63

1994

Summer

I returned home and spent the remainder of the summer in my old room. During the day I would sleep on and off taking my meds and reading. During the night I would steal liquir from my brother's closet and write drunken poetry. The days and nights began to blur into one. I had no desire to dance because I was still reeling from the experience with Mr. Karn. I told no one about the experience as they would have judged me for what I had done. I went away from Memphis making around 500 dollars from the 'secret' work that I did. If you are reading this now, then from you it is no longer a secret that I keep. I cannot say that I am ashamed of what I did as of now, because my virginity remains intact...if you do not consider my molestation as part of my sexual experience nor do you consider my relations with two women to be the cause of my virginities death. To men, I was still a stranger and afraid of them to some extent...well, at least Sherrie was. But when that presence came to me, she was not afraid and she was predatory. I did not see her for quite some time after she humiliated me at the Karn's house.

My father was always trying to get me to do things, go out; but I had no desire to see anyone. I just wanted to fade into a world of fantasy for now. I filled binder after binder with drunken scribbles, things I had wanted to say forever. I only confided in my brother but only those things that I thought he would not surely hate me for. I told him about my struggles with knowing what I was going to do in life.

After some time and on into the early fall, I decided to get a job. I set out to apply in different places in the neighboring town of Ripley. The very first job I acquired was working at a Chinese Restaurant. I worked at the establishment for only a week seeing as they did not really need that much help. Then I went on to work at The Dodge Store Gas station in Ripley. I was also there for only one week. My money came up short because of a gas drive off and so they laid me off. I decided to try my luck at a thing called a Temporary agency. There I applied to a place called Bio Clinic. After a week, I was hired for the assignment.

The Green  Monkies

Before I started the job I had the opportunity to meet some very wonderful friends with whom I would share a big portion of my inner pain. They were beautiful and odd...almost as broken as I, in my opinion. Belinda and Katrina ran an art shop in downtown Ripley. I started to make frequent trips there for painting classes and got to know the two ladies very well. These ladies were quite a bit older than me but seemed to be as young as I in spirit...and their faces were void of wrinkles... they were almost flawless. Katrina was a pagan and I also was intrigued by that aspect of her whole identity.

 Of course, Allen was also friends with them as well. I met a man named Kenith through Belinda and Katrina and found him so very amusing and loveable. Kenith was a writer as well and such a comedian. Although I saw him very few times, I knew he was a gem and someone who couldn't be easily forgotten. I loved them all...and even got to watch my first male stripper at Belinda's birthday party. I did not know what to think of him, gyrating around in those bikini briefs, I think I may have even blushed which was very odd for me. We did so many things together which revolved around that little art shop.

 The girls would joke about being the Green monkies and so I painted them a small plaque featuring little green monkies and the logo in which they referred to. They hung the plaque in the doorway of the office. They were proud of it and proud to be women who lived outside of the box...as I. I loved them dearly and just last year, the present year of 2013, Katrina passed away. My heart still hurts for her.

Moving on

My life was about to change...and change very drastically in the years to come. I had no idea what it had in store for me and just wandered through life in a daze at this time. I got my shit together...sobered up and got ready to go to my first day of full time work. I enrolled in the Community college just before I started my job. The college was at least an hour from my parent's house and then my job was 30 minutes further from my home. I would commute for the time being to both school and work and would be at home only to sleep. This kept me from having to see George and ended any altercations that I might have with him. Otherwise, at this stage of my life, I may have killed him.