talking but it was muffled and distant. After a moments time, his voice bacame audible. He was asking me where I wanted to go.



I had no preference of where I wanted to go, I was just dazed in a cloud of wonder by every little detail. There was something watching me and I was afraid to raise my head and look. I felt them everywhere, in the corners peeking out, amidst the darkened alley ways and deep with the crowded restaurants. Their eyes followed me.



Allen was standing before me and almost yelling into my face. "Where do you want to go now?"



I looked up and tried to focus on his face. Finally my mind cleared and I saw him looking down at me angrily.



I told him that it did not matter which area of the quarter that we traveled as long as we got a drink somewhere. He agreed and we just walked around looking for a bar to hang out in for a while.



As I joined my brother and started to walk away, I turned to look behind me.



Vampires were everywhere.



12/21/1993



We slept in till the afternoon. I had no dreams this night but I awoke with a decision, I wanted Nasha to leave Matt. I couldn't love them both if they were together. I wanted her to run away with me but yet, I did not want to stop visiting Matt. I hated these feelings because of Gina but they were my true feelings non the less. I wanted him to let her go, to stop trying to get her back. Maybe, then she would come to me, realise the love that I still had for her, the love that I projected upon my beautiful Norwegian girlfriend and the love that was unworldly and built with an immortal devotion. Yes, it seems so fickle and I seem so fickle. I just wonder where it all began and how far back I have been projecting from. I just wish Matt would go away...Or was it Nasha that I wanted to go away? I rubbed my face in frustration.



12/21/1993-afternoon



We went on a swamp tour today and watched an alligator eat a racoon. I cried because I really wanted the little raccoon to get away. Our cajun tour guide was cool and he even showed us a really interesting alligator skull. I wanted to buy one but my brother said no. I insisted that I could use it for my conjuring somehow, even if it was just its teeth that I could use. He argued with me about the fact that I would ruin the skull by breaking the teeth out. I rolled my eyes.

The rest of the tour, I sat and watched the edge of the swampline and let my eyes wander aimlessly through the trees. I saw things running to and fro inside the vegetation. I cared not.