The letter that was never sent

Dear, Peter

   And so, it has come to this. I am aware that you probably had no idea of the magnitude of how much I cared. I am sure of it now. And even though you are not available, I found it hard to ignore my feelings for you. This thing became a fixation, actually...kind of unhealthy to say the least. Oh, don't get me wrong, I care...care very much, but since the feelings are not reciprocated, I must focus on things that are returned. I know , I know...love is love...but there comes a time when you must put your energies on things that are going to make life better and not frustrating. And I was jealous and I did feel neglected which seemed to accelerate the decision of what I must do. I think anger made me realize that I was too important to spend my time stroking someone's ego and giving them attention when I was hurting just to be cared for...even if in the simplest forms of care..but unfortunately, you never noticed lots of small things that I said or done.

I will always respect you and love you...with a love that you may never understand. It is my choice to care but to distance myself from you. I have found something within you that makes it hard for me not to feel what I feel and so the only way I can sure myself is to limit my own to you.

I am not sure what has transpired or what games were played...I am not sure as to what you did or what I did to cause this strange and awkward atmosphere but I accept it for what it is. I hope that you are happy and really, it is very important to me that you are happy...even if I cannot make you happy myself. When I see you in pain, I hurt for you..silently, and sometimes you never know. When you are scared, I am unsettled and you have no idea that I feel that way. I may be silent about lots of things but I hold the truth inside. Sometimes, I write things down that I wished I could say to your face but I am scared.

Many were ridiculed in history for the way they believed or felt, I was ridiculed for the way I felt as well....once upon a time. Although, I stay silent and seem to be angry...I am not. I have just accepted things for the way they are. If the time comes that I must defend you, I would without question, but for now...I am done

                                                                                                                                     love always
                                                                                                                                       Anna