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2008

Spring

The military alerted Venum of his upcoming deployment which would occur in the latter part of 2008...late summer, to be exact. I wasn't really happy about it because I wasn't used to being alone...in fact, it terrified me. I had my three children to look after, alone and It caused me to question whether or not I could be the 'man of the house' for an entire year. I just wasn't sure about it all but I had no choice...this was going to happen.


2008

Spring

I got a text message on my phone. It was from Candice, a friend of mine from church. She asked me what I would do if I knew someone was being cheated on. She asked if I would tell the girl about what her husband or boyfriend was doing or would I stay out of her business. I told her that if I knew, I would have to tell her because she was my friend..and she would just have to get mad at me if she didn't believe me. I had no idea why Candice asked me this and she wouldn't reply to any more of my texts.



2008

Spring

Venum had to go to early summer training and would be gone for two weeks. During the time that he was gone, I spent time with Angel. We filled my pool with water and sat till late at night drinking mixed drinks. We talked and talked till very late at night while watching the kids play. We learned so very much about each other and I opened up more to show her my different sides...my different people and she seemed okay with that.

Some ladies from church came by one day while I was jumping on the trapolene. Venum was gone to training and it was just me and the kids. I had been dieting and just trying to stay fit because I wanted to look a little better when venum came home. I was always trying to reach a new level of fitness for him because I knew he loved his women to be very fit. I saw the ladies pull up into the yard and so I climbed down from the trampolene. They got out of the car and come to sit by me on the porch. I loved my porch swing and so I plopped down on that and started smiling at them. That day was so beautiful and I was in such a good mood. I had let my hair grown longer and it swayed behind me until i sat upon it and pulled my head back. I wiggled around and pulled it in front of me to lay on my shoulder. The ladies were mother and daughter and they were good friends of mine.

"Whatcha been up to?" the daughter spoke

I smiled and told her about Venum being gone to training and the told her about what the kids were doing. I remember Dorian running outside to see what was going on and he went over to the daughter(her name was Candice) and he smiled up at her as he put his hands on her legs.

"I am just exercizing on the trampolene" I smiled at her again.

Her mother frowned and spoke. "I need...well, we need to talk to you about something."

I leaned forward and frowned. "Okay, what is it?"

Candice looked at her mom and told Dorian to go back inside the house. I told him to do what she said and I turned toward candice.

"Candice, what is it?" I asked ...now getting a little impatient.

Candice looked sad when she spoke "I have to tell you something and you aren't going to like this."

I sighed "Candice, what is it?"

"Sherrie, my babysitter is having an affair with your husband." Candice looked very serious although what she said did not really register with me and so I asked her again.

"Candice, what??

"Sherrie, Amber told me that she was seeing this man and she described your husband. I asked her what his name was and she told me that it was Venum. She said that they rode out to a backroad and...

"Stop!" I breathed in deeply and just looked at them. "ARe you sure it is my Venum?"

Candice looked at her mom and then back at me. "I am sorry Sherrie."


The church and their advice

I told the church about what was going on with Venum and Candice's babysitter but they already knew and they were prepared to give me advice. They told me that I must spend the next week before his return, talking to God and seeking the answers to what I must do. They told me that according to the bible, I had every right to leave him but they wished that we could make it work. They did leave me with the final decision. The last advice that I got from the pastor's wife was that I must lay the information before him and ask him to confess. If he could not confess that i might have to leave but if he did confess and ask for forgiveness then we could move on. I felt pressure from all around me and didn't want to address this with Venum. I secretly wished that someone could do this for me because I knew how afraid I was of him. I had always been in terrible fear of Venum..and I am not entirely sure why. I went the whole week reading the same verses over and over and praying to God about our situation. I found out that he had told Amber, the babysitter, that he was seperated and that me and the kids were just living with him for the time being...that made me angrier.

The day he came home, I was in the bathroom. He came into the bathroom and started to talk happily and greet me. He bent to kiss me hello and I shoved his hand away.

"Do not kiss me until I have a little talk with you." Spirit stood and looked him in the eye....no one but her and she was angry. Anna spoke quietly to me about how I really needed to contain her a bit but I told Anna it was quite alright because this was warranted....he needed this to take things seriously.

Venum said okay and so we went outside alone to have the talk. At first he did not confess to anything and denied everything that Candice had said. When I told him that we would not move on unless he confessed, he half assed confessed by saying that whatever I said was right. He was slimey and repulsive and he had no respect for honor or truth. He was a soldier and I was appalled at how he conducted himself to his family. He did not understand that no manner of denial would cover the things that he did. Too many people knew what he had done and it was futile to deny it. After a while of discussion, I think he began to realize what he was doing and that it was not the best avenue for him to take. He then confessed and so we talked to the elders to find out how to heal our marriage. But, I guess that was futile as well, huh...

