55

2/24/1994




I saw Matt today-I really did. On my way out of the store on the corner of Highland and Cooper, i saw him drive by. He was in that old blue chevy he always drove. He looked at me and smiled. I just stood there staring at him..for a very long time.



I tried to call Nasha to tell her that I had seen him but her phone only rang for a long period of time. My heart was just about to beat out of my chest.



The police had ruled his death a suicide only weeks prior but I still didn't feel right about it all. In my dreams I saw candles and strange symbols drawn on the floor. some of the symbols resembled spirals and hearts. It was the strangest mass I had ever seen. I saw him, hanging there, white, hair gone white as well. I would always awaken to screams and sweats. One night I even wet myself in fear. I was so ashamed.



3/15/1994



I visited home this weekend and pulled the letters that the evangelist lady gave me, from my closet. I had hidden them in a shoebox up on the top shelf. I sifted through the papers, back to the ones that I had written Matt. Behind those letters were his song lyrics. I started to read through them, paying attention to every word he said. I felt cold fingers crawl up my back as I read his words of suicide. He talked to hangings and black magic in his song. I flipped the paper over and saw something that made me drop the paper. Looking down on the backside of the lyrics to his song, I saw the same symbols from my dream. A huge heart with curling edges and spirals at the bottom. I read a single name in the center of the heart. It said, 'Erzulie'. I knew that name.



3/20/1994



I decided to take Gina to Nashville in a last effort to patch up our relationship. she told me she was returning to Norway in May, her parents just wouldn't send her any more money. She explained the other reasons why she couldn't stay-things concerning her passport and her inability to understand very much of the English language. It just didn't make sense to me. I lied to my aunt again and told her that me and Shanal had planned a trip to Opreland, an amusement park in Nashville, tn. We are out of Memphis now, in the Hampton but we are way past Nashville. I carried Gina to Pigeonforge on the eastern border of TN. I wanted to show her as much as I could before she went home. she said the mountains reminded her a little of Norway. She seemed happier here.



we made love in one of the single beds they gave us. No matter how much I protested they still thought we needed two beds. It was nice and I sleep well that night, no dreams...just Gina's soft satisfied breathing in my ear. I fell asleep watching the stars through the hotel window.



3/21/1994



I woke the next morning before she did. I looked at her and realized it was over for us. I packed my things and woke her. We left for home.