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2009

It wasn't that I liked what I did, no. I was a very selfish person who wished to survive and to find happiness where she could. To me, happiness was like falling leaves and I danced beneathe them madly. I cared not what color or what shape those leaves were born or made into. I only cared, at that time, for myself and whatever it took to make me happy. My children made me happy, these cyber men made me happy and Mary made me happy...this is what I thought of and this is what I thrived upon for that time in history. I grew increasingly strange and livid as the time approached that my husband would end my happiness with my newfound life. I loved him...oh, how I loved him. I loved him beyond what any of you could ever understand. I resent that fact that when you read this, you may think that I had no love for him nor respect for him serving his country...and you are wrong. Just because I was no longer in love with him, did not mean that I would not fight wild animals for this man. See, words play tricks on your mind in this way and so many see love as one thing and one thing only. The word love is so mixed and perverted until it loses all sense of meaning to some of you. We were friends, Venum and I, and why wouldn't we be? For 17 years of our life, we raised three children, lived through the death of two more and we raged against everything. He was a beast to me and I had become that beast. I had taken from him what I needed to survive whether it be unorthodox or whether it be quite normal...I took and absorbed what I needed. So why shouldn't I love this man? I knew and loved him more than most people who have walked this planet in exception to his mother and father. There are others perhaps; who have seen things which he never revealed to me and now I know that to be understandable. But my love never ends here...it only changes. I will leave...I am just waiting for the right time...and I will forgive...as I would have him to forgive me. To understand or to not understand...it is no conern of mine if you do not....after all, this is just another story.


2009

I ran with the wolf; through the forests of night. The raven overhead chattered and cawed as it kept up with our brisk pace. I stopped, just on the crest of the hill and squatted down for a better look of my surroundings. Everything was alive underneath the moon's wise and watchful eyes. I saw the trees swaying gently in the breeze from the coming sorm. Oh, how the wolf loved the storm and it's wildness...but he guarded himself closely when the storm would finally come upon him. Wolf came up next to me and licked at my knee where the barbed wire had cut me. He growled beneathe his breath and I heard his words.

"You must be careful miss...I cannot bear to see you hurting. The storm is coming. Don't you think you should go back in?"

The Raven laughed at the wolf's silly words as he perched upon my shoulder.

"You are such a fool wolf, you worry like some old decrepit lady. Let her alone...let her ride the storm on those silly fairy wings." The Raven smiled and I knew he smiled because I felt his darkness bloom within my soul.

This is how it was...sometimes, within the forest of Illyria. They would nip at each other forcing the light and darkness to clash until the pressure burst into some cataclysmic shower of the stars. I would turn my face toward the heavens and feel the shimmering fairy dust fall all around me.  I would watch the fireworks as the Raven flew away again...wolf bounding back into the forest. They always left me...left me to what I had taken from them. I learned and I gravitated toward myself...more and more....becoming something...different.

I was Spirit but Sherrie was close by nurturing the darkness for me. Anna's soft still voice was comforting me from her short distance within my mind. She told me to be still...remember to calm my heartbeat and my soul. And then, as soon as we were three...it was only me....Sherrie. Something happened that night...upon the crest of the hill in Illyria, my make believe enchanted forest. I became one for just a moment. It was a moment in time that I did not remember since being a small child.

Something, somewhere was holding me still.

I was alone and this is where I made my stand.



2009

Have mercy..oh have mercy and have forgiveness. It is said that if ye seek forgiveness for your sins, you must forgive others of their sins as well. Even if the sinner has sinned 70 times 7...or something of that nature. No where have I seen that you must live with them....for if you have been betrayed only once, God has given you the right to end the union in which you have cultivated and nurtured.
I was prepared now. I waited in that house on the day that my husband would return. I made a vow with myself that I would not relent. I would not bow down to the anger in his voice, I would not take another blow and I would not accept another betrayal until I was free. No matter what happened, I would stay true to myself.

I had not given up my love for two of the men...the Raven and the Wolf. As time would go by, I would let go of the earthly  love and disolve my part in their wrong doing. Whether they changed their ways or not, I would never know. Only once, after walking away from the wolf, did I speak to him again...but it was never the same.  After all...I do have a heart, no matter how misguided or twisted it might be....I want what is right. But I feel the tug of something, a feeling of familiarity but different somehow.....some thing that pulls me together and forms me in stillness. I feel the tug of something that heals me and makes me one person...but at this point in time, I thought it was just a magnetic feild. I would dream every night off something which came to me and whispered soft words into my ear and would tell me to fly. I would shush that voice and try to keep my focus on the task at hand. ONe step at a time...I would tell the voice. When the voice disappeared, I would hear Spirit and Anna arguing about how they were trapped and unable to speak with me...contained. I would dismiss their silly ramblings and set about to preparing for my husband's return.

And so, it was...