And so...I cried and I did all the things that silly little girls do when they find out that the man they love doesn't just love or want them. It wasn't like it was the first time but it still hurt. It hurt as if It was the first time but then it shifted suddenly in the midst of all the pain and it hardened just a little more. I sat and talked with them for an hour or more until they said they had to leave. I guess it was a pitiful site to see a woman crying and hurting and they know they cannot fix it.

They left and I ran into the neighborhood to find Angel. She was there for me and so I spilled my story to her. That is when she told me that he had also flirted with her as well. It started to occur to me that I just couldn't have female friends at all. Thing was, I had not yet felt the magnitude of what life had in store for me for the future. I couldn't eat, I could barely drink water and so I just went through the motions of taking care of my children. I cooked wonderful meals and made sure they were fed. I locked the doors and then went to bed. I didn't eat for three days except to take a bit here or there just to be able to take care of them. After the fourth day with very little sustenance in my body; Angel came to find me. She came into my room and drug me out of bed and said that she loved me. She made me get up and call my aunt to come and get the kids. She told me that I needed someone else to help me and that she would keep me company after the kids left. My aunt came and got the boys and Angel bought us some Rum and whiskey. She brought up her camera and she told me that she wanted me to dress up really pretty and sexy and that she was gonna take pictures of me. She said she wasn't going to stop taking pictures until I saw how beautiful that I was. She caressed my face and then took me out to eat. She made me eat and told me things until I started to smile again. We then went back to my house and she shoved me into the bathroom with some sexy lingerie and told me to put it on. I was so shy and embarassed because my self confidence was stomped on, shredded and mutilated. She had to coax me to  pose in certain ways and after a while, I was moving aroudn on my own. I crawled, danced and posed until I was laughing again...with a little help from Cocoa rum.

This was to ressurect a passion that would never end. I saw my pictures from that night and could not believe that it was me. I was happy for that moment and in two days, I was ready to take pictures again.

We gathered a huge bag of lingerie, costumes and props from my closet and hers and we ran into the woods. There I dressed as a native american hunter and Angel clicked away. We returned to my house again and got drunk taking picture after picture until we passed out.

Angel saved me that time....when I may have just wasted away. Thank you.


2008

Summer

I found a job working at a hotel called Hallmarc Inn. I covered my tattoos and walked in and just presented myself to the boss. He was a middle aged Indian man who was very out spoken. The lady whom I had spoken with beforehand, on the pre interview was very nice and softly spoken but this was a totally different situation. I kept my calm and let Anna take care of the interview...it went nicely. Dealing with Anna was much easier than dealing with Spirit and also more pleasant than Sherrie. I started to fall back on Anna to save the day more often than Spirit and of course, Spirit hated that. I sensed some pretty heavy revenge being brewed within Spirit's side of my cortex...I dreaded the day that she would release that revenge. But I got the job..it was dayshift Monday through Saturday with a day off in the middle of the week and Sundays off as well. The pay was okay for Mississippi wages but it WAS a job and that is all that Venum required of me. I learned that I would sit behind a desk and check customers in and out of the hotel and make sure that housekeeping did their jobs as well. Each shift desk clerk was like the active manager when our big boss was not in town. He lived somewhere else and he came by the hotel only once or twice a month, so it was up to us to hold down the fort. Most of the time it was uneventful...boring and mindnumbing but there was those few times that things were...strange to say the least.

One of the housekeepers, Catherine, was quiet and never really did anything to catch my attention except just being exceptionally nice. The other two were different stories. Monique was the gossiper...she got angry when you were not interested in hearing everything that she wanted to say. She talked about awful things that happened to people that she knew and wonderful times of vengeance among those people and their monsters. The other housekeeper, Bama, was a drunk and drug addict who I befriended. I know it isn't very nice to say these things about these women...but I must say the truth. I befriended Bama and tried to keep her out of trouble with the boss and with the customers. Many times, she would cuss and threaten the boss and it scared me for her. I even gave her money and shared my food with her.

But the job was okay and it helped to pay the bills. The kids stayed with their father during the day then and that worked well too. Venum and I kept going to church every Sunday and I was hard on him about things concerning other women. I didn't trust him and I tried so hard to do so...but I didn't and so it was hard to heal.

Instead of trying to keep things clean...it only got worse...and so that was how it was. There aren't always happy endings and sometimes the endings are just frayed and torn with no real answer to anything...nothing