66

I found myself becoming more and more attracted to Venum. I worked with him every night and every night we flirted with each other. One night in particular, I was folding foam matresses with some of the other girls when he approached me. He was smiling really big and his hair was hanging very straight and appeared to be wet. Venum walked up to me while I was standing at the edge of the work table. He leaned in and sniffed my arm. With a smile he spoke.

"You smell so good....good enough to eat."

I blushed and  giggled.

That night Venum asked me out on an actual date and I said yes. I was so excited that I had a date with a man for the very first time. It was not some sorted private dance session, nor was it a date with a woman. It wasn't even a perverted cousin who wished to molest me. It was my first date with a man. I did not really know how to feel other than excitement and a little bit of fear. The fear, I knew, came from the fact that I was a virgin. At the thought of losing my virginity, I smiled.

August 17, 1994

Venum and I decided to eat lunch at the Pizza Factory for our date. Some of the best pizza can be found at this restaurant in Baldwyn Ms. I remember how I had a lollipop in my pocket and after lunch, I took it out and started to suck on it. I noticed Venum's beer and decided to stick my lollipop in the drink and swirl it around. I then licked the beer from the lollipop and Venum smiled. This action apparently turned him on..oh who was I kidding, I knew it would and that is why I did the act. We then asked each other various questions promising to remain honest about the answer. This is when I told Venum that I was a virgin. He seemed as though he did not believe me. I thought it was funny that he did not seem to think I had not been with other men.

After work, I decided to hang out with Venum again and see where  the night led us. As we were walking out to my brother's car, which I had been driving lately because he had borrowed my car, I discovered that I had locked the keys inside. I began to panic and both me and Venum sat for a while and tried to figure out what to do. It was already 12 Oclock midnight by then and we knew that we had to think of something. Venum said we could bust the windows out and get the keys but I was not happy with that. I knew my brother would kill me if I busted out his car windows. After messing with the lock for a long time, Venum finally removed the door handle itself and pried the door open. I retrieved my keys and Venum and I took off for a while before I had to go home.

We drove and drove for a very long time and told each other jokes. I think I told him every joke I could think of before becoming very exhausted from laughing so hard. At some point we decided to look for a cemetary to hang out in because it was something I said that I was interested in seeing in the area. On the way to the cemetary we played truth or dare. I was up for the dare and so I dared him to eat me....and of course, in the good way that is. He smiled and said ..okay.

We found a rather large cemetary on a hill placed directly behind a large brick church. The distant lights from the  various homes surrounding the property shone enough for us to see how to park. I got out of the car and walked around looking at the tombs that shone in the little bit of light that was provided us. looking back, I saw Venum smiling and motioning me to the car. He walked around and met me back at the hood of my brother's car. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised when he pulled me to him and spun me around sitting me down upon the hood. He pushed me back and spoke.

"I owe you that dare....remember"

I lay back on the hood of the car and Venum removed my jeans, then my panties. He pushed me back onto the hood of the car and softly began to lick my pussy. I leaned my head back and enjoyed it. After I was almost to my climax, he raised up and pulled me up with him. Taking me back to the car, he removed his pants, underwear and sat on the passenger seat. I looked at his manhood and was scared a little. He was rather large and I didn't know if I was going to be able to do what he wanted. I didn't know if it would hurt and I just stood there starring in fear. He pulled me to him and sat me down on his lap. His dick pushed up against my crotch, brushing my clit. I leaned in to kiss him and raised my hips up high enough to touch the tip of his dick to the opening of my vagina. I pushed a little then stopped, then i pushed down, down onto him and gasped. It did hurt a little but not as much as I had feared. I slid up and down and then began to giggle.

"What's so funny?"

I did not reply but I just enjoyed the ride. When we were done, I lay upon his chest and almost fell asleep. Looking up at him, I had the strangest premonition. I felt that I would know him for a long time, that we would be together and spend years with each other. I had no idea where this thought came from but it was there. Call it virgin obsession, call it insanity...but that vision crossed mind. I ran my fingers through his thick hair and kissed his lips.

After a while of laying there together, we decided that it was time for me to get back to my parents. I had my brother's car, so I had to go back home that night and not my apartment. I dropped Venum off at his grandmother's house where he was staying. As I was about to close the door after saying goodbye, Venum stopped me and kissed me on the cheek. I was shocked. I thought the night was just about sex. He spoke and laughed.

"I don't want to just have sex...I do respect you."

I rubbed the place on my cheek where he kissed me and got into my car.

When I was in my old bedroom at my parent's house, I sat upon my bed and thought about the night. The sensation of Venum being inside me was still there. I squeezed my vaginal muscles and felt his manhood had left a soreness that I loved.

I had finally lost my virginity.

65

I had acquired an apartment but I had no furniture and so I kept driving to my parent's house every night after work. A couple times, I left Marvin at my apartment while at work. He wanted to be there despite the fact that he had to sleep on the floor if he got tired. After work, I would pick him up and take him home on the way to my mother and father's house. Me and Marvin, our relationship was fading fast and I just didn't know how to tell him or break it off. Sometimes there is no distintive reason why you aren't interested in anyone anymore. My relationship with Marvin went fast and seemed to be ending fast as well.

At work, I would hang with Tracey and Venum, smoking pot and drinking beer on lunch break. We always took the backroads and talked while getting high. One day, Venum never showed up in the parking lot to go with me and Tracey to get high. When I saw him in the plant, I told him that he missed out. He smiled and flirted with me. I guess because I was a virgin, I was so bashful when he smiled at me. Little by little we began to flirt more.

There was another girl, named Lori. She was really pretty with thick legs and blonde hair. She wore lots of makeup and was very tan. I could tell that Venum was interested in her and I started to feel jealous when they talked. I tried to hide it and I think I hid it well. She had been with lots of men and I knew she was willing to do things that I had never done before. At that moment, I wished I had the experience with men that she did.

My tapes

I bought Interview with the Vampire on audio cassette and listened to it over and over when I drove to work. I would listen to it so much that I started to memorize the words to the novel. I do not know why I did this but I did know that it reminded me of Nasha and our time together. I started to dream of vampires as well. Obviously, it was because of the tapes. One day when me and Venum were going to the store on lunch break, I played the tape. I wanted to gauge his reaction to the book. He started smoking and at first, did not pay any attention to the tape. Finally, he looked at me and said..."What are you listening to?"

I smiled and said. "Oh, it's just Interview with the Vampire".

I was surprised when he said he liked listening to the tapes. We drove in silence and listened to Claudia's lines about when she saw Lestat at the the piano...after she had tried to kill him. I looked to Venum and he was engrossed in the story. As we pulled into Sonic drivein to get some lunch, he spoke. It was an odd admission but I was intrigued and thrown off just a little by his words.

"You know, I am the son of satan." He grinned and laughed then took a hit from the joint and put it out in my ashtray. I just looked at him in a strange way wondering where this was going to lead. I laughed as well.

Venum repeated the statement and looked at me from over the rim of his sunglasses. "really, I am. My father is the fucking devil."

We both started to laugh and then ordered our food.

No car, no inhibitions

Venum said he had no car, or rather that his car was broken and he didn't have the money to fix it. I voluteered to give him a ride home after work and he seemed happy with that solution. I will never forget when Venum asked me if I would sneak some foam matresses that we made at the factory, into my car. He kept insisting that I could stack the mattresses and use them as a bed. I reluctantly accepted and helped him stuff them into my back seat. After dropping off the mattresses at my apartment, I drove on toward Venum's home. I was ashamed to admit to him that I did not have enough money to get home. He volunteered to give me some money for gas. We got to talking so much and so in-depth that we had to pull over on the side of the road and talk. We looked at each other's scars and listened to stories which told details of how the scars came about. Finally, we headed to Venum's uncles house. Venum was staying there with his uncle since he had just moved back to Mississippi from Detroit. I was nervous while there because I didn't know anyone. I saw the light skinned girl from work whom Venum said was his sister, I saw a young man who was very tall and an older man who seemed to be crippled in some way. They all looked me over and then continued with the activities they were doinbg before I opened my mouth to speak. Of course they were all nice to me and Venum gave me a fiver to get back home.

I left and started my long drive back to Ashland. The night was odd and warm and I could hear a light humming in my head. I knew that part of me that was mischevious was at least content for the moment and so I let her be. I thought about the night's events and smiled.

I returned to work the next night and kept to myself. I didn't want to be too needy or clingy to Venum in fear that he would turn away and give all his attentions to Lori. I spoke to him a couple times but waited to see if he would come to me. I had learned the disasters with dealing with Kine and Nasha and knew how the pain of rejection felt. I also felt broken and tainted in some way, as if I was completely incapable of carrying on a normal conversation with a man without seeming too this or too that. I had severe failings with emotions and social interaction. Although I tried to hide it and did pretty well at times, I knew that they noticed my flaws and that further terrified me. I was outgoing, don't get me wrong, but I was broken...I had always been broken, scarred and distant. I wanted to be more than that.

The lost entry

Peter,

I have to say these things because I do not know If I will ever have the courage to clear the air with you. It is not that I am a coward it is just that I do not wish to make things any more awkward than they already are.

