146

2009

Halloween

Venum came home for a couple weeks and he was different....I was different. We would look at each other in a weird way and then carry on with life. Venum met Mary and he seemed to think she was cool. We would have bonfires and cookouts to celebrate the fact that Venum was home for a little while. I seemed cold and he seemed cold as well and that was not to be helped. He was fighting a war in a foreign land while I was waging war with myself. I know that none of you could understand the similarities in this but there are some. I do not question what he went through and I could never understand the horror that he witnessed. I did not see the dead (But only did I see the dead and talk to the dead and live with the dead inside.), not did I kill anyone (slowly killing myself..slash by slash and burn by burn)...I am sure that he did these things.  I did not suffer alone with my atrocities of war as he did (I was always with three...me myself and I). But, to me, I suffered in my own way hating myself and destroying myself with my drinking habit, my sexual sins and my self hatred. I looked at him and I saw a stranger and when he looked at me...it seemed that he saw a stranger as well. In fact, he asked me why I was so different and what was wrong with me. I would always tell him that nothing was wrong and he was just imagining things. I knew that I was going to leave him but I would not tell him then. I wanted him to have a clear head when he went back into battle and so I tried to make things seem as peaceful as they could be.

Venum came and he went and I do not remember much about his stories or the time that we spent between deployments. Venum left on Halloween night to return to Afghanistan. We traveled to Memphis and went to the airport. I said my goodbyes and the kids said theres as well. It was a sad departure but I felt a little numb at the same time. I knew that things were changing and there was nothing that I could do. AFter Venum left, me and the boys went trick or treating in the neighborhood around my aunt's house. I didn't want to go inside, I just wanted to roam the streets all night...in my little black fairy costume.

I stayed out long after the children wanted to go inside, it was cold and bitter...bitter as my heart. I just wanted something great and powerful to come and tell me what to do. I felt like crying and hiding away within the night. I felt the horror of my emotions...of that feeling that I could not change, that I could not contain...I felt the horror falling out of love with my children's father. I looked at their faces knowing that they had no clue as to what I would have to do. My heart sank to new levels of darkness.


2009

And I was alone again with my children, my friend Mary and my three inside. I found them plenty of company for the time being. I do not remember how Christmas was spent but I do remember giving the children all that they wanted for Christmas. I started explaining to the men online that my husband would be returning soon and that I had to find a way to communicate with them without his knowledge...because, my heart would not let them go. One of the guys whom had grown very close to me had decided to cut me lose because his wife had caught him talking to me twice and she had offered up an ultimatum for him. It was either let me go or she was getting a divorce. Of course, he did the right thing and told me that it was over between us. It was hard for me and I cried many nights thinking about our friendship which was gone forever. Then, I started to do other things to occupy my time and to not think of the 'frog' ...or that is his animal spirit. I had grown very close to the frog and his soul was entwined with mine. He was always the precious sub who needed his dominant woman to guide him during the sexual encounters that we would have via webcam or on the phone. There would be no more phone sex while he was on his lunch break, there would be no more web cam sex while sat upon a pepper grinder and rode away while doing squats....(he always loved that one) and there would be no more dark scenarios of commanding him to fuck the hell outta me in the 'make believe cemetary that we always dreamed about. It was over for me that frog....and it ripped at my heart.

But that was life and life wasn't fair.


2009

During the winter I grew closer to the Raven...one of my writer friends who taught me things that I didn't evn know about myself. I knew who the Raven was and I knew his other....as I have mentioned before. During a drunken episode, the Raven told me that he loved me but it was the other who spoke these words. I always ever thought that his only feeling toward me was of curiosity but I was wrong.
I found the RAven perched upon his branch one night and there I sat and listened. I listened until he came down to me, pushed me over onto my stomach and pounded my ass in love. I felt his hands grip and tug at my flesh as I screamed...I screamed in pleasure and I desired more. The RAven gave me more of what I wanted and then he gave me things that I didn't even know that I desired at all. But I was impatient and within days, the Raven had flown away out of frustration. I flew away as well...in the other direction.

Every now and then....I would find the Raven but he was dark and brooding. Out of fear of his rejection...I left him to his devices and his secret plans.

But I still love the RAven...I love him still....because the heart cannot be overruled. In this I have found no closer...and as with many things...I would find no closer. I think that maybe a lesson here would be that sometimes things will never be explained and we shall have to accept that fact.


2009

And that left him...the one who brought me to climax many many times...whether early in the day or deep within the night...to songs....poems and just his lyrically beautiful words. I knew that things were going to change as my husband came back home but I did not want to lose them. I loved them...I loved him...and I loved the others. I did not see my week without the orgasm given to me at lunch time with various objects such as pepper shakers, cucumbers and popsicles. I could not imagine my life without my cyber lovers and so I wept whenever i thought about how I was to lose them soon.
I enjoyed every day...every moment until that fateful time that I would have to hide them from my husband. I hated to lie...oh, how i hated making a story to hide the truth...but there comes a time when you have to lie or you will lose your mind. There are just some things that you cannot give up without giving up your very soul.


2009

He would be coming home soon I was frightened. I would never tell anyone how frightened that I was , but I was in dread. I didn't want my life to change and I did not want to be manipulated. I had grown strong since Venum had left and I was very unwilling to give up that freedom that I had found. I saw his arrival as being a death to me of sorts. I knew that If I gave in to him and his ways, that I would lose me completely. I knew this as sure as I knew the sun would rise, as sure as the oceans were full of life and as sure as I was part of three...the spirit, the dead and me.

I waited and I waited...digging my nails into the palms of my hand. Day after day the time grew near. I began to cut again...first the arm and then my stomach. Even my cyber lovers saw my cuts and grew angry with me. They asked me why I was so scared and I tried to explain my dread to them. They just told me to be strong and not to give in to the pressure. I talked to Gringo(my lil bro, FRank) and I begged him to help me. He told me that I had to just man up and be a big girl. He said it was stupid for me to hurt myself and that I should find a better way to let out my frustration. He was drunk and so he was not very kind in his reprimands. When I got off the computer, I cut four lines into my forearms and cried myself to sleep.

Spirit starte to rage about my impending containment. She was angry and sought to make me grow angry as well. Anna told me to be calm and not to take things so seriously. She said that I should wait and take it one day at a time until he came back. Anna reminded me that I would not know what to do until the time came. Her little cold hand gripped mine and I knew she was very near and very strong. For a moment, I saw Anna standing very near me. I smelled a strange and clowing perfume coming from her apparition. I reached out to touch her cheek and she smiled.

"I am here for you...when the time comes. I will be your strength and sense of direction."

I squinted my eyes to better see Anna's form but then she disappeared. I wanted to talk to her but she left me.

I was alone....Spirit was even gone. It was just me...me and my razor blade..and so I cut again. Then finally, i fell asleep.