I went through the motions with church service. I stood singing the songs back in with the congregation. No longer did I stand apart and get standing ovations. I got looks but they werent of respect...more so of repulsion. Oh, how could someone like me ever dream of being with someone as innocent as Gavin? I saw their faces and I read their minds. I never understood how this happened but I would sit in service and something would tug on my sleeve and I would turn. I would see one of the youth staring at me in disgust and I could hear her thoughts. She found me to be a horrible person and could not contemplate such as union as I had wished to have with Gavin. I swallowed hard and tried to pretend that seeing her thoughts was impossible. I tried to tell myself that the devil wanted me to hear these things and they were false. And so I would turn and sing the songs with the others again. Then spirit would come and sit beside me and whisper funny things in my ear and tell me that she loved me. The songs were full of the word 'spirit' and my other would laugh and squeal every time that I sang the word. Spirit tugged on me and took control of my hips. I would sway and then smile. To hide my impatient yearnings, I raised my hands in worship and closed my eyes. I tried so hard to get closer to God and find what he wanted for Sherrie to do. I was overrun with people in my head...yes, overrun by three individuals who were presently trying to make a mockery of me in the sanctuary.
"But, I am not doing anything, Sherrie." Anna turned toward me and frowned. She was sitting where Spirit sat just moments before and she was wringing her hands in frustration. Her fingernails were still caked in blood and gore where she had tried to fight off her murderer. I smiled and then looked toward the worship and praise group on the stage.
"Not you, Anna....it's Spirit, she is bored again."
Anna reached over and caressed my hand....her hand was so cold. "It's okay...just give her time to adjust to her new found freedom and she will calm down."
I nodded my head and noticed that the pastor's wife was starring at me with a confused look. I wondered had she seen me conversing with someone who wasn't really there. I was nervous.
After service, no one really wanted to hug me and so I hugged a few and then went into the bathroom. After regaining my composure, I got the kids and went home.
I read the bible over and over. I wanted to reconnect with my church family. I wanted so badly to feel normal and fit in for the children. I missed teaching the children and I missed singing. I wanted those things back but I had no idea how I was supposed to achieve these things. I wanted to talk to Spirit and try to work some compromise out so that I could function more normally. When she was around, I was a raving lunatic, dancing through the grocery store in nothing more than a thin sundress and going commmando. The wind would blow up my dress and I would moon half the parking lot. She would stand defiantly at face to chest level with some 6 ft tall, 350 pound man and tell him where to get off. If she hadn't been cute and he hadn't laughed at her, she would have been pounded into the pavement by now. She would giggle every single time someone said the word, "spirit"...even when it was in the context of the father, the son and the holey ghost. She loved the SOAD song, chop suey because of the part about why the father had foresaken her and how I would give unto his hands....my Spirit. She was ridiculous to say the least..but highly seductive and almost irresistable. And she was very powerful by then....strong and unrelenting...so how would I go about having this little talk with her? And then, I found the solution...meds.
I went to the doctor for the first time in years...i mean the crazy doctor of course and i wanted to know what i should do. I hid some things from her....things that were irrelevant. But I was diagnosed once more with manic depression. She told me that there was a way to stop what was going on with my rapid cycling. Of course, I lied about how fast I really changed because according to what I have read...bipolars do not cycle as I do. I changed rapidly and randomly back and forth....during the day, during the week...or whatever the others saw fit to do. But she told me that the meds she had would make it easier for me to function in life and stay focused.
I heard Spirit whimpering and saw her give me puppy dog eyes and so I left the doctor's office with nothing but a report. I would just have to talk to Spirit alone and see what sort of compromise we could come to with the new information and options that I had just been given to me.
I parked behind the bathrooms at the park where there were very few people passing by. I adjusted the rear view mirror so that I could see my eyes and then addressed her.
"So, the thing is...I know you are strong, maybe even stronger than me but I have to do something different in order to survive in this world. It is unforgiving, you know. I cannot just run around doing as I wish all the time. I have to keep order in my brain for me and most of all, for the kids. I need to talk to you without fighting with you. I need some sort of compromise with you. Can you please, meet me in the middle?"
I felt her stir and then I saw her. She looked at me in the mirror and she smiled. She was angry, she was hurt and yet, she was frightened. "I know what you are going to do to me." she started, "I know that you are going to kill me. And this time, I cannot stop you. The first moment that I relinquish my hold on you, you will kill me."
Suddenly, I felt guilty. I felt as though I had betrayed a friend...a feirce and angry friend, but a friend all the same.
"I don't wanna do it, Spirit...but you are going to kill me if I don't do something different."
Her eyes softened and fairy dust drifted down before her face. I saw a tear in her eye and then it quickly disappeared. She smiled and giggled. "Okay...Okay...what do I have to do to keep those horrid things from your body? I do not wish to die...I want to live...live as never before...I want to skip and to play in the...
"That's just it, Spirit....they will not accept you." I turned to see if she was in the back seat and she wasn't. I got out of the car and just walked. She was still there with me. I dropped my hand and I felt her hand entwin with mine and she squeezed. Something from long ago hugged my heart and I couldn't take it anymore. I started to cry as I walked into the stand of pines. I saw myself as that little girl so long ago when Spirit first came to me. I felt her arms around me and I sat down hard against a tree. "help me...help me to save you and to keep you sacred in my heart." I pleaded.
I felt Spirit's hand on my face and I cried harder. "I am sorry...I only anger when I fell contained...when I feel you are trying to smother me out. I want my freedom, dear self....I want to live as you do. I will never be the original and do you know how that makes me feel? I am what you wanted to be and the darkness enters me and drives me to do things to survive. I am not self destructive...I am a beast....do not deny me my nature."
I looked into the swaying leaves and there she was...Spirit...she was everywhere in the freedom of everything...and everything was a beast...a beautiful beast which only wished to survive. "Can you please conform just enough that I can blend in to society? I have to be normal for the babies."
"I will not conform...but I will adapt, if you can take that for your answer and your compliance. Spirit moved through the wood of the trunk of the tree and through my feet. I felt the tingle pass up and through my groin. I lifted my pelvis and moaned as she wavered there in my sex. I thought that I would climax there on the spot but then she moved up my belly and into my heart. I heard the butterfly wings beating and then skipping in rhythm.
"That is what I am talking about, Spirit. I cannot just have an orgasm right here in the middle of the park against a tree. I have to blend in and stop drawing so much attention to myself...at least locally.
Spirit spoke "Okay, I know what to do. Just please, please...do not take the wolfsbane." she giggled and then I realized what she had said.
"Very funny, Spirit...very funny. Since when are you a werewolf?"
Spirit fluttered her wings inside my heart and whispered to me. "Since, whenever I want. I am your wildest dreams and your darkest fantasies. I can run through the night baying at the moon and I can drain you of all your lifes energy with my little bittie fairy fangs...and I will always be Spirit and I walk among the dead....just as your little bastard shaman told you. So please...please don't take those pills. I don't want to die."
I smiled and nodded with agreement. "very well, let's go do the laundry."
But I had changed already. The imprint was permanent and It showed. Something had hardened there within my heart. Everytime that I recieved an email from Venum, I was to the point and he noticed my coldness. He kept asking me what was wrong with me and wasn't I happy to hear from him. He called more and more and sent more emails wanting to know why I seemed so different and I just told him that nothing was wrong. I don't even think I knew what was wrong. I was just different...changing. I started to see that I could survive on my own and it made me see Venum in a different light.
Right then and there, I made the decision. I didn't know when, I didn't know how...but I was going to leave Venum.