I guess I should start off by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry for the strange way that I act and by now, you probably know why. Believe me when I say that I had no idea where my mind was leading me...I had no idea that it was leading to you. You were just another friend of mine and it never really crossed my mind to think of you in any other way. I cannot pin point when it happened exactly but my mind shifted in my thinking...way before we ever 'talked'. Because, to me, it is important that you know that it was all my doing and nothing that you did.

I would assume that the reason why you limit conversation with me is because of the fact that you know how I feel and you are making sure that I know that I cannot cross any lines, which is totally understandable. What you do not know, however, is that when I am the only one who you "ignore", I feel like a peice of shit. I guess this is not really any concern of yours and I was wrong about the fact that I matter at all. But when my friends talk about the friendly conversations they have with you and when I see you laughing for long periods of time with others, I feel so left out and yes, a little jealous. Not, jealous in the way you might think, just jealous because I cannot laugh and talk with you as others do. It is a very hurtful feeling and I wish I could rewind time to before I saw you differently.

And sometimes I know I over-react and seem pretty creepy. That is never my intention at all. I guess I just kind of let myself be...as I am. I feel freedom and did not realize that I was letting myself and my soul go to wherever it wanted to go. I lost track of reality and saw things as I saw them...which is so much different than the way some others see them.

I am truly sorry for being the way I am

Anna

64

1994-Fall


I would like to talk a while about a boy I got to know named Marvin. He was a little older than I, probably around the range of 23 or so. I already knew Marvin from years before. He was friends with Kathy first, then Belinda and Katrina. He started to flirt with me off and on at times, but I paid very little attention to him. After a while, like so many other instances, a person begins to notice things. I finally decided to talk to him. when I worked at the Dodge store for the solitary week, Marvin would come and visit. He did not have a car and so he would walk from his apartment to see me. We would talk and laugh about things that most people never even thought about. He was basically a nice guy with a slight mental disorder which helped him to be just quirky enough and interesting. He did not work and was already drawing disability payments every month because of his disorder. This disability income kept him housed and fed but left no room for purchasing a car. I just felt the need to provide a little background on Marvin to further enrich the story. Marvin was odd, to say the least but so was I and Marvin couldn't keep his hands off me for even a moment when we were together. At this point I was looking for someone to give my virginity to. I considered being  with Marvin and asked him if he would wear a condom. He told me that he was allergic to condoms, which seemed so silly in my opinion and so I refused to have sex with him....well, in the ordinary way that is. I remember he would insist on lying with me in my underwear and grinding against my hip. Then he would get on top of me and 'panty pump' me as hard as he could...even to the point of almost penetration. On several instances he slammed me so far into his couch that I got stuck. I became sore so many times because of his insistance on having pseudo sex with me. I gave him head for the first time and it was the first time I had given anyone head. I remember how he grabbed my hair and tried to choke the shit outta me with his dick. He was not small nor was he large but it was very uncomfortable to me none-the-less. After it was over, his semen was so thick that it clung to my throat and I had to drink some soda to wash it down. I have always heard that the thicker the semen, the healthier a person was. I am not positive if that is correct but it seems so to me after the things that i have witnessed till the present day.

I was still unsatisfied to a certain degree and kept trying to get Marvin to wear a condom. He, in turn kept denying me and trying to have unprotective sex. I just got angry.

Marvin started to frustrate me and I became bored with his games. I did not stop talking to him but I started to write again about being in a hellish place. My bruises from strange sex with Marvin made me angry at him. I wanted penetration but I wanted to be safe. I wanted to feel what other women felt and to know what that sort of pleasure could bring.

My new job

My job was on second shift at a foam fabrication plant. Every night, I would go to work and fold matresses made of foam. I felt odd at first because I did not know anyone and the first day was even filled with a hectic chaos. My lead supervisor was named Kegle. Kegle brought me from the office on my first day and walked me to the plant facility in the rear of the group of plants. As soon as we walked in the front door of the facility, he was rushed by two employees who were beyond angry at some altercation that was happeneing at the plant. A very light skinned man with a funny hat and a heavy set girl who seemed to be of the same skin tone were using a very colorful arrange of curse words to convey their displeasure with a man named Ed. Kegle sputtered and looked at me as if he was apologizing for the outburst. I just stood there and listened to the whole conversation wishing I was somewhere else. After talking to the duo and calming them down, Kegle finished giving me the tour of the facility and showed me what I was going to do. I noticed the guy in the funny hat kept giving me odd looks and the heavy girl would laugh at him. I looked around the plant and saw so many others looking at me. I just cowered down a bit and tried to blend in.

My first friend at the plant was Tracey. This girl was wild, I could tell from the first word out of her mouth. And, I knew before long that she loved to smoke pot. I started to hang out with Tracey at lunch break everyday and smoke weed. After a couple of days with hanging with Tracey, the light skinned guy with the funny hat approached us while me and TRacey was sitting in her Truck. He just walked up and offered her some money and climbed into the truck with us. He smiled at me and asked me my name. I told him my name and started to make small talk. He seemed really sweet and interesting. AS Tracy pulled out of the parking lot to go to the store on lunch break, this guy began to roll a joint. He then reached into his pants and pulled out a handgun. I was shocked. Who was I dealing with here, I wondered. I turned back to face the front of Tracey's truck. I became so very nervous, not just because of the gun and the weed but because I found the man to be very attractive. He was wirey and small and his skin was the most beautiful color of skintone that I had ever seen in my life. His hair was dark brown and hung all the way to his shoulders. His eyes were dark brown and his lips were full. His funny hat was cute and so I smiled and laughed for no reason.

I turned to the guy with the funny hat and smiled. I realized that i hadn't even asked him what his name was.

"Excuse me, I didn't catch YOUR name.."

He reached toward me with his hand, gentlemanly like and smiled back...then he answered.

"I'm Venum."

63

1994

Summer

I returned home and spent the remainder of the summer in my old room. During the day I would sleep on and off taking my meds and reading. During the night I would steal liquir from my brother's closet and write drunken poetry. The days and nights began to blur into one. I had no desire to dance because I was still reeling from the experience with Mr. Karn. I told no one about the experience as they would have judged me for what I had done. I went away from Memphis making around 500 dollars from the 'secret' work that I did. If you are reading this now, then from you it is no longer a secret that I keep. I cannot say that I am ashamed of what I did as of now, because my virginity remains intact...if you do not consider my molestation as part of my sexual experience nor do you consider my relations with two women to be the cause of my virginities death. To men, I was still a stranger and afraid of them to some extent...well, at least Sherrie was. But when that presence came to me, she was not afraid and she was predatory. I did not see her for quite some time after she humiliated me at the Karn's house.

My father was always trying to get me to do things, go out; but I had no desire to see anyone. I just wanted to fade into a world of fantasy for now. I filled binder after binder with drunken scribbles, things I had wanted to say forever. I only confided in my brother but only those things that I thought he would not surely hate me for. I told him about my struggles with knowing what I was going to do in life.

After some time and on into the early fall, I decided to get a job. I set out to apply in different places in the neighboring town of Ripley. The very first job I acquired was working at a Chinese Restaurant. I worked at the establishment for only a week seeing as they did not really need that much help. Then I went on to work at The Dodge Store Gas station in Ripley. I was also there for only one week. My money came up short because of a gas drive off and so they laid me off. I decided to try my luck at a thing called a Temporary agency. There I applied to a place called Bio Clinic. After a week, I was hired for the assignment.

The Green  Monkies

Before I started the job I had the opportunity to meet some very wonderful friends with whom I would share a big portion of my inner pain. They were beautiful and odd...almost as broken as I, in my opinion. Belinda and Katrina ran an art shop in downtown Ripley. I started to make frequent trips there for painting classes and got to know the two ladies very well. These ladies were quite a bit older than me but seemed to be as young as I in spirit...and their faces were void of wrinkles... they were almost flawless. Katrina was a pagan and I also was intrigued by that aspect of her whole identity.

 Of course, Allen was also friends with them as well. I met a man named Kenith through Belinda and Katrina and found him so very amusing and loveable. Kenith was a writer as well and such a comedian. Although I saw him very few times, I knew he was a gem and someone who couldn't be easily forgotten. I loved them all...and even got to watch my first male stripper at Belinda's birthday party. I did not know what to think of him, gyrating around in those bikini briefs, I think I may have even blushed which was very odd for me. We did so many things together which revolved around that little art shop.

 The girls would joke about being the Green monkies and so I painted them a small plaque featuring little green monkies and the logo in which they referred to. They hung the plaque in the doorway of the office. They were proud of it and proud to be women who lived outside of the box...as I. I loved them dearly and just last year, the present year of 2013, Katrina passed away. My heart still hurts for her.

Moving on

My life was about to change...and change very drastically in the years to come. I had no idea what it had in store for me and just wandered through life in a daze at this time. I got my shit together...sobered up and got ready to go to my first day of full time work. I enrolled in the Community college just before I started my job. The college was at least an hour from my parent's house and then my job was 30 minutes further from my home. I would commute for the time being to both school and work and would be at home only to sleep. This kept me from having to see George and ended any altercations that I might have with him. Otherwise, at this stage of my life, I may have killed him.


 

sherrie, the timid one

speak for me...when I am so enamored by your presence that I cannot speak...
touch me ...when nothing but your touch could  ease my pain
give to me...that which I desire more than death
...my breath is more fleeting that the thought of you...
recognize me...when all you can see is the mask
of denial....
my trial in the absense of you...
true to my part
my heart breaks...
..and I am still unspoken...

