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And so this thing was in motion. I didn't really know how I would do it but I was going to do it. I was going to remove the thing that was inside me.

At this time in life, I do not believe that I knew a God. I had known him fleetingly in the past but not now. When people at work would ask who wakes me up in the morning, I would tell them that it was my alarm clock. I thought they were hilarious and they gave me looks of pity. I hated their questions because it reminded me of high school. It seemed that you just couldn't get away from the high school mentality.

I started calling clinics in the area to get a quote of what my abortion would cost. The cheapest price that I hapt upon was around $350 and so I made plans to get up the money for the procedure.

Meanwhile, I grew sicker and sicker with morning sickness. I told no one but Venum about the things that I was going through...well, not until I found out Shirazz was still living in Memphis and I needed her to help me find a clinic. After a week or so, I found a clinic and made my appointment to get the procedure done.

One night at work, I got so sick that I had to leave. I went to the Boonevill hospital and told the doctor that I needed something for sickness. He made me go through an examination to prove my pregnancy. After the examination was over her offered me some prenatal viatmins. I told him that I didn't need the vitamins because I was going to terminate the pregnancy. He tried to get me to reconsider killing the baby and that many couples would be glad to adopt the child. I told him to mind his own business, jerked the perscription out of his hand and left the hospital. When I got in the car, I cried again but I knew I couldn't change my mind...I was alone in what I was feeling


1995

The day came for the procedure and so me and Venum traveled to Memphis to meet with Shirazz. She said she would go with us the next morning to the clinic. All I wanted to do was sleep until it was all over. I just wanted to be done with it and to have my body back the way it was. We arrived at her apartment on Highland and I curled up in a ball underneath a blanket on her floor. She apparently had no extra beds for us to sleep in. Over the course of that night, I kept waking up and peering from underneathe my blanket. Each time, I saw Venum and Shirazz talking away and laughing about something. I begged Venum to lay down with me but he preferred to stay up and talk to my friend. I felt so alone and I didn't understand why he wouldn't comfort me.


Morning of the occurance

We arrived at the clinic sometime around 9...it was located somewhere in Midtown but I just cannot remember exactly where it was. Venum and Shirazz decided to stay in the car while I was in the clinic and so I went in alone. I checked in and found a seat between two other women who were discussing how easy the procedure was. Apparently, this was not the first time that they had had an abortion. I was terrified and growing sick to my stomach. They didn't pay that much attention to me at first and so I watched the televison in the corner of the room. Every now and then I heard someone scream and yelp in pain.


The first room

The first room was the  education room. That is what I call it because that is what it was. A nurse came in to talk to a small group of girls at a time. She wanted us to see what the baby looked like at any given term of life. The more she talked, the sicker I got. She explained that most of us were only a couple weeks pregnant and how the pain would be different according to how far along we were.


The second room

The second room was a room in the attic of the small house. Most abortion clinics in the 90s were located in a house which had been transformed for the medical procedures. In the attic, I shared my story with other girls. One woman was here for her third abortion. She talked lightly and even laughed at times about how many living children she had and how many babies she had killed. To her, she was not killing babies at all, she was mearly removing a parasite. That was her words at least. Some of the other girls cringed at her words...me included. But nothing I heard could deter me from my destination and what I had come here for. I wanted to be free but I don't even think I knew the definition of the word.


The third room

Here, we waited and here we could hear them..the ones before us...crying and moaning in pain and disgust. I could also hear a doctor telling the women to be quiet and take the pain that they asked for. I was appalled...but I still didn't leave.


The changing room

In here, I removed all my clothes and prepared for examination


The Killing room

I arrived at my destination and lay upon the table. My feet were strapped into stirrups and two other people entered the room...women...all women. I was examined first off to see how far along I was. I was around 6 weeks pregnant. They didn't speak very much, they just alerted me to the fact that it would hurt and there would be no anestesia. They said that this was my decision and that I should take the pain like an adult. Two nurses held down my arms and the one between my legs reached in and pricked me somewhere inide my vagina. I felt a slight tug and pain. Then I saw this horrific machine being pulled toward me and in between my legs. The thing looked like a vaccuum cleaner. I saw the doctor place the hose within my vagina and flick a switch. At first, I felt pressure and then the pain came.

I felt it...ripe and hot and horrible. The pain tugged and cramped my abdomen in knots. I contorted with the pain and growled. I felt like someone was ripping my whole lower body from my upper body. I cramped again and again and I looked up at the nurse to my right whom wa holding my arm down. I pleaded and begged for her to stop hurting me. She had no expression in her face but she spoke.

"You wanted this...so you be quiet and take the pain."  She twisted and shoved me back down.

The pain pulled harder and wrenched me up off the table. The nurse to my left dropped my arm and shoved my abdomen back down.

I heard the doctor speak.
"Almost done...just about got it all." She turned up the dial and the machine continued to suck the new life from my body. I screamed again and dropped down onto the table in a pool of sweat. I felt a sharp object enter my vagina and move around. It stung and i bit my lower lip.

The nurses let go of my arms and I lay there in shock. I was so cold.

"I will clean you up and then you can go in the other room and lie down."


The recovery room

I lay there for an unknown time with a huge pad between my legs. I was told that I would probably bleed for three weeks and that I needed to get on birth control as soon as possible.
I was offered the Depo Provera and I took it.


Going home

I was such a sick bastard...guess what I did when I left the clinic and Venum took Shirazz home...I went shopping for a new dress to celebrate my new body.
and the death of my child.