13

1981

I listened to Cami for a long time. She told me what to do and how to do it and I would comply with her. I knew that death was wrong about all of them being inbred fools. In my heart, I knew Cami had good intentions, or so I thought. I wanted to beleive this, maybe...I wanted to beleive these things because it was easier than to stand up for myself. I tried so hard for a long time to give Cami the benefit of the doubt before I changed my mind. I did not do lots of thinking or planning when I changed my mind about Cami, I just acted.

One of those days that Cami came down the little dirt road to play with me, we decided to play with my dolls. We had something to drink while moma cooked dinner then we went to my room. There we got all my barbies from the box underneath my grandmother's room (which was my room too).
Cami told me that we should light candles and pretend that the dolls were on dates. I disagreed and told her that it was a bad idea to burn candles in my grandmother's room. Cami told me to be quiet and continued to light the candles. We sat on the floor and arranged little barbie tables and candles in an area that we called our restaurant.

I picked up a dress and started to put it on my barbie.

"No, not that one, it's mine!"

I looked at the dress and then handed it over to Cami. She slapped the dress out of my hand an motioned for something else.

I looked at her and spoke. "What do you want?"

" That doll is mine. I don't want that ugly dress. I want my doll."

I gave my doll to Cami and picked up another one. I dressed my doll and sat her by the dollie furniture.

She glanced at what I was doing. "

 and Cami said no. She told me that the dress that I picked was hers and the doll was too. So I had to hand over my doll for another one. Then I dressed my doll and sat her at the little barbie table nearest to me.  and said no. She said that I should not be sitting; I should be standing and talking to the ken doll. I did as Cami said. I could feel the fumes from the candles wrapping around me and I grew a little aggitated. I picked up my doll and started to take her dress off, I wanted another one. Cami stopped fussing with her doll and looked at me. She reminded me that it was not time to take the dress off the doll. I gripped the doll tighter and looked at Cami. She had a stern look on her face and she frowned. I started to take the dress off again and she reached out taking the doll from my hand.

The mind is strange. It has episodes when it just shuts off entirely. Things are put in the wrong order and sometimes just erased. I do not remember rising from the floor, I do not remember leaping on top of Cami but I do remember choking her.

I had both hands around her neck and I was strangling her. I slammed her head onto the floor countless times as she made a gurling squealing noise through the opening that she had left in her throat. Her hands were wrapped around mine trying to pry me loose from her. I only let her go long enough to reach for some weapon with my right hand. I grabbed one of the barbie furniture peices that had sharp corners. I beat her face with the furniture while keeping my other hand around her neck. My thighs held her body down as well. I screamed at her not remembering what I was saying. Then I was pulled roughly from Cami. My mother was there and she was yelling at me.

My mother pulled me from Cami and saved my little friend that day. All the time she soothed me, death chided.

"see, I told you...she is an inbred fool. YOu should have killed her."

I was ashamed at how I felt and I ran outside.

1981

I stopped listening to death. I felt him near but I ignored him. Even when George was touching me, I let the pleasure pass through me. I had no desire to be as death wanted me to be. I was no killer, I was not that sort of evil and I had everything that George wanted. I think I beleived at some point that George loved me.

I started to approach him and take his hand in mine. I would draw him to my room and help him to find my special place. I know, I was a special knid of evil maybe. I was an evil that had time to grow and time to develop into what I should be. I had let him touch me, showed others how it felt when he touched me and now I was desiring that touch. I would alternate between lust and guilt. I would approach him and let him touch me and then, at other times, I would fight him and push him away.

All these thoughts should never have passed through this little child's mind but they did. I was chipping and coming apart. I could feel the surface leaking out some black fluid. The pink surface gave way to gray and my smile would turn deeper and my eyes slightly closed.

the things I learned were many, the pain I endured was horrendous...these things I gave away...my soul