My loving and cruel mistress...Spirit

I was more than curious by now about that strange and exotic presence that seemed to come from within me. She was not like death...outside of myself and watching. She was like fire and ice together, she was like a ferocious animal with the desire to devour everything and feed it at the same time and she was me...inside. I knew this down to my core. I knew this because I could only see her in my dreams and feel her hand in mine.

She was my strength when I had to do something unbearable, she was my strength when there was no one there to stand for me and most of all....she was my strength when passion grew too strong and Sherrie needed the will to speak from the heart. She was enough and yet she was trouble...so much trouble and uncontrollable at times. Sometimes when I thought I needed her the most, she would not come...yet, she would wait....wait until my aggravation with her was so embedded into my brain that my whole head ached. Then and only then, she would come to me and tell me why....I was wrong.

and she would laugh...pushing me into dangerous waters....drowning my in my sorrows deep within the night. I loved and hated this new found part of me. For, it divided the true from the fake, it took what It needed to survive and it made my body ache to host it.

Sometimes, when the mental pain was so much...I would release it by bloodletting. Sometimes when that didn't work, I would writhe in pain until she decided my punishment had been fitting.

62

That thing which gave me strength and invincibility when I was sitting at the river; it wasn't here now. I stood for a long time just looking in the mirror at the Masked Madame. I turned to check my hair and the knife poked me in the ribs. "Ouch fucking Ouch!" That was the most idiotic thing that I could have done. I thought quickly of a way to conceal my weapon. I was scared, I did not know this man and he could be a murderer. I stuck my hand into my bodice and retrieve the little sticker. I looked at the blade and sat it on the sink.

"What the fuck have I gotten myself into? I haven't even gotten any money yet." I looked in the mirror and wished that giggly silly dark thing would come and save me...but that thing was not here. I knew that I had to do this on my own...as Sherrie...the scaredy cat. I pouted and then picked up the knife again.

" I guess I will put this out there ...somewhere...where I can get to it...I don't know...ugggh!" I stopped fuming and exhaled.

I heard a manly voice call from somewhere close to the bathroom. "Are you ready, baby?"

I cringed at the thought of dancing for the old man. He seemed frail enough but looks can be decieving in this odd world of ours. so, that was it...it was time...and there I went.

I opened the door and walked out of the room. The hallway was long and so I had time to think of a basic routine to play by. At the end of the hallway was a large room. A room larger than any I had ever seen before. I looked around and did not see anyone at first. I saw a bar, several couches and a huge sculpture. Then, with further survey of the room, I saw him. He was sunken into the very large chair near the right corner of the room. He wore clothes and that was a good thing. I let out a nervous sigh and approached him. As I walked toward him he beckoned me further. I saw the bills in his hand and so I perked up a bit.

"Here you go sweetheart, I thought I better pay you before the show." He cackled and sit back sipping some strange looking yellow drink. I cringed as his lips curled around the brim of the glass and he slurped.

I closed my eyes a moment in hopes that the presence would take over me and bring me through this. She or he or it...they were absent..nothing. I could not believe that the thing which drew me here would abandon me. I swayed slowly and then stopped. I looked down at the man and he was laughing.

" I guess you could use a little music , huh?" he reached out with a small black remote and switched the music on. I could not see where it came from but it came non the less..a raving brooding rhythm that I did not recognize. I felt it and it felt me...and I swayed again. Moving my hips, I dipped down lown and grinded back up again. At times I opened my eyes to see what the old coot wad doing and then I would close them again, silently calling the silly thing to come to me. My hair whipped round twice and I got dizzy. When I opened my eyes one hand was in his pants and the other claw was gripping his chair. I closed my eyes again and rolled my stomach caressing my torso and walking toward him. I opened my eyes and I was frozen. The old man was shaking, convulsing and spitting white foamy stuff onto his collar. I gasped and stood still. what was happening?

"Sir, are you okay?" I watched him as if he was a movie. I could not move. I think time did stand still for a moment and then he came to and he smiled

"Ah, so you think you are gonna cheat me of my dance, huh? I will just take what I want then." He rose and growled at me.

..he chased me. I remember running from that old man in that house that I did not know. I looked frantically for the front door but could not recognize what I was looking at. I was feeling faint. I ran round the bar and into the bathroom.

 I don't know what happened in that space of time between closing myself off in that bathroom and fleeing but I remember the glass of that hell house imbedded in my arm. I know that I ran and I got out, I know that I cried because my make up was smeared onto my face when I looked into the mirror for the first time at the gas station. I remember the way that people starred and whistled at me when I ran into the bathroom. I threw up twice in that disgusting toilet in that disgusting bathroom...I got rid of that disgusting feeling from that disgusting man. I cried and cried and never once did that silly giddy strange part of me come to the rescue.

61

I met Robert and he seemed like a very nice man. He was very professional about what he did and very stern about his rules. I learned what each girl specialized in but will not indulge you with details. I will say that some were dominant female dancers and some were submissive ones. When we arrived at Robert's office we were all dressed in sexy outfits. They were going to see if Robert would let me work for him too. I was very excited about it and just couldn't keep still. We all gathered in the front room and each had a Mike's Hard lemonade to loosen up. Robert came in and introduced himself to me and then set forth telling me about the business.

To make a long story short, I was to take a topless picture for my profile. Then I was to train with the other girls. I was never to have sex with the customer and I was definitely too new to do dominant shows. Robert said that I would be good as a young virgin dancing girl. He said the men would really go for that sort of thing. I was very dissapointed by this and wanted to argue with him. My rebelious nature tried so hard to set in and set him straight but I kept quiet. The rest of the meeting went along fairly uneventful and I zoned out. Nasha kept asking me what was wrong but I just said nothing and smiled at her. Something inside of me wanted to own that room, take control and do as I pleased but I just held that feeling down until I left. I told Nasha that I needed time alone and so I drove out to the river to brood. My thoughts were rampant...my swirling brain just could not keep still. HOw could he expect me to dance as an innocent girl? The last thing I wanted to do was play the victim to some old coot in his midtown mansion while he shot up with heroine or snorted cocaine. I threw rocks into the water and fumed.

 That is when I saw him, a boy, not much older than me...he was starring. I was boiling inside...boiling with something that felt alien to me. It was anger but it was something more. I got up and walked toward the boy.

"Hello." I said putting my hands into my pocket. My black hoodie was pulled up over my head so I looked down at him from the darkness of the cover.

He starred up at me and smiled. "Hi.."

I squated down in front of him and looked into his eyes. I don't know where the voice came from but it came. It was different...giddy and perky but dark like tinkling dark crystal. I licked my lips and ran my finger underneathe the chain around my neck.

I bent closer and whispered. "Are you lonely, little boy?"

He looked frightened but intrigued at the same time. The teenager started to move his lips but nothing came out. He just starred at me.

"Do you want some company?" I asked pushing the question further.

He smiled and stuttered. "y...y...yes."

I stood and held my hand down to him. "come with me, then."

He put his hand in mine and we walked down the river back to my car.


That night

Nasha and I decided to go out together with Joe. We weren't sure where we were going but we had more weed to smoke. I carried my pipe and she rolled joints. We didn't bother to pull over or to roll the joints in her house. We just drove, rolled and smoked until my car was filled with so much smoke it was like Cheech and Chong. We went to restaurants, bars and even to Tip's house. Joe wanted to stop and pick up a friend so we drove even more...way out to the north side of Memphis. We ended up driving all over Memphis several times over. AT some point we ended up back at Red Square and danced a bit. Then after midnight we drove down by the river to get high again. I will never forget how we saw the moon that night and swore that it was turning into blood. It was so bright red and huge that we chased it along the river, trying to get glimpses of the heavenly body between the warehouses and delapitated buildings that skirted the river. About an hour later, it started to rain and I had to turn on my windsheild wipers. When the wipers would swipe the windsheild to and fro I could have sworn that I heard them say..."Odin."

For a long period of time we listened in awe at the prophecy coming from my windsheild wipers. I thought of Gina, my Norwegian ex girlfriend, and wondered if she had a message for me. A cop stopped at the stop sign across from us. I took a hit from the joint, passed it and then passed the cop. He never turned back to follow us.


The last night with Nasha

I was leaving and I would miss Nasha. I wanted to talk to her about Matt but she kept insisting that she did not feel like talking about him anymore. I told her that I visited his grave quite often and she said nothing. I gave her a hug and told her that I was not interested in working for Robert.. I never told her that I was going out on my own to do the same thing when she fell asleep..she would be angry with me. I found no reason to have any mediary involved in such a business, why it was just too easy to accomplish on my own. That thing inside would take over and like a radar it would zone in on those who wished for what I could provide. I smiled with secret knowledge of what I had accomplished the night before and never even soiled myself. I checked the time and remembered something I had to do. I kissed Nasha and told her goodnight.


At the Mansion

I arrived around midnight and knocked at the back door. Mr. Karns let me in and locked the door behind me. He led me up the stairs and showed me to the bathroom where I could change. I looked in the mirror and wondered if I could I do this. I freshened my make up and pulled on my fishnets. I secured my bodice tightly and adjusted my mask. I waited...waited for that unknown feeling to take over, because Sherrie was just too nervous and scared to do this thing. I started talking to myself under my breath because I was petrified. I checked to make sure I did have things that I needed for protection. I slid a knife into my bodice and secured my pepper spray in my bag underneathe the sink. I twirled my hair like Kathy did in school and I waited.

"Come on.....where are you??"

60

In a daze, I moved with the music. It was hypnotic and magical. The strobes had a life of their own as they pulsated and flickered against my sweaty skin. I moved forward brushing up against Nasha as she gyrated to the thrumming of the rave music. From behind, someone bumped into me and then fell away. The surface of my skin, my lips and my hands were eveloped in a numb euphoria...I danced. The waves of notes passed through my body electrifying me from the inside. In a moment, Nasha was gone and I was surrounded by strangers. There were faces of teenagers bobbing up and down in a sea of flesh and  I was lost at sea. Ahhhh, this was where I never wanted to be and never wanted to leave. It was addictive and poisonous...it was chaotic and true. I was drowning with my own devices....hahaha

My body flailed to the side and grew limp. I was pushed onward toward some desintation in the crowd. The faces parted one by one until I saw someone who looked familiar...very familiar indeed. I was astonished and mesmerized by the similarity of this face. There was something eerie and yet strangly comforting about this facade. And then I realized what I was looking at; it was a mirror. I danced closer to the shiney surface and tilted my head. I watched myself dancing to and fro...moving my hips and running my hands through my hair. I smiled and the woman before me smiled back...well of course she would, because she was me. I was such a silly high and drunk girl. I made faces and watched as my imageconverted to mimick my movements. I saw some strange guy come up behind me and take hold  of my waist, guiding me in my movements. The image smiled...but I swear I wasn't smiling because the guy startled me...but the image smiled.... I saw him bend his face down to my ear and speak.

"Hello beautiful." he cooed.

I just kept dancing as if I did not hear his attempted pick up line. I moved my hands up my stomach and across my breasts. The image giggled and I smiled. I knew at that moment that I never even laughed. I ran my hands up my neck and up up into the air. As I pulled them down I ran them both down the sides of the guy's face. He was beautiful. His honey colored dreads hung just below his ears and his eyes were translucent green. His muscular arms wrapped around my waist and he made a pleasurable sound. I pushed my ass back against him and spun around. Looking into his eyes I smiled and giggled.

"You are such a bad bad boy...what is your name?"

"I am Eli, what is your name?" he smiled obviously very pleased.

You do not need to know who I am. I really do not think you want to know who I am, silly boy."

I felt a rush of adrenaline pass through me. A giddy pleasure took hold of my body and I started to dance as I had never danced before. I felt like a stranger to myself but it felt better than any high I was experiencing before hand. I reached underneathe his shirt brushing his nipples with my fingertips. His chest hair was sparse and his nipples were peirced.

"Ooooh I wanna see...."

I lifted his shirt and gasped at the appearance of twin nipple peircings.

He grinned even bigger. "You like?"

I looked up into his eyes and inhaled. "Oh yes, Me like."

The gorgeous guy bent to my ear and whispered. "Let's leave here. YOu want to go somewhere more private?"

As I was about to answer him with an affirmitive reply, I felt something trickle onto my underwear. I froze in the spot and waited to see what was going to happen next. I felt another tickling sensation and then another. I realized that something was wet in my underwear. Maybe I was so turned on that I was creaming right then and there. I was astonished. I looked up at him and he realized that something was wrong.

"ARe you okay?" he asked.

I hesitated then answered. "I...I will be back."

I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. It seems that I was bleeding early. So much for Mr. beautiful.

I cleaned up and went to find Nasha. I did see him again before I left and he was shocked that all I was going to do was give him my phone number. He seemed very deflated but at least that was better than riding the crimson wave.

The rest of the night, I hung out at the bar, sipping on a bloody Mary.

Day 2

They had to have a talk with me, the girls did. They wanted to tell me what they all did for a living and yet did not want to scare me away because of what it was. I did not know what to expect from them. Actually, as the activities seemed so fast paced, I did not really care what they did, I just knew we were having a ball. They all gathered round the living area on the ground floor and waited for me. I came down the stairs and sat with my friends to hear what they had to tell me.

Betty was the leader of this group of girls, it seemed. She was always the one to speak to us about the night's activities when we were getting high. She stood and grabbed a cigarette from Nasha's puse. Sami sat in the corner chair writing in some little notebook. She glared at me and faked a bitter looking smile. Donna smiled and giggled a little. Nasha just looked at me with love and bekoned me to sit with her. Betty spoke and gave her speech so neatly as if this were something she told over and over to visitors. Why, was I on a tour?


"Sherrie....it seems like you fit right in with us. Nasha has said so many good things about you and I believe they are true. IN fact, I believe you have many many things for us to learn from. You are very cool." Betty took a drag from her ciggie and blew out that smoke. "With that being said, I want to tell you  what it is that we do here. You have noticed that money is not that big of a problem to come by for us, right? Thing is, we work hard for it but we make good money. And I assume you are interested in knowing what we do and so I will tell you. Robert is our boss, he is a very good man; he started this business alone. We work for Robert randomly, as he calls us to do a 'job'.  And we love Robert dearly, he is like our father....hehe ..well kind of." Betty turned and smiled at Donna.

IN a nutshell, we are private dancers. Dancers for money...do what they want us to do.... hahahaha" Betty laughed at her own joke spurring off Tina Turner's musical genius. She took off her pager and showed it to me. "We answer his page and get instructions on the type of job, or dance we have to perform. Then we go and do our job. When it is over, we get paid and wait for the next job or request. There are no 9-5 hours on this job, Sherrie."

Nasha's face went blank. Surely she was frightened that I would run away. Sami laughed and snorted.

"You scared the little bitch away!" Sami said barely able to contain her glee.


Maybe I was shocked...just a little but more than anything, I was jealous. The notoriety, the glamoure of the job was intriguing and enticing. I smiled without thinking too much about it. I watched as Betty gauged my reaction and then turned to look at Nasha. Nasha's face was blank

I glared at Sami and stood. Walking over to the goth girl, I grinned and spoke.

"Hardly, my dear...I just want to know if you need another dominant dancer in the group."

The girls laughed and gathered round to hug me...welcoming me into the group. My heart was full of love.

I tried...boy did I try to let her go; but there is just something captivating about eyes like the fog, hair like gold and a mouth that wants to suck a candy cane...year round.

59

June

"So, what do you do? I mean, how do you pay for this place?" I asked Nasha this question when we were finally alone and her pager was not going off like crazy.

Nasha smiled. "I will have to introduce you to Robert." She smiled and continued to wash her dishes in the little sink in the corner of her bedroom. She had this comical look on her face.

Her pager went off and she cursed it. Running her hand through her hair, she turned to me and made a sad face.

"Hey, I have to go to work. But, I wont be gone long. Would you just wait around for me? I mean, we can go hang out tonight." She hesitated, "I can introduce you to Betty and Sami."

I plopped back down on her pillow and sighed. "Okay".

Nasha asked me to come into the bathroom and talk to her while she got ready. It was torture to watch her undress and not being sure if she welcomed my touch. I was so enamored by her beauty and her smell. She climbed into a large clawfoot tub and pulled the curtain. As steam began to rise, I started to relay my life in the past year. When I started to talk about Matt, she got quiet, so I moved on.

She dressed ,left the house and I was alone. I got high again and popped a paxil.

Later that night...

I awoke to laughter...laughter throughout the house. I sat up and shook my head. I was still in my jeans and tank top and my hair was a mess. I went to Nasha's bathroom and freshened up. I dug into my bag and put on some of my Poison perfum, my favortie perfume. I ran down the stairs and stood in the foyer. To the left was a closed door and to the right I saw them, all of them...I suppose. Nasha was there, hanging over the back of a couch onto someone's shoulder...a woman. Donna sat in the big recliner on the far side and some petite and very tanned goth girl sat on the floor rolling a joint. Two guys were sitting on the other couch laughing and coughing. I entered and said a timid hello. Nasha looked toward me and smiled, screaming my name.

I went into the room and looked around. Nasha introduced me to Betty whom she was just hanging over previously. Betty was a very tall vulumpuous woman with a long braid hung over her shoulder. She seemed very open and friendly and she stood to say hello. She hugged me and made a happy noise...mmmm. Nasha called Sami's name and she looked up. she had daggers for eyes, she made a dismisive noise then looked back down. Nasha scolded her and she looked back up.

"Hello Sherrie" she said with disdain.

The two guys were staring and so Nasha introduced them as Joe and Tip. Apparently Joe was her new boyfriend. I bowed and took a seat next to Betty. We passed the joint around and we all got high.

even Later

I awoke to an iguana being shoved into my face. I screamed and backed away across the carpet. I could hear laughter and could see fuzzy faces. My vision was still adjusting to the scene before me. After a time, the face became solid but I did not recognize her. I looked around and noticed that I was not in the same place. I was not in the big house anymore...haha. This lady was middle aged and I had no idea who she was. I looked around the floor and saw an empty wine bottle and an empty plastic bag. My quarter sack was completely gone. My brown jewelry chest sat empty and starring at me.

"Damnit!"

Nasha came in a doorway to my right and squealed

"Sherrie, you're awake!!! Let's go out!"

And so the night began.

58

I had to have something to take me away from there. I had not yet realized the respect that I should have for my parents, despite their shortcomings. When I left MCA I slept most everyday-sedated on Paxil and Prozac. For weeks I did not care about what I should be doing. I would wake for short periods of time to eat and use the bathroom and then to take a shower. After my shower, I would drug up and go back to bed. I had a talk with my aunt and alerted her to the fact that I was going back home soon. I had no desire to remain in Memphis but assured her that it wasn't any of her doing that made me want to leave. I felt bad for using her because that Is what I did for so long on my adventures in college. I did have a concience, despite what others may think and what you have read here. I have a heart that desires a home and soul that desires to be fulfilled.

I left out for my parent's house in late May, after my friends had all gone back home for the summer...or for good. When I arrived, things were just as they were before; my brother was still living at home, my parents were eating dinner and George was walking down the little dirt road. I cringed when I saw him. I reached into my purse and downed a paxil before turning in to bed. I locked my door behind me and pulled a bottle of Brandy from my hiding place underneathe my bed. Taking a swig, I pulled out a pen and notebook from my backpack. I started to write.

June 1994

Nasha called me...after months of being absent from my life, she called to say hello and tell me what she had been up to during the time we had been apart. She was working in Memphis with a group of girls and had a nice place that she shared with those girls. She asked me to come visit her. So, I agreed and made plans to stay a couple days with my old friend.

Memphis again...and I never thought I would come back here. I didn't want to feel those feelings again. I fell in love here and it still lingered on the air that I breathed. I drove through town thinking of Gina, wondering what she was doing and if she missed me at all. I drove through east Memphis on into midtown and just a little further. I found the address nestled at the deadend of a street that presently I cannot remember. It was a plantation style house, white columns, vines growing all around the windows. Beautiful and creepy at the same time, I took it all in. I found a place to park and glanced back at the house. She stood there on the porch with her beautiful golden blonde hair flowing in the wind. She smiled at me and squinted those amazing gray eyes. My breath caught by her beauty and my hands trembled slightly. God, I had missed her. She ran down the steps and stopped just at the bottom. She smiled and put her hands in her pockets. I got out of the car and adjusted my sunglasses. My wavy auburn hair blew into my face obstructing my vision temperarily. A shadow stood beside her for a moment then disapated. I frowned and walked across the street. We embraced and I could smell her purfume, her hair and I could feel her soft skin pressed against mine. I inhaled her..the obsession I had for her before, it returned in full force. I took her face in my hands and kissed her soft lips. She smiled and led me inside.

The house was old but abslutely gorgeous on the inside. I could smell incense and something else. A curvy and very sexy blonde stood at the top of the staircase. She smiled down at us as we came in the door. Nasha looked up and her and introduced me.

"Donna, this is Sherrie. She is spending the weekend with us."

Donna skipped down the stairs and giggled. She resembled a younger version of Marilyn Monroe, with the full breasts and hips. She bit her bottom lip and spoke.

"Nasha told me everything about you, Sherrie. I am so excited to meet you!"

Donna grabbed hold of Nasha and pulled her upstairs...with me following close behind. I scanned my surroundings as I ascended the stairs. There were pictures hung here and there of various painters. Sexy paintings,suggestive paintings and things which I can not explain. I turned back toward the two girls who were chattering excitedly about where they were gonna take me.

When we reached the second floor, where Nasha's room was located, we sat down on the floor. Nasha and another girl Betty had full reign of the second floor. They shared a very large bathroom and extra closet. Betty's door was closed so I assumed she was out. Nasha's bedroom was large with a window seat on the front side of the house looking out on the street below. I wondered when Betty would come out of that room but they said she was a night person.

We talked about various things, including what had been going on the previous year and about the activities that we would indulge in in the following days to come. Nasha insisted that I stay longer than the weekend and so I decided to spend the week with her instead. I opened my backpack and took out a rather large wooden jewelry chest. OPeneing it, I pulled out a large bag of marijuana. They gasped and giggled with glee.

"WEll, look at that, I say we start now!" Nasha exclaimed with glee.

57

May 28,1994



I remember that Ashley painted flowers, she sold weed too. That day we gave her our money which she added to her own to buy a half pound. The dealer, as we found out later, took our money along with hers and split. No surprise of course, this was to us.



After finding another source, we drove around M town and visited a couple friends. The party started before we arrived too and there was people there that I didn’t even know. This was no surprise, cities are just like that. And, being in the artsy neighborhood, there were freaks, painters and poets on Tucker street that night.



We were broke for the most part, so we bought Old English 40s and made a circle in the living room floor of Gina and Shanal’s apartment. In the center, we placed the bag of weed. It was a shrine to the great Fuck Upeth, I reckon. we sat around, sipping the malt beverage while I wrote poetry…soon to become drunken scribbles. I never realized the bag of weed was gone until I saw some blonde guy smoking the whole thing in a giant joint.



There were fights as well, as usual for college parties. Bruce groped Shanal, making Yasid very angry. Shanal retaliated on Yasid and informed him that she was not his girl and that he didn’t have to defend her. This made yasid and Shanal fight. A bucket of water was thrown over the balcony on Bruces head and someone was throwing apple pie around the room. Eventually I wrote on the wall with a snickers bar and we all passed out.



May 29,1994



I hate airport goodbyes, but who doesn’t. The day went so slowly and it was so hard. I feel my tears coming back, dripping on her poems she wrote. The gang went together to the airport to with Gina and Seji goodbye. They had to return to Oslo and we were all heartbroken. On the drive over, we reminisced about all the fun we had in Memphis over the past year.



Of course, we had to take two cars to accomadate all of Gina and Seji’s friends. It was me, Betanee(Japan),Hanen(Japan),Shanal(India), Yasid(India), Chee hu sun(China) and Mechelle(Tennessee). We talked of so many things while Honin drived. The time that Seji had gotten the dragon tattooed on her head was one of the funniest stories we chuckled about. I remember how I raced that train on the way to Rockys tattoo parlor and how everyone nearly shit their pants. I remeber the water fight on Tucker street where we could only use 10 gallon buckets. We even laughed about how the cops almost crashed our going away party from the night before. Betanee told the guys how Musi rejected me because I wasnt from Africa followed by my story of how my accelerator cable had frozen on the way to school one day and scared the shit out of me.



By the time we arrived at the airport, our stomachs were hurting from laughter.



We enterd the airport somberly and went through the motions of damnable airport goodbyes. I couldnt seem to tell Gina that I loved her, enough. Then, in one instant, she was gone.



Everyone in the gang knew I was hurting, and they had to have been searching for something to say. All of a sudden, Yasid fell to his knees in front of me, in front of every one in the airport and proposed to me.



I couldnt help but laugh as I pulled him back onto his feet.



June 1,1994



All I do is sleep, I feel like doing nothing else. My therapist prescribed some antidepressants to me and they seem like sleeping pills.



I told my aunt that I was moving back home in a couple weeks. I was dropping out of Art college and venturing out for something else.



I had no idea where I was going….except home.

56

4/19/1994-5/5/1994.




April 19,1994



The dreams come more often now. I often paint pictures of him in the studio. I miss Matt, his prophetic words, his soft dark eyes and most of all…his soul. He was something to ponder upon. I still try so hard to figure out so many things about him but fail miserably. I never got the painting back that i did for him either. I think, maybe, his family destroyed it. I don’t know where Nasha is and most of the time i hate her anyway.



I started reading Memnoch the Devil today. It seems like it will be a good book to read. I just need to take my mind off other things.



April 28, 1994



We fight all the time, me and Gina. Usually it is about ridiculous things that do not matter anyway. she is leaving and we are falling apart-all at the same time. We are having a party the day before she leaves. It was Shanal’s idea and I guess, all things considered, it will be a great party. All our parties are great. So, if a relationship is going to hell, why not throw a party, hmmm? Who fucking cares anyway.



May 4, 1994



I barely passed my evaluation in the basement. I had to gather several of my paintings and meet one of the advisors in the basement for evaluation. This would determine whether I should return to Art College next semester. These advisors are cruel and heartless mostly, in my opinion…and it wasn’t far from the truth actually. Every absense, every below average grade that I recieved was scrutinized harshly by the advisor of ‘their’ choice. Mr. Reisor questioned me on every fault that I had. He criticized the fact that I was still uncertain about what I wanted to do with my life.



When I told him I wouldn’t be returning the next semester, he came down harder on me. He actually went as far as to tell me that I would probably end up pregnant and drop out of the next college. I cried…my heart is so tender, i guess, but I cried. I felt raped in the mind by his criticisms and reminded of the F I recieved in painting 1.



And i wont be back. I don’t want the memory of failed love, harsh critics and steep financial hardships to rule my life. To be honest, I don’t know what I want. I just want to get away from MCA.



May 5,1994



Cinco de Mayo for some…for me, time to walk behind Brooks Museum and see, once more…our names carved in the bendy tree. I don’t know what kind of tree it is but its really twisted with low limbs. I was so happy when me and Gina sat there and ate our sub sandwiches and giggled about other strange painters.



I remember the day that me, her and B C got drunk and wrestled all over her apartment floor. And the one time, the old guy who said he helped produce the Wizard of Oz copped a feel while I had my picture taken with him. Yep, those were funny memories.



We talked about how, when I first learned to drive in Memphis, how I scared the shit out of everyone. It was a day we all had to do rubbings and take photos at the largest cememtary in M town. Me and Gina smiled, remembering how we lay on the tombstones together and kissed. We even convinced Henan to take our picture.


I  thought back, remembering the naked ramen noodle fights, the streaking across Poplar st  and I blushed when I thought about how they had all dared me and Gina to have sex in the apartment in from of her roomates. But it was the tree that kept coming to mind.
The tree was always for memories and gossip. I touched its bark and dropped a tear. Then I kissed it goodbye.



I wouldnt be back here in the fall.

55

2/24/1994




I saw Matt today-I really did. On my way out of the store on the corner of Highland and Cooper, i saw him drive by. He was in that old blue chevy he always drove. He looked at me and smiled. I just stood there staring at him..for a very long time.



I tried to call Nasha to tell her that I had seen him but her phone only rang for a long period of time. My heart was just about to beat out of my chest.



The police had ruled his death a suicide only weeks prior but I still didn't feel right about it all. In my dreams I saw candles and strange symbols drawn on the floor. some of the symbols resembled spirals and hearts. It was the strangest mass I had ever seen. I saw him, hanging there, white, hair gone white as well. I would always awaken to screams and sweats. One night I even wet myself in fear. I was so ashamed.



3/15/1994



I visited home this weekend and pulled the letters that the evangelist lady gave me, from my closet. I had hidden them in a shoebox up on the top shelf. I sifted through the papers, back to the ones that I had written Matt. Behind those letters were his song lyrics. I started to read through them, paying attention to every word he said. I felt cold fingers crawl up my back as I read his words of suicide. He talked to hangings and black magic in his song. I flipped the paper over and saw something that made me drop the paper. Looking down on the backside of the lyrics to his song, I saw the same symbols from my dream. A huge heart with curling edges and spirals at the bottom. I read a single name in the center of the heart. It said, 'Erzulie'. I knew that name.



3/20/1994



I decided to take Gina to Nashville in a last effort to patch up our relationship. she told me she was returning to Norway in May, her parents just wouldn't send her any more money. She explained the other reasons why she couldn't stay-things concerning her passport and her inability to understand very much of the English language. It just didn't make sense to me. I lied to my aunt again and told her that me and Shanal had planned a trip to Opreland, an amusement park in Nashville, tn. We are out of Memphis now, in the Hampton but we are way past Nashville. I carried Gina to Pigeonforge on the eastern border of TN. I wanted to show her as much as I could before she went home. she said the mountains reminded her a little of Norway. She seemed happier here.



we made love in one of the single beds they gave us. No matter how much I protested they still thought we needed two beds. It was nice and I sleep well that night, no dreams...just Gina's soft satisfied breathing in my ear. I fell asleep watching the stars through the hotel window.



3/21/1994



I woke the next morning before she did. I looked at her and realized it was over for us. I packed my things and woke her. We left for home.

54

01/07/1993




I returned to M town today. After spending a little while at my aunts, I went to Tucker street in Midtown. I had been away from Gina for too long, and I needed to tell her what happened on my holiday.



I arrived at the apartments and heard Shanal, Gina's roomate, screaming from within. Her voice was so loud and demandning that I could hear exactly what she was saying as I walked across the parking lot. I felt nervous.



Shanel opened the door, puffing on a cigarette and holding another crumpled in her right hand. "What the fuck?", she garbled before she recognized me. Her dark brown curly hair lay long and luxurious across her shoulders and her big brown eyes softened on realization of who I was.



"Hey Shanal is Gina here?" I spoke taken aback by Shanal's aggressive behavior.



Shanal stepped back and smiled. "She is in her room. Where have you been?"



I hugged Shanal and put up my finger to let her know I needed to talk to Gina a little first.



When I entered her room, she was lying on her mattress smoking a cigarette as well.. So many cigarettes.



She smiled a huge smile and reached for me. "ummmm my Sherrie pie." she exclaimed and pulled me down beside her. "I missed you."



1/08/1993



I spent the night with Gina. It was always pretty simple to get away with that. I just called my aunt and told her I was with Shanal.



During the morning, Gina and I went through an emotional discussion. I told her about Matt's death and she told me about her vacation.



At the moment, I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that she spent several days with another lesbian named Kim. Apparently they had just watched some movies, one being Howard's End, and hung out together as friends. So why was I having such a hard time believing what she told me? We had a fight and I left early.



1/15/1993



My relationship is on and off now with Gina . Something happened after out first fight...the one about Kim. Ever since that day, it has been different. some days we cannot stand each other and some days we are passionately in love again. I showed her the letters and that didn't help either. I really do not know what to do. Gina is running out of money and she may have to return home soon. I bought her a guitar the other day. It was a Fender Stratacaster, a cream one, just like the one Jimi Hendrix used. She loved it, but I know better, money, things...cannot buy you love.



1/29/1993



I had trouble walking a flight of stairs the other day. My aunt took me to the clinic to see if something was wrong. They ran an EKG to check my heart. I have a heart murmur. The doctor told me that it sounds like a butterfly when my heart beats, that it doesn't really beat at all...it just swishes. He said I will be okay for now and no medication is needed. I just couldn't over exert myself. Of course my aunt was way too concerned for me. After my appointment with the heart doctor, I went to my regular therapy session. Trudy, my therapist, gives me peach Jolly Ranchers. They are my favorite and you know what, they help me to open up to her.

If I screamed, would you hear me...below, under mounds of hard packed earth? Would you remember the times that I was animated as you? Would you find it within you to stay a while and speak with me, even though I am transformed, changed into something you do not understand- Even though my lips can no longer move, my arms can no longer hold you and my feet can no longer stray?

Would my ghost be enough to suffice?

53

1/03/1993




During the past week, I have been living in paranoia. After my meeting with the lady evangelist, I kept looking over my shoulders, jumping when people touched my arm and waiting for phone calls. I know it seems silly to others but it wasn't to me. There was something more to what was going on but I wasn't sure what it was-didn't know why I felt a heaviness, a presence floating over me.



My dreams were filled with vampires and burning candles-chants and someone crying in the distance. I saw Matt's face as if he was sleeping. His pale face framed by short dreads which lay against his silken bed. I awoke crying and looking for something to write on. I would scramble around my room in the moonlight looking for a pen and paper. There I scribbled things that I couldn't remember when I read them in the morning light. I was driving myself crazy.



1/04/1993



Nasha called me today and told me that there were people involved in black magic which had wanted Matt dead. She had a distant look when she told me and maybe she was still in shock and just over reacting to rumors she had heard, but she was oddly calm. At times it seemed like she didn't care that he was dead. She kept telling me over and over about how she knew it wasn't her fault. I would just hug her and listen. I had few words for her or anyone else for the matter. Then she told me about Lavinia and the sex tape. I was shocked, totally surprised by this new found evidence. Nasha recounted how the police had ransacked their apartment and found the letters and the sex tape. Then she told me about her relationship with Lavinia as well. Suddenly this small love triangle that I had entered had become some other shapely disturbing drama. I just couldn't take any more information. I told her goodbye and that I was returning to Memphis. I was returning to my beautiful Norwegian girlfriend and push this from my mind. But my dreams wouldn't let me forget him. They would follow too.



1/05/1993



Before I left for Memphis I decided to visit the cemetary. I had written so many poems, and just scribblings but there was one, one I had written for him. I wanted him to have it, so I took it with me to the graveyard. Oh, I could feel them all around me that day, you know, things which could not dwell on the same plane as I. Whether they were good or bad spirits was beyond me and simply, I did not care. I waded through them and made my way through the gates that held I-man. Inside the gates I could no longer hear the insects, the birds or any other forest sounds. The surrounding woods were quite. I drew near to him and spoke.



"Hello, Matt." My lips trembled as my fingers did, gripping tightly around the messenger bag I held. Inside was his poem.



A breeze blew across my hands and I could swear I felt a soft caress. I stopped and glanced around myself unsure for just a moment. Then I sat down beside him. My hands wandered across the soft silken grass that framed the mound of new earth.



"Oh, you don't have any flowers. I will get you some.



Sitting my bag down beside him, I stood and glanced around the place. I saw a grave which held so many flowers that It really had no room for more. Despite how wrong it seemed, I walked over and snatched a single rose from the grave, praying for forgiveness on my way back to Matt.



"Here, I stole this for you." I pushed the stem down into the spot right above his head. Then I lay down beside him. My hand reached into my bag and withdrew the paper. From its crumpled face, I read...



The air is clouded

by a strange scent

most lovely and pleasureable

I feel your essence

and taste your lips

it is immeasureable

a fleeting moment

of hypnotic stare

caught between

your eyes of night

and mine

that no one

could ever compare

feed me, precious lover

fill me with your lust

take me into death itself

satiate my dust

live inside my dreams

at night

lie beside my heart

indulge yourself

in my blood

in death, we'll never part



I exhaled and tears fell for the first time. leaning over, I kissed the earth and tucked his poem neatly under a clod of red dirt.I rose back to my feet. I adjusted the shoulder staps on my messenger back and spoke once more.



"I love you."



Then I turned and started away. Away across the cememtery, moving amongst the tombs, smelling the fake flowers and feeling the silence. I turned to look at his grave once more and was astonished at what I saw.



From the entire surface of the cemetary rose hundreds, no, thousands of bees. My breath caught in my throat as I watched in wonder and amazement. I just stood there and wept.

52

12/25/1993




Christmas was not the same, well of course it wasn't. Matt was dead. There is very little that I remember between christmas and my talk with Nasha. I do not remember what my parents bought me for Christmas, nor what my brother splurged on. I just wanted to return to Memphis and try to push everything from my mind. I know that sounds cruel but it is how i deal with things sometimes. I was in a daze on Christmas.



12/26/1993



Nasha told me today that Matt's family is refusing to display the Jamaican colors on Matt's coffin. At his wishes, the colors red, green and yellow were to be displayed in swathes of material draped across his coffin at his funeral. His family was protesting his wishes and Nasha was fighting with them. I stood with her and ended up crying in frustration over the whole situation.



12/27/1993



I didn't attend the funeral, I wasn't welcome. I don't even know if I would have wanted to go in the first place. I just lay in my room, stretched across my bed and daydreamed about what he looked like. By the time night fell, I was sleeping, sleeping in my funeral clothes, just what I had planned to wear, not wear...i am confused and angry and...



2/291993



I received a strange phone call today. A lady evangelist called me and was interested in my artwork. she told me that the youth group wished for me to work with them in designing some logos for the church. I was excited, I had always wanted to get noticed for my talents. She said that she wanted to meet with me in town to discuss what she had in mind. I still had a couple days at my parents house, so I agreed to meet with her and talk about my work.



I drove about 15 miles. It takes about that long to travel to the closest store from my parents house. I recognized the discription that the lady had given me on the phone and I smiled at her. My heart beat fast in anticipation of telling her about my work. Maybe for that moment, I was full of myself.



When I shook her hand, her smile dropped. She looked at me for the longest time before reaching back into her car and withdrawing a stack of papers. She spoke, and I will forever remember her words.



"Sherrie, I didn't really want to meet with you to discuss your artwork." she spoke sternly and frowned.



Then she handed me a stack of papers and spoke again.



"Do you recognize these?" she questioned.



I looked down at the papers and recognized my own writing. I flipped through at least twenty pages of my own scribble, poetry and doodles. They were my letters, letters that I had written Nasha. Then in the back of the stack were the letters I had written to Matt. Neither of them had known about either one. I looked from the lady evangelist and back to the stack of papers. I gulped hard and felt the knot float downward in my throat.



"These are my letters, letters to Nasha and Matt...and here, in the middle, these are Matt's lyrics to his songs." I looked at her with a mixture of anger and curiosity. Why did she have these? This was an invasion of privacy.



"Why do you have my letters?" I asked and held them out for her to see. "why, what is this?"



She frowned and exhaled deeply. "Sherrie, you are being investigated for the murder of Matt feldman. I have been sent to speak with you first. The Federals will speak with you soon, maybe...unless of course, I tell them that I think you are innocent."



I couldn't speak.

51

I knew you would go...this world was just too small for your ambition.

12/23/1993




The drive, for the most part was boring. Moving through the swamp lands and into the delta, the scenary was too familiar to us. So many times of visiting the Big Easy brought about memories of landmarks we recognized as we headed back home. Sometimes we detoured to pass by the crossroads near Clarksdale. Other landmarks we visited and we ate at the little cafes in the various small towns. The drive back home was usually quite boring without our stops in the little unusual lesser known tourist spots.



As we entered a long stretch of interstate several hundred miles south of Oxford, I started to feel sick. I moved around in my seat and tried to settle my stomach. My brother offered to stop and get a drink, I declined. Something wasn't right.



The clouds overhead threatened to part but never quite lived up to their promise. They kept the land cool with hints of snow fall. I stared into the dark clouds and felt like I was going to float away.



That is when it happened. As I glanced across the median, everything stopped moving. The cars on their opposite travel stopped in their tracks. I looked at the clock on the radio. It said 2:30. Then in seconds the cars began to so backwards. I looked at my brother and he looked at me. The cars stopped and then began to move forward again. Although it seemed like minutes, it was only seconds and everything was back to normal. I gasped.



"Did you see that?" I asked as my stomach churned horribly.



12/23/1993-nightfall



That night Nasha stopped by my parent's house. Me and my brother were busy unpacking our things and settling down to watch a movie. I heard her sweet voice as she came around the corner of my old room. She sat down and began to tell us her plans of starting her life over-without Matt. I was devastated, but quietly pleased. I had mixed emotions, I loved Nasha but I loved Matt as well. I hugged her and offered my support. she noticed my red and white beaded necklance and complimented me on it. Her smile was soft and sweet and her eyes glazed over.



"I am in love with someone else, Sherrie. I met this guy named Michael." Nasha blushed and waited for my reaction.



My smile dropped but I replaced it with a fake one. I offered her my fake support and told her that I was tired.



Nasha left and I told my brother I didn't feel like a movie. As I slept, I dreamed of Haile Salasie.



12/24/993



I awoke to my father calling my name. I drifted in and out of sleep until I could fully understand what he was saying to me. He called me and called me then left for a while. When he returned, I was rubbing my eyes and trying to focus on his face. I finally heard him speak.



"Sherrie, Matt killed himself yesterday. He hung himself over at that old house."



It didn't quite register with me at first, so I questioned him further.



"What? When?"



My father exhaled and tried to hide his discomfort and grief. "I said, Matt killed himself yesterday, around 2 or 3 in the afternoon."



I lay my head back down and stared at the ceiling. I was still in shock.



"I need to sleep some more, daddy."

50

12/23/1993




The clock in the car said 4:30. My eyes tried to adjust again while I fumbled with the car keys. I looked at my hands dropping the keys in the floorboard, there was blood all over my fingers but no cuts. I looked up adjusting the rear view mirror and saw the blood on the corner of my lips . My heart beat wildly and I blacked out again.



12/23/1993



I don't know how I managed to drive back to the hotel but I know I took a shower, cried and crawled into bed. My brother stirred on the other bed but never woke. He had passed out from drinking and never knew I was gone. I know I slept then.



12/23/1993



My brother woke me standing over me fussing. He kept telling me that we had to get home for Christmas and if we left then, we would be home before Christmas Eve. It was already afternoon and we had a 5 hour drive to home. I mumbled and pulled myself up out of the bed. My whole body ached and my hands shook. My brother questioned me about why I was acting so weird but I never noticed how I was acting. I seemed normal enough to myself.

I reached into my jeans from the night before to retrieve my money and my hand rammed into something sharp. I winced in pain and withdrew my fingers. My finger was bleeding and I suddenly felt dizzy. The sharp pain woke me up and made me feel sick. I stuck my finger into my mouth and reached into my pocket carefully with my other hand. I withdrew a broken vial from my jeans pocket and sighed frustrated. The love potion was spilled all inside my pocket. So much for that.



I reached up to my neck and found the beaded necklace still intact. I played with the strand for a moment.



My brother nudged me. "Are you ready to go?"

All things wither eventually
most parts fall away from reality
tears will dry and hurt will remain
all substance craves its forgotten name
with the stillness comes the dust
born of vanity and caruption's rust
but in time they all shall find
thoughts so sacred in the failing mind
all the pain wrought in the many lies
shall emit from humanity's eyes
in the pure darkened recess of the soul
withered things will again feel whole

49

Things remembered seem farther away than they really are.

12/21/1993-nightfall




We sat at the bar on the roof of our hotel and discussed my bisexuality. Me and my brother,we were just having a drink and trying to figure out how to deal with my parents, my aunt and the therapy situation. This wasn't supposed to be the thing you do in New Orleans while having a bloody Mary, but it just transpired.



I sat on my stool and gazed out at the river. A large boat covered in lights sat by the River bank and emitted a small plumb of smoke. My brother's words began to fade as my eyes followed the smoke up into the sky. I had that feeling again of being in a room full of people and feeling all alone.





I thought of Nasha and Matt again and wondered if they were still fighting.



12/22/1993



Today was filled with walks on the quarter, cemetary tours and visiting the best cajun restaurants around. The mood was lighter during the day and the weather was beautiful. Boats glided along the river just off the banks as Jazz and blues wafted through the air. Children squealed running from the candy shops. I smiled and trotted alongside my big brother, I chatted away about silly things and our usual sarcastic and deep comedic thoughts. The thing I can remember the most about the day was the overall calm and optimistic air. There were no dark corners , no regrets and definitely no thoughts of care for things back home. It was a good day.



12/22/1993-nightfall



This was the our last night in the Big Easy, so we decided to walk the quarter until we couldn't walk anymore. I had my reservations about this place after dark but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have some fun. We went from pub to pub, bar to bar and cafe to cafe sipping on drinks. Our walk along the quarter became a shamble and our laughter got louder. We turned down a new street and then another. We passed groups of people here and there led by pale tour guides. Every one of the palid creatures caught my eye and smiled at me and everytime, my smile dropped, as did my gaze. Other people were shambling as well and tended to bump into us and drunkenly apologise.



A shop caught my brother's eye and we ducked into it. I recognized the smell immediately, it was a deep rich insence, very similar to a cardaman/patchoulie mix. I inhaled the aroma and sighed. The air was filled with light smoke and I could hear drums in the distance.



All at once I realized where I was. It was charm shop, much like the ones in Memphis that i had frequented. Nothing much different in seemed and as the smoke cleared nearer the heart of the store, I saw them. The candles, the herbs and the oils. I saw the chicken feet, the furs and the beads as well. I reached out to touch a root and pulled my hand back instinctively. That is when I heard her voice speak to me from the counter.



"Jus let me know cherie and me be with you there." The lady smiled and nodded toward me.



I walked toward the counter and looked into her face, waiting for her to look directly at me. she was hard at work on some herbs and stones, she was desperately trying to wrap the mass in a small peice of red material. she was making a gris gris. I smiled bigger and spoke to her.



"Can you help me? I want a love charm."



The lady looked up and chuckled. Her eyes startled me and scared me. I gulped and dropped my gaze. While playing with my fingers I spoke again. "I need a charm to win the one I love and ..."



She leaned forward, I could feel her move as the sleeves of her dress rasped against the counter. "speak my dear...You want to get rid of your adversaries and win the one you love, right?"



I looked up at her, surprised and nodded. When my eyes locked with hers, she brought a strand of red and white beads from under the counter and dangled them between our gaze.



"Here sweetie, just wear this and your adversaries will be gone."



She reached beneath the counter again and drew forth a small vial of yellow liquid. "And this, mon amie, is the nectar of love. Put this behind your ears while wearing this necklace and you will have your love."



I reached out and took the vial just as my brother walked up behind me.



"Oh no" he said, "What have you found now?"



12/22/1993-even later



That night as my brother slept, I snuck away. Dashing out into the night and stealing the car. I parked and paid the machine, running past the harbor and back to the quarter. I found shops closed and lothesome creatures shambling still, along Canal Street. My heart beat wildly as I searched for the street we had found before. My eyes were blood shot and tired from drinking and my head pounded. Down street after street running before the vampires noticed me, I found the place. Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo was closed for the night. This didn't make sense to me. What really closed in New Orleans after all.



My frustration had me backing off the curb and onto the cobble stones. I walked slowly back toward the river in defeat. I wanted more from the store, I needed charms, I needed herbs and I was leaving for home the next day. This was terrible.



That is when I felt their eyes on my back. I didn't want to turn around but I did. There were four of them. Two guys, a girl and a little boy. They were laughing at me and staring. My heart sped up again and I walked slowly down the street going back toward the better lit area of the quarter. I walked faster but didn't run. I didn't want them to know that I was scared but I was. I gripped the beaded necklace tightly and just kept walking. There were more. Up ahead to the right and one, I passed so quickly that I almost missed them. when I turned to look behind me, they were all following me. I cursed under my breath and walked faster. Before I could have the chance to turn the corner onto a lightened street, I tripped on something and fell upon the stones. I tried to catch my fall but I couldn't...I think, I don't remember, cuz I blacked out from fear.

48

And what did I really want?

12/20/1993




The day was spent on the quarter, watching the jugglers in front of the St. Louis Catherdral. The fire eaters, the mimes and the clowns all congregated here for what little change they could gather from the tourists. My brother and I wandered for hours looking for the best place to get some red beans and rice. Meanwhile the local entertainment drew us closer. Amidst the crowds of teeming and impatient visitors was the hum and drum of the busy big Easy. Who could really tell if the faces were angry from trying to get away from the attractions or whether the irritation came from not being able to see above the heads of the crowds of excited foreigners. It was a mess and we moved around and outside of the majority. Down alleyways and into a side street, there we encountered a little cafe emitting the most beautiful jazz music. It's close but muffled harmony danced within my ears. I felt a sensation pass through me, something deep and euphoric. The music just almost told a story, recited a poem and even created a painting. It was the third to my artistic trinity. I gasped and grabbed hold of my brother's arm.



"Let's go here."



12/20/1993-nightfall



The night here, is what the day has had premonitions about. It is something different from night time anywhere else in the world. If magic truly exists, it exists here and even if magic is unreal, it defies all reality on this very spot.

I looked down at my maryjanes and smiled. I could hear him talking but it was muffled and distant. After a moments time, his voice bacame audible. He was asking me where I wanted to go.



I had no preference of where I wanted to go, I was just dazed in a cloud of wonder by every little detail. There was something watching me and I was afraid to raise my head and look. I felt them everywhere, in the corners peeking out, amidst the darkened alley ways and deep with the crowded restaurants. Their eyes followed me.



Allen was standing before me and almost yelling into my face. "Where do you want to go now?"



I looked up and tried to focus on his face. Finally my mind cleared and I saw him looking down at me angrily.



I told him that it did not matter which area of the quarter that we traveled as long as we got a drink somewhere. He agreed and we just walked around looking for a bar to hang out in for a while.



As I joined my brother and started to walk away, I turned to look behind me.



Vampires were everywhere.



12/21/1993



We slept in till the afternoon. I had no dreams this night but I awoke with a decision, I wanted Nasha to leave Matt. I couldn't love them both if they were together. I wanted her to run away with me but yet, I did not want to stop visiting Matt. I hated these feelings because of Gina but they were my true feelings non the less. I wanted him to let her go, to stop trying to get her back. Maybe, then she would come to me, realise the love that I still had for her, the love that I projected upon my beautiful Norwegian girlfriend and the love that was unworldly and built with an immortal devotion. Yes, it seems so fickle and I seem so fickle. I just wonder where it all began and how far back I have been projecting from. I just wish Matt would go away...Or was it Nasha that I wanted to go away? I rubbed my face in frustration.



12/21/1993-afternoon



We went on a swamp tour today and watched an alligator eat a racoon. I cried because I really wanted the little raccoon to get away. Our cajun tour guide was cool and he even showed us a really interesting alligator skull. I wanted to buy one but my brother said no. I insisted that I could use it for my conjuring somehow, even if it was just its teeth that I could use. He argued with me about the fact that I would ruin the skull by breaking the teeth out. I rolled my eyes.

The rest of the tour, I sat and watched the edge of the swampline and let my eyes wander aimlessly through the trees. I saw things running to and fro inside the vegetation. I cared not.

47

12/15/1993




We knew at this point that our holidays would be spent apart and it wasn't easy for us. I loved her and she loved me but things had grown more complicated. My sessions spent at the therapist was interesting but my aunt felt they were not helping me all that much. I still stayed out till late in the night without calling her, I even stayed gone for days at times. she saw my lack of progress as her fault for choosing the wrong doctors. She switched my from one therapist to another and then yet to another between thanksgiving and Christmas. She felt that with enough therapy, my homosexuality would be cured. I told these women of thinngs that had happened in my life and the stories shocked them. Trudy, my last therapist told me that she couldn't believe someone so young could have been through so much trauma. I never saw my trauma as abnormal, I only saw it as obstacles to bring me closer to some sort of enlightenment. At the young age of 18, I was still trying to stay positive. I felt the pull again of the darkness just outside my reach. It was a corner that remained dark but mostly, I ignored it and tried to live life as best I could in the artificial light.



12/18/1993



Our holidays were spent apart, Gina and me. She was going to meet her brother and they were going to leave for florida for holidays. Then when his visit was over, she was coming back to Memphis to hang out alone and without me. It had to be this way, my parents required me to be home for christmas and she wasn't allowed there anymore. I felt the holidays looming toward me and I was unhappy. Right before I decided to return home, my brother called me. He asked me if I would love to take a four day trip to New Orleans with him. With no other choice but to sit on the farm all weekend in Mississsippi, I decided to go with him. At least I could pick up a gift for Gina.



12/19/1993



We left today, left out from my parents house bound for the big easy. One of my high school friends wanted to go with us but she got sick and had to cancel. So it was just me and Allen throwing everything into the trunk of the car and setting out on a road trip.



Something hung heavy in the air and I had no idea what it was. The corner of darkness twitched and went away. with a sigh of relief, I hoped into his car and we left Mississippi.

46

If only there was a pill for this...if only the suffering and the unremorseful 'sin' didn't feel so good. I cried with you upon my chest and wished you were a boy. I am lying...I cannot see what they want me to see...I love you.

11/22/1993




It was Thanksgiving and my father was very angry because I hadn't been home from college recently. I love my daddy but I have just been spending so much time with Gina and I feel so addicted to her. The last time that I called daddy, it was at Gina's apartment and I had to lie to him. He insisted that I come home for Thanksgiving, but that I could bring my 'friend' home with me.



11/25/1993



It was horrible, my dad is not speaking to me and my mother is very upset. Even my brother is upset with me. He told me he thought about killing me because my mom and dad were giving him grief.



When I took Gina home with me, I had no idea that she had wrote 'proud to be a lesbian' on her back pack. I mean, how was I to know that? Of course, my parents never saw it until we were leaving to head back to Memphis, but...it was enought. The whole weekend, my parents gave her the best treatments and we even managed to make love in my old bedroom undetected. It was not until I got to my aunt's house in Memephis that I was told that my parents had seen the statement on the back of her pack and were appalled. I took Gina home and returned to my aunts to call my parents and try to make amends. The phone call was horrible, and no resolution was found for days. ONe of mine and Gina's guy friends decided to pretend to be my boyfriend to calm my parents. For the time being, this worked.



12/05/1993



My aunt is not convinced that I am not gay. She has scheduled an appointment for a therapist on Monday. I do not need a therapist. I didn't know that being gay or bisexual was a mental illness.