Saturday, June 29, 2013

She told me so

“So how does it feel to be a wish?” she asked me as she leaned in and pursed her lips.
I couldn’t speak as my throat was dry and I had cried the whole night through.
“Listen dear, we are all wishes as some time. You have to be strong and find the love you have for yourself. Those who wish, do not want you. They like the idea of you.”
This statement hurt me, although it shouldn’t have. My chest heaved and the tear welled. I thought of the sweet lies and the reasurances of what I was supposed to believe. I thought of all the times I had heard these words before…and yet I fell for them over and over again.”I know…I know.”
She sighed and leaned back again. she was so very frustrated with me at this point. She didn’t like to have to tell me this over and over but she did. Placing her hand over her face, she deflated. “Oh, I am so sorry…I feel your hurt, your sorrow as if it were mine but I cannot heal you. I cannot save you from yourself.”
Her words rang true but yet to me had no meaning. All I could see, feel or taste was this thing called love…which didn’t exist. I was such an emotional creature. I was such a fool and she felt so sorry for me. She wanted to fix me, to heal me to give to me strength but she knew I had to find it on my own. My tears fell suddenly…no jerking, no twitching–just rivers flowing down my cheeks onto my breast. I did not move.
She looked back to me and raised up in her chair. Her wings were now blue…as blue as could be. I saw her dark eyes and her little fangs but knew she meant me no harm. I watched as Spirit stared into me, offering me strength she knew I could not take…but offering it none-the-less.
“I hate doing this over and over. I hate being alone and not being able to feel.” I wiggled in my chair–arms crossed.
Spirit looked at me and smiled a sad little smile and spoke. “You know they do not love you at all. You know you are a fantasy…nothing real…nothing to them at all.” she took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek. “I am sorry, but love is not reciprocated…and if I remember correctly, you said you would love regardless.”
I looked down at my hands that were impatiently grasping each other…desperately looking for something that would prove the faerie wrong..but she was right.”I had loved in vain and allowed myself to get lost in the feeling.”
She smiled at me and opened her arms. “Come…come to me again and I will protect you from them. I will keep them from you.”
I looked up with pools in my eyes with lips trembling and watched her spread her wings. I felt her need to fly. I felt her love for me…someone who was always there for me. I exhaled so deeply in finality. I understood the truth as hurt washed over me again. I heard the sweet words and i caught my breath. I knew she did not lie to me.
I stood and reached out for that part of myself which wore the mask. I reached for the truth I knew.
Spirit smiled and the smile told me that she had kept her promises to me. She would always be here.

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