141

2009

In the midst of my freedom the spiral continued downward. I did not see the truth for my own selfish desires. They were desires that fulfilled yet contained me. I did not want to be contained and so I ended up back in the woods again. There I sat, under the moon...the spirit. My wings fluttered madly as the stars fell down around me. I giggled with glee and jumped from one branch to the other. I was stronger, more agile and filled with an intent of my own. I perched there on my branch of destination and surveyed my surroundings. I could see the animals of the forest race by and chase each other through the dark brush beneathe the canopy. My eyes began to adjust to the night's darkness and I saw more. I saw beneathe the canopy and within the animals and I understood their mumblings and chatterings. I sniffed the air and smelled everything...everything was fresh and beautiful. And there among all that was free and good...my pain was ripe and my pain was bitter tasting. I growled and fluttered my wings again then falling to the earth I took a deep breath.

Spirit was invincible...


2009

Summer

I discovered that I liked being alone..well, with the exception of my kids. I loved my boys and I loved to be myself with them. All three of them were different and I saw the love in their eyes when they looked at me. I held their hands and took them into the forest with me. They saw things differently and so they save portions of what Spirit saw. My oldest, damian held an other very tightly against his soul but he yet did not know the extent of what his other was. I saw it in his eyes...the eyes of mine and the eyes of my mother. The younger two were yet to show the depths of their soul to me. But I saw the sparkle of creativity inside their pupils. I led them to trails and off the trails until they giggled in excitement.

When they learned the forest, they started to venture out alone. Damian let the little scouts into the trees and deeper within the forest. I stood by the pines in the edge of the yard and watched them walk away with fake swords and weapons. I smiled as Spirit coursed through my body....alive and growing in strenth.

"they are beautiful. My little forest children are growing so fast" I heard her whisper to Sherrie in my head.

Sherrie looked up from her book and stared with dark and still eyes. "They are mine and not yours, evil fairy.

Spirit turned to face me in my darkness. Her face changed from delight to anger. She walked toward me and then squatted by where I sat. With a thin taloned hand, she snatched my book away and threw it over her shoulder. "YOu...my dear...have absolutely no backbone and no wish to live...so why would you be fit to be a mother of such wonderful creatures??"

I held her stare and stood up to her bravery. I felt myself shaking as I came face to face with something unspeakable..undescribable....truly in words. "I am not afraid now...I am not afraid of you. If I would tempt death then why would I cower before something that doesn't really exist? Those are my children...children of a real woman...not some fantasy thing that is so fucking angry that she has no real life of her own."

Spirit smiled and her eyes grew wide. The dark dark eyes of the fairy grew lighter and lighter until they shown with a shimmering hazel hue. She licked her lips and drew so close to me that her eyes bore into mine. "I am you and you are me but I shall pull free from you and I will take what is rightfully mine through my dominance. I will pull away from you....tearing and ripping my soul from yours and I will exist in material form as you have never seen before. Test me...oh test me good, dear little fucking sad girl. Keep standing and holding firm, clenching your little fists so tight that they bleed. Oh stand there...just a little longer while my fire burns bright...and then, I will set you on fire burning you until there is no Sherrie left to cut her little wrists. I will destroy you long before you suicidal wishes make themselves into completion. You can share these things or you can die. But know one thing as clear as day....I wear the soul in this union and what I say.....goes. Those are my children and they will know the others that they hide!"

Spirit turned on her heels and took to the air. I fell to my knees and exhaled. I was losing this and even Anna did not come to my aide. I saw her there in the tangle of the rabbit brush. Her little red curls were matted with leaves and the tears were dirty that ran down her cheeks. I looked to her and my eyes asked her why she didn't save me. Anna raised her chin and I was the bruised and battered skin that surrounded her neck. I knew that she was frighted of the yelling and the screaming in her own soul. Her death had been unfinished and unsolved for so long and she had wandered until she had lost her way out of purgatory. I saw her hopelessness in her face. She could help me decide and she could spurn me on but she could not stop the unchained beast when it was hungry.

When pushed too far, the daark faery always got her way...and there was nothing we could do. She held the hoodoo soul and caressed it in her hands...she sent out the thoughts that brought about her vengeance. Not a finger was lifted and she punished the wicked. She was as the wind...as fickle yet as caressing....but when the fire burned brightly...her eye was steady and she sent about her winds of fate.

Her strength grew and sometimes, I saw her little fangs as I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my eyes dilate and change, I scratched the scars on my back from the peircings which strangley had fallen through rotten skin on my back...I realized that she really was....pulling free

finding herself

gaining identity

gaining flight



2009

summer

I awoke from strange dreams of things that leave me troubled. I saw friends of mine from the past wander in and out of a dark room carrying parts of my being with them. The parts were arms and legs and they flew away with magically formed wings. I watched with my eyes that were left of me...I watched them take to air with loud cackles.

I knew that I was mad. I knew that something had gone horribly wrong and I could not heal. The gaping wound in my chest was sucking things inside of it as a huge vaccuum. I knew that I had breached the boundaries of my sanity. I had gone over the moon and saw the darkness of that heavenly body.

I woke crying because I was crazy...clinically crazy with something that made me split in two and then split in three. I was Sherrie, I was spirit and I was Anna. Even little Anna who had lived once, had found a place inside to hide from purgatory. Instead of finding the light, she wished to dwell within the darkness of me. I knew that my mental fabric was torn and raveling fast into the future.
I could do nothing, I could say nothing and my dreams pulled me under. I woke many times feeling as if I was drowning at sea. I felt hands grasping me and pulling me through the layers of the waters that fell over me. The weight of the liquid held me down as the hands pulled me up...adn I gasped for air like it was my very first and very last breath. And then my heart beat wildly as I woke in a pool of sweat. I looked around and shadow shapes formed and shifted all around me. I was terrified.

And this...my friends is just a taste of the atrocities of my mind....every night that followed was a new nightmare, a new monstrosity and a new darkness.