144

2009

I never intended to try and take anyone's place. I knew these men, but how well I knew them was possibly questionable. I listened to their problems and they opened up to me...at least some of them did that. When they would open up to me about their problems, i refused to join them in their criticism because I felt that it was not my place to do so. Even though, at times, I brought these men pleasure, I still did not choose to downgrade their lives without me. I was simply the daark faerie. Sometimes I think I may have only been entertainment for those who were unfulfilled, bored or just disfunctional. I think that is why I question others of their true intentions so much of the time. Sometimes, when getting to know these men, I did not know if I was simply a fantasy for them or if I was more ...if I really had substance. I imagined that when they turned off that computer, I did, in fact, disappear.

There were flip sides that I learned from my adventures in web cam modeling. I learned that maybe those other women whom Venum had been with ..maybe they did understand things about him that I could not. I saw things from different perspectives and I saw things as someone else. I saw as the daark faerie...then I saw as Anna in her hopeless logic. My views changed rapidly and I even grew jealous at times of others who were online with my male customers and male friends. I then would take a break, take a step back and realize what I was doing. But it grew late in my musings and I fell in love. I fell in love over and over with them...they were beautiful to me. They were beautiful because they bared their souls in the way they wrote and the way their eyes met mine. I saw there deeply within that we were crossing lines. Things would get complicated but I could not undo what was done. I could not unlove what I already loved. It was an exotic and enduring disease.
I never hated the wives as some women do. I never wanted to take things from them that was rightfully theirs. I only wanted to love their husbands because my heart told me to. I wanted to bring happiness where happiness was needed. I never really fooled myself into believing that I could do anything differently or better than was already being done. It is just he pain in their faces, their eyes and the sorrow in their voices...and worst of all...the emptiness in their typed words. These things hurt me and I just had to try and make it better. When they hurt, I hurt....when they were sad I could not stand the pull at my heart strings. But I was never under the impression that I could do any better than anyone at all. Through these men, I learned to love the ones who loved them. It was strange but it was real. There were secrets but there was never ever ill intent nor ill will for the sanctity of anything. I saw freedom as pure freedom and it was so contagious that I wanted these men to know what freedom was because it was happiness. When the conversations lasted well into the night and when my fingers typed away...when I lay naked before my computer screen while one of my beloved would sing a lullabye to me...I even fell asleep while they watched me. From thousands of miles away, the ones whom I loved and shared with another would watch the sunrise while I brought myself to pleasure for the third times in hours. Finally, when neither of us could stay awake any longer, we said ttyl...but never goodbye. Do I feel guilty...yes. Do I regret what I did...no. For I would not have had it any differently.

And so I grew to forgive Venum but I was not going to stay with him. I had fallen out of love with him and I knew that. There was nothing I could do. These men heard my story adn they stayed with me as long as I needed. I was their sweetheart, their baby, their princess and cinderella. I have heard these names before and when I hear them again...I smile. They are embedded into my heart as terms of endearment...as love. I have heard cutie, and darling and my little fairy...and these simple things leave a sweet taste in my mouth and a skip to my walk.

In my dreams, I stay warm by the fire of my